It's half past ten in the morning, and I am standing outside a small cafe near my apartment, willing myself to go in. You can do this, Lauren.
It only takes a moment to spot him in the cafe, his tall, broad frame gives away his location easily. He's sitting casually at a small round table, but his facial expression is tense. His dark hair looks a little mussed, like he's been running his hand through it. His right hand hovers over the cell phone that sits on the table—like he's trying to anticipate its future notifications. His face is clean shaven, and he looks more put together than he did the other day in the hospital. Dark, fitted jeans hug his long legs and a charcoal henley hugs his sculpted chest and biceps. The long sleeves are pushed up to his elbows, showing off his tan and thick forearms. His full lips are set in a pensive line on his face, still managing to look plush and delicious above his strong jaw. My shameless perusal of his body sends tingles down to my core. For just a moment, I allow myself to picture how amazing his firm, heavy form would feel wrapped around me.
Focus.
After just a few steps in his direction, he finally looks up. His eyes meet mine instantly, and his expression softens with relief. A small grin appears on his face, making him look boyish and endearing. He stands up, prepared to greet me as I approach his table.
"Hey, Lauren. I was worried you weren't going to show," a breathtaking smile graces his face as his eyes bore into mine.
My lips pull into a small, unsure smile. "To be honest I wasn't sure, either."
He nods slowly in understanding, forcing his own smile. "Well, what would you like to drink?"
"I'll take a flat white."
"Okay, I'll be right back."
I nod and situate myself at the table. God, this is already so awkward and oddly formal. My fingers twirl a strand of wavy brown hair—an anxious habit.
He returns a few moments later with two steaming mugs. He places them on the table and sits across from me. I feel my body buzzing with his proximity—I know I am on edge.
Silence.
The caregiver in me is dying to break the silence, to ease him of his heavy burden that displays so harshly across his face—but I can't. I can't bear the thought of this beautiful and endearing man being a cheater. I just... don't believe it. I'd like to think I am a good judge of character, and I was so enamored by him. I feel foolish, angry, ashamed.
I finally force myself to look up at him, only to find him staring at me. He appears to be deep in thought. Although to be fair, I have been, too.
He inhales sharply, "Lauren, I meant to tell you. I really did." His deep voice is laden with an eagerness I have not yet heard from him.
Anger manifests from within, originating deep in my chest and rapidly emanating from my pores. The feeling continues to rise and before I know it, it's seeking the only route of escape—my smart mouth.
"Oh really? Well that makes it all better. Thanks. I meant to read your mind, too. Guess I was just too distracted to do so when you had your tongue down my throat." My voice was not loud—I'm not one to make a scene—but it was snarky, strong, and sure. However, my insides are anything but. I'm willing myself to not visibly shake before him.
His eyebrows scrunch on his face, taking in my harsh words. He leans forward, placing both arms on the table. The position makes him appear even larger than he is, hovering over the small surface area.
He closes his eyes for a moment before calmly responding, "I deserve that. I shouldn't have kept her from you. It wasn't fair to you or her. I didn't mean to hurt you, though. I was only protecting myself."
I'm sure steam is visibly spewing from my ears. Protecting himself? Is he for real? I don't feel like I can be held responsible for whatever comes out of my mouth next. I can't believe this is the same guy I felt so strongly about not so long ago.
"Yeah, I'm sure your poor wife is still oblivious, right? Another means of protecting yourself?" I lift my hot mug, taking a slow drink despite the burning embers crackling within me.
Looking up from my cup with a raised brow—I feel ready and poised for his response. Finally, I'm forcing him to address the real elephant in the room. My eyes find his, and I am met with a look of pure shock. His eyebrows are raised, his jaw slack. The sounds of other patrons fill the silence that has settled upon us. I take a deep breath, willing the alluring aroma of coffee to calm me.
Finally, he replies, "Oh my God. You think I'm married?" His voice is incredulous. He lets out a chuckle that lacks mirth, "Shit, Lauren. No wonder you look like you want to maul me. I'm not married. Ashley and I were never married. We dated for a few months three years ago but we broke it off. A few weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. We decided to raise the baby together, as friends." His hand lands on top of mine, and his thumb traces soft circles, giving me goosebumps.
"S-so, you didn't cheat on someone with me?" I can't help but tremble, a bit. Damn my voice for giving my vulnerability away.
