"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." - Frederick Douglass
I've been in the hospital for almost a week.
Apparently I was in a car accident involving my car and an SUV, the other vehicle drove into the side of the car I was on, directly into my driver's side door; I can't be sure though since I don't remember a moment of it. Don't worry, I remember almost everything before that. Just not anything that happened in the accident and after and supposedly a little before.
For instance I have no idea where I was actually going. My father claims I was headed for Caleb's house? But what reason would I have for being out at that time of night- or day- in that kind of weather? It doesn't make sense to me and I'm thinking my dad had it wrong.
Anyway, Caleb's been to visit me twice this week. The first time I was unconcious though, so I guess it doesn't count? The second time was last night, he brought me flowers and showered me with compliments- I'm guessing since I pretty much look trashed. I mean, I haven't gotten out of bed to look in the mirror, but I can feel weird stuff on my face when I touch it so I'm guessing there's some scarring action going on. At this point I don't really care, I know I'm not the best looking thing.
The thought of that causes my head to hurt. It reminds me of something, but I don't rememebr what it is. It kills me not to make the connection, but I just let it go. The doctor said that's just one of the perks of mild amnesia, but I'm lucky nothing worse happened to me. I don't know the details, but obviously I was pretty lucky.
Though not the same could be said for my face I suppose. I'm almost afraid to see it though.
Now I'm chowing on some marvelous hospital food, flavorless beans and dry chicken- yum, my favorite. Caleb and Carl will be over sometime later in the afternoon and my Dad just left, he's been here most of the time so I told him to go home and get himself some rest. Plus he has to keep up the diner. He seems really upset though and I'm usually the one comforting him.
I'm really dying to see Carl.
I'm hoping maybe he can help me clear up what happened that night. Plus, there's nothing like a best friend to make you laugh when you feel like crap. I feel like I haven't smiled on five days and that's not good. Sure I smile a little when Caleb is here, but he's so damn broken up it brings me down right with him. Of course I love him being there, he holds my hand and stays by me all the time and speckles my cheeks with kisses. He tells me I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and that he's sorry this happened to me.
Of course I melt inside when he says all that stuff, but I just need Carl. He's always been the one who picked me up when I was down and really need him to be here now. Sadly he hasn't been able to come til today, because his car has been giving him trouble so it was in the shop. Caleb couldn't come, because he was out of town visiting friends in the city.
Which means if my dad was right, he wasn't even home, and I was headed for his house for no reason. Unless he left after. I'm not even sure anymore, everything is just so jumbled.
As my five star dinner comes to an end, thankfully, Carl and Caleb walk through the door. I'm in the bed closer to the door, my roommate is on the otherside of the drawn curtain dividing the room. He's an older man who fell in his bathtub, thankfully it wasn't fatal. He's a quiet man though who likes his privacy, so we keep the curtain respectively drawn at all times. I don't mind, but honestly it can get a little lonely.
"Boo-bear!" Carl shouts as he prances over to the bed and plops down next to me, pulling me into the biggest hug I've ever received. I squeal in a pain, but try to disguise it as joy. He doesn't buy it though and instantly lets me go which then allows me to fall back into my pillow.
My breathing comes out heavy from the sudden onslaught of pain that sort of just engulfed me from my head to my toes, it was like a haze of pain that came and went leaving me breathless. I close my eyes and try to force a smile to let him know I'm not mad at him, he didn't know and I know for a fact he was just thrilled to see me. In between breaths I pant out,
"I.. knew... you couldn't... live without.... me," and with a smirk I cough out a couple laughs.
"Oh God, Elena I'm so, so, so sorry! I really didn't mean-" He gushes, waving his hands frantically and hovering over me like a mother hen, but not knowing how to help me. I cut him off by raising my hand and my eyebrow is quirked.
"What did you call me?" I question in disbelief. Caleb snorts in the background, he's enjoying the show apparently, though I could tell he was a bit more then worried a few seconds ago when I was on the brink of passing out.
"What... what did I call you? Elena?" Carl says in a dumbfounded tone, quizzically eyeing me.
"No boo, or bear, or muffin?" I insist, it's just too bizarre. My name sounds naked coming from him without an added tagline or nickname.
It dawns on him and his jaw drops slowly to the floor with his eyes widening to the size of headlights. Caleb busts into chuckles from his chair and I can tell he's highly amused as he gives me a look that I mirror; it's fun teasing Carl for a change, we both enjoy it.
