"Birthday ni Sam. Punta ka, bro?"
Tumaas lang ang isa kong kilay kay Shan habang nagmamaneho. It wasn't my plan to attend Samantha's birthday party. I mean, we weren't close enough. She was a friend of a friend, the reason why we knew each other.
"I heard Giselle won't go... Just try," pamimilit pa niya.
I sighed and just gave him a nod of approval, not because my ex wouldn't be there, but because Shan won't stop begging me to come with him. I could not care less about my relationship with Giselle. We were very civil. We talked like we were friends.
I didn't like holding grudges with anyone. I believed it will just make my life hard to live, and I didn't like living a hard life. I was here to live a good life. I had already learned how to forgive countless times. It was just tiring to bother myself with things that already happened. It was tiring to care about other people.
Like I said, it wasn't my plan to attend, but I was glad I did.
"Nasaan na si Shan, dude?" Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang makasalubong si Neil. He was a friend from La Salle.
"May kausap doon," I pointed at the dance floor with my right hand. My other hand was holding a glass of liquor.
"Fuck, bro, sobrang flirt..." Neil laughed. "Anyway, pupunta raw sana sila Arman kaso nasiraan ng car, pre. Nagpapasundo nga..."
Kumunot ang noo ko habang pinapakinggan siya dahil naramdaman kong may nanonood sa 'kin. I looked at my right side and I saw a woman holding a shot glass staring at me. Her legs were slightly apart so I looked away immediately.
"Naghahanap pa nga ng driver. Wala pa kasing ma-book," Neil continued.
From my peripheral vision, I saw her cross her legs and took a shot of tequila, not taking her eyes off me. When I looked back at her again, I quickly surveyed her body starting from her face down to her heels. I tried to fight the urge to smile.
She looked a little foreign for me with her brown eyes and hazel brown hair. Her eyes reflected such a strong personality. I could tell that this woman could destroy me one day, in different ways I could imagine. Her skin and lips looked soft... I wondered if she had a soft side too.
Neil and I walked away from that couch to get some drinks. Napailing ako nang may makabunggo sa 'ming lalaki at nabitawan ni Neil 'yong baso kaya nabasag sa sahig. Umalis din siya para ipalinis 'yon.
"Excuse me, excuse me..." I heard a lady.
My reflexes were so fast I managed to pull her arm so she wouldn't hurt herself with the broken glass.
"Watch out," I whispered.
She looked at me with shock and began staring. Napaiwas ako ng tingin nang dumating si Shan at nagkwento tungkol sa nakahalikan niya. Shan was a fucking flirt. I dated so many girls already but it was still safe to say that he was worse than me. His world revolved around dating and fucking.
I was not a fan of fucking whoever the hell I wanted. I wasn't that type of man. I was more of a romantic.
"Lipat tayo ng club, bro." Siniko ako ni Shan.
"Sunod ako," maikling sabi ko.
I finished a bottle of beer before walking outside the club with Neil and other friends. Napailing ako nang makita si Shan na may kausap nang babae roon sa may hagdanan, pabagsak na.
"Hi! Okay ka lang?" Shan wanted to help. "Saan ka nakatira? I'll book you a grab! Uy bro, help naman dito, oh!"
"What are you doing? A damn charity, dude, tingnan mo naman tropa mo." Siniko ako ni Neil at tumawa.
Naglakad siya palapit kaya lumapit na lang din ako. Nagulat ako nang biglang tumayo 'yong babae kanina at muntik nang bumagsak sa sahig. Mabuti na lang at nahawakan ko sa baywang kaya sa dibdib ko bumagsak. I sighed heavily, seeing another pain in the ass, but I also wanted to help.
"Can you check her wallet for her address?" I asked Shan.
Kinuha nila ang bag at tiningnan kung may laman ang wallet pero bente pesos lang ang naroon at isang I.D. The address was a provincial address. There was no way I would try to find her house in Laguna.
