Oh God. My body goes into a frenzy at just the thought of seeing her again, let alone getting lunch with her and having to sit and talk and act like I'm perfectly fine without her. Every instinct in my body is telling me to run, telling me to make up an excuse, telling me to lie through my teeth and tell her I'm leaving Korea in the morning.
Jennie: That sounds great. What about the day after tomorrow?
Rosie: Perfect. See you then.
The day after tomorrow comes a lot quicker than I thought it would. I was expecting time to drag on and torture me while I waited for this dreaded lunch to happen, but it didn't. It went by in a flash.
Rosie had texted me the day before to work out the details, and of course she picked my favorite sushi spot, even though she's never been a huge fan.
I'm running around the house trying to find my wallet so I'm not late, but knowing Rosie, she'll probably be late, as well. That girl could never get to anything on time, even if she had the latest call time. I think she spent too much time around Lisa. Or maybe it's because we would be up at all hours of the night when we were sleeping together.
Whoah. It's time for me to get a grip.
I finally find my wallet under a pile of dirty clothes and head out the door. The whole drive there I'm talking to myself and telling myself that everything will be completely fine. That my heart won't still flutter when I see her, or that I won't laugh at her stupid jokes that aren't funny, or that I won't want her back in my life.
Because that's not possible. Because she doesn't want to be in my life.
It takes a while for me to get to the restaurant, but when I finally do, I tell the hostess the reservation name and she tells me that the other half of my party is already seated. I'm in complete shock as she leads me to the table. Rosie is never on time.
She sees me before I see her and she's already beginning to stand as my eyes finally catch hers. She has a large grin on her face and as soon as I arrive to the table she pulls me in for a hug. Granted, it's not a tight koala hug like she used to give me, but it's still a hug nonetheless, and my brain can't formulate a coherent thought.
The only thing I can do is wrap my arms loosely around her back and return the hug before sitting down across from her.
"I'm glad you agreed to come, Jennie. I honestly thought you'd turn me down," she laughs a bit and plays with the straw in her water glass.
"In all honesty, I thought I would, too," I admit, even though I know I'm just making things even more awkward.
"Well either way, I'm glad you're here. I've missed you," she says and then it's like she realizes what she's admitted, because she looks away and down to the very interesting path her straw is making through the ice cubes in her glass.
It's a struggle, but I refrain from commenting on that. I don't need her knowing just how much I've missed her too. Hell, I don't even know if my brain could come up with a complete sentence at this point. Not when she just told me that she misses me.
"So, how long are you in Korea for?" Rosie says after she's decided the silence between us has grown far too uncomfortable.
"I'm here for another week or so, then I'll head off to do promotions," I tell her. "What about you?"
"I'm here for a few more months. I'm working on my second album already, so I've just been doing lots of studio work," she tells me. "I've actually been working in a studio across the street from where we recorded Square Up."
"Which one?" I chuckle. "Regular? Japanese?" I joke with a smile.
"Don't forget remixes," she laughs and it makes my smile grow even bigger. Her laugh is angelic. "I honestly still can't believe we came out with a few separate EPs before we put an album out. Before I put out my album, I still saw jokes about fans wondering if 'soon' meant in five years. Or how many versions of the album I'll put out before I make another," she rolls her eyes in good fun.
"Well at least I know what I have to look forward to now," I say before our banter is interrupted by the waiter coming to take our order.
I order my favorite menu item while Rosie orders something generic as always. I try to hide my smile, thinking that maybe she hasn't changed that much at all.
Picking back up the conversation is once again awkward, but we eventually get into the flow of talking about what has been going on in our lives recently with her latest album out and mine on the way.
As much as my mind wants to play the "what if" game, wondering where Blackpink would be if we never split, or where Rosie and I would be if we never broke up, I can't let myself dwell on that. Not when it's something that will never happen. Because those things did happen and now we all have to live with the consequences.
Even though we talk about our lives, we never get too personal. We stay on the subject of music and business, and if we find ourselves straying away, one of us always reverts back to a comfortable subject.
It's much too formal for my liking, but that's just the way things are now. There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her about the songs I've written about her and for her. I want to tell her that I kept the rose pendant necklace she gave me and how sometimes I even wear it under my shirt when I perform. I want to tell her that I went to one of her shows when she was back in Seoul and how she sounded and looked ethereal, even from my spot in the back.