"You're right!" Carl exclaims, throwing his arms in the air and snagging a finger on my heart monitor attached to my index finger. It flies off and clinks to the floor, thankfully this doesn't hurt me. It seems to hurt Carl though. In a frenzy he hops off the bed, gathers the monitor, places it back on my finger, all the while he's apoligizing in gusts of remorseful groans and mutters.
Next thing I know he's pulled up a chair by my bed, but it's a good three feet away from me.
"A safety precaution," he explains before I can even ask. This makes me shake my head and laugh, but in reaity I hate the distance. They're both so far away, it makes me feel like a museum exhibit or something, as if there's an invisible window of glass between me and them.
"That's not neccessary, Carl, really, I'm fine," I explain, though it's coming out a plead since I really don't like this whole setup. I look to Caleb and try to ask him, without actually asking, to come closer. Yesterday he was all up in my space and intimate and stuff, but that's what Iike.
That's what I need.
"You okay, Babe?" Caleb questions when he sees my wary glance and I just shake my head to say nevermind, but they both read it wrong thinking I'm shaking my head to say "no".
"What's wrong?" They both ask at the same damn time and I feel like bonking their heads together.
Boys.
"Nothing," I say in a high-pitched voice and throw my arms painfully high in the air. This I instantly regret, but I let it pass and the pain fades rather quickly.
They both exchange a confused gaze and before I know otherwise, Caleb is getting up and heading for the door. I look between them quickly, absolutely puzzled. Did I miss something?
"Where you going, babe?" I ask loudly, worry dripping into my tone unintentionally. He turns around with a smile and stops in the doorway, leaning against the frame casually.
"Just thought you and Carl would want some time alone, I was just gonna grab us some drinks from the cafeteria or something... or you know, just wander the halls aimlessly for a while," he winks and kisses the air at me then exits- escaping before I can object.
Well, he's not wrong.
"Elly-Nana, we need to talk," Carl says in a dead serious tone, but I just crack up.
"Elly-Nana? What the hell is that?" I can't help it, that's a new one! He doesn't appear at all amused and waves me off, totally dismissing the subject as if he didn't just mouth-puke a stupid nickname for me. I'm still giggling to myself as he goes on.
"Listen, you and Caleb, you can't go on like this," he goes right into it and this sobers me up.
See, that I remember. My lies, the dishonesty, how I thought Caleb would cheat on me. All of it, I just can't remember why the hell I was on my way to his house that night in the storm.
He doesn't wait for me to reply, "I'm not really sure what's going on with you two, but he seems to have some wrong ideas about you and I think he should know. If you were my girlfriend, I'd want you to tell me the truth about who you were, whether it was good or bad."
My eyes fall to the floor.
"Carl, I'm just so tangled up, I don't know how to get out of it," I reply, voice just above a whisper.
He scoots his chair closer, the rubber stubs on the end of each legs grinds against the tile floor loudly as he does so. My bed neighbor stirs a little which makes us both freeze, but quickly Carl pulls the chair the rest of the way while he half stands. Once he's seated again he leans in to me and his voice drops.
"You know how you get out of a lie? The truth. Tell the truth."
His words me perfect sense, of course they do, it's so obvious and simple. He just doesn't understand though, he can't understand. Hell, I don't even fully understand. It's just like, the thought of losing Caleb just kills me. I grind the palms of my hands into my eyes and fall back into my bed.
Carl sits silently now and watches me, I can feel his eyes on me.
"I know it hurts, Boo," he whispers, placing a loving, brotherly hand on my leg. I drop my arms and open my eyes to look at him with misty eyes. He continues, "but think of how much more it would hurt to lose him?"
That does it. Just imagining that is unbearable. I break and it's waterfalls. I fall into Carl's arms, he holds me up and just holds me. These tears have been a long time coming. The shame of lying about myself, the pain of possibly losing him, and the realization the relationship I have with the guy I love is all based on lies- and it's all my fault.
He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm perfect. He thinks I'm everything I'm not and it's all because of my lies and deception. It's all because of me.
Carl strokes my hair and rocks me back and forth gently as the tears pour out into his shoulder. I swear he's my conscience in human form. He always knows just what to say to break me down or build me up. I'll never have another friend like him.
I'll never have anyone like him again.