CODY is fast asleep with his head on my shoulder when I climb the stairs at five a.m. Strangely, I'm not as tired as I usually am at this time-although, that might be because I know what's waiting for me.
Like I could forget.
The last few hours of my shift were torturous. My skin still smelled of him, my body still ached to be touched by him, and everywhere I turned I found myself searching for his face, hoping to find him again.
I'm standing outside of Cody's bedroom, watching him snore softly, when the apartment door opens quietly.
He looks freshly showered, his hair falling from its usual style and sticking up like it has a plan of its own. His feet are bare, poking out from the bottom of his sweats. Harry is beautiful-he always is-but tonight there's something dark and almost predatory lying beneath his perfect features.
He stands in the doorway, both of us silent, until finally-finally-he looks at me. Hard.
His face is dark like the beginning of a storm, and I wonder if I should brace myself or just hold on and let it break. My muscles tense as he stalks across the apartment, my pulse racing and the flame from earlier igniting with a rush.
Tonight there's no hesitation.
He lifts a hand and weaves it through my hair, his hand cupping the back of my head as he crushes me to his chest, his heart beating hard against his ribs, his lips pressing harder against my temple. The combination of the two is inescapably raw and unbearably tender.
"I wanted to do this earlier," he whispers into my hair, holding me tighter.
My fingers dig hard into his back, holding him close as his kisses move across my hairline and down my cheek.
"To feel you," he says quietly into my ear, the resulting goose bumps making me shiver hard against him. "To know that you're safe."
"Harry," I whisper in return, hoping that it somehow tells him what I want, how I feel, how much I need him.
His mouth covers mine and his body follows, the length of him pressed against the length of me until there's barely room to breathe. The weight feels good, it feels solid and real and grounding.
The brush of his tongue against mine makes me frantic, and when he presses his hips against me, the result of our heated kisses making itself known against my lower stomach, it's enough to make me push back, desperately looking for more. His kisses and his body pin me to the wall beside my bedroom door, his hands tight around my thighs, his body firm between. With my legs around his waist he kisses me until my world spins and my body aches.
"Last night," he whispers against my skin, his words coming in short pants as my fingers tug at his hair and his lips attack my throat and jaw line, "I was going out of my mind. The idea that someone was here...that you could have been here...that Cody..."
He fights for control of the anger swelling within him. He takes a deep breath, his chest expanding against mine. I can feel the doorframe digging into my back, and Harry's fingers are so tight around my thighs I'm sure there will be finger-sized red spots left behind.
"Look at me, Harry," I urge, lifting his head with my hands. I cradle his face in my palms, forcing him to look at me. His green eyes, full of fire and hooded with desire, hold mine, his gaze fierce.
"I'm fine," I whisper, brushing a hand over the coarse hair that covers his jaw. "We're fine."
He kisses me again, his lips bruising but so very wanted, needed, craved, and we continue to kiss until I can barely think straight. Breathing heavily, Harry presses his head to my chest, and his breath on my sternum makes my legs tighten around his waist.
"We have to stop," he says quietly. "Otherwise-"
"Stay the night," I say, breathless with want. "Stay with me."
Harry tilts his head back a little to look at me again. His eyes search mine, looking for any sign of hesitation. "Are you sure?"
I link my hands together behind his head, drawing him close. "I'm so sure."
The touch of his mouth against mine again makes me burn, and the way he touches me makes it impossible not to curve my body against his almost instinctively, pushing against him wherever I can.
We move awkwardly into the bedroom, Harry kicking the door closed a little as he moves. His shirt is the first to go, tossed somewhere at the foot of my bed. Towering over me, he follows until my legs are against my mattress, his eyes devouring me as my shirt follows his, lost somewhere to my darkened bedroom. I sit gently on the edge of the bed, my hands steady as they reach for the waistband of his sweat pants. We both watch as I slide them down his legs until he's in nothing but grey cotton.
"Shift back," he says, gesturing with his head.
