WELCOME TO THE FINAL BOOK IN THE STYLIST SERIES!!! THE BOOK COVER IS ABOVE !
ATTENTION IF YOU HAVE CLICKED THIS BOOK WITHOUT HAVING READ THE DESCRIPTION PLS GO BACK AND READ IT BC IT'S VERY CLEVER AND I NEED SO APPRECIATION PLS(,:
little disclaimer here: so obviously all of my stories in this series have been VERY close to what's actually going on in Harry's life like tour and things like this... well not anymore. I'm still going to be making this as REALISTIC as possible, but it's 2021 now in the story... and well idk what's going to actually be happening in his life then. Please bare with me with that, and also.... remember.... this is fictional!!!!!
Idk how many chapters will be in this book but there will not be another in the series after this so prepare yourselves!
ENJOY!
EL'S POV:
"Darling! What are you doing?" I hear him call from downstairs.
"I was writing a tour report to Alessandro... sending him some of my sketches! Why?" I call back to him, and hear more shuffling.
"Come down stairs.... Dress up nice..." I tilt my head to his words, and get up, moving slow. We got home from the tour around two days ago. Anthony and I left the doctor three weeks ago in Australia. I went straight back to the hotel that day, telling Harry I was sick, and not feeling well enough for the night. It wasn't a lie. I was sick to my stomach, and not because of what was growing inside of me.
The baby itself was a miracle, though we hadn't planned to have one so soon, though I'm horrified in some ways of being a mom at this point in my life. I'm terrified because of the risk... I'm not a healthy person. Even when I am at my healthiest, I'm not strong, and well like others, and that was the first thing my doctor told me when they saw the ultrasound... They said that it was a high risk pregnancy. They said that Crohn's and pregnancy means that my body is more likely to reject the pregnancy all together.
I get up, and go into the closet, pulling on a dress I like, knowing that my body hasn't changed at all, and knowing it won't for a while. I don't want to tell him until after the first trimester... until I'm more certain that this is really happening, and it really is for his own good... I know he wants this. I know he wants this badly, he wants a child, and I think I do too, but... I don't want to get his hopes up.
I don't want to watch the disappointment on his face if he were to find out I lost our child. I hardly knew anything about the mix between my disease, and pregnancy mostly because it was never thought of in my mind, but since that day I have done nothing but research the mix... study everything I can about it...
I look at the soft material on my skin, feeling like I'm glowing against the white material, and I smile, pushing the dress down. I go down the stairs, and realize I have no idea what's going on.
"Harry why did I-" I stop as I turn the corner into the living room. "What's this?" I ask, my voice flipping up as I clasp my hands tight in front of me, a smile forming on my lips.
"Dinner." He mumbles, a smile on his lips too. He told me he wanted to start cooking more, to get better at it, and to cook for me, and I told him I was fine with that if he wanted it. I see the table set up, candles, and all, and a nice tablecloth, and flowers in the center. I knew he wanted to start cooking, but this is really nice....
"For me." I mumble, and soften even more.
"Yes darling... To celebrate some time off, come on." He nods his head, and pulls the chair out for me, letting me sit down. He wears a soft blue button down along with black pants. I watch him walk around the table, and towards the kitchen. "I tried something new, I just wanted to branch out a bit." His words are light, and he's more than excited about this, he seems somewhat nervous, but it's a good kind of nervous from what I can tell. He starts plating the food he made, and brings it to me, setting it down, and my stomach turns at the smell of the vegetables on the plate, and I stand quickly, moving to the bathroom.
"Are you okay?" I can hear him follow behind me as I sink to the floor, tired of the morning sickness, and the fact that it should never should have been named morning sickness because it hits you at all hours of the fucking day. "What can I do?" He asks, the contents of my stomach emptied. I think it's done, and then I'm heaving once more, leaning over the toilet. "I'll go to your suitcase, and get the nausea medication.." He mumbles, his hand leaving my back.
I wish more than anything that this would end, laying here, beads of sweat forming, knowing I should be used to the feeling of throwing up from all the years of flare ups, but for some reason this is worse, and- Fuck... Fuck, no.
"Harry wait!" I get up quicker than I've moved in a long time, running out of the bathroom, and up the stairs. "Harry don't go in my..." My voice trails as I throw myself against the door, stopping in the room as I see him on his knees in front of my open suitcase. "Harry I-" I hold onto the door handle, standing in the entryway, and he stands slowly, turning with papers in his hands.
