I try to make it through my life, in my way, there's you
I try to make it through these lies, and that's all I do
Just don't deny it
Don't try to fight this, and deal with it
And that's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear (I swear) I don't care
I Don't Care by Apocalyptica
Chapter 25
Natsu landed on their field, feeling the wetness of the morning dew on his talons. He flexed his injured wing, wincing slightly at the remaining tenderness. He'd refused to let Atlas heal it completely, not wanting to lose the stitches that Gray had put in. His uncle had yelled at him for it, insisting one of these days his misplaced sense of romance was going to get him killed, but Natsu didn't care. Every time he looked at those stitches, they filled him with hope. They felt like a hard-earned victory.
It didn't matter to him that Gray didn't know it was him he was stitching up. Natsu had almost given himself away several times, the situation as disliked as it was familiar. It had reminded him of the life he'd left behind. Of jobs taken together, and of Gray's fierce yells demanding Natsu be more careful as he tried to patch him back together. This had been even truer once his regeneration had slowed down.
The important thing, and it was something Natsu carried in his heart, was that Gray had helped a dragon. Not because the dragon had asked, but because he'd wanted to. Because he'd felt it was the right thing to do.
Natsu knew he shouldn't get his hopes up yet. He wasn't particularly sure that Gray even liked Fukou that much, although there had been a few moments in their strange relationship where he'd thought maybe he had gotten through.
He looked up at the sky impatiently, urging the sun to come up already. Neither Igneel nor Atlas had been much help when he'd asked them about how he might have managed his temporary transformation the previous year. The one theory they'd had was that it was somehow related to the summer solstice, a day marked by a higher concentration of ethernano in the air. That he had reverted to his dragon form at the end of it certainly seemed to lend credence to that idea.
He paced the length of the field several times, needing to do something while he waited for the sun to begin its rise. He worried last year had been a fluke, but he was just as terrified that it wasn't. Regardless of what happened, he would have to make some decisions today. His time was running out, he could sense it.
Natsu had felt a staggering change in their bond on his flight back from Drak Aast, and it had terrified him because he didn't understand what it meant. It was what had kept him so distracted. The fear and dread that Gray might have finally had enough of him and his excuses had stolen his breath, much like a punch to the gut. Even though he knew he deserved it.
He'd been so focused on trying to interpret Gray's feelings that he hadn't bothered to pay any attention to where he was flying. A careless mistake he had paid for dearly.
Natsu stopped in his tracks as he felt something, a sensation so small it would have been easy to dismiss had he not been looking for something like it. It tingled and spread throughout his body, covering him in a golden glow before slowly transforming him.
He bounced on his heels, delighted to be back in his human form, but frowning at his arm, which bore the telltale marks of stitches. He hadn't thought to bring any gauze, but that was the least of his worries.
Natsu intended to do things right this time. He wanted to spend as much of this day with Gray as he could, grateful for the opportunity, no matter how small, to spend time with him. To shower him with all the love and affection he deserved for putting up with all his crap. To help combat the loneliness he'd felt from him when he'd spent time with him as Fukou.
He'd never planned for that to happen. Had actually decided that the best thing for both of them was for him to stay on Drak Aast permanently, regardless of how it might affect him. Had the dragon attack occurred just one day later, he would never have found out about it until it was too late.
He'd been sitting on his ledge when he'd heard Anna's scream and smelled the intruding dragon. Had sensed Gray's proximity and that had been enough to get him moving towards Talos, determined to protect his mate from any further dragon-related trauma at all costs. He'd gotten there just in time to witness Gray's reckless rescue and realize that Erza was in danger.
He'd honestly thought that would be it, had even agreed with Igneel that he should stay away. But then Gray had sought him out, and Natsu had realized he was being given an opportunity he shouldn't ignore.
Out of all the dragons, he was the best equipped to help Gray. He knew him like the back of his hand. He could let him insult him, abuse him, and maybe get him to some sort of understanding. It's not like he'd had anything to lose, and if he was honest with himself, he'd done it for himself too.
