I sit the bowl full of hamburger mix on the kitchen table beside Cody. "You have to mix it really well, okay?"
He smiles almost manically, his hands hovering over the bowl. "With my hands?"
"Did you wash them like I asked?"
Cody nods furiously, holding his hands out for closer inspection. I know they're clean but check anyway—who knows what the kid's had his hands in. Satisfied, I gesture to the bowl of minced meat and onion. "Go on then."
He immediately digs his hands into the mix, giggling as it squishes between his fingers. It would have taken me two and a half seconds to mix it myself, but Cody loves to help, and it keeps his little hands out of mischief.
I've intentionally kept both of us busy in a vain attempt to stop myself from completely freaking out, but there's only so much cleaning that can be done in our tiny apartment.
I don't know which part of my sleep-deprived brain thought it was a good idea to invite Harry over for dinner, but as I glance at the clock for the eighteen thousandth time I'm becoming more certain that it was a really bad idea. I've contemplated canceling at least twice, but can't bring myself to do it. While part of me screams that inviting a stranger into my home is a bad idea, a louder, more insistent part of me craves the company of another adult.
And not just any adult—a Harry-shaped adult.
What's more frustrating is that up until I met him, I'd made the decision not to care about what people think of me and of my choices. My life hasn't been easy, and at times it's definitely not what others would have chosen for themselves, or for their children. But I do what I do to keep Cody safe and cared for, so to hell with what everyone else thinks of me. But for some stupid reason I'm worried about what Harry thinks. What will he see when he looks at my apartment? When he sees my well-used second hand furniture, and the walls that are water-stained beneath the peeling wallpaper? For so long I've been living in this little bubble I've created that the idea of letting someone in, of letting someone see inside, is terrifying.
There's also Cody to think about. He's had very little contact with men since his Dad, and although he seemed to be comfortable enough around Harry when they met, I have to be sure he's going to be okay with him in our home.
I watch his hands disappear and reappear into the mincemeat.
"Looking good, baby. Well done." He smiles, giving the mix one last poke with his finger. "So, you remember Harry from down the hall?" I ask.
He looks up. "With the pictures on his hands?"
I smile. "Yeah. He's going to come over for dinner tonight. What do you think?"
A thoughtful look crosses Cody's features. "Does Harry like hamburgers?"
"I'm not sure," I reply, trying to read Cody's reactions. "I guess we'll find out, won't we?"
Cody nods, looking serious. "I guess."
We shape the meat mix into patties ready for cooking.
"Does Harry go to school like me?" he asks.
"No. Adults don't go to school, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I renember."
"Harry fixes cars."
"Cars like in the movie? Like Lightening?"
"Sort of, yeah."
He's quiet for a moment while I clean off his hands.
"Is his hand all better?" he asks. So many questions! But it can only be a good thing.
"I'm not sure," I reply. "You'll have to ask him when he comes over."
"He got The Hulk."
I nod, making sure I've cleaned off any stray bits of beef mince.
"The Hulk make my oopses feel better."
I kiss his clean fingers. "He sure does. Why don't you put your cars away then we'll read some of your book, okay?"
He pouts. "Do I have to?"
I turn him around, facing him toward his bedroom. "Yes."
"Mommaaaaa!" he whines.
"Go. I'll be in there in five minutes."
It's mid-afternoon by the time he settles down for a nap, and I can't help but be thankful for a little space to clear my head. I love my son more than anything in the world, but sometimes a girl needs to shower without an audience. Even so, I keep the door open a little just in case.
The hot water eases some of the tension in my muscles, and I can almost feel them relax beneath my skin. The pipes protest and whine and the water pressure is practically non-existent, but with Cody asleep for at least another half an hour I relax into the spray, enjoying the feeling of the heat on my skin. I take my time going through my routine, the preparation that has become second nature now. I exfoliate and shave, I shampoo and condition—the whole time letting my mind wander.
Of course, the first thing on my mind today is Harry.
I'm doing my best to approach thoughts of him like an adult, but the blushing, the butterflies, the shot of attraction that rushes through me whenever he's around, it all makes me feel like I'm seventeen again. It's been so long since I've felt anything like it that it's almost foreign, like my body has to relearn how to deal with it without falling into a heap of melted skin and bone.
Things with Cody's father, Evan, were different—a different time, a different life. I was so young, and everything about our relationship had been all-consuming as teenage love usually is. My whole world revolved around him, around us. Until Cody came along. By then things with Evan and I had changed. I never thought I would love anyone the way I'd loved him.
Now, almost four years later, feelings like lust and attraction, feelings I was sure had been buried the day Evan left, are beginning to resurface, and I have no idea what to do with them.
I sigh, turning the faucet off. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. It's nothing but a passing crush. It's just freakin' hamburgers for God's sake!