"What is this?" He asks, his voice low, showing hardly any emotion. He holds the papers from my doctor tight between his fingers, and he doesn't look angry, he looks confused, concerned. "El, what the hell is this?" He asks again, shaking the papers, and I step back. "Are you... El, are you pregnant?" He doesn't raise his voice, he becomes soft with the words, his eyes brimming with tears, and I'm speechless at this moment.
I'm horrified because I didn't want this. I wanted him to find out from my own words, when I was ready to tell him... not like this. I nod slowly looking down as I do, and he freezes.
"This is a joke... You're joking right?" He asks, and my heart sinks. "These papers are dated three weeks ago, these papers are from Australia. This has to be a joke because I don't think you'd be dumb enough to keep something like this from me." He raises his voice, and I stay where I am, not knowing how to go about any of this.
"I had a reason..." I mumble, knowing there's truth behind itt. He shakes his head, turning away from me, the papers still tight in his hand, crumpled where his fist holds it, and he turns back to me forcefully.
"What was the reason? Don't even answer that question honestly, because there's not one. There's not a single reason that you could tell me right now that would make sense as to why you kept something like this from me. Milan... I understood it, I understood why you kept that from me. We weren't together, you had no ties to me, you had no reason to tell me. Your dad.. .you were horrified, you were scared, and part of you was afraid to lose me, but this? This is my fucking child El! This is my child, this is something that directly has to do with me! You had no right to keep this from me!" He yells, and he's not one for anger.
He hardly ever raises his voice, but the few times he has never came close to this...it scares me. I flinch back out of instinct, and my breath shakes. He has every right to be angry right now, every single right, but I didn't think that it would be like this. "Who else knows? Let me guess, Anthony knows? You told Anthony about my child... MY child, before you told me?" He asks, and I look at him, looking to see his expression. "This has to be a joke..." He shakes his head, throwing the papers on the bed.
"It's not a joke... If you would just let me explain I-" I start, and he turns around again, throwing his hands.
"No! There's nothing to explain! You're pregnant! You're carrying my child inside of you right now, and you didn't think that would be something I'd want to know... I don't know... Right away? There's nothing to explain except why the hell you always do this shit El!" He raises his voice more, and I break.
"I wanted to tell you!" I shout, and he turns back to me, his face more hurt than angered now.
"Then why didn't you? This is bullshit El!" He sits down now, his hands running through his hair, and his elbows connecting to his knees as he looks to the floor.
"Because I didn't want to get your hopes up... Because I want to be able to give you this, and there's a really high chance that I won't be able to... Because I didn't want to have to see the look of disappointment or disgust, or hatred when you found out that my body rejected the pregnancy, and you weren't going to be a dad." I tell him, and he looks up to me.
"That's insane... that's mental, and it's so untrue El. I don't care how high the risk is, I don't care what the doctor says, I care that you kept something so personal from me. That's my child, that directly has to do with me, and you were probably planning on keeping this from me until you couldn't anymore, until you started showing... Because you keep everything from me until you can't hold it anymore so just unload every bit of it on to me... When were you planning on telling me?" He barks, and his words sting a bit, but I take them, knowing I deserve them in these moments.
"I was planning on telling you after the first trimester... The risk lowers after then... I wanted to be more certain that they were actually ours, and that it wasn't some sick joke, and that I was actually... that I was actually going to be a mom." I break a bit... the fear creeping in, and mixing things up.. I want this. I want to be a mom, I want to hold my child, and I want this with him. I can imagine it all, every moment he'll spend loving that child, and I want it but the fear is more prominent right now, the fear of losing something I don't even have yet.. "I should have told you... I should have told you and I know that, but it wasn't a matter of how do I keep this from him. It was a matter of, how the hell do I tell him he might be a dad, when I'm not even sure if I'm good enough to carry this child. It was a matter of avoiding the hurt I would feel, knowing that I would be stealing this away from you if I lost them..." I tell him truthfully, and I'm crying now, hating the feeling of fighting with him, hating the fact that this is happening at all.
"El I-" He starts, but I cut him off.
"I'm not finished... On top of it all there was always talk of you wanting kids... but you always said years and years away. This was an accident Harry, and we're not even married, we're not, and how do you think the public is going to take that? What the fuck is Jeffrey going to say? Harry your career... and, and your fans, and... I've been wracking my brain trying to think of how this is going to pan out, and I can't even think of it.... There's no way to wrap my head around what this means for you, and-" I start.