After all the fights he'd had with the renegades for the last few years, it felt good to have positive interactions for a change. To have kids calling out for him in joy rather than screaming in fear.
Natsu walked towards the town, not wanting to waste a moment of the time fate had given them. He hoped Erza hadn't scheduled Gray to work, but in all honesty, he didn't care what they did as long as they were together.
He tried to prepare himself for what he knew must be coming. Of course Gray would be angry to see him waltz in like he hadn't disappeared without explanation the year before. He expected that, knew his mate had every reason to feel that way. Especially when he had remained silent for another year.
No matter how patient or understanding Gray might be, it was a lot to ask of him to just overlook Natsu's actions. Especially when Natsu knew he'd just have to leave again when the sun set that evening.
Natsu harbored the hope that now that Gray had spent some time getting to know him as his dragon self, it would help his mate realize that he was the same no matter what form he took. Maybe they could still have some sort of relationship the rest of the year, but that required Natsu coming clean.
He knew it would have to happen eventually, and he wanted to do it, he really did. Gray deserved to understand the truth of their situation, but Natsu just couldn't take the idea of Gray hating him. Even if it was probably for the best. He knew that if Gray rejected him a third time, he wouldn't be able to handle it, and all the words he wanted to say died in his mouth.
What was left for him if Gray was entirely out of his life?
And if by some miracle he accepted him as he was now, what kind of life would that be for him?
o-o
Natsu had become somewhat lost as he walked through the streets of the village, amazed by how much it had grown and changed in the last four years and trying to find his way to Gray's apartment, heart heavy but hopeful for the best.
He'd flown over Talos plenty of times, but he'd never really paid much attention. Colorful houses with small yards had replaced the refugee camps. The business sector had also expanded. As he walked through it, he noticed there were many people up and about, sweeping the streets, hanging decorations, or setting up colorful booths. They were singing or humming as they worked, and their mood proved contagious. He wondered what they were getting ready for.
Natsu arrived at Gray's apartment much sooner than he'd expected. He now stood at the front door staring at the knocker, trying to calm his wildly beating heart, even as his stomach felt like he might be sick at any moment.
He'd been here many times before they'd gotten together, but it had been years since he'd set foot inside. He could smell the scent that was uniquely Gray, and a sheen of sweat spread across his body as his anxiety spiked. He'd almost gotten up the nerve to knock on the door when he heard an unexpected voice behind him, and it was not kind. In fact, it sounded furious.
"Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Natsu tensed even more at those words. Shit! Gray must have told Lyon what had happened. It made sense, as far as he knew, outside of the dragon slayers Lyon was the only one who knew that he and Gray were a couple. Natsu turned to speak to Lyon, but he never got the chance as he felt Lyon's fist connect with his jawbone.
"Ow, what the hell, Lyon?" Natsu complained, his right hand immediately moving up to rub the pain from his jaw.
"You've got some nerve showing up here after what you pulled," Lyon growled. He was already moving in for a second punch, and Natsu didn't bother to move away. Just pulled his arms up to block.
He hadn't tried using his magic last time, and he worried it might be unstable. He didn't want to hurt Lyon, and he'd certainly taken harder hits before.
"I get that you're mad, but don't you think if there were any way I could be here with him, I would?" Natsu entreated, trying to keep himself under control, painfully aware he was the one in the wrong.
"What could be so important that you would leave him like that?" Lyon kept at him, his voice getting progressively louder after every question. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been for him with you gone? Not knowing if you were alive or dead? Are they really more important to you than he is?"
"Of course not!" Natsu snapped, trying but failing to keep the frustration out of his voice. There was no one more important to him than his mate. "I've already told you, I couldn't be here."
Before Lyon could reply, another voice from his past asserted itself, but at least this one sounded happy to see him, "Natsu? Is that you?"
Erza tackled him into a hug. "You're back!"
