There's nothing I can do. Nothing.
It's been a month, a fucking month since she walked away from me and all I've done is think exactly about that. I keep thinking she's going to come back, that the few things she left in my flat will at least lure her to knock in my door, even if it's to pick them up and leave again, but it's clear she's done with it all, me among all those things. What's been irking into my brain and driving me crazy is the fact that there's no one to blame but myself and the shit-load of lies I fed her with.
I should've told her the truth. Fuck, if she could only listen to me..
When I found out she'd moved out of her flat something inside of me cracked. She was changing, she was moving on and there was nothing I could do or say to stop her. Emilia's always been strong, too strong, resilient, smart. She knows I'm not good for her, she knows I fucked up and she won't have any of it. I just wish she could at least let me explain but she won't. I called her a thousand times, hoping she would let me blurt into the line all the reasons I should've told her a long time ago, but she didn't. She closed off, she cut me out.
I'm going fucking crazy. Lisa took Ophelia back again a week ago but then that was the deal all along. I could only get her around for the holidays and that's exactly how long she let me have her, not a day less, not a day longer. The moment I left Ophelia with her mother, I knew I didn't have to control it anymore, I knew I could let it all fucking go.
So for the last five days I've done nothing but drive from my flat to my father's company and the pub around the park where either Michael, Martin or Matt would meet me or try to persuade me to go somewhere else but I can't, I don't want to. All I can think about it's her, the way she looked at me that night as if I'd done the most horrible thing a human is capable of.
Anger boils and seeps through my blood every fucking minute, reminding me of how easily she told me it was over, that she was done. Did she mean it? Of course she did. She's proved to me how disposable I was for her, how quickly she moved on and started over. How come she wouldn't let me talk to her as she let that fucking asshole, Joe, go back and forth, in and out of her place as if he hadn't actually bloody cheated on her? I know I lied, I know I kept something important from her but she didn't even let me explain!
Of course I wanted to tell her, how could I not? But it wasn't that easy! There was -still is, a lot of shit happening in my life to pull her right down into it with me. I kept Ophelia from her because I didn't want to loose her, I didn't want her to run for the fucking hills and never come back. Emilia's always been clear about where she stands when it comes to marriage, kids.. how could I tell her I had one with none other than the girl she thinks meant something as important as she does?
Fuck me.
I'm tired of everything, of trying to convince myself she's going to come around and actually give me a chance to at least explain myself, but she won't. She's too fucking stubborn, she's always been. She's probably already forgotten about me as easily as she did with her last boyfriend. God, seriously. I had it coming, all of it.
"I'm off." I wave over at the tender, slapping two tenners over the bar.
Matt shakes his head, Michael's standing next to him. "No, no."
I ignore him, dragging the chair back. "Harry, mate, what about Alex's birthday?" Michael chants behind me.
"I don't care." I shrug.
I know he won't care about me not going anyway, Alex is Emilia's best mate and he's probably still mad at me for lying to her. I don't understand why his girlfriend thought it'd be a good idea to sent me a invite to the party but there's no fucking way in hell I'm going to that. They're celebrating their future failed marriage 'cos that's the only way that shit -or any kind of fucking commitment can go. Besides, Eric and Michael's girlfriend keep giving me the cold treatment because of what I did.
Like I had a fucking choice.
"Come on, let's go." Matt swings an arm around me as I walk through the few drunks inside the pub. "I know you're feeling down mate but you need to snap out of it."
"Fuck off." I shrug him off, the last thing I need is his fucking pity. "Just go. I'll see you'round."
"I don't think Emilia might go." Michael says as if it was the smartest thing to say.
Matt looks at him with a frown. "Shut up." I hear him whisper as I walk away. "Are you sure?" he shouts loudly when I cross the street.
I flip him off and keep on walking. The winter is getting colder even though we're already through the first week of February, the air is too humid and the damn jacket I got on doesn't do shit to keep me from freezing over as I walk the few streets leading to the park. I'm a good ten or fifteen blocks from the complex so I take out a cigarette and light it up as I wait for a crossing light to go on already.