"Okay, but what about you? What does this mean for you El? There's no way that you actually thought any of this through, because if you did you would have come to me with this. You'd be dumb to think I wouldn't be over the moon, complications or not, fear or not. You must be absolutely mental if you think that I would have done anything but celebrate this. Do you think I give a fuck what my fans say about you getting pregnant? I care about them, and I love them, but my child? El, you, and that always comes first, and who cares if we aren't married. Dammit El, I've had the fucking ring for over a year now, and I-" He moves his hand inside his pocket.
"Don't! Not right now, not while we're fighting... don't." I mumble, pointing a finger, my stomach burning as he mentions having the ring... "Just... just call me dumb, and mental then. You say I must be dumb to think you wouldn't be excited over this, and that I'd be mental to think that you would have not celebrated this so that's what I am, becausr that's exactly what I thought, I didn't tell you because I'm fucking horrified to lose this child, and I'm horrified to lose you because of it. I didn't tell you because I want to tell you good news, that I'm past the first trimester, and that our child is happy, and healthy, and that we're really going to have a baby instead of having to tell you that I lost it. That I fucking lost our child, and that it's all my fault, and that my body, and mind weren't good enough for this and they never will be. I didn't want to wake up one day when you realize that you might never have a child because I took that away from you!" I break down this time, wishing I wasn't crying right now, knowing I have no right to. I don't want him to see me cry, and I turn on my heel, going to the bathroom, closing the door, and locking it behind me, not wanting him to really see me cry at this moment.
"El... open the door." He mumbles, and I hear a soft knock on the other side. I look down, wiping my eyes. My lip shakes, and I try to breathe, wishing the tears would stop.
"Just give me a minute please." I mumble lightly, trying to keep myself from crying more.
"Darling, open the door...." I know he's leaned against it now, his voice warming. I unlock the door, and open it up, looking at him, feeling like an idiot for the entire fight. He pulls me to his chest, one hand laced through my hair, the other on the small of my back, his cologne strong, and welcoming as I press to him.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I wanted to tell you. It killed me, it tore me apart having to hide it, I didn't- I didn't want to, and Anthony only knew because he was at the doctor with me... I'm sorry." I cry against his chest, feeling helpless in this situation, feeling like an idiot.
"It's okay darling..." He mumbles, and it makes all of this sky rocket.
"It's not okay... and you should be mad, you should be furious with me, you shouldn't pretend this is fine when I know it's not. I fucked up." I mumble, and he sighs.
"I am mad... I'm furious, and I still can't wrap my head around you not telling me that I was having a baby... but I'm more concerned about you, and where you are mentally and how you are. I can let go of the anger to focus on you because that's what matters right now." He tells me, and I feel my breath shaking. "Tell me exactly what the doctor said to you... Can you do that?" He asks, bending down as I cry, and I take a deep breath, nodding. We move from the bathroom, and into the bedroom, I sit down, criss crossing my legs as he sits next to me, looking to me for answers.
"I thought I was sick, having a flare up, and they started an ultrasound to check the inflammation while I was there, they wanted to see what was going on, and they found a baby instead which at first made me smile, but the doctors face changed that quickly... Basically what was said is that since I was in the midst of a small flare up during the time of conception that I'm going to continue to have that... That this pregnancy is going to take a really heavy toll on my body if my body doesn't reject it.... In the first trimester the pregnancy puts my body in a state of inflammation, which considering the fact that I'm already in a state of inflammation it's making it worse, which causes nutritional issues, and protein insufficiencies... Basically the inflammation is too much for my body to handle, and it makes it harder for me to keep the child." I tell him, and he listens to every word, soaking all of it in.
"The pregnancy itself can irritate my existing state, and I can't take any types of medication for it unless I want the possibility of the child to come out with deficiencies, and more problems... So I've been off all my medications for a few weeks now... It doesn't matter if the activity of the Crohn's itself slows down. In general, the fact that my body is the way that it is I'm at high risk of miscarraige, especially within the first trimester, I'm at risk of preterm birth, severely low birth weight, and complications during labor and delivery... If I wasn't in the midst of a flare up, if I was in a period of remission this would have been avoided because most of those risks would have been a lot smaller, but since I'm not... I basically fucked myself over with this." I tell him, and he's looking at me, taking everything in.
"The few trips you took to the doctor... they were for.." His voice trails off as I nod.
"They were to get things sorted out, to ask as many questions as I could, and figure out how to manage this, and be as healthy as possible, that way I could keep the child... They used to tell women who had Crohn's to avoid pregnancy all together, that it would be too hard, but the studies recently have shown that it is very possible, that there's a great chance of conception, and leading a healthy pregnancy, having a healthy child... But there's still a great chance of my body ruining everything." I tell him.
"What about... what about you, can this hurt you?" He asks, and he's more concerned now.
