There was something missing.
I felt like not doing anything at all.
I scrolled through my codes to find some kind of motivation to finish my current work, but nothing was working so far.
I thought about grading the class test, but it could wait until next week.
It was getting better; the class average was increasing steadily.
The students got over getting new T.A fast. There were occasional flirting and teasing going on but nothing I could not handle anymore.
Except The Twins.
I kind of got used to buying Julian, one of my classmates, regular lunch to take care of Dr. Cooper's class.
It reminded me of other Julian; my student Julian.
He was one of the good students who really cared about their grades.
When he called me to his desk during the self-work-out time, I thought he was sick. Turned out the poor soul was troubled because he had no idea how to solve one problem.
"I do not know how to do this."
"Let me."
The guy was going to cry.
"It happens, don't sweat it. You are here to learn things you do not know." I gave him an encouraging smile and went through the question.
I saw the guy next to him inching closer and put his hands on Julian's back.
I was about to call out on him when I saw Julian visibly relax under his touch.
Oh, they were close.
"You are unable to do the problem because the question is incomplete. To be precise, there is a printing error which merged two incomplete questions to one."
Julian gave me a smile so dazzling. I shook my head and checked the publications.
I winced. "I will suggest some other texts if you come by the library at 5. p.m."
"Thank you, Sir."
"No mention. Could anyone please lend me a red pen?"
I saw several pens extended to me from highlighters to glitter pens.
I took a normal one making sure I was not touching any hands. It was like walking on a war field with land mines.
I checked the answers on the back and deduced the questions.
"Alright, I will write the correct questions on the board and please note it down. The questions in the text book might be a bit more complicated, but the bottom line is to draw the circuits and find the acceptable range of voltage."
"That is so hot." Someone whispered when I leaned on the wall after walking along the lanes. I was not sure if I was supposed to hear that.
"I still don't understand how you find this guy a daddy?! He is a twink! A hot twink, but still a twink. He is androgynous, for fuck's sake!"
"But he is not."
"You know, daddies have to be over 6 feet, hairy body and gigantic. Mr. Scott is what, 5 ft 10? 11? You have more body hair than him and you are a girl."
"No, no... It is not about looks. There is this video with a guy like him, cute, lean and hot. He had chained a black giant's neck and made him walk like a puppy. I am telling you, he is one of those. I want to be his pup..."
What in the name of Crucified Christ!
"OKAY..." I boomed making all the students jump from their seats "Take page number 10.B.102, exercise 2.1.1 to 2.1.10. Questions may be tricky but the answers are simple. You have 30 minutes to finish starting from...now."
"I will send you that video later." The voice whispered again.
I wanted to rub my sweaty palm on my slacks but that would come off as nervousness which I would rather not reveal.
I made sure everyone left the classes before bee lining to nearby wash area.
I had a bad case of sweaty palms this session.
I heard hushed whispers from the bathroom.
"What did I tell you about worrying?"
"Not to?"
I walked in I saw Julian and the other guy in deep embrace and I was intruding to a very private and intimate moment.
"Oh, sorry... I will..."
"No, sir. Please. We are leaving."
"No, no. I just wanted to wash my hands."
The guy stepped aside without taking his hands of Julian.
I washed as fast as I could. "Sorry, for intruding."
Julian gave me paper towels from the dispenser. "No problem, Sir. Henry worries about me."
"I do not just worry about you. I love you." I was still intruding in their private moment.
"Please do not be late to your next class. See you."
I bid my bye and walked away with this feeling of emptiness.
It had been hours since then. But the feeling was still there.
The fake I.D in my wallet was tempting me to go out and mingle.
I could use some drinks.
When had I lost my passion to dance?
I did not even sway to the music in my room, shower was now just a chore, baths became somewhere I could ponder my mistakes and renew my determination.
I had to find a club that was quite at a distance from my college.
Here kids went out clubbing like it was their right and the sole purpose of being in college was to have 'fun'. In M.I.T, we mostly went out to remind ourselves that there were other humans on earth and relieve stress of all-nighters.