Taking a long, much needed drag I almost choke when I realise who's walking over the sidewalk across the other side of the street to take a cab. Her legs are wrapped in tight black bell trousers, a black high neck top and pointy leather boots as she pulls a big coat over her shoulders. Her dark chocolate hair has grown a little and I can see the silver hoops in her ears shinning as the cab's headlights hit her face. She's fucking stunning, more than ever.
What is she doing around here? Was she at her brother's? Is that where she lives now? Why is she dressed up?
Jealousy hits me almost immediately at the idea of her going out somewhere with someone that's not me. I know it's ridiculous and quite stupid but I don't give a shit. I have to find out if she's going on a date. Fuck me if she is. Michael said Emilia wouldn't be at Alex's party. Where the hell is she going, then? Why does she look so good, why isn't she miserable like me? I need to know. Quickly, I throw the cigarette away and pull my phone out, walking faster to my flat and dialling Matt.
"Where are you?" I ask as soon as he picks up. "Where's Alex's party at?"
Matt chuckles out. "We were about to take a cab, actually."
"Wait at the pub. I'll pick you up." I state and hang up.
Urgency runs through my body as I desperately rush to the complex where my flat is. I need to figure out what to do next because if Emilia happens to actually be somewhere else that isn't Alex's party I'm going to fucking loose it. She looked so good, so bloody attractive and alluring. For a moment I wish I didn't feel as attracted as I've always been to her but who am I kidding?
I've missed every single thing about her. The way she'd laugh at my dark humour, how she would smirk at my inappropriate innuendos or cheekily reply to my attempts to get into her pants in the most random places. God -I fucking missed her thick skull and her tendency to boss me around. I miss her deep frown whenever she got too interested in something, the way she'd flip me off and almost immediately kiss me when I acted out like a pick.
I miss her body. Fuck do I miss it. Her beautiful eyes, the way they'd lit up when I touched her, how she'd beg me to fuck her whenever she was too desperate, the way she would show me just how much she wanted me to be inside of her, to show her how much she meant to me in such a primal way. I haven't been able to think about anything else other than her and every inch of her body whenever I feel like I'm going to explode, playing with myself like a bloody teenager, imagining it's her hands or her mouth around me so I can find my release, so I can feel even if it's for a slight second that she's with me.
A part of me was selfishly hoping she'd be as miserable as I've been. That she'd miss me and dream of me every time she closed her eyes because that's exactly how it's been for me. There hasn't been a single night I haven't dreamt of her, of the time we spent together or the plans I thought would someday come true. She's everything I've ever wanted but I lost her, and that's the sole thought that's rang inside of my head every second of the last five weeks. Did she really forget about me, already?
The thought crushes me to a degree I never could've imagined.
She's clearly in a much better state than I am, she looked good, happy. There's dark circles under my eyes and I haven't even been able to shave in the last two weeks but there she was looking hot as fuck with not a sign of misery or lack of sleep in her beautiful pale face..
I get into the shower and out as fast as I can, pulling clothes out of my closet and throwing them on in record time before Matt rings me for the third time and asks where the fuck I am. I've had my fair share of liquor already but seeing Emilia has sobered me up. I take the keys to the GT6 as a pathetic way of keep my mind set on her. I know she loved the car, and I know for a fact she made the old thing looked even better when she drove it.
I never got to tell her that.
Shaking my head off of that train of thought I speed through and pick both Michael and Matt up from the pub. "Why the sudden change of mind, mate?"
"Where to?" I ask instead, speeding past a bloody idiot who thought parking in the middle of the road was a smart idea.
Matt's staring at me. "The Bloomsbury." he speaks lowly. "Harry, what's going on?"
"Nothing." I bite.
