"Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down
He's so tall and handsome as hell
He's so bad but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins
My one condition is
Say you'll remember me."
-Taylor Swift, 'Wildest Dreams'
☂Ashton☂
Ashton couldn't be bothered to find his breath, even though technically he knew he had to keep breathing if he wanted to be able to see his mum again.
"Okay..." Luke said softly, standing up from the bed and untangling himself from the sheets he and Ashton had shared minutes before. Ashton was staring at anything except for Luke's blue eyes filled with brokenness and bravery because he was already falling to bits.
Luke handed him the laptop.
Ashton bought a flight.
They didn't speak.
Luke didn't touch Ashton.
Ashton didn't touch Luke.
Ashton cried and cried and cried and when he looked up front the backlit screen after his credit card was approved, he saw Luke was crying too.
But he couldn't be bothered to think of what to do, so he just reached up and pressed one of his palms to Luke's cheek and then Luke kissed him and it tasted like tears.
"When?" Luke asked after several hundred years of muted sobs.
"Tomorrow. Nine in the morning." Ashton told him horsely.