"Laur, I could never. I'm not that kind of guy. I wouldn't be a man if I did that, do you hear me?"
"So a man just completely ghosts a woman he's been seeing? That's the manly course of action you decided upon for breaking up with me?" I feel myself instinctively hardening my emotions, bearing the protective 'nurse shield' I wear so often.
Logan leans back, letting out a small sigh. His hand finds his hair, brushing it back. Must be his nervous habit, too.
"I know, it was messed up. I just... I just couldn't tell you about Mia. I was... afraid. In the past, I've always been really forthcoming about the fact that I am a father. It's important to me. Mia is an important part of my life. But with you I... I don't know." He pauses and leans towards me once more. "The first date with you, Laur, it was just so different. I've never connected with someone like that so quickly. I liked you immediately. More than I had liked anyone in a long time. I was afraid that if I told you on the first date that I had a toddler you would freak out and break it off. I thought to myself, 'I'll tell her next time.' And I just could never get myself to do it."
My heart races with this newfound knowledge. His voice is so deep and steady and it wraps itself around me, bringing me comfort. His eyes penetrate me, stripping me of my protective layers. He's not lying. I clear my weary throat.
"Logan. I'm a pediatric nurse for crying out loud. Did you think I didn't like kids?"
He grins at me. "I know, Lauren. I know you like kids. At least, I figured you did."
It's really not fair for someone to be so breathtaking. I muster the courage to ask, "So what happened?"
He sighs, "You've got it all figured out. You're smart, beautiful, funny. Have a great career. Why would you want a guy who already has a kid when you could have anyone?"
My heart melts, a little. He thought I would dismiss him because he already had a child. I briefly wonder if something similar has happened to him in the past.
"Logan, don't," I squeeze his hand with mine. "I suppose I understand why you were hesitant to tell me about Mia... but why ghost me? I thought... I thought we were connecting."
He looks down, releasing a breath of air. "We were. We are." He looks up at me with soft eyes, a bit of moisture starting to collect in them. Not enough to produce tears, but enough for an observant nurse to notice the glossiness. He clears his throat, "Mia just... started to not feel so well. Ashley noticed some bruising and everyday she'd call me to tell me that Mia wouldn't eat or that she'd complain of being tired. She just wasn't being herself. I started going over to her place more often to be with her. Eventually, we knew we had to take her to the doctor. Something just wasn't right. Something isn't right, as you know..." His voice catches, and my heart aches for him.
He closes his eyes, trying to regain his composure. I squeeze his hand. Providing comfort is much, much harder when it's someone you truly know. I can feel my eyes start to well up with tears. I will them away. Pull it together, Lauren. Not now.
"So I know it's not a good reason, Lauren. I still should have reached out, something. But I became so preoccupied with Mia and her health that by the time I had a chance to regroup, I didn't know what the hell to say to you. 'Oh sorry I disappeared, but my daughter that I didn't tell you about is not well?' Yeah, I couldn't do that. I figured I lost my chance and I just needed to focus on Mia." He meets my gaze before continuing, "It's not because I didn't want to see you. Please, believe me."
A silence engulfs us once again, letting the gravity of the situation settle upon us. He's right. The timing isn't right—he needs to focus on Mia. I let out a long breath, trying to ignore the ache in my chest.
"How's Mia?" The words spill out seemingly without my consent, and the second they are out of my mouth, I hate myself. I mean, I genuinely want to know how she is... but I don't want to force him to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about.
I wrap my hand around my warm mug and force myself to look up at him.
To my surprise, he smiles. "She's tough. She's going to give the doctors and nurses a run for their money, I'm betting."
I can't contain my grin. I absolutely adore that his focus is on her ferocity and strength. They're all going to need it.
I chuckle, "I bet you're right."
"Thanks for meeting with me, Lauren."
"I'm glad I did. I would have gone on thinking you were an adulterer or something." I pause and close my eyes, finding the strength to say what I need to say next. "But you know that we need to stay friends now, right? Mia deserves all of your attention, and with me working at the hospital... it could get complicated otherwise."
His face sets, lips in a thin line. Finally, he nods. "I know."
Our mostly empty mugs reflect our feelings as we let the truth envelop us. A couple minutes pass—an oddly comfortable silence.
"Can I walk you home?"
I smile. "Sure."
A/N:
So what do we think? Do we forgive him? Is Lauren making the right call by agreeing to a friendship?
Thanks for reading!
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—Elise