The night of Grayson's eighteenth birthday, I learned alcohol was not my friend.
Scratch friend, it was an enemy.
The morning after the party, I also learned what hell truly felt like: a hangover.
Waking up, a sour taste coated my mouth and a sick feeling squirmed in the pit of my stomach. Somehow, I actually climbed on top of the bunk bed. If sober Jake couldn't get on top, how did drunk Jake do it? My amazement didn't last long when I realized I had no idea how I was gonna get down.
I looked down, the floor was far. The dizzy feeling in my stomach worsened when I moved. It traveled to my head, making the room feel as if it were spinning. My mouth filled with saliva and I knew what was coming. Panicking, I quickly glanced around me to see what I could puke in. I was about to make a kangaroo pouch with my shirt when a yellow plastic bag with a sticky note caught my eye.
I didn't even have a moment to think, my stomach had a mind of its own.
Without even managing to open the bag, I hurled on top of the bag.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. I couldn't look at my own puke, it was like the equivalent of looking at your own dump after crapping. But the note, I wanted to read the note.
Without opening my eyes, I felt around for the note and grabbed a fistful of mustard colored vomit. I felt my stomach lurch.
"Don't puke again, please don't puke." I whispered to myself.
The smell of vomit was overwhelming, my stomach didn't listen and emptied itself on my lap.
"God why!" I sighed.
Hanging on the wall across from me, I looked at myself in the mirror and made a mental note to never drink again. My lap felt wet and warm in all the worst ways. I needed to change.
But my clothes were still packed away in my backpack on top of the dresser. How was I going to find a change of clothes without trailing vomit? Grayson's mom would kill us. I looked at my backpack again, a black bra resting beside it.
My stomach dropped. I was not wearing pants.
The door busted open with a grinning Grayson, "Wakey, wakey Jakey!"
He was dressed, showered, and ready to tackle the day.
He took one look at me and sighed, "You puked again? I thought we emptied you out last night."
I pointed at the bra, "Gray, what happened last night?"
He picked up the bra and laughed, "A lot. Try to remember before she gets out of the shower."
She?
Grayson left, closing the door behind him, leaving me alone with my panicked thoughts. I closed my eyes and tried to replay the night before.
My first dance with alcohol was not a box step, but a tango.
Music blared throughout the house, the walls vibrating with the beat. It felt like the house was alive, pumping energy into the air. Staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, I smiled. Grayson had gelled my hair and styled it, but I danced so hard it was all tousled and messy. Taking off my navy flannel, I checked the sweat stains peeking from the back of my black t-shirt.
I must have smelled like a rotting anus.
Opening the medicine cabinet, I found an expired can of air freshener and gave myself a little spritz. The party was raging on from the other side of the door.
I checked my phone. No texts from Mia.
I hopped up on the counter and glanced out the window. The moon was full, a hand full of stars trickled across the voidless sky. I rested my flushed face against the coolness of the mirror and closed my eyes.
Mia wasn't coming. I felt a familiar sadness rise in my throat, a sadness that kept making itself apparent when I thought it was gone.
Feelings were supposed to fade. In the beginning, they are so apparent they hurt, then with time, they fade until they become nothing more than a distant memory.
Yet my feelings for Mia were like a polaroid, trapped in a moment.
I had to move on.
Sober Jake would have wanted to stay in the bathroom and make rational decisions. Maybe clean myself up, drink some water, call Mia. But drunk Jake wanted to forget her, feel nothing but pure euphoria.
So out of the bathroom I went.
As I walked down the hall, a couple I vaguely recognized were making out against the wall. Blissful, consensual, intoxicated love.
"Have fun." I grinned sloppily at them, patting the guy on the back.
The couple flashed me a quick thumbs up and went back to shoving their tongues down each other's throats.
I made my way into the living room, a smile teasing on my lips. Rainbow lights flashed in vivid shades of reds, blues, and purples, a mini disco ball spun on the coffee table. Someone had painted "Happy Birthday Gray" on a tapestry and tacked it to the wall. People had signed it with permanent marker, a lot of people drew dicks. The room felt so happy, so full of people, so Grayson.
The blue and white striped couch was pushed back to make room for a cup pong game. I spotted Grayson intensely playing, no shirt on, sweat running down his back. Picking up a balloon from off the floor, I tossed it towards my foot and kicked it Grayson's way.
"JAAKE!" He roared, head butting the balloon like a seal.
He hopped over the couch and made his way over to me. A guy on the wrestling team passed him a beer. Popping off the cap, he shoved it in my face.
