✾ Crocus ✾
Sometimes, I hear the sound of his heart monitor in my dreams. But in my nightmares, the sound is long and sharp like a knife. It digs into the deepest parts of me--the places I'd only ever let Beau go--and carves them up.
Other times, it's just Beau sitting in a dark room. When he sees me, he stands up and calmly approaches me. I'm afraid of him. I still love him, but I'm afraid. He fluidly pushes that same knife into my chest, smooth like silk. It sinks into my skin, and I watch.
"I need it to wake up," he explains as he carves my heart out, smiling sweetly.
And I always agree. I let him take it. When he disappears into the light, I'm left in the dark room. Alone.
My father was in some of them, too. Not like he used to be. Now, it wasn't me he was hurting. It was Beau. The black car. Adrian Beech's angry green eyes as he turned the wheel toward Beau. My father's smug expression. It was the pool of helplessness I fell into each night that truly scared me. It was the same way I'd felt when Beau was in a coma. And now...
I'd wake up drenched in sweat. The sheets, too. I could barely ever breathe. There was always a moment I thought it had all been a lie. From the start. Beau had never really been on that roof. He'd never followed me to Florida. He'd never told me he loved me. He'd never unlocked my cage.
"Hana, you're daydreaming again."
I blinked awake. "Oh. Sorry."
She looked concerned. "You do that a lot lately," she said.
"I'm fine, Oka-san," I said, drinking from my elegant glass. The restaurant hummed quietly around us. People in these sorts of places only ever whisper.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more," she said.
"Mom, you did plenty," I said, a little surprised at our sudden shift in tone and topic. "If you ask me, more than enough."
"I did too much?" she asked.
"What are we talking about?" Beau asked, sliding back down beside me.
"That was fast," I observed.
He shrugged. "So, what lovely lunchtime conversation are we having?"
Mom smiled. "Hana says I did too much. I'm worried I didn't do enough."
Beau's eyes practically bugged out of his head. "Not enough?" He looked at me, astounded. "Is she kidding me?"
I nodded. "I know."
"Ai, you paid for my hospital bills. All of them."
"Oh, but baby money is no object for me. You know that," she said.
"And everything you've done to move my case along, lawyers and..." He shook his head. "And that's not to mention the rent you've been paying for how long?" Beau continued.
"Like I said, money is no-"
"And you called me your son."
I stared at Beau. He looked like he was trying awfully hard to keep his composure.
"What?" Mom asked, a little breathless.
"You called me your son-in-law. I know you said it lightly, but it was important to me. Like...I get to have a mom again," Beau said. He stared at the ground.
Mom looked at me, her eyes wide. I was just as shocked. I really hadn't thought about it like that, but, of course, Beau would feel that way.
"Oh, sweet boy," she said quietly. She stood up suddenly, her chair screeching on the floor. Some of the people around us glanced awkwardly at us; it was quite a treat to watch my mother be the one to induce the vomit-on-guccis face, for once. "Give me a hug," she said.
Beau stood quite a bit more quietly than my mother had, but he shuffled calmly into her open arms nonetheless. I sat and watched them as if I were an old man on his porch, calmly looking back on his life with contentment.
"I'm so glad we've still got you," she said quietly. "Kazoku."
I smiled to myself.
"What?" Beau asked.
"It means family," I explained.
She held his face. "Which is what you are to us."'
Beau looked properly defeated. "Thank you, Ai."
"And," she continued, ignoring his gratitude as though it were completely unnecessary and her kindness was run-of-the-mill, "speaking of family." They sat back down together. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you two."
"Is that why you asked to have lunch?" Beau asked.
"Can't a lady just want to have lunch with her boys?" she asked.
"Yes, of course," I said, "but be honest."
She sighed. "Ok, you got me. I have made a decision about my future that you two ought to hear."
Anxiety invaded my mind. It seemed the same for Beau. "What is it?" he asked, leaning forward immediately.
"I told my lawyer to push up the divorce proceedings massively," she said. "By the time Beech is rightfully in jail, I will be a tragic divorcee."
"Isn't that a good thing?" Beau asked.
"Why don't you seem relieved?" I asked.
Mom smiled sadly. "Because after all I've been through, divorcing him without fighting it out will diminish the amount of money I can take from him. I have to settle."
"Then wait," I said immediately. "You've got to take as much as you can from him."
"Maybe she doesn't want to drag it out, Ren," Beau said quietly.
"That's part of it," Mom explained. "I really don't want to stay married to him for a minute longer, but I would have waited if it felt like a real option. I have quite an amazing lawyer, and I'm sure she could help me drain him of everything he has."
"Then why won't you wait?"
Mom leaned back in her chair. She took a slow sip of her water. "Because I'm going to turn him over to the authorities."