"Sa 'yo muna, Hiro? Gusto mo na umuwi, 'di ba?" Shan chuckled.
"What about the phone?"
"Lowbat." Tinaas ni Neil ang phone.
I groaned and carried the woman. Tumawa sina Shan at sinamahan ako hanggang sa kotse ko. As much as possible, I wanted to get her home safely but I didn't know her address and I just can't go inside the club holding a half-dead woman to ask about her friends. I also thought of booking a hotel for her but the staff might accuse me of drugging the woman. Fuck, it was a hard decision but I had no choice.
"Holy fuck," I muttered a curse when her head almost hit the door of my unit.
Binaba ko siya sa kama ko, hindi sa sofa. Sa totoo lang, ayaw kong may humihiga sa kama ko dahil pakiramdam ko nadudumihan, but I also didn't want her to sleep on the couch. She might fall on the floor and get herself hurt.
I laughed when I looked at her face. Her makeup was already smudged. Ang isang false eyelash ay nahuhulog na mula sa mata so I stood up and got a cotton pad, put some cleanser on it, and came back to remove her makeup.
I took her false eyelashes off and put the other one on her forehead for the sake of having fun. After laughing, I took it off and started removing her makeup. Sleeping with makeup on can affect her skin tomorrow.
While I was taking her heels off, she suddenly sat on the bed and took off her see-through long sleeves. My lips parted out of shock. I laughed when she went back to sleeping again like nothing happened.
"Geez, she's weird," I whispered to myself.
I left a glass of water on the side table in case she felt dehydrated. I also prepared a bowl beside it, just in case she would like to vomit. After that, I sat on the sofa to sleep. Mayroon akong dalawang guest room pero parehong wala pang aircon. Papalagyan pa lang bukas. Ayaw ko namang mainitan, at mas lalong ayaw kong tabihan 'yong babae. She might panic the next morning.
"Nag-sex ba tayo?"
The side of my lips instantly rose up. I chuckled and shook my head. "No," natatawang sagot ko.
"Ah..." She nodded. "Bakit?"
I was caught off-guard. I thought I heard it wrong. What was her deal? I was right about her personality. It was too strong.
"Bakit hindi? Sayang."
I was immediately amused. She was bold to imply that she wanted to have sex with me the day after we first saw each other. It was funny for me so I did not really take it seriously.
"I don't do boyfriends."
And I kept that in mind. At first, I must admit that it wasn't anything serious for me, the reason why I didn't really message her that often unless I was free. I could also tell that she wasn't hoping for anything serious so I conditioned myself not to hope for something more than that, even though I actually liked her because she caught me off-guard the first time we talked.
From: Samantha from Ateneo
Ashianna Kim Fernandez. She's my bestfriend. Hmu if interested lmao jk
I laughed and tried to find her Instagram handle. Sam was following her so it was easy to find. However, her Instagram was private.
ashiannakim
54 posts - 754 followers - 432 following
Her profile picture was a photo of her in her bikini. She was laughing while holding a boob with one hand.
"Fubu, gusto mo?"
Of all the things I expected her to say, this wasn't included in my list. I was shocked and again... amused at the same time. I never wanted to have that kind of relationship with her. Of course, these past few weeks I knew she was trying to play me so I rode her game but I really didn't expect her to make me her... fuck buddy.
I never engaged in anything like this. Sure, I had flings, but it was never exclusive to just having sex. I didn't want to lose her, though. I actually enjoyed her company because she was so different for me. She was very blunt and strong. I got interested.
"No strings attached," she said.
Oh boy.
"No strings attached," I repeated. "That's easy."
Well, at that time, it did not really sound like I was convincing myself but after a few weeks, I started having regrets. Why... did I agree to that?
"Ipakilala mo 'ko kay Zach!"
Kinuha ko kaagad ang phone ko mula sa kamay niya. I was not selfish. Zach was just... bad for her. I didn't want her to end up with a misogynist and asshole like him. Yanna was a strong woman for me, and I thought pairing her up with a man like that would not work really well. She might also blame me for that.