I move back a little, enough to allow him room to rest one knee on the bed beside me. Warm fingers dance across my stomach, creating a flash of goose bumps in their wake. So, so gently, Harry unbuttons my jeans, and even the sensation of the denim sliding over my bare legs sends a shiver up my spine.
My whole body tenses as his hands slide up from my knees to my inner thighs. Both of our eyes follow as he smoothes his thumbs over the cotton of my underwear, making my hips jerk in response.
When his body settles over mine I actually sigh. I reach for him, seeking the comfort of his lips against mine. Within minutes my bra has joined the pile of clothes on the floor, and between the sensation of Harry's mouth on my breast and his thigh between mine, I'm lost.
"Is this okay?" he asks, looking up at me.
I have no doubt he can feel the heat radiating from me, feel just how responsive my body is to his touch, but I nod anyway, my lip caught between my teeth. Kissing his way across my chest, his arm slides down my stomach until his hand is laying flat against me, his fingers touching me softly over my underwear and making my hips shake. We continue like that-him with his hand between my legs and me with mine in his hair-until my knees are shaking and I can't stop pressing myself up and into the palm of his hand.
There are whispered curses from us both as his fingers move and he slips beneath the edge of my underwear, the small movements making my skin pebble and my mouth fall open. He groans softly as I arch into his touch, his mouth covering my nipple as his fingers work slowly. My eyes roll as his mouth travels over the ridge of my sternum and down onto the sensitive skin of my stomach, his hand never leaving the space between my legs. With his head resting between my hipbones, his breath comes in warm pants as he watches his fingers dip in and out of me, and the thought that he's watching himself fuck me with his fingers sends a jolt of heat right where his hand is.
When I'm about to break, when there's nothing left of me but sensation and heat and the touch of his hands against me, he stops.
I gasp, frantically trying to suppress the urge to beg him to keep going.
"You have to be quiet," he whispers against my skin, and I don't understand why until he slides down farther, his knees resting at the foot of the bed. My hands tighten in the sheets beside my hips as he slides my underwear down my legs. I'm used to being undressed in front of men, but I've never felt more naked than I do beneath Harry's eyes. They're everywhere at once, his mouth open a little as he looks down at me.
He kisses my inner thigh slowly, his tongue sliding slowly upward.
"Oh my God," I whisper, the heat of a blush raging up my neck.
Harry looks up, a smirk tilting his mouth.
"I'm sorry," I say, my hand over my eyes. "It's just no one's been that close to...me...since Cody was born."
He rolls his eyes, and I laugh again, covering my mouth with my hand as his teeth sink into the flesh on my inner thigh and the giggle turns into a moan.
"Can you be quiet?" he asks again, looking up at me from between my legs.
I nod, trying to control my breathing.
I've barely had time to collect my thoughts when his mouth is on me and I have to cover my face to stop from shouting his name. He uses his hands and his tongue, and in moments I'm squirming and writhing beneath his touch, shamelessly opening my legs for him. It takes everything I have not to cry out when I come, my mouth open and my eyes scrunched shut as my body shakes.
I'm still shaking when, finally, Harry brings his mouth back to mine, pressing me back into the bed as his body settles on top of mine. My hips jerk as he rests his weight between my thighs, and when I press up against him he groans, pressing back. My body continues to pulse and shiver for him, and even though my muscles are jelly my blood still sings with need.
All that separates us is the thin material of his boxer shorts. All it would take is one slight movement, the shift of material. "Please, Harry," I whisper, tightening my legs around his hips.
The scruff of his beard rasps against my neck as he shifts a little, pressing his hips into mine again, and his back tenses beneath my hands. My hand slides down to anchor him against me, the weight of his hips bones against my inner thighs foreign but welcomed.
When I reach up to skim my lips across the thundering pulse in his neck, he swallows loudly, resting his head on my shoulder. His hand slides around my thigh, shifting it higher as he rocks against me.
I can feel him, hot and hard against my sensitive flesh, and it drives me fucking wild.
"I didn't think-I thought..."
I slide a hand beneath the waistband of his briefs, bordering on desperate.
