"people can be so quiet about their pain that you forget they're even hurting."
*
Travelers hustled through King's Cross Station, completely oblivious to anyone other than themselves. They were so busy, in fact, that they didn't notice a young man silently make his way through the crowd. Dressed in a white button-down, black pants, and a red scarf, all fitting his slim form perfectly, the boy approached Platforms 9 and 10 with a slight smirk on his face. He rested against the corner of the column before casually leaning right through it.
The solitude didn't bother Sirius Black the slightest bit. He loved it. He smiled fully for the first time in a month as he emerged onto Platform 9 3/4. Smoke curled from the train and magic seemed to buzz in the air. This place was different. Different from Grimmauld Place, where he could never be himself. Different from the cold glares of his parents, from the concerned glance of his younger brother.
Sirius scanned the platform for a few particular faces, but finding none of them, he lifted his luggage and headed onto the train.
"Padfoot!" James called from their usual compartment. Lounging lazily, Potter took up the majority of a seat but moved his long legs over when Sirius entered. "Long time, no see."
"Tell me about it. Where's Remus and Peter?" He set his bag down.
"You know the drill. It's the same every year. Peter always barely makes it, and Remus was talking to Eva at the other end of the station. They'll be here soon, I bet."
"Eva? How's she? I haven't seen Blondie in months."
James shrugged. "She went on some trip, I think. Maybe. Spent some time with family, saw a few Muggle bands in concert. I got a load of owls from her, but I didn't see her at all. She writes even more than Pettigrew, it got a little annoying at some times. It was nice to talk to her, though."
"Hm," was all Sirius said in reply. Truth be told, he missed the girl more than he cared to admit over the summer holidays. He could have used her positivity but was convinced that his parents checked his correspondence and couldn't imagine the beating he'd get if they caught him writing to a Muggle-born. He could practically hear the words they'd call him in scathing tones.
Disgrace. Blood traitor. Unworthy member of the most noble House of Black.
It terrified him. For the first month of summer, she sent letter after letter. He read every single one but didn't respond to any of them. His gray eyes flicked down to his wrist as he checked the time.
"They'd better get moving. The train always leaves on time."
A smaller boy with short brown hair poked his head through the door.
"Hello," Peter greeted, taking a seat across from James. His voice wavered slightly, as if he was unsure that the boys would let him in, even though they were best friends.
"Hey, Wormtail. How was your summer?"
"It was okay. Boring. We didn't do a whole lot." His fingers twitched at his sides. "Anything new with you guys?"
"Nothing," Sirius lied. "It's our sixth year. We've got to get some good pranks in this year. Only got two left, after all. You get Quidditch Captain, Prongs?"
James shook his head. "Nah, it went to McKinnon. You know, Marlene's older brother? He graduates next year, though, I'll have my shot. McGonagall knows I'm the best player on the team anyway. You really should try out this year, mate. We need a new beater."
"I'll leave the Quidditch to you and Eva. I'd rather watch." The train began to pull out of the station. Both Peter and James crowded the window, waving to their families, but Sirius hung back. It's wasn't like he had anyone to wave to, anyway.
"So, what else is new, Pads?" James asked once everyone settled back down.
Sirius pondered this, wondering how much he actually wanted to share. Many things had occurred that summer, many things he didn't want to tell anyone. He chose a safe option. "I gave up smoking. You're welcome."
"There you go!" His friends held up hands for high fives, but Sirius rolled his eyes and declined them all.
"Not a big deal, but I'm glad you blokes are happy."
"Those things were gonna kill your lungs," James insisted. "It's about time you ditched them."
"No, they weren't."
"Yes, they were."
"No, they weren't!"
"Yes, they were!"
"Hi, guys!" A cheerful voice said. The three boys whipped their heads toward the compartment door, where Eva Taylor stood with the biggest smile on her face. "Mind if I join you? Remus'll be in in a minute, he was just changing into his robes. I haven't seen Lily or Marlene, either."
"Have a seat," James said, gesturing. Her dark green eyes lingered on Sirius and she chose to sit down next to Peter, who blushed a bit.
The boys introduced themselves to her in their first year because she was friends with Lily Evans. It was Remus' genius idea. His eleven-year-old brain thought she would be a valuable ally in helping James get a date with Lily, but Eva grew on him as well as the others. While she wasn't a Marauder, she was still one of their best friends.
"I haven't seen you all in so long! You idiots don't know how to write, I swear. How are you guys?"
A chorus of "good"s swept around the compartment, at least from James and Peter. Sirius couldn't formulate a word in his mind. He hadn't seen her since June, and he couldn't pinpoint what was different about her.
Maybe it was her long blonde hair, braided back loosely with a few flowers stuck in. Or maybe the freckles dotting her small nose from hours spent in the sun, or the fingernails she always painted different colors, or the packing checklist she'd written on the back of her left hand.
No, he thought to himself. She always looks like that. She always looks that pretty.
"Padfoot. Earth to Sirius." James snapped his fingers right in front of Sirius' nose, effectively snapping him out of the trance. "You in there, mate?"
"Yes, um, yeah. Sorry. What are we talking about?"
"Do you want anything to eat?" Peter asked him, tilting his head in the direction of the trolley lady as he paid her for a few Pumpkin Pasties.