Cody sleeps soundly as I blow out my hair, but wakes just as I finish getting dressed. He rubs a fist into his sleepy-eyes, his blonde hair sticking out every which way. "Can we have hamburgers now?"
I laugh, smoothing his hair down. "Soon, baby."
At exactly six o'clock, as I'm slicing up the fillings for the burgers, there's a knock on the front door. Every part of me leaps to attention, and I have to make a concerted effort to keep from running to answer it. Cody however, is at the door before I am.
"Can I open the door?"
Stopping just in front of the door, I tuck my hair behind my ears and blow out a breath to calm myself.
"Sure, go ahead."
I slide the chain lock off, and Cody reaches up to open the door. It swings open and al at once I realize I am so very unprepared for this.
The sight of Harry standing in my doorway makes my stomach do a flip. The long-sleeved navy thermal he's wearing makes his skin look vibrant, almost luminous. He's so good looking that it's almost alarming. I'm not sure where to look; from the worn jeans to the dark hair that covers his jaw line, to the bright green of his eyes, it's all too much.
I step aside to let him in, trying to stand on wobbly knees as he brushes past, bringing with him the smell of soap and clean, warm skin. Images of him and hot, soapy water flash before my eyes, and I have to hide the blush that creeps up my neck.
Calm. Down.
"Say hello to Harry, Cody."
Cody creeps out from behind me, his blue eyes wide. "Hello," he says quietly.
"Hey," replies Harry.
I usher him in, and as soon as he's inside I can see him cataloguing everything from my lumpy brown sofa to the pile of kid's toys in front of the TV. He doesn't hide his curiosity in the slightest, and watching take it all in makes me want to crawl up inside that attractive head of his just to see what he's thinking.
But then he looks at me.
He looks at me and the weight of his eyes and the intensity of his gaze make me happy that I can't read his mind. His nearness and the reaction it creates inside of me is enough, I don't know if I would live through hearing what he's thinking.
I tug my fingers through my bangs nervously, trying to swallow my sudden anxiety. "Would you like a drink? I've got water or juice."
"Water's fine," he replies, and I busy myself with finding a clean glass.
"Do you like hamburgers?" asks Cody, his head tipped to one side as he follows Harry and I to the kitchen.
Harry nods. "They're my favorite."
Cody is ecstatic. "Me too!" He bounces a little on the spot before coming around beside me. "Are they ready yet?"
"Almost," I say. "Go and wash your hands please." He takes off for the bathroom, leaving Harry and I alone.
"What about you?" I ask, gesturing to Harry's hands that are tucked into the pockets of his jeans. "Are your hands clean?"
I meant it as a joke—I'm sure Harry washes his hands—but as Harry looks down at his hands something dark flashes behind his eyes, disappearing almost as quickly as it appeared. I watch as he balls his hands into fists and releases them, his eyes clearing as he looks at me again. "Probably not clean enough."
I look down at his hands and back up at him. There's a beat of silence in which I get the distinct feeling that Harry and I are talking about different types of dirt. Memories of the argument between he and the men outside our building flash through my mind, and I wonder if that wasn't the only time Harry has been involved in something like that.
My eyes flick to the tiny cut on his lower lip and the bruise that still darkens the skin beneath his right eye.
When I meet his eyes again, there's intensity behind his stare that makes my cheeks flame and my chest tighten. It feels like he sees everything. Like every little thing I keep hidden, tucked away for safe keeping, is exposed to him. That alone is enough to set the alarm bells ringing.
I have so much to lose to someone like Harry—so much to keep safe.
"All clean!" says Cody, startling me as he appears between Harry and I.
"You better sit down," I say, gesturing to the table and tearing my eyes from Harry's. "Cody will steal your dinner if you're not careful."
Cody giggles, oblivious of the weight in the air around him, as he lifts himself up into his seat. "I'ma steal your burger, Harry!"
Harry takes a seat beside Cody, folding his long legs beneath the small table. He looks so completely out of place in my tiny kitchen, his knee jiggling nervously as if he's ready to take flight at any moment.
Meanwhile, I'm trying my hardest to remember how to breathe normally.
Dinner is quiet, but nice. Although in honesty, the food could taste like sawdust and I wouldn't realize.
My eyes flick between Harry and Cody, lingering on Harry's long fingers and the tip of his tongue as it swipes ketchup from his lower lip. Cody meanwhile has turned into a chatterbox—which is new. He's usually Chatty Kathy with me, but I hadn't expected it with Harry around. He sits in the chair across from Harry, his short legs swinging as he chatters away, his eyes taking in every last detail of our guest. As Cody and Harry talk quietly, I have to wonder if something inside of my quiet-souled little boy sees something similar in Harry.