"I'll be okay... My body is just taking on a little bit more than it should, and it's going to affect me... There's a chance that towards the end of the pregnancy that I won't be able to get out of bed, Crohn's drains me as it is, in addition to the life inside of me... During the birth I will most likely have to have a C-Section to avoid complications for the child, but.. But all together I should be okay..." I tell him, and I sigh. "I'm going for my first real prenatal appointment soon... Then my dating scan is after that..." I tell him, and he has the softest look on his face.
"Come here..." He mumbles, and I stand up, moving over to him. I stand right between his legs, looking slightly down to him, and he takes the hem of my dress, lifting it up, and I hold it, showing the tiniest form of a bump... It's hardly noticeable, if you didn't know my body, you'd never even guess I was pregnant, but he knows my body well, and he sees it. His eyes fall to my belly, and he places his hands on my hips as I hold the dress up, looking down to him as he brings himself forward, his lips pressing right above my belly button.
(This is probably around what her stomach would look like... she's around 5/6 weeks)
My eyes are still tear filled, and I feel warmth through my entire body as I watch the gesture in front of my eyes. He takes my hands, and pulls the dress back down, pulling me down as well, sitting me on his knee. "I love you... so much. I'm going to take care of you darling, both of you." He has tears in his eyes as well, his hand on my thigh as he looks up to me from where I sit. "I'm sorry for getting so angry..." He apologizes, and I shake my head.
"You had every right to get mad... I never should have kept it from you, I'm just... I'm so scared to lose it... I'm terrified, and I-" My tears pour over ,and I stop myself from talking now.
"It's going to be okay... We'll be alright El... All three of us are going to be alright." He tells me, and his head presses to my side as he hugs me to him, my hand looped around his shoulders. "I'm going to... I'm going to be a dad..." He tells me, and it's like it all hits him at once. "I'm... El, I'm going to be a dad." His voice grows in anticipation, and I'm off of his knee, and he's standing within seconds. He wraps his arms around my waist, and lifts me from the ground, hugging me with pure excitement running through him. "I'm going to be a dad!" He's accepted the words now, but I haven't said anything, my feet connecting to the ground again. "This is a good thing.... You see this as a good thing right?" He asks me, his hands on my hips still.
"If it actually happens..." I mumble, trying to keep my voice hopeful, trying to keep my tears from falling. He swipes under my eye, catching the tears before they fall.
"Don't think like that... think like it's ours and we've got it, and we're going to... we're really going to start this life together." He tells me, and I want to think of it like that, and I want to be excited about this but it's hard... "Or we can lay here, you can talk to me, and be open with me and let me in on what you're afraid of..." He mumbles softly. The night is coming upon us as we lay down, and I can't help but think about everything I have the past few weeks, crying to him, spilling every doubt and fear, spilling the thoughts of not knowing if we're even ready to be parents. "I don't think anyone is ever ready to be a parent darling... you learn as you go..." He tells me, and I squeeze my eyes shut.
"I just want this... I want this so bad." I mumble, finally outwardly admitting how bad I want this child. I never wanted this. I never planned for this, I had so much life ahead to live without this, but this is going to become my life, he or she is going to become my world... if I get them... If it all works out... If I'm strong enough.
HARRY'S POV:
She rolls away from me as she sleeps, the only light coming from the moon, and now my phone. It's one in the morning, and I can't sleep. Obviously I can't sleep, my pregnant girlfriend is sleeping next to me... I'm going to be a dad. I keep mumbling it out, my mind keeps saying it but for some reason it's not sinking in... I'm going to be a dad, and I don't know what to feel. The anxiety in my chest hasn't left since I found the papers. The hurt feeling inside, knowing she kept his from me, and the heart shattering feeling of knowing why she did.
She's horrified, she's scared beyond recognition of losing this child, and it hurts to know that. It hurts to know there's nothing I can do to take it away, but it also hurts knowing that there's a part of me that fears it too, but I won't tell her that... I need to be the sure one in this situation, I can't sit here, and live in fear with her, or it will eat her up... I find myself standing, pacing, and soon enough putting my shoes on, my hands shaking, my panic growing. I find myself getting out of the car, walking to the front door, and knocking with shaking hands.
"Harry?" Jeff asks, opening the door to me. He rubs his eyes, his pajamas on, and his voice gruff with sleep. "What's going on? Is everything okay?" He asks me, and I somehow can't find the words to speak. I open my mouth, but tears fall instead, and he's awake now, looking to me for an answer.