"I'm already leaving after I graduate."
That was the plan all along. After graduation, I will already migrate to Florida to study in my dream school, and also to take care of my sick father. He had no one but me. Parehong busy si Mommy at tinutulungan siya ni Kuya. It was just me. I was closer to him than my mother.
"Hiro! Open the door!"
It was already dinner time when I heard Giselle knocking on my door. Nagmamadali kong binuksan 'yon at nakita siyang namumula, halatang nakainom. I scratched my head and offered her a glass of water so she can sober up.
"Why did we break up again?" She chuckled while seated on the breakfast table.
"We were not compatible." And we were busy too. We just did not click anymore.
"But..." I stopped walking when she caught me by my arm.
Tumingin ako sa kanya at tinaasan siya ng kilay. She was obviously drunk when she leaned to give me a kiss. I sighed and shook my head before taking her hand off my arm.
"Come on..." I laughed a bit. "You're just drunk. I'll take you home."
"Hiro," she called again. "Hindi ba pwedeng mabalik?"
I stared at her for a minute, getting more confused every second because all I could think about was Yanna. If Giselle asked me that months before, I would have answered differently.
"No, sorry," I turned her down.
"Okay. We're cool." She smiled at me but it was a painful smile.
It was really not a big deal for me but I felt guilty about it. Wala naman akong girlfriend. Yanna was just my fuck buddy at that time but it felt like I cheated on her. Was it because of the 'exclusivity' we both agreed on?
"We didn't have sex but she kissed me," I confessed.
"Asshole." She sounded disappointed.
Ilang araw niya 'kong hindi pinansin. Hindi talaga siya sumasagot sa mga tawag ko. I tried to think of ways on how to make it up to her, and I thought of having a beach dinner. I was never this type of romantic and things were never romantic for her... but it seemed like it.
"Gago, solid kang kaibigan, e 'no?" she said while watching her feet get soaked along the waves of the sea.
Fuck, kaibigan daw. Why did that sound stupid for me? Bakit ayaw ko sa term na 'yon?
"Solid..." I laughed bitterly at that.
Alat, bro. Friends daw kami.
I watched her get tipsy and chase away the waves of the sea. I didn't even notice how long I was staring at her. Kapag ngumingiti siya, napapangiti rin ako at natatawa. She just looked so different and happy. Or maybe... She was different because she was happy. It suited her better. I was glad I made her smile for a moment.
Because she looked lonely. She was hiding her emotions through her strong personality... and I believed that she grew up taking all the pain alone. She had been through a lot.
She looked up and tried to reach for the plane in the dark sky. I had seen her eagerness to reach her dreams. I was so close to doing everything so she could chase that... so they could come true, but I knew she liked doing things by herself.
Ang ganda niyang panooring mangarap.
"Well, soon, you'll be the one assisting the passengers in that plane." I smiled, imagining her. Bagay sa kanya 'yon.
"And you'll be the one driving it?" She arched a brow.
I laughed a bit. "Unlikely, but not really impossible. Let's see."
Unlikely, dahil sa U.S. na 'ko nagtatrabaho noon at siya, maiiwan ko rito. I felt a slight pain on my chest, thinking about it. This was why I did not want to commit to anything... because I will eventually leave... But at that moment, I thought that I could deal with it in the future.
"Hindi mo na 'ko kilala noon." She scoffed.
"I won't forget you, ever." And I think I just cursed myself with that.
"Kapag ako talaga naging flight attendant na, hahanap ako ng mayamang piloto na walang asawa." Tumawa siya. "Para goals!"
"Yeah, what will happen to your children? I thought you liked kids."
Ayaw kong magkaanak, hindi dahil ayoko sa bata, pero alam kong hindi ko rin maaalagaan. Being a pilot required a lot of time and effort. I would spend most of my days driving a plane than staying at home. I didn't want my kid to experience what I experienced with my family.
