Monday, March 16th, 2020
The day everything happened last November, I woke up with this terrible feeling of dread sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach. At the time I couldn't place what it meant, but hearing that first gunshot go off in school changed that pretty quickly.
I've woken up with the same feeling and I shudder at the thought of something terrible happening again. I was finally beginning to feel like maybe I could get some fragments of my old self back. Now I wasn't so sure.
I almost don't even bother getting ready for school but I know that not showing up will only make things worse. I couldn't hide from my past but I just had to make sure it didn't define my future.
I avoid my eyes in the floor-length mirror. It leans against the wall next to my door as I button up my school dress. It used to hang over the back of my door in my old bedroom, pictures stuck around the frame. I'd removed all the photos long ago, memories that I didn't need to remember.
I hear mum's car reverse out of the driveway, zooming up the street. I felt like she purposely left early these days, just so that I'd be made to drive his car. Little did she know however that Nix's car didn't make it more than two blocks before I walked to Harry's house.
I'm already running a few minutes late when I make it into the kitchen to grab some fruit to eat.
My phone chimes as I'm biting into my apple. I look down, puzzled my the text Harry has just sent.
I'm here. Out front.
What in the hell is he on about? We had a deal! He wasn't supposed to pick me up in front of my house.
Despite both my parents not being home, I'm still annoyed at him. The last thing I needed right now was to be caught out having actual friends. And god forbid any of them were boys.
Despite his message, I'm still shocked to see that he is parked in my driveway. I catch him waving at me through the windscreen, totally nonchalant like everything was normal.
I trudge down the front steps, frowning at him as I approach his car.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I bark, once I've swung the passenger side door open.
Maybe I was overreacting slightly but no one understood what it was like for me now. No one realised what having friends meant.
"Picking you up. Come on, get in. School starts soon."
Despite my anger, I shut the door quietly behind me, buckling my seatbelt.
"I thought we had a deal, Harry."
"We do. However, you were supposed to be at my house five minutes ago. When you didn't turn up I took matters into my own hands."
"Harry, you know that—"
"But they're not here, are they? I drove around the block twice waiting for your mother to leave. Why is this getting you so worked up?"
Why was this getting me worked up? He was right. My parents weren't here. They couldn't see me.
"You're right," I whisper. "Sorry."
He shrugs, his eyes focused on the reversing camera as we exit out of the driveway.
"Don't worry about it," he smiles, patting my knee. I wish he didn't do things like that, it only makes me feel worse.
I still had that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't help but feel slightly shaken up. It was obvious that I had taken out some of my anger onto an unsuspecting Harry.
"Your turn to choose the music," I manage to mumble.
He watches me out of the corner of his eye, smiling softly. "Nah, you can."
"But it's your day."
"That rule is completely void when one of us is having a shitty morning."
"But—"
"Just pick a song, Hall."
I don't remember the exact moment when it became comfortable enough between us to be referred to on a last name basis, but I'm happy. Or I should be, at least. Somehow, though, a part of me worries that it makes what we have completely platonic.
But that's what has to happen, remember?
Just. Friends.
I don't argue further with Harry. Instead, I scroll through Spotify until I find a song that fits my mood.
Long Way From Home by The Lumineers fills the speakers and I lean my head against the window, watching the blur of suburbia pass me by.
For a moment I imagine that I'm not going to school, that I'm on a road trip with Harry and we're happy. We've just graduated and we have all Summer together, our friends joining us soon. The windows are down and I'm screaming into the night, Harry laughing in the driver's seat as he watches me, his brown hair thrown around with the wind.
"Good choice," Harry says. His voice carries me out of my dream and back into reality.
I could never have something like that. Not without guilt wracking me to the core. I'd never get the chance to be my full self around anyone again without them knowing my past. And that was not an option.
All too soon he's pulling into the school parking lot and I feel like I suddenly can't breathe at all.
Luckily Harry doesn't seem to notice as he goes to reach for his backpack, passing me mine as well.
"Thanks," I manage to utter, quickly climbing out of his car.
I spot Asher rushing over to us, beelining for Harry. He gives my hair a quick ruffle as he passes me. I welcome the distraction for Harry because I was afraid that he was going to see the colour draining from my face.
Before they notice I rush up the steps into school, knowing that something was going to happen today and just wishing I could understand what.