"El is pregnant." I get it out, and I'm scared for his reaction at first until he pulls me into him, hugging me as I cry it out finally, letting every fear and emotion seep into the air. He brings me inside, and sits me on his couch, getting me a glass of water, and coming back to me.
"Jeff?" I hear Glenne, and my leg shakes nervously as I think of everything, my mind going every which way it can. "Oh Harry, I didn't expect to see you here so late... Is everything alright?" She asks, coming into the living room with Jeff and I.
"No... El is.." Jeff starts, and I already know he tells her everything, I know he tells her all about what goes on in my life so I make the step.
"She's pregnant." I tell her, and she gasps softly after the words are out in the open.
"That's wonderful Harry... This is great, right?" She asks, and I see her turn to Jeff, and then back to me.
"I'm scared... I'm fucking scared, I can't raise a fucking kid. I still feel like a fucking kid half the time, and she's going to kick my ass when she finds out I told you without her, but I didn't know what else to do." I admit, trying to breath.
"Take a deep breath... How did this happen?" He asks me, and I look to him, thinning my eyes at him with my mouth open, wondering if he's being serious or not.
"Well there's this thing called sex, and we were obviously taking part in that thing for quite some time, do you need an explanation of what sex is too?" I ask, and he shakes his head.
"I mean... did you two not.. Were you not careful about it?" He asks me, and I sigh.
"She was on birth control. I watched her take the pills everyday, I just... it's not even about that, it's not about this being a bad thing. She's pregnant and there's nothing we can do about that, it's about the fans, it's about my job, and the music, and you, and the band... What are they going to say, how are they going to act? I wanted this one day, I just thought... I thought I'd be married to her first, I thought I'd already be somewhat settled down.." I tell him, panicking even more, and Glenne takes my hand.
"Take a deep breath okay?" She asks me, and I do, knowing I need to calm myself down. "Does she know you're scared? How does she feel about all of this?" She asks, and I pull my hand back, running my hands through my hair.
"She doesn't want to disappoint me... She really wants the kid, she's happy on that side of it, but she's terrified to lose the baby, she's afraid because of her Crohn's that she's not going to be strong enough to keep it...I can't tell her any of this because I don't want to scare her more, she looked to me today for comfort, she needs someone to tell her everything is going to be alright, but I'm scared it's not going to be alright, and I'm terrified." I admit, and I feel my tears coming again. Why wasn't I more careful? We aren't ready for this... I'm not ready for this at all, I don't know the first thing about being a parent...
"Look at me... you've both got the hard part out of the way... she told you, and you told me... You do not need to be worrying about the fans, and the press, or anything of the sort. Every ounce of your concern should be on her, and that child... You take care of her, you help her, you provide for her... you ask her to be your wife..." Jeffrey speaks to me like a father sometimes, he guides me and helps me, and other times he speaks to me as a friend. Right now is the father time, and I need this more than anything.
"I've had a ring for over a year now I was just..." I trail off, letting my voice go.
"You were what?" Glenne asks, and I sigh, leaning back against the couch.
"I was afraid she'd be horrified, and scared, and say no because it was too soon." I tell both of them truthfully, and Jeffrey laughs.
"Well good thing you don't have to worry about that now..." He jokes, and I sigh, looking up to the ceiling.
"I'm sorry for coming so late I just... I couldn't sleep." I tell them truthfully.
"That's what I'm here for, but when I go back to the states you're going to have to find someone else to wake up at one in the morning you know." He jokes with me, and I stand up, rubbing my eyes as I do.
"Stay here tonight.. Clear your mind, and go home tomorrow... Don't drive this late." Glenne speaks out, and I'm tired now, my eyes heavy, and the day finally catching up to me.
"Yea... okay." I agree slowly, sitting back down.
"Harry... You know we're going to have to make some sort of announcement to your fans after you're sure this is happening, and after you tell your family.. I think it'd be best they found out from you or El instead of finding out from a tabloid or some paparazzi picture of your pregnant girlfriend." Jeffrey tells me as he stands.
"I know... We'll think of something... You two go back to bed, I'll be here in the morning."
I tell them, and they leave, going back upstairs, telling me goodnight, and once again leaving me alone with my thoughts... The world has always thrown me odd curve balls, sending me in different directions I'd never thought I'd go, but this is an entirely new level of different... I'm scared, I'm nervous, I can't help but think of everyone's reaction to this, but above everything I can't stop thinking to myself... I'm going to be a dad...
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Song: Pan!c by Audrey Mika
SURPRISE AND WELCOME TO CREATOR!!!! COMMENT YOUR THOUGHTS!!!