My mother was busy with work and my father was a pilot. My brother and I were always left in the house. Wala akong nakakapitan kaya sarili ko na lang ang kasama ko palagi. I didn't want my kid to go through that too. It would pain me. It would hurt.
"I lied. It's not that hard to like you."
"So you like me?"
Shit. I just cornered myself with what I said.
"As if..." I scoffed.
Everything was always so peaceful with Yanna. I found my peace in her and I was scared of that thought. I tried seeing other people while we were on a deal, just to see if I would feel the same. I was so confused with my feelings. Was that normal?
Maybe I really liked her, but I wasn't sure why.
"Sa totoo lang, ah. I think this is kind of unfair to me..." She sighed. "Kung ganito lang din, let's scratch the 'exclusive' sa rules natin."
And she caught me having a dinner with my old friend. I swear to God, it was just a dinner. She said she wanted to ask me questions about aviation and so I agreed to have dinner with her. For Pete's sake, I didn't fuck everyone I ate dinner with.
"Do you want... other guys?"
I was actually scared to ask. I was scared of the answer... And as expected, it really did hurt. Wow, fuck.
"We both know we crave other people too from time-to-time. We're not saints."
I wasn't expecting her to say that in front of my face, but maybe it was my fault too... but it really hurt as hell. I felt like I wasn't enough for her. Of course, it was Yanna. She was so hard to please, and she never really did want anything more than just... this.
Bakit ba 'ko nasaktan? Tangina, may iba pa ba 'kong gustong mangyari?
I tried to ask her many times if she really wanted us to scratch the exclusivity and the answers were the same. I was mad. I was mad at her for hurting me like that so I really went out with a bunch of women, but it was all casual. I never had sex with any of them. It felt like a sin.
Like I said, Giselle and I were civil. We treated each other as friends. Kapag pumupunta siya sa condo, palagi naman naming kasama ang ibang kaibigan. It was just that one time when she arrived ahead of time straight from gym. She wanted to take a shower, the reason why she was wearing a robe. I suddenly remembered Yanna's video greeting request.
"Can you say hi to my friend?" I asked her while we were in the living room.
"Sure! What's her name?"
"Yanna."
I took my phone out so she could use it to record her greeting. I stopped when she suddenly asked a question.
"Siya ba?" She laughed.
"What?" Kumunot ang noo ko.
"The woman you love now?"
Natahimik ako at hindi nagsalita. I really didn't know how to answer that. I didn't understand why it was harder to say no than to say yes. It wasn't normally like that. Hell, it shouldn't be like that.
"We're not... in that kind of relationship," I denied.
"I'm not asking if you have a relationship with her or not. I'm asking if you love her." She smiled at me. "Come on... It's fine, Hiro."
"Just do the video greeting." I rolled my eyes, refusing to answer.
She laughed again to tease me. Simula noon, hindi na mawala sa isip ko ang tanong niya. Do I love Yanna? The love I felt with my exes were different from what I was feeling with her. It confused me more.
Was it love? Or just sexual attachment?
"You need help?"
"Puking-!"
I laughed when I saw how shocked she was to see me in front of their house in Laguna. It was also not in my plan to go there, but days passed by without her and I started feeling so incomplete.
I didn't want to waste more time. Malapit na 'kong umalis. I wanted to create more memories with her.
I knew I was deep when I started appreciating her more than the view in front of us. We went to so many beautiful places but I would always choose to stare at her the longest. Kahit yata sa eskinita kami pumunta, magugustuhan ko pa rin ang lugar kapag naroon siya. I felt like an idiot.
Was it really love that I was feeling? Why did it feel so different?
"Masyado kang mabait, 'no?" she said while we were walking along the garden.
"Why?" I asked. "I am?"
"Oo, kaya ang daming nahuhulog sa 'yong gago ka, eh." She laughed again. "Ang dali-dali mong magustuhan."