Making a puppy dog face, Grayson begged, "Pwease drink for the birfday boy."
I glanced around the room. There were so many people. Sober Jake would have wanted to sneak off somewhere and read or play computer games. Drunk Jake wanted to make them all his friend by the end of the night.
"Uh." I hesitated, the scent from the bottle burning my nose.
It felt like all eyes were on me. Drunk Jake loved that.
So I grabbed the bottle and swallowed until there was nothing left, but air.
Pleased, Grayson skipped back to his cup pong game and I was alone again. Not even the music was loud enough to drown out my thoughts. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the alcohol warm my hollow stomach. Mia's face appeared in my mind, like a portrait painted on the inner lining of my eyelids.
Forget about her, forget forget forget.
How was it possible to be around so many people and still feel alone?
Maybe because the one person I wanted to see more than anything wasn't there. I needed to drink more, to fill this void she left in my heart. I spotted a girl on the cheer team passing out jello shots. Drunk Jake loved jello. I took three, one red, one blue, one green.
"Right on." She smiled at me.
We high-fived as we parted ways. She told me her name, but I forgot.
My cheeks didn't feel warm any more, they felt hot. Correction: My entire body felt hot.
Peering down my shirt, I saw a speckled rash forming down my body. So this was Asian glow. Of course out of half of the Asian genes I received, I would get the one that made me feel like I was on fire.
If I stayed inside with all the hot sweaty bodies, I might've die. I needed air.
Stepping outside, the air felt crisp as it enveloped my scorching body. I took a deep breath and spotted Wyatt sitting on one of the patio chairs. Making my way over to him, I instantly regretted it as my brain registered who he was sitting next to.
"Nooooo." I whined, "Why is Allison here?"
Allison's head snapped up from her phone.
"E-exuse him!" Wyatt stammered, "He's drunk. Jake apologize, please."
She rolled her eyes, "I was invited, nimrod. Drunks are disgusting. Right, babe?"
Wyatt's eyes darted from me to her, "Totally. But remember we talked about this. I promised Grayson I would get drunk with him later."
Wyatt did promise Grayson he would get drunk, but stressed it was only to please him. Secretly, we all knew he wanted to drink just as much as everyone at the party. Underaged drinking was like a rite of passage. With Allison, he was missing out.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I was finally living. I just felt a little guilty Wyatt didn't get to experience it.
Allison rolled her eyes and went back to scrolling on her phone.
She wasn't really dressed for the occasion. She looked like she came for a job interview rather than a party. I don't know what could have possibly possessed her to wear a turtleneck to a party. Her brown eyes narrowed as I seated myself next to Wyatt.
"Mia's not here." I sighed, "That makes me sad. Why am I single?"
Wyatt grinned, "You are so drunk. You've always been single, dude."
I shook my head. "No...no I was almost not single twice. Once with Kaia, once with Mia."
He stared at me wide eyed. "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about Kaia."
"No...we aren't." I mumbled, "Wyatt, I just want to kiss a girl. Like on the mouth."
Allison stood up, "You are repulsive!"
"One day you will like me Satan!" I called as she walked away.
Wyatt covered my mouth with his hand, "Don't call her Satan, man. Jesus what did you drink?"
"Yes." I giggled.
He stood up and sighed, "I'm going to get you water, don't go anywhere."
"Wait." I called, "Have you seen Kia?"
He shook his head, "You mean Mia? I don't think she's coming."
"Why does she think she can break my heart?" I asked.
He ruffled my hair, "Don't give her the power to. I'll be right back."
I watched him walk away and leaned deeper into the chair. What kind of advice was that? How do you not let someone break your heart? Maybe by not letting them in? But Mia already had a foot in the door, and no matter how much I tried to push her out, she kept wriggling back in.
Partying was losing its novelty fast. It was because it was a bandaid, it didn't erase Mia from my memory, it just helped me forget.
I wanted to leave. The beach was about a block or two away. I tried to remember the last time I visit the shore. It was years ago, the last time my family went on vacation before we started to crumble. We rented a condo right on the boardwalk. It was a week of funnel cakes, wasting money on crane machines, and sunning on the sand. I smiled. Sometimes I wished I was young again so the only thing I had to worry about was having fun.
Drunkenly, I crawled down the steps and walked towards the shore.
---
There was a knock on my door.
"Come in." I called groggily.
Wyatt crept into my room. He wrinkled his nose as the aroma hit him.
"Please tell me you are not wearing your own vomit." He sighed.
I closed my eyes, "No comment."
"She left you a bag, she knew you would puke in the morning." Wyatt shook his head.