"I was so worried!" Erza was practically vibrating with excitement, completely missing Lyon's animosity. At least her arrival had made the ice mage back down. She finally let go of Natsu long enough to look around. "Where are the others? Are they back too?"
Natsu shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, it's just me."
"Why is that?" Erza puzzled, "Didn't they want to come back?"
Natsu could almost feel Lyon's glare physically assaulting his body, and he tried to ignore it before his instincts called on him to deal with the perceived threat. He should have realized last time that the draconic instincts were much closer to the surface than they had been before the war. He needed to be careful.
"M-my mother?" Erza asked, trying to remain strong and in control of her emotions, but Natsu could already smell the tears that she was holding back.
He knew Erza hadn't seen her mother in over five years, and there really wasn't much he could tell her. "She's with Belserion. I saw her recently, and she's doing well. She's in charge of all the remaining dragon slayers," Natsu told her with a reassuring smile.
"The war is mostly over, but there is a faction of renegade dragon slayers that are still fighting us," Natsu explained as best he could, knowing Erza needed answers perhaps almost as much as Gray himself.
"We've moved most of the remaining dragons, but the slayers are with them to help fight against any surprise attacks. Our stronger fighters are trying to remove the renegades' magic so they'll cease to be a threat. Only then can we all finally come home."
Erza relaxed visibly, and Natsu took a moment to look at her. She looked older, but something else about her had changed. Did she look... happy?
"You look different, these years have been good to you," Natsu complimented honestly.
Erza's cheeks crimsoned, and she punched Natsu on the shoulder, making him laugh. "I got married," she mumbled.
"You what?" Natsu asked in mock shock, wanting to tease her a bit. He'd missed Erza and all his other friends, even Lyon, whom he knew he owed a great debt to. "Who'd be crazy enough to marry you?"
"That would be me," Lyon replied dryly.
"Finally made a move, huh? I'm glad, I always thought you two would be good together," Natsu smiled at them.
So Lyon had finally gotten his act together. Good for him! He felt a stab of jealousy at the two of them for having it so easy, but he didn't really mean it. Natsu was glad they had found happiness in each other. It was all he'd ever wanted for himself and Gray. He was sick of fighting and hiding. He just wanted the life Igneel had always told him he could have, but it was outside of his reach.
"Does Gray know you're back yet?" Erza asked, ignoring her husband completely, "He's been miserable ever since you left, you know."
Natsu deflated, his guilt surfacing once again. He'd done that to Gray. "Uhm, no. I was just about to knock when Lyon got here. What's going on today, anyway? It looks like you guys are setting up for something."
"Remember that festival we were going to have to boost morale a few years back?" Natsu nodded, and Erza continued, "We're having it today. A festival for the red dragon who has become our town's protector. It was the kids' idea!"
"A red dragon?" Natsu didn't know how to respond to the news. He'd never expected something like that, although it warmed his heart to learn the village thought so highly of him..
"Yeah, even Gray tolerates him, if you can believe that," Erza laughed, "I never thought I'd see the day when that would be possible. Lyon calls him Gray's guardian dragon. Anyway, we'll have to catch up later. Lyon and I need to supervise the setup. Tell Gray he can have the day off."
Erza waved as she walked away, dragging Lyon behind her. He hadn't stopped glaring at Natsu for a second, and now Natsu was back to staring at the door. He heard a noise and was keenly aware that Gray was standing on the other side. He took a deep breath and hoped for the best.
"Gray?" Natsu called out, "Can we talk?"
"Go away, Natsu," Gray replied from the other side of the door, his voice sounding muted. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"I—I don't have a lot of time," Natsu answered truthfully, "Please, can we talk?"
"The only way you're coming in is if you promise to tell me the truth," Gray said firmly, "No more running away."
Natsu remained silent, considering the things that Lyon and Erza had just told him about how his mate had been doing in his absence and adding them to what he already knew.