"Bakit? Gusto mo ba 'ko?"
I really hoped she would say yes. If she did say yes, I would have risked everything for her.
But she shook her head immediately, which made me laugh to cover the slight pain I felt on my chest. Maybe Yanna wasn't really ready for relationships. Like she said... She doesn't do boyfriends.
Tahimik kaming umupo sa may hagdanan. I held her hand and squeezed it a bit. When I caught her staring at me, I couldn't help but cup her chin and give her a soft kiss. It was intimate for me, but not sexually.
I looked away when I realized that I was really falling in love with her. It was that moment... that I knew I was down bad. When our kisses did not feel like before... When every small touch made could me feel fucking butterflies. It was so weird. I never thought I would be that person.
"Kung sasabihin mo ulit sa 'kin na pwede kang manatili, huwag ka nang magsalita."
Hindi ako nagsalita at niyakap lang ang tuhod ko habang nakatingin sa malayo. Sagada was our last destination and I chose it so we could watch the sunrise together. I hated it. I hated the sunrise but I knew I would learn how to love everything I could associate with her.
I didn't want to count our remaining days anymore. It was painful for me. It hurt a lot. Sometimes, I would refuse to look or ask for the dates because I didn't want to accept it. I just really did not want to leave.
That night, I hugged her while she was crying. Hindi ako nagsalita pero kahit anong pigil niya sa iyak niya, nararamdaman ko ang pag-alog ng balikat niya. If only I could take away the pain from her, I would. Kung sana pwedeng ako lang ang masaktan, huwag na siya.
"Kaya ko naman nang wala ka, 'di ba?"
I looked at her for a second but immediately looked away. She could... She had to.
"Of course..." I swallowed hard. "At least we'll have something in common. We'll look at the same sky everyday, but in different colors."
Ako ba? Kaya ko ba nang wala siya?
Yanna was my comfort, my peace, my happiness all in one. It was my first time feeling like this and it hurt because I needed to let her go. I didn't want her to wait for me when I wasn't planning to come back anymore.
Marami pang ibang lalaki riyan. I didn't want to be selfish. Ayaw ko siyang ikulong sa 'kin dahil malaki pa ang mundong madidiskubre niya. Mahal ko siya pero mas pipiliin ko siyang maging masaya.
"Alagaan mo ang sarili mo. 'Yon lang ang gusto ko."
As promised, I cooked her sinigang before my flight. For the past few days, I just learned how to cook the best sinigang for her because it was her favorite. I wanted to be good at it. I wanted her to be proud of me on that small thing.
"Hey," I said softly when she began crying. "Don't cry, please."
I never liked seeing people cry or hurt specially because of me, so I always tried my best to treat everyone with kindness. We could never know how their day went, or if they were in the verge of breaking down. I also didn't understand the point of being rude with no reason at all, that was why I wanted to be nice to everyone.
"Pa-charge na rin nitong phone ko. Nasa bag ko 'yong charger."
My world crumbled when I went inside the room to get the charger in her bag, only to find a clear plastic bag containing two pregnancy tests. Both were positive.
I couldn't describe what I felt. I was just staring at the wall the whole time, trying to process everything. Was that... because of me? Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko. I was shocked and... happy... but confused.
"It's not yours!" It broke my heart into pieces. "I fucked other men while we were..."
I didn't want to hear it anymore. My face heated more, with tears streaming down my face. It was so hard to breathe. I didn't know where to focus on. Umiiyak siya sa harapan ko pero nasasaktan ako. Ano bang uunahin ko?
"Fuck, why are you doing this to me..." I cried more.
I was already numb from the pain but the tears won't stop. I was so confused. I wanted to talk. I wanted to say a lot of things, but my feelings were too heavy. Hindi ko kaya.
"Don't lie to me, please... Please..." I covered my face while crying.
