-unedited-
Chapter 23:
It's feels as if it is a dream... Yet if it were, would I be feeling this conflicted?.
I'm relieved yet afraid.
Afraid of what?
Of getting in trouble...
I could feel my mothers disgusted stare on me, but it's only him and I in the hall way.
I'm leaning into him, letting the tears fall but I'm too afraid of touching him. My throat still feels too tight to speak too tight to even speak. I bury my eyes into his shoulder, he should let go now, but he doesn't.
I'm afraid of when he does.
'How disgusting," I can hear her voice in my head.
'Mother...'
That's when I hear the footsteps approaching and suddenly I remember the other maids, I jump away from him. He looks at me, confused and I still can't speak.
The others leave and I'm reminded of my duty.
I stare at him, hoping he can read what I'm trying to say.
...I still can't speak...
My legs carry me forward and I make my way past him and to my cart. I've done my job here, I should be going now.
I'm late in fact.
"Wait," his catches my sleeve and turn back to look at him. Still saying nothing.
He pulls me back into his room except this time he closes the door behind me. And just like that...
We're alone.
"I never received a letter from you, I began to worry...," he begins to explain, "and I..."
He trails off, staring at me as he does. I feel like I should say something but this is the first time we've been together since the ball and since then he's been searching for me... And I revealed who I am to him.... I never did imagine a day where we would actually meet again except years in the future where he had long forgotten me.
"I couldn't," my voice so softly comes out, "so much had gone on since... then."
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks suddenly. With that I finally look at him, really look at him and when I do, I don't see the prince, I see the kind man that danced with me and tried to make me calm when I was nervous and afraid.
'Remember your place,' mother's voice spits out.
"I-I shouldn't bother you so..." I bow in respect and begin to search for the door handle with my hand:
"Wait," my hand finds it as he says so and I make my way out.
"I-I can't," I whisper.
"What?" He follows me I follow the pathway back, "you can't what?"
The knot in my chest I didn't notice I had begins to twist and I can't breathe.
Someone can see us...
And I'm too afraid of that.
"I can't be seen with you," I push the words of my mouth.
"You mean you don't wish to be seen with me?" He slows his pace.
"No, it's not..." I breathe heavily, trying to calm my racing heart, "it's not that."
It's then he grabs of the cart and it comes to a sudden halt. I still look ahead as I feel his eyes on me.
"Then what is it?"
I swallow again.
"I'm afraid," I whisper too softly.
"Excuse me?" He leans in closer.
No, I can't say it again.
"I can meet with you in secret again and explain as much as I can but as of right now I can't say anything to you," I whisper hastily as I move his hand from the cart as gently as I could; he moves it willingly, "please excuse me."
I continue on ahead.
Without him this time.
~*~
The unnerving twist in my stomach is almost too much to bear. I can't meet him, but I must.
I'm standing at the edge of my door, all it takes is a push to move out into the hallway. Even though I have nowhere to officially report to, the floor is mine. Anything else I can be doing I don't enough to do so yet. It's just me.
And him, if possible,
I said I would.
My heart is pounding but I don't know for what reason anymore.
I can't, I said to him, I'm afraid.
All this time since the ball I had been thinking about him, and even when I wasn't, he was in my mind. Now that he's here, now that he knows that I'm here, why is still so hard...
There nothing in the way anymore... Nothing besides me, that is.
Just go.
Nothing I've ever had to carry was as heavy as my legs were to move them forward. If he's not by, then I'll leave and try again tomorrow. Which outcome do I hope for more? Each step I take closer and closer to him. Down the maze like hallways, up the staircase, down another hall, my heart raced more and more. I looked down to my feet as I got nearer.
It's not like there's any chance of him actually being there-
I look up when I turn the hall, there I see him, standing by his bedroom door, waiting for me.
"You never specified when, so, I..." He scratches the back if his head awkwardly and smiles at me.
"I'm sorry I kept you waiting!" I bowed in order to hide my the redness of my face.
I suddenly remember where we're at and rush to him.
"In secret," I remind him in a whisper.
He opens his door and at first I'm unsure but I enter.
"I, um," his voice is breathy and shaky. He leans back against his door so that he's facing me....
Is he... nervous?
"I'm sorry," he breathes, "I'm so... Taken away... By this."
"By what?"
"I didn't think you were real," his lowers his head and chuckles, "almost as if the dance were a dream."
At that he looks at me.
It was at that moment when I noticed I wasn't afraid anymore. He's just a man... A man that's too kind and handsome for his own good.
I feel my face grow warm again.
Handsome?
"M-Mary?" He calls out to me and I'm back to reality.
"Y-yes!" I can still feel the heat in my face.
"I should have asked you this before but..." He paused as if he's considering his words before he finally manages to say: "I'd like to get to know you better."
My heart begins to race again, but it's different from the one before. It doesn't hurt and it feels... Nice. I'm not afraid.
"I want to get to know you, too." I hear it pound against my ears.
He looks at me and I look at him. It's just like that way for awhile until the realization of what I just said hits me and I quickly add:
"But not outside!" I look down before I can see a reaction from him:
"Not outside?"
"As in, I can't bare to have anyone know about this," I swallow, "...about us."
"As in..," his voice is suddenly low, almost quiet.
"I'm afraid," I force it out as loud as I can, my voice breaks as I say it.
It's quiet for too long. Then he says:
"Okay." And he didn't sound angry, or disappointed... He sounded understanding.
It's quiet for another while.
"Thank you," I whisper.