"No, I ate already. Thanks, though. Actually, wait, I'll have ten Chocolate Frogs. Thanks." He handed over the coins and stashed the candy in his bag. Inevitably, Remus would sink into his annual back-to-school stress and depression, and it was good to be prepared.
The trolley lady pushed the cart away and Remus slipped into the compartment, wearing his robes and Prefect badge.
"Hello," he said through a yawn, smiling at the sight of his friends. He sat next to Eva and handed her a book. "This is the one I told you about in my last letter."
"Really?" She asked excitedly. "It sounded so good!"
"What're you reading?" Peter asked, leaning in. Sirius knew that he didn't care for books at all, but he wanted to be included in the conversation.
"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander," she read aloud, excitement in her voice. "He's really accomplished. Thank you so much!" She hugged Remus. His tired eyes found Sirius and gave him an apologetic look. He only shrugged in reply.
The conversation continued on with the hours, and Sirius came to a very uncomfortable realization: she was talking to everyone except him. And instead of going about this problem in a smart way, he just asked bluntly. As far as virtues went, Sirius lacked patience.
"Why are you ignoring me?"
"James, you watch any good Quidditch this summer?" Sirius's short temper rose as she chatted with James about the Chudley Cannons and completely brushed him aside. James quickly glanced at Sirius before answering.
"My dad and I saw a few good games. Next summer I'll take you to the World Cup if you like. My dad's already talking about tickets."
"That sounds amazing! I missed everything magic-related this summer so much. You guys have no idea." Her light laugh set him over the edge.
"All right, Blondie, that's enough. Come on, why won't you talk to me?"
Her green eyes fixed him with a stern glare. "What, is it not fun being ignored, Black?"
"Eva-"
"I think I'm going to find Lily and Marlene. By the way, James, she still has zero interest in going out with you. Remus, James, Peter, I'll see you all at the feast. Bye." She gathered up her books, taking extra care with the one Remus lent her, and left, shooting a final glare at Sirius.
Sirius just sat there for a minute, glowering. She didn't understand. She couldn't understand. This wasn't his fault.
"Oi, Padfoot, what did you do this time?" James asked. Out of the Marauders, Sirius had the closest but most complicated relationship with Eva. Both were incredibly headstrong in their ideals and stubborn to a fault, never admitting when they were wrong. "I thought you were a, and I quote, 'ladies man.'"
"Shut up, we're just friends. She's being dramatic. And I didn't do anything, I swear!"
"Then what didn't you do?" Peter lowered his snack and watched his friend, who groaned.
"I didn't mail her at all this summer. She sent me a ton of letters. Didn't write anything back. I ignored them."
"No wonder she's mad," Remus said idly, already diving back into his book. "That was rather stupid of you."
Under his glasses, James squinted in confusion. "Moony's right. That's stupid, even for you. We all know you've been in love with her since fourth year."
"I have not!"
"Yeah, okay. And Dumbledore's a Muggle, and Moony's not a werewolf," he retorted sarcastically.
Remus glanced at the closed door. "Keep your voice down about that, will you? The last thing we need is for everyone to know!"
"The door's shut. No one can hear us. Loosen up. Now, Sirius, why did you ignore her letters? I might not be a 'ladies man' like you, but if Evans wrote to me constantly, I wouldn't shove her letters in the fire."
Disgrace. Blood traitor. Unworthy member of the most noble House of Black.
"I don't know. I just did it."
"Are you serious?" Peter asked. Sirius cracked a grin as he prepared the usual joke.
"That's the name. Don't wear it out."
James burst out laughing. "Never gets old."
"Neither will we, pal," Sirius said, slapping his friend's back. "We'll stay young forever, if we're lucky."
"Back to your problem, though," Remus said, trying to keep the group from getting sidetracked. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Problem?" Sirius asked indignantly. "I do not have a problem!"
"No? You're perfectly fine?"
"Yes. I'm bloody brilliant, Remus."
"I thought you quit smoking."
Sirius glanced down at his hand, where a pack of cigarettes lay. He didn't remember pulling them out of his bag. He didn't even remember putting them in his bag in the first place. So much for being clean. He had quit the habit earlier in the summer but his old ways returned with August, one of the worst months of his life.
"Someone take these away from me, please," he muttered, tossing the pack to Peter, who dropped it out the window. "I hate them, I really do."
He meant more than just the cigarettes.
"Okay, mate, what's actually wrong?" James asked. He leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at his best friend in concern. There weren't many people that James Potter actually showed concern for, but he loved Sirius like a brother. "I thought you only smoked when you were freaked out."
"I do."
"Then what's going on? You can tell us," Remus said softly. He set the book down with care. "What happened?"
Too many thoughts flashed through Sirius' mind. Everything happened. This is just another problem and problems keep piling up. I am freaked out. I'm not okay at all. But they couldn't know that. He couldn't tell them. He subconsciously rearranged his Gryffindor scarf. Remus frowned when he did this, confused as to why he was wearing a wool scarf on a warm day in September.
"Nothing's the matter. I'm perfectly fine. You idiots worry too much."
"Sirius-"
"Come on, mate-"
"I'm going to change." He grabbed his bag from the floor and slammed the compartment door on the way out.