"If you can't agree to that, then you might as well go, cause I'm done."
Natsu could hear him walking away from the door, and with a sinking heart, he realized Gray was serious. It was worse than he'd feared. He wasn't running out of time; he was entirely out.
As he stood there, thinking about what he wanted to do, he felt it—anger, sadness, worry, confusion, hurt. It was all coming from Gray, and Natsu decided at long last. It was time. He couldn't knowingly hurt his mate, it wasn't just his instincts screaming at him anymore. It was the right thing to do.
Okay, you win. Natsu addressed Gray in his mind. Just please let me in.
The door opened after a few moments, and Natsu stepped inside, instantly soothed by the way everything smelled of Gray. It helped to calm his nerves, and even though he knew the conversation was doomed before it started, he stubbornly held on to the hope that Gray might understand.
A lot had changed inside the apartment. Natsu supposed it made sense, Gray would have wanted to make it his own once Lyon had moved out. He followed Gray to a couch in his living room and sat down, taking a moment to examine the apartment. This could have been their life. A little place just like this somewhere, where they could leave everything behind and just love each other. It was all he'd ever wanted, and they'd only experienced it briefly.
Natsu felt the need to touch Gray somehow, to hold his hand or hug him, but he could see from the way Gray looked like he was about to snap at any moment that it wasn't a good idea. This wasn't about him anyway, this was about finally giving Gray what he needed regardless of consequences.
"What would you like to know?" Natsu asked somberly, his eyes darting to examine Gray's before looking back down at his hands.
"Everything. What's going on? Why did you leave last year and why did you wait a whole year to come back? Are you in danger? What happened in the war?" Gray kept asking question after question, barely breathing before adding more to the growing list.
"Can you slow down? I can't remember all of those," Natsu interrupted him, already lost amidst all the questions.
Gray stared at him, his midnight blue eyes boring into Natsu with a gravity they'd never held before, "Just tell me the truth."
Natsu wasn't at all surprised to realize he was more scared at this moment than he'd ever been while facing Acnologia.
He thought about all the things he could say, but there was really only one thing Gray needed to know to decide whether he was done with him or could find it within himself to accept Natsu as he was.
Natsu sighed, "I told you the truth a long time ago, but you didn't believe me."
Gray wrinkled his brow and remained quiet for a while, trying to figure it out on his own, but ultimately he looked at Natsu blankly, "What are you talking about?"
Natsu's heart throbbed with the need to touch Gray's face one last time, but he knew he no longer had that right. He wasn't ready for it to be over. He never would be. The thought was so overwhelming that his tears flowed before he could stop them, causing Gray's armor to chink just enough to reveal his concern and fear.
"Natsu, please. Just tell me," Gray reached for him and wrapped him in a tight embrace, rubbing circles on Natsu's back and kissing his head before releasing him.
"I'm a dragon," Natsu said quietly.
"Not this again," Gray protested, instantly annoyed, "I thought you were taking this seriously."
"Gray, I'm a dragon," Natsu repeated more forcefully, "The day we met, your scent called to me, and I flew off in your direction. I was stuck in that tree cause I changed back in mid-air and fell."
"This is stupid, and I'm not laughing," Gray replied stubbornly.
"Igneel and Atlas aren't my dragons," Natsu continued in a monotone, "They're my father and uncle. My mother was a woman by the name of Porlyusica, she was a healer in this town. I was never a dragon slayer, I only pretended that to hide among the others. I had my magic before them, remember?"
"Don't do this!" Gray yelled, covering his ears, "If you want to go, just say so, but don't fucking lie to me! Not about this."
"Gods, I should have never hidden it from you, I just—I love you so much, and I was so tired of being alone," Natsu couldn't really continue talking any longer, the force of the anger and resistance to his words destroying him. So he communicated the rest of what he wanted to say through their bond.
I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
"NO, I refuse to believe it," Gray's voice shook as he demanded, "Prove it. If you're really a dragon, show me."