I can barely get a word in as Cody asks a million and one questions, the shy little boy I know so well long forgotten.
"Where's your momma?"
Harry swallows, sitting straighter in his chair. "She's at her house," he replies. "Probably cooking dinner like your momma did."
"What about your daddy? Do you have a daddy?"
Harry nods, and I watch as he picks the slices of tomato out of his burger with his long fingers, laying them to the side. "He's at home with my mom."
"I have a daddy," says Cody, and I swear that my whole body tenses at mention of Cody's father. "Momma said he was bad so he had to go away, and—"
"Cody. Enough." It's a quiet warning, but one that he listens to, thankfully.
Code continues with barely a pause. "Yeah, it's just me and my momma."
Harry's eyes meet mine across the table, his look brief and apologetic. "That's cool," he says toying with the last piece of his hamburger bun. "Your mom's pretty cool."
My ears flush so hot i'm surprised they're not glowing.
"She's okay," replies Cody with a shrug, and I can't help but laugh. Harry stifles a laugh, too, hiding behind his hand as he rubs it across his mouth gently.
"Momma said you fix Lightening like in the movies," says Cody around a mouthful of burger.
My hand flies to my mouth to stop from spitting my food out as I laugh. "No, honey, I said he fixes cars like Lightening McQueen."
"Do you?" asks Cody.
Harry nods. "You like cars?"
Cody shrugs, picking at the remains of his dinner the same way Harry is. "I like dinosaurs the most. But, I like cars, too."
Harry's brows raise with interest, and I realize that he seems to be just as fascinated with Cody as Cody is with him. He watches with an almost-smile as Cody licks the last of the ketchup from his plate.
"Cody," I warn, raising an eyebrow. "Manners."
He puts his plate down. "Sorry."
"Maybe I'll take you for a ride in my car one day," suggests Harry.
"Does it go as fast as Lightening?"
Harry smirks a little, the attractive quirk of his upper lip sucking all of the air out of my lungs. "Faster."
Cody's eyes widen, and he looks back and forth between Harry and I. "Faster?" he whispers. Harry nods. "Can we go now? Can we, Momma? Please?"
"Baby—"
"Pleeeeease? Please, please, please?"
"Thanks," I mouth to Harry, who lowers his head, hiding a smile. "Another time, okay?"
He pouts. "Promise?"
"Another time, Cody." I stand, clearing the plate from in front of him. "How about you go and watch some TV, okay, buddy?"
Placated, Code slides off his seat and scampers to the TV.
I don't know what I expected Harry to do. While I figured he wasn't the eat-and-run kind, I definitely didn't expect him to roll his sleeves and help me with the dishes.
His forearms are slim but strong, covered with the kind of tattoos you could look at for hours, trying to find where one ends and another begins. They wind around each of his forearms, and while one ends at his wrist, leaving his hand clean, the back of his other hand is adorned with a large blue sparrow. Watching his hand paper and disappear into the soapy water, I wonder briefly how much of him is covered with these pictures, what parts of the skin underneath his clothes are clear of ink, and what parts are covered with his stories.
"Scarlet?"
"Hm?"
I look up to find Harry holding his hands out. He gestures to the plates in my hands.
A blush creeps up my neck at being caught looking, but if he notices he doesn't say anything. I step behind him, rolling my eyes at my stupidity behind his back. I settle against the sink beside him, the dish cloth in hand. He swoops the cloth over the dishes methodically, his hands turning pink in the hot water.
"How long have you worked for Nick?" he asks, his voice terribly quiet for someone who fills the kitchen up so completely.
"About six months. How do you know him?"
He drops his gaze. "I don't really. I only know of him."
"Oh."
We're silent for a beat, with nothing but the sound of the bubbles in the sink popping.
"Would you like a ride to work later?"
Warmth unfurls in my chest, seeping into my veins like honey. I'm not used to someone doing nice things for me all the time. "No. But thank you." I pick a plate up from the drying rack. "I'm happy to catch a cab."
Harry nods but keeps his head down, his gaze a little too intense for washing dishes. He rests another plate in the rack, his arm brushing mine.
"You don't have a car?" he asks.
"I do, but it's broken."
He lifts one brow, his head still turned to the bubble-filled water. "Broken?"
"Yeah. Broken," I reply, nudging his side gently, teasing. "It's the timing belt, I think."
"What makes you think it's the belt?"
I consider telling him that my ex and his friends spent their lives working on cars. That during my teenage years I'd spent so much time hanging around them that I've somehow gleaned the barest amount of knowledge—enough to know that it's the timing belt. But Evan and thoughts of that time in my life don't belong here tonight.
"Well, it stalls all the time, and the engine makes this loud, whining noise."