My heart leapt into my throat. "You're what?"
"I know," she said. "I can't believe it myself."
"Why now?" Beau asked. He was taking this entire thing incredibly calmly.
"How is that possible? Do you have something on him?"
She smiled coyly. "I have quite a bit, actually. I've been collecting evidence of his habits since the first time he hurt me."
"How did you get it?"
"He never thought much of me," she said. Her gaze grew briefly distant. "When a man doesn't bother looking at you, he cannot see you even if you're right under his nose. And Tatsuo never did think women could understand business."
"Why now?" Beau asked again.
She looked at him. "I'm going to be honest with you, Beau." He nodded. "A part of me suspects he's responsible for your hospitalization."
Beau looked hollowed out. I felt sick. "You believe me?" I asked.
She shook her head. "I always knew he was a bastard, but I never thought he'd go so far as to take another person's life. He kept me alive all these years, after all."
"You didn't see him at the hospital, Oka-san," I said. "The way he acted..."
"I didn't want to believe you," she said, "because if I found out Tatsuo was responsible for murdering the love of your life, and I had been sitting on the power to lock him up the whole time..." She shook her head. "I would have felt so guilty. I wanted to feel helpless because then it wouldn't be my fault."
"Ai," Beau said softly.
"But because I wanted to protect myself, I made you feel like you were crazy," she continued. "And I'm sorry for that, Ren. It's a mother's duty to protect her child, and I failed."
I reached out and took her small hand in mine. "Oka-san, I'm ok. We're all ok. Don't look so sad."
"I refuse to cry," she said stubbornly. "That man has squeezed enough tears out of me. I won't give him one more."
"So you're moving up your divorce proceedings so that you can get as much money as you can before you turn him over?" Beau asked.
She nodded. "His accounts will be frozen, so I want to take my share--even if it's smaller than I'd like--before I can't anymore. And I don't want him to be free any longer. I don't remember any of Tatsuo's devout followers being called Adrian Beech, the bastard, but I won't risk it. He'll get what's coming to him, and I'll make sure of it."
Beau looked small. "Thanks," he said quietly. "Thank you."
"I can't make Beech go away forever," she said. "Attempted vehicular homicide, if you can believe it, is not the worst crime out there--even with the video. But I can damn well prevent it from ever happening again."
She was unstoppable, on a crusade to eradicate the suffering from our lives. And I loved her for it. "I'm proud of you, Oka-san. You're a good mom."
She smiled such that nearly invisible wrinkles showed at the corners of her eyes. I hadn't ever noticed them before. "That's all I wanted." She promptly whisked away the mushy emotional moment. "But I have other news--good news--that might make me an even better mom."
I stiffened. "You want to tell him right now? We haven't even had desert."
Beau looked between us, confused. "Tell me what?"
"Why not right now?" she asked. "Let me have this."
I looked at Beau. He was staring at me, one eyebrow raised dramatically. "What?" he asked.
I couldn't stop myself from taking his hand and weaving our fingers together. "Ok," I said, nodding and looking at my mom. "Go ahead."
She smiled and leaned forward. "We're sending you two on a trip together."
Beau looked stunned. "What? When? To where?" He looked at me. "Wait, why?"
"Calm down," I said.
Beau was squeezing my hand so hard I was worried he'd shatter my bones. "Where are we going?"
"California," Mom said.
Beau's eyes snapped to me. "That's-"
"I thought you might want to see the sequoias," I said.
Beau covered his mouth with a shaky hand. "I've never seen a real giant sequoia before. Are you serious?"
"Of course. Hana said we should send you before you go back to school, so your flight is booked for a couple days from now."
"I knew you wouldn't want to miss any more classes than you already have," I explained.
"You'll be staying in a lovely cabin. Well, I say cabin, but it's quite comfortable, I promise."
Beau shook his head. "It's too much."
Mom looked defeated. "I thought you'd be happier."
"I am happy," Beau said immediately. He closed his eyes. "Ridiculously, unbelievably happy."
"You don't want to go?" I asked him, touching his face. "We don't have to, if you're still too tired or--"
"I want to go." He looked at me like I was the moon and stars.
"You're worried about the money?" Mom asked.
Beau looked meek. "I've never...had much. My mom was a baker and my dad was a teacher."
"Beau," Mom said. "Let me explain something to you, ok?" He nodded. "The money that's paid for all of this belongs to the man who very well might have been the one to put you in the hospital."
Beau's eyes widened slightly. "Yeah."
"And, my dear son-in-law," she continued, "when an old lady wants to do something for you, you've just got to let her do it."
Beau smiled. He smiled openly and honestly. "You're the youngest old lady I've ever met."
Mom grinned. "Is that a yes? You'll go?"
Beau nodded and made a sound closer to a sob than a laugh. "I'll go."