"Oh, shit." Michael says after a few minutes of silence. "Hey man," he calls form the backseat. "I think Em's already there. Eric just posted a-"
"That's it, innit?" Matt chuckles directly at me. "That's why you want to go? What are you thinking mate?"
I heart Michael sigh behind me. "Maybe we could go somewhere else or-"
"What's the fucking problem, uh?" I growl, desperate for both of them to shut up. "You were nagging me to go and now that I am you're telling me it's not a good idea?"
"I said that because I thought you were over it or that you wouldn't look so damn.." Michael speaks.
"Mad." Matt finishes for him. "What happened? Did you talk to her or something?"
I stare at him. "I haven't talked to her in a month, Matt. A fucking month." He shuts his mouth and Michael keeps silent as well. "I just -fuck, I just want to see her, alright?"
"Don't do something stupid." Matt says after a moment.
I see Michael nodding from the rear mirror. "Everyone's going to be there and none of us want to get caught up between you two."
"Caught up?" I snort, shaking my head. "Eric and your girlfriend hate me now, didn't you hear?" I sing with sarcasm. I couldn't give less than a shit about that anyway.
Michael laughs. "That's because you fucked up, Harry. Big time."
"Spare me the fucking lecture, alright Mike?" I hiss, spotting the restaurant but looking for a parking place around.
"Alright." Michael snorts. "Have it your way." he flips me off and tosses himself back into the seat.
"You're bloody impossible, Harry." Matt snorts, shaking his head but gesturing to the right where a free slot to park comes to view.
As we climb out of the car Michael looks at me with a frown, shaking his head and walking away without adding anything. I know he's pissed but I just don't care. All I can think about it's the woman inside that bloody restaurant and what I'm supposed to do now that I'm actually going to see her again, to be around her. I've missed her so fucking much I'm bloody restless. Locking the car, I walk around it to the sidewalk where Matt's waiting for me with a disapproving look on his face. Great, another damn lecture.
"You need to chill." he says as we make our way to the entrance of the fancy restaurant. "Emilia's got the same temper as you do and if she's here I don't think it's to socialise with you."
"Thanks. Very nice of you." I whisper, stuffing my keys into my pocket. "Are you done?"
Matt rolls his eyes at me. "Look," he stops me right as we're about to step into the private garden area Florence used for her birthday last time. "Think about what you're going to do, if you actually want her to give you another chance you need to calm. the. fuck. down." he slaps my chest with the back of his hand. "Otherwise you're only going to push her farther away."
He's right. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
"Fine." I press. "I'll chill, alright?
Matt stares at me. "Alright."
The moment we walk into the party I see her. Her back is to me but I could recognise her body anywhere, the way she stands with her waist slightly popped out to the right. I drag my eyes up and down her, realising the top she's wearing has a cut-out on the back, the dark fabric contrasting against her milky, fair skin. She's talking with Eric and Florence, her head bobbing as she laughs lightly about something before sipping from the glass in her hand.
"Styles!" someone shouts over and then Martin's almost immediately by my side, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
He's probably one of the few people who hasn't changed around me since things ended between me and Emilia but right now I don't feel like chatting or bantering with him, not tonight. Just as I try to look back to where she stands, I see she's turned back. Her eyes meet mine and it takes all of my power not to react when my heart immediately pounds against my ribcage. There it is, the feeling I've been craving since she left me, the rush and the electricity only she can make me feel. Her eyes are as dark and deep as they've always been, her full lips and bushy brows the exact same colours I keep picturing in my head when I fantasise about her.
Martin rambles on about who-the-fuck-cares, but all I can do is look at her.
.
Hello! Hope everyone's having a relaxed Sunday! Here's a new chapter, hope you guys like it! Lemme know what you think of Harry's POV? Do you think it's good enough? Sometimes I think it's not that good and even consider not writing anymore chapters from his perspective but then I re-read them and find myself liking it enough lol. Anyway, do lemme know your thoughts on it! X Lia.