With a grunt, he pulls my hand from his hip and pins it to the pillow beside my head. His voice shakes. "I can't."
I'm quiet for a moment.
"You...what?"
Harry lifts his head to look at me, his expression a mixture of pain and apology. "Cody," he whispers. "I can't with him right next door." He sighs, resting his head on my shoulder. "I can't focus. I-I'm sorry."
For a moment we're silent but for my breathing and the thunder of our heartbeats.
Harry's body sags into mine. "I can't stand the thought of him walking in."
When I start to giggle his weight collapses on top of me, his head buried in my neck. I have to cover my mouth to stifle the sound of my laughter.
"I'm sorry," he says again, rolling himself from atop me.
I lie there for a moment, catching my breath, giving my heart a moment to calm its frenzied pace. Harry is quiet, his jaw clenched and his eyes shut tight.
Smiling, I roll onto one side. Reaching over, I run a finger down the side of his face, over the blush that's warming his cheeks. "It's fine. I get it," I say. "We have time."
Groaning a little, Harry turns to face me, wrapping an arm over my waist and holding me close. We're silent for a little while, the electricity that pulses through us settling into something like a hum, a gentle vibration between us. It's comfort and peace and contentment, it's the heat of Harry's skin beside me, and the man within that skin that cares for me unlike anyone has in a long time. As tired as I am, I almost want to stay awake just to bask in it.
"So," I whisper. "You liked the dance?"
Looking up at me, Harry blinks slowly, staring at me like are you serious right now?
Smiling, I tuck my lip between my teeth as I edge closer to him. "Tell me."
He reaches up to brush my hair from my cheek, tucking it behind my ear. Quiet for a moment, his fingers tangle in the ends of my hair. If I could purr I would.
"It's like watching you come alive," he says finally. "You move like you're finally realizing how beautiful you are. It's..." His hand splays flat against my lower back as he pulls me closer. "It's so fucking sexy."
I can't help it; I blush.
"You're confident," he continues, his finger moving upwards to brush the outside of my breast. "More than you are anywhere else. You're awake. Present. You're goddamn heartbreaking."
My words are barely a whisper. "Heartbreaking?"
Harry nods.
"I really did miss you," I say. "So much."
"So much," he echoes, gently touching his soft lips to my kiss-bruised ones.
With my hands flat against his shoulders, I press him until he's on his back and I'm straddling his lap. Regardless of how he's made me feel, I still want him any way I can have him.
I make him shudder and moan with my mouth across every inch of his skin I can reach.
His hands touch my sides, my hips, my face, wherever they can find. When I slip my hand into the front of his boxers this time, it's him who makes the promise to be quiet.
"I can't...fuck...I can't promise anything if you keep doing that."
His back arches and the muscles around his hips tense as I take him into my mouth. True to his word, he is quiet, even when he whispers my name as his hips jerk into my hand, his jaw tight.
Sunlight has just begun to peek in under the curtains when Harry's voice cuts through the silence.
"Are you scared?"
Heavy with sleep, I lift my head. "Of what?"
"Of this," he says. "Of me."
I shift, our legs tangling beneath the sheets. "Why would I be scared?"
Harry pulls me against him, bringing the comforter up over our shoulders.
"Because I'm scared every day. You've already been through so much-more than anyone should at your age. Your ex, Nick, your father, Leah-you deserve more than this life." He's silent for a moment. Eyes closed, I press my ear to his chest, listening to his heart beat a slow and steady rhythm. "I want you to have more, to have everything. I'm afraid that I can't give it to you, and the thought of hurting you scares me so much I can't breathe sometimes."
I eat up his words, savoring them, tasting them, letting them roll around my head. It's maybe more than I've ever heard him say at once. His words are so sweet it's almost painful.
"I was scared," I say truthfully, brushing my fingers through the short hair above his ear. "But I'm not anymore."
Harry turns to press his cheek into my palm.
"I guess I finally realized I'm not scared of being hurt anymore. I'm not afraid that you'll break me because...I'm already broken, Harry."