It was a lie. I tried to convince myself that it was, but how could she lie about this very important matter? It was important for me... and I assumed it was also important for her. We were talking about her baby. It was a child.
"I love you..." I hugged her tighter.
She didn't want me in her life anymore. Maybe what she felt for me wasn't anything I assumed it to be.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
I'm sorry if I had to let you go. I'm sorry if I had to leave. Pakiramdam ko ay nasasaktan ko na siya at mas masasaktan pa siya kapag nanatili ako. I wasn't thinking straight anymore. I thought... my mere presence was a hindrance for her.
That I was just a burden... that she was just staying with me because I would leave eventually. Maybe she wanted to be free... She wanted to build a family with another person... at ako ang nakakasira noon.
When she left my unit, my knees hit the floor and I started crying more. I held my chest and tried to ease the pain I was feeling.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanang mag-impake ulit at umalis papuntang airport. Nakatulala na lang ako buong byahe. This wasn't how I imagined my flight. Months ago, I was happy to leave, but now I just felt so empty.
"Welcome home," my dad gave me a tight hug.
"Thank you." I gave him a small smile.
It was only after a few months when a letter suddenly fell from my shirt. My brows furrowed and bent to pick it up.
Hiro,
When I first saw you, I admired the way you talked and presented yourself because you stood out in the crowd, but when I got to know you, I realized that the thing I admired the most about you was your determination to achieve your dream. From the start, you had already made your goals clear to me.
Sumusunod ka sa plano, ngunit hindi ko masasabi 'yon para sa sarili ko dahil wala naman sa plano ko ang masaktan sa pag-alis mo. It wasn't also in the plan to write this to you. The plan was to let you leave peacefully, but I won't be at peace if I don't get these out.
I already told you this but I want to write it this time because the ink will stay longer than my words in your memories. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of what you have become and for what you will be. You have a bright future ahead of you.
So chase your dreams.
I will delay mine, but I promise we'll get there. We may or may not see each other again but I hope this pain will put us in the right places, in the right destinations.
Safe skies, my Archer.
Always,
Ashianna.
My heart sank.
I realized I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to come back for her, and if she changed her mind and had that child, I was willing to father the kid. Wala akong pakialam kung kanino 'yon. I wanted to be with her all throughout her hardships. I wanted to be there for her, because she was there for me.
I booked a flight home for two reasons. First, I needed to renew my license and second, I needed to keep in touch with her again. I wanted to talk to her... and tell her that I could accept everything.
From: Samantha from Ateneo
Sorry, Hiro. I don't know. We don't talk anymore.
I went to their house in Laguna but she wasn't there. I also went to her school but she wasn't enrolled anymore. It was like she disappeared completely from me... and it broke my heart. Mas gusto ko pang nakikita ko siya kahit ayaw niya sa 'kin, kaysa hindi ko alam kung nasaan siya, kung okay pa ba siya, o kung masama ang pinagdadaanan niya.
Sumandal ako sa kotse ko habang tinatanaw ang bahay nila sa Laguna. Babalik na 'kong Florida kinabukasan, pero kung sakaling magbago ang isip niya at bumalik, I just wanted to let her know that I will always be here.
I sighed and folded the paper in half before leaving the letter on the mailbox beside their gate.
Ashianna,
If only I knew that you would disappear from me, I should not have left that night.
I should have understood. I should have insisted to be with you. There are so many 'if's' and 'should's' running inside my mind but I know nothing could make any difference. As much as I still want to be there for you, I don't know where to find you.
I may not understand why you chose to stop pursuing your degree, but I hope you won't stop pursuing your dream, because my dream is as important as yours. I admire you for a lot of things... but above all, I admire you for being a strong and dedicated woman. I'm always proud of you, and of what you will become.
So chase your dreams.
We will see each other again. Until then, continue fighting.
I had a pleasant flight with you. Thank you, Ashianna.
Ready for departure,
Akihiro.
________________________________________________________________________________
:)