"Alright," Natsu replied, shoulders slumped in defeat as he stood up. He moved to the kitchen where there was a door that led to a small backyard. Gray followed behind him silently.
Natsu opened the door and made his way outside, not wanting to destroy Gray's home on top of everything else. Once he changed back, he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to return to his human form again until the following year, but Natsu owed it to Gray to show him the whole truth.
He called on the familiar magic to change himself back, but nothing happened. Natsu didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Just like when they were young, he wasn't able to change in front of his mate.
He kept trying, feeling Gray's eyes on him, and he wanted to scream at the injustice of the situation. He was trying to do the right thing, and whatever magic had changed him into his human self wouldn't let go, and probably wouldn't until sunset.
"I can't," Natsu finally accepted defeat, "I won't be able to until the sun sets, something to do with the ethernano in the air."
"I don't believe you."
"Why the hell would I lie about this?" Natsu snapped, lashing out at Gray in his frustration, "Do you think this is easy for me?"
He tried to think of how else he could prove to Gray that he was speaking the truth and with increasing dread realized there was still one last truth left to tell. One that he had conveniently forgotten, and regardless of how his mate felt about dragons, this truth was not one that Gray would easily forgive.
Gray remained where he was, arms crossed in front of his chest as he leaned against the building's exterior wall.
Natsu bowed his head as he tried to work his courage up to do what he had to. He called some fire to his hand, wanting to make sure he had access to his magic before he made an even bigger fool of himself. Flames covered his hand, and he quickly released them.
He thought about the spell he'd learned from Atlas, the one they'd been using on the renegade dragon slayers after they withdrew their magic. It removed their memories of ever having had magic. It was a nicety of sorts, but Natsu had used it for a much different purpose. One designed to protect not only Gray and the truth he hadn't been able to handle back then, but himself as well.
It had the unexpected side effect of allowing Natsu to spend time with Gray as a dragon, but it had been a double-edged sword. In the end, he'd only been postponing the inevitable. He should have just stayed away, as his father had suggested.
He thought about telling Gray that he was the red dragon that he'd spent time with, but decided not to. Maybe that way, Gray would at least have some pleasant memories of him.
"There's one last thing I have to do," Natsu said as he slowly walked towards his mate.
"Last thing?" Gray scoffed, "What are you talking about, we haven't even started talking yet. You promised to give me answers."
"I know, I'm about to," Natsu replied, standing in front of Gray and looking at the love of his life one last time. "I need to touch your forehead."
Gray shrugged, not giving the request much importance. He stood still as Natsu placed his left hand on his forehead and began chanting a spell, Natsu's fingertips glowed with a bluish light. A small blue magic circle appeared in the air, instantly sinking into Gray's head, entering his brain and unlocking the memories that Natsu had kept contained.
"What's this?" Gray sounded confused but soon remained quiet as he slowly recovered the memories Natsu had kept from him. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and Natsu had no chance to feel anything through their bond because Gray immediately punched him in the stomach as hard as he could manage, knocking the wind out of him. Natsu fell to his knees with a thud.
"You fucking bastard!" Gray yelled in outrage.
Natsu couldn't find it in himself to protest. "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" Gray asked, eyes wide in disbelief and body tensed in an obvious struggle to restrain himself, "Get out."
"But Gray—"
"GET OUT!" Gray screeched, quickly molding an ice blade and getting into an attack stance.
Natsu got himself up and nodded, making his way to the door. He looked back one last time to find Gray staring back at him, his face still composed, but Natsu could see the cracks in the hard lines of his features.
He couldn't remember ever feeling this worthless before. He'd broken Gray's heart and, in doing so, broken his own as well. Natsu opened the door and closed it silently behind him, hurrying to let himself out of the apartment and Gray's life forever.
He would leave in the morning. It was time to go after Acnologia. With him gone, the rest of the renegades should fall easily. Natsu would free the dragons or get himself killed. He was okay with either outcome.