"No-"
"Yes," I say, smiling. "I've seen the bottom, Harry. I've been there. I don't know what's left to give you, but what I have is yours." I rest my hands on his chest, splaying them wide, smiling at the contrast between my pale, clean skin, and his. "I know that whatever we have isn't easy, and I know that being with you means knowing there are parts of your life I might never know about. But you promised me once you would never hurt my family, and I believe you."
Harry is silent, but his heart beats steadily beneath my palm. He's absorbing my words, turning them and fixing them into the places they fit inside of him.
"I've never been this afraid of anything in my life," he says quietly.
"Don't be afraid," I whisper back. "I'll keep you safe."
The words settle between us, thick like a blanket, warming the space between us.
"I would do anything for you," he whispers, his voice lazy and filled with the sound of sleep.
Visions of a smashed up yellow Porsche flicker before my eyes, of bloody knuckles and bruised cheeks. I swallow thickly. "I know."
Even as I try to fall asleep I can't help but think of the night before and the deal I've made with Nick. It all feels so far away, like another lifetime. Nevertheless, it's a deal that can't be broken, a promise made to a dangerous man. Just this once, I think to myself. Once and then I'm done for good.
I'll find a way out.
I'll find a way to pull myself free of the mess I've gotten myself into.
We lie there quietly, and I listen as his breathing eventually evens out and he falls asleep.
"I'm not afraid of falling in love with you," I say quietly, knowing Harry won't hear me. "If I was it's too late anyway."
Just moments later-or what feels like moments anyway-the bedroom door swings open, and an excited Cody launches himself up and onto my bed.
"It's my birthday! It's my birthday!"
The bed bounces as Cody springs up and down clapping. My eyes are glued shut with exhaustion, and it's not until Cody accidentally kicks me in the leg that finally they pop open. The first thing I notice is that Harry is no longer beside me. My heart lurches for a moment, but then I hear the taps in the bathroom and I relax a little.
It wasn't a dream.
Reaching out, I open my arms for Cody to fall into, and with a smile he plops down on top of me.
"Happy birthday," I say, holding him tightly, savoring the feeling of my favorite boy in my arms. "Oh my God!" I gasp, holding him at arm's length. "Did you grow bigger overnight?"
I laugh as Cody wriggles out of my grasp to bounce on the bed again.
"Maybe," he replies. "I'm five now."
"You are."
Harry appears at the bedroom door, Cody's slippers in his hand. "Dude, come put your slippers on and I'll make your birthday breakfast, okay?"
"What about Momma?" Cody asks, still bouncing. "Can she has breakfast as well?"
"Let Momma sleep for a bit," replies Harry, ushering Cody to him.
"'Kay." With a final bounce, Cody launches himself off the bed with a thump. "Can we have cake soon, too, Harry? And presents? And when can we go to McDonalds?"
"Let's start with breakfast."
Cody dances away to put his slippers on, and I stretch, unable to hide a huge yawn.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Harry reaches out to cover my exposed feet. "Sleep a little more," he says. "I'll look after Code for a minute."
"You're not tired?"
He shakes his head. "I don't sleep much. A couple hours is all I need."
It's Cody's birthday. I should be awake and alert, but my eyes just don't want to cooperate, and the more I try to think about getting up, the harder it seems. Plus, the luxury of a sleep in, even a small one, is too good to turn down. I smile up at Harry, nodding.
"Just a few more minutes. I promise."
Leaning over, he presses a kiss to my bare shoulder. "I'll come get you."
My eyes slide closed as he leaves, closing the door behind him, and my body relaxes back into the sheets.
Still, I barely sleep. I can't stop thinking about the night before and everything that's led up to it.
I realize, as I lie there wrapped in my sheets that smell of us, that moments like this are exactly why being with Harry is so dangerous. In a moment, with just one touch, one look, he can lift the weight of the world from my shoulders. With him I don't have to think about Blush, or about the debt collectors, about Nick and his bullshit.
He makes me think that maybe I could have a normal life again.
He's become the question and the answer, the beginning and the end.
He gives me hope.