Both of his eyebrows rise this time. He looks a little impressed. "Sounds like you're right."
I can't help but laugh a little. "Yeah, well. Don't be too impressed, I googled it."
"I could fix it, you know."
"I know. But if I could afford to have it fixed I would have."
Harry pulls the plug from the sink, and the bubbles swirl and eddy until the water disappears completely with a gurgle. "I wouldn't charge you, Scarlet."
I stack Cody's plastic plate into the cupboard beside the sink. "And I wouldn't let you do it for free, Harry. It's a nice gesture, but it's too much."
I cringe inwardly at my stubborn tone.
"It wouldn't be for free," he says quietly, turning to rest against the sink next to me.
"Oh?" I lean back, resting my hands on the counter top.
A small smile tugs at the corners of Harry's mouth, lifting it just a little at one side. "I'd take some more of that lasagna as payment."
I laugh, and Harry's smile widens just a little bit more. It's then that I decide that I really want to kiss him. Something about his mouth, and the way he uses it, makes me want to press my lips against his. The thought causes a flash of desire to wash over me, it burns through my blood like fire, and makes my head spin with the intensity.
If this is what happens when I think about kissing him, I can't imagine what it would feel like to do it.
As if he feels the sudden burst of heat through me, Harry's gaze softens, lingering just a beat on my lips before he turns away again. This new feeling of desire leaves me nervous, and I can't help but wonder what it is he sees when he looks at me like that.
"Thank you for dinner," he says, crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't know the last time I had burgers so good."
I laugh. "They were just hamburgers. And it's fine. I don't know the last time we had company. It was nice."
When Harry looks at me again, his hands balled up beneath biceps. "It was nice."
I've never hated the word nice so much in my life.
The sound of my phone ringing breaks the silence between us, and as much as I would love to stay in the quiet little bubble with Harry, I have to pry myself away.
I swipe my finger across the screen to answer the call. "Hello?"
"Miss Scarlet?"
I look down at the display on my phone, frowning at the unfamiliar number before pressing it back to my ear.
"Neda?"
"I'm so sorry. So sorry," she says, sounding frantic. "I no look after Cody tonight. Amun is in hospital. Is sick."
"Oh, no. Is he going to be okay?"
I see Harry approach in my peripheral vision.
"Doctor is running tests now. Stupid Doctor here know nothing. They test and they test and then nothing!"
"Is there anything I can do?" I ask, my heart aching for her. I know she plays the grumpy housewife a lot, but she and Amun have been married for over forty years and I can't imagine how she's feeling.
She mumbles something that's a mix of Farsi and English, and I can imagine her shaking a gnarled fist at passing hospital staff. "No, Miss Scarlet, you must look after Cody. I cannot look after tonight. So sorry."
"Don't be silly," I reply. "It's fine. Call me when you know more, okay?"
"Okay. Give Cody big kiss for me."
"I will."
I hang up, staring at my phone as the consequences of the phone call begin to sink in.
"Is everything okay?"
I hadn't expected Harry to be so close, so when I turn and find him right beside me, warmth flushes my cheeks. He's so close. His brows are pulled together slightly and his lips are turned down a fraction, and I'm so close that I could probably count each of his long dark lashes.
"Yeah." I swallow hard, trying to find the voice that's stuck somewhere in my throat. "Um… not really. Mrs. Eizadi's husband is in hospital."
"The couple from downstairs?"
"Yeah. They look after Cody on the weekends while I'm at work."
Understanding seeps into Harry's expression. He tucks his hands into the front pocket of his jean. "Oh."
Without Neda or Amun there's no one to look after Cody while I'm at work. It's a precarious situation only having the one babysitter, but they're all I have. Especially at eight thirty on a Sunday night.
"Is there anyone else you can call? Harry asks. "Family?"
My answering smile is weak at best. "No. It's just us." I try a little harder to smile. "It's fine. I'll just call work. Nick will understand."
The thought of having to call Nick makes my stomach churn with anxiety. He will most definitely not understand. But what else is there to do? It's not like I can take Cody into work with me.
"I can stay and look after him."
"Oh, no, Harry, I couldn't—"
"I don't mind."
I glance over at Cody. He's on his stomach with a pile of Matchbox cars, his attention split between them and the movie. "I don't know, Harry."
He's close again, right beside me. "It's up to you," he says quietly. "But I'm happy to put him to bed here and wait with him until you get home."
I worry the inside of my cheek with my teeth. I really can't afford to lose a night's wage. It is only a few hours, and Harry is right; Cody will be asleep within the next few hours.
But can I trust him?
I feel his warm fingers press against the back of my hand. It's just the slightest pressure, a feather-light brush against my skin, but I feel it all the way to my toes.
"You can trust me, Scarlet."