Well, when you are in Rome...
I checked the phone he had gifted, to make sure the tracking app was still running and showed Stanford.
Mom or Jason would not disclose my real position.
There was no way Liz would tell anyone anything, if beaten to inch of her life.
Aunt Marie never bothered where I was studying as long as I was bringing home good grades.
So, I was safe.
I took the cheap QWERTY Chinese phone and put in another sim for the day and texted Jason about meeting him at Phoenix next week.
Just in case he went through Jason's phone again.
What had my life got into?
I took a cab and went in the club the cab driver had suggested.
I put on the hoodie and took the fake ID card before I reached the bouncer.
He was sceptic but it was my first try in this club so he did not give me hard time.
I wished I could at least tap my feet to the beats.
How many times should I say no before they got a hint?
Women were more persistent than men. Was that what made them so strong?
The will to move on from every awkward, hurtful and demeaning situations with grace.
"I thought he made it quite clear that you are not his type." I gave a customary glance to the new 'rescuer'.
My heart stopped when I saw 'him' there.
But it was not him.
Someone who had same hair colour and hairstyle.
I could hear my heart start beating again.
"Buy you a drink?"
"Not going to fuck you." I was rude, but I ran out of patience.
"Cannot say I am not disappointed. But, I figured. So, what do you want?"
"Bourbon neat."
It was not my drink but his. Why did I order it?
"Wow, going strong. Bad break up?"
I snorted. There had to be a relationship to break up.
"Okaaay, so here you go."
I stared at the glass and was lost.
I never drank this stuff.
I heard a sigh and the Bourbon was replaced by lemon drop.
My favourite.
The man had warm and understanding eyes.
"Lucky guess. You looked like a vodka guy. Am I wrong?"
"No, thank you." I drank it.
He sipped the Bourbon and ordered another lemon drop for me.
Another one.
Another.
Another.
Another.
No drinking was complete without drunk texting.
Wnt u.
Babe, where are you?
Misssssssssss u
I miss you too. Changed the number again?
dnc.
I want to dance with you too.
Lv u.
I love you too, Dave. Go home. You are drunk.
"I called you a cab. You are wasted and I might have been the reason."
He was cute. Why did I think this man was him? Even the hair texture was different.
I stumbled when tried to stand up.
"Oh, easy tiger." He steadied me.
"Kitten." I mumbled.
"What?"
"Nothing."
I was sad.
Why was I sad? I wanted to cry, but I cannot cry here. Why? I had to be in my room to cry.
I could not let anyone know.
I felt someone putting their hands under my arms.
"Don't touch me. I am not yours."
"Not trying to touch you but you need to be inside the cab not on the bonnet."
Someone got in the car with me.
"I am not yours."
"Dude, I'm no rapist. I will drop off at your dorms."
I scowled.
"How do you know?"
"You told me."
"Oh." I did not. Did I?
"Please do not puke on me."
"I puke when sad." I blinked.
"Are you sad?"
"Very."
"It is okay."
"Oooooh, I know this place. I know this place." I jumped out.
"Good, because this is your dorms."
Oooh, the spider plant.
If I walked to left....
Oooooh the cactus.
If I took the stairs...
Ooooooh the rose.
There had to be a door somewhere over here...
"Haaaa...why are you hiding, door? Don't hide. I give you kisses. mmmmmmmaaaah."
The door opened because I kissed it.
"You are amazing dooooor."
Had to video call someone and tell I was okay.
Or...or...something...
I was sad. Very sad.
Why was laptop not opening?
"Open, laptop."
I blinked.
"Opeeeeeen, laptooooop." I kissed it. The door opened when I kissed it, sooooo.
"Master Hamster is drunk, self-shutting down and dormant for 6 hours until next manual sequence prompt."
My laptop was a meanie.
"I am nooot drunk. I have to call..."
"Nope, good night!"
I knocked on it twice but laptop was being a meanie.
I was sad.
Very sad.