But I don't tell her these things. Because I can't. Because our hearts are too broken and our emotions are too fragile, even after all this time. So instead I put the fortress around my heart and a smile on my face. And I pretend that I'm okay with hearing about the food at her last venue instead of how she felt after the performance, or about how drained she is from all of her album promotion, or about how much she still misses her family.
Because we don't talk about the deeper things anymore. Because we can't. So instead, I keep everything to myself, and smile and nod and talk about all the right things. And even then, I still find myself having a genuinely good time. Because Rosie makes it easy.
We finish our meal and continue to sit for a little while longer, talking about all of the places we've traveled to since we last saw each other. She traveled for work and I traveled to get away, but we both experienced new and incredible things.
Once we finally decide it's time to leave, we split the check, which makes me internally cringe because if we were still together, either of us would have paid for the both of us. Because even though we both had the money, it was the gesture that meant a lot to the both of us. So we pay for ourselves and head to the parking garage to get our cars.
We discuss our schedules for the next few weeks as we walk up a few flights of stairs to the level Rosie is parked on. I walk with her to make sure she makes it safe, even though it's the middle of the day.
She stops next to a red car, which I deduce to be hers, because last time I saw her she didn't even have a license.
"Thank you again for coming. I had a really nice time. And I know things ended badly for us, but doing this with you confirmed that I still want you in my life, Jennie. I'm really sorry about everything that happened and –"
"Don't, Rosé," I get out in barely a whisper. She can't do this. Not now. "Don't make this more complicated than it needs to be. Please."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about what I did to you and about how we left things," she steps forward, but I find myself taking a step back. "I always wanted to stay friends with you. And I think now that we've had some time apart, maybe we'd be able to repair our friendship. I miss having you in my life."
"You were the one that left, Rosie. Not me," I say as I start to get defensive. This is why I told her to stop. I can't do this now. I can't do this here in the middle of a damn parking garage.
"You were the one that brought us to that point. I had to make the decision for both of us," she stops trying to get closer to me and defends herself right back.
Here we go.
"We were going through a rough patch, Rosie. That doesn't mean you should throw in the towel. You just gave up because shit got hard," I try to keep my voice as level as possible, trying not to show her how much I've wrestled with these thoughts for months on end.
"You gave up long before I did. Don't blame this on me. You broke my heart."
"I was hurt! But I didn't give up. Yeah, I know I distanced myself because I was bracing for the worst, and that was wrong of me. But at least I was right about knowing it would happen. You ran, just like you always do," I almost scoff.
"Fuck you," she says and turns on her heel, but I grab her wrist to stop her before she can walk away from me again.
"Stop, I'm sorry," I say in a softer tone. "I'm really sorry."
"You're only saying sorry because it makes you feel better about yourself, not because you actually mean it," she says and turns the tables back on me.
"I'm not. I'm saying sorry for everything that I did, Rosie. For distancing myself, for driving that wedge between us. I ruined us," I finally admit. After all this time, I'm finally able to admit it to myself.
She takes a deep breath before giving in. "It wasn't just your fault. We both made some huge mistakes." Neither of us know what to say next so we both just look at each other without saying anything for a moment.
"We used to be happy once. You remember that?" I ask her with a small chuckle. Nothing is really funny, but I want her to remember. Remember that it wasn't all just hard times. "Constantly avoiding the other girls for time alone together with each other. Going on silly dates in all of the random cities we were in, talking about everything and nothing, spending time with each other's families. And I ruined it. I can admit that now, Rosie, and I'm sorry."
"You never even gave me an explanation about why you did it," she says after a moment.
"Because I was insecure. Because I was scared to death that I wasn't good enough for you – that you'd find someone better and leave me. You were always off doing your own things like the group was a poison that you needed to escape, but you also left me in the dust in doing so. It hurt, Rosie. You don't treat the girl you love like that."
"You knew I struggled with anxiety and depression, Jennie," she gives me a look of almost disbelief. "You knew that. That's why I needed time away from it all. It was nothing personal against you. I was struggling."
"Then why didn't you talk to me and tell me that was the reason? Why did you just leave me hanging on when all you had to do was tell me that you needed space?" I ask, searching for an answer that I never got at the time when it was all happening.
"I was so confused, I had no idea what to do. So that's why I started distancing myself from you in return. You would be gone all day and then crawl in my bed after the show and act like everything was perfectly fine. I didn't know what else to do!"
Before I know it, she's closing the distance and within seconds her lips are on mine.