Who was she? I couldn't ask, that was embarrassing.
"Shut up. I don't want to talk about it." I said, peeling off my shirt.
"Alright, then answer me this." He said leaning against the dresser, "Where did you go last night?"
---
I forgot how much I hated sand.
Did sand even have a purpose? In twenty years, I would still find the sand that was sneaking its way into my sneakers. Without thinking, I took my sneakers off, hoping it would lessen the amount of sand I brought home.
Sand, if you're wondering, feels even worse with just socks.
Another bad decision to add to the list. It didn't deter me though. There was a place I had in mind, a place I hadn't been to in years. I continued to walk, my toes numbing as the cold winter air snuck in with the sand. I let out a deep sigh, the air swirling into clouds of white as it escaped my mouth. My mind felt loose, all my worries about Mia and life and felt far away. Alone on the beach, I felt free. I couldn't hear the music anymore, just the sea crashing against the shore.
I tried to find a stretch of the beach where I could be alone with my thoughts, but I heard voices. Did alcohol make you imagine things? No that's drugs. I wasn't on drugs, right? There were definitely voices. I paused and listened for a second, trying to pinpoint exactly where they were coming from. My feet followed the voices. Crouched behind a few boulders, two girls were talking to each other in hushed voices. Their backs were facing me, and as I got closer, I realized they were picking up shells. The taller one noticed me first, her silhouette rose and turned to face me.
Our eyes met.
I froze, her name catching in my throat.
She was alert, protective of the shorter girl. The shorter girl was unaware, continuing to scoop up shells, placing them on piles on the shiny wet boulder.
"Lily Choi?" I called.
She tilted her head, trying to register who I was.
"Jake Morrow?" She countered.
As if my name triggered the shorter girl, she shot up in an instant, knocking her handfuls of shells back into the ocean. The tide swallowed them happily, kissing her ankles as it did so. I knew who she was in an instant. How could I ever forget that face?
Our eyes locked, my heart was pounding out of my chest.
"Hey... Kai." I said in absolute awe.
I remembered the last time I saw Kaia Choi.
She was wearing denim overalls with rainbow butterfly patches on the pockets. She was chasing me around the playground trying to tag me. We always made her be "it" in whatever game we played because she was the youngest and easiest to boss around.
"Jake Morrow!" She panted, her little voice out of breath.
I stopped running and smirked. I definitely wasn't the fastest runner in the friend group, but Kai was the slowest, a humbling quirk I appreciated. I was usually the easiest target in a game of tag.
"This isn't fair." She pouted, crossing her arms.
She tried to step closer to me.
I took a huge step back, "Step any closer and I'll-"
"You'll what, Jake Morrow?" She always said my last name when she was annoyed.
I learned to never make a threat I wouldn't go through with because Kai always called me out. She was fearless, ready to take whatever anyone threw her way.
I drew a line in the mulch with my shoe and said, "You can't tag me behind this line."
Kai walked right up to the line, I backed up further. She kicked the line with the toe of her sneaker until it was nothing then a pile of mulch.
"You can't make new rules mid game."
She looked at me deviously. Grayson ran up behind Kai and tapped her head before jogging away. He loved showing off how untouchable he was. If Grayson was it, which he rarely was, everyone would be tagged out in under three minutes. Usually Kaia or I were tagged first.
"Gray was right there!" I pointed, "Why don't you ever try to tag someone else? You always go for me."
Sighing, Kai put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Because you're the easiest to catch."
I looked where her hand had fallen and then back at her. It felt as if we were the only two people on the playground. As she lifted her hand, the warmth of her touch lingered.
In that moment, I realized I had the biggest crush on her.
She grinned from ear to ear before screaming, "JAKE'S IT!"
I sighed, my mouth settling into a grin. She tricked me.
She wasn't just the slowest, she was the sneakiest. She was always catching people with little tricks or schemes.
After not being able to tag or find anyone for an eternity (ten minutes), I spotted everyone huddled near the swings. I wanted payback, so I made a beeline for Kai and smacked her lightly on the back.
"Ow!" She squealed.
Before I could run, Kai and Lily grabbed me. I was ready for them to tackle me.
But instead, the sisters wrapped me in an inescapable hug.
As it turned out, that was their last game of after-school tag ever. It was a goodbye hug, they were moving away. They didn't tell any of us, didn't want to make us sad.
I thought that was the last time I would ever see Kai.
Yet there she was. I stared at her, awestruck. Looking back at me was the girl I used to chase on the playground, share pretzels with during recess, daydream about during class.