It doesn't hit me until lunch. The feeling of dread had only grown heavier as each period passed me by. Now it was starting to make me feel nauseous.
I'm listening to Sydney's recap of her party from this past weekend when I see her.
The feeling of dread seems to suffocate me momentarily before I realise that my uneasiness wasn't just a feeling. It was a person.
At first, I don't know how I recognise her face. I knew for a fact that I hadn't seen her around this school before. She was more familiar somehow, someone I'd seen somewhere else.
"My parents practically wanted to kill me when they saw the mark on their couch. But, like, I already told them I'd pay for any of the damage so what's their problem?"
Sydney's voice seems to only be background noise at this point. My attention is solely focused on the girl sitting two tables away from us. She has her head bent down, focusing on the phone in front of her. Her golden hair cascades around her, obscuring half of her face.
I try to peer between Asher and Harry's heads to get a better view of the girl. She glances around momentarily like she's taking in her surroundings before returning to her phone.
Harry must notice me staring into the distance because he turns to follow my line of sight behind him.
"You know her or something?" he asks.
I quickly look away, focusing on my food. I didn't have much of an appetite but I take a bite of my sandwich, just to avoid his question.
"Don't think so. Do you?"
He shakes his head but now everyone is listening to us and Kennedy looks over at the girl.
"Oh, she's new here. It's her first day. She's in the year below us but she's taking year 12 History so she's in my class. Her name is Audrey? Or was it Avery? Something starting with an A."
Kennedy keeps rambling but my attention is focused back on the girl until Sydney asks a question that makes me almost dry reach.
"Where's she from?"
Before Kennedy even answers I know exactly what she's going to say.
"I think when Miss Lancaster made her introduce herself she said Winterville? But I wasn't paying much attention."
"Well, shit," Asher whistles. "No wonder she wanted to leave that shitty town."
"Asher," Sydney snaps, "don't be so disrespectful."
Her eyes land on Harry briefly before she glares at Asher again.
"I feel bad for her. She was there last year when everything went down at..."
"Winterville Prep," Cooper finishes, staring solemnly at his hands.
Everyone goes silent. Harry gets evens more silent, if that is even humanly possible.
Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
"Maybe we should, um, talk about something else," Cooper mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
My ears are ringing and I can't hear anything Asher is saying but I notice Harry's face. I just want to curl up, hiding from myself.
He remembers. He remembers my slip-up, the one where I told him I lived in Winterville. The one where I tried to cover it up with a lie about living on the outskirts of town.
Before he can say anything though, Kennedy's concerned eyes find mine.
"Are you alright, Lon? You look like you've seen a ghost."
I wasn't alright at all and I had definitely seen a ghost. A ghost from my past.
I couldn't remember her name, but I knew her face. I knew that we went to school together in Winterville. I knew that she'd been one of the girls that spat on me.
"Rot in hell, bitch. Just like your fucking brother!"
The only difference between her and nearly everyone else was that she had a very, very good reason to despise me and now she was here. Here in the place where I was trying to start over.
"I just...I need to..."
"Come on," Kennedy says, hauling me up from the bench. "Syd, you coming to the bathroom with us?"
"Of course," she says, her eyes filled with worry.
I don't meet Harry's gaze but I can feel it following me as we walk away.
Shit.
This changed everything for me. I was going to have to be even more careful from now on. This girl could ruin my life if she realised that I went to Bakley now too. One glance my way and I didn't doubt for a second that she'd remember exactly who I was.
Kennedy and Sydney lead me into the bathroom, helping me splash cold water on my face.
I watch myself in the mirror. His eyes staring back at me are my undoing. I vomit into the basin and Sydney gasps.
"God, Lon," Kennedy whispers, her voice laced with concern. Ken holds back my hair as I lean against the basin, breathing hard.
Sydney scurries off and at first, I think she's totally disgusted with me. Then she comes back, her hand outstretched to pass me some paper towel.
Despite everything that has just happened in the last ten minutes, the only thing that keeps playing in my head is that I can't tell my parents about any of this. It wouldn't be fair on them. They've just started to settle in. I couldn't ruin everything for them now.
I didn't want to keep running for the rest of my life, which meant that I'd have to keep my head down in the corridor.
If I had to hide until graduation then so be it. I'd do anything to hold onto this new life.
Because I didn't think I would ever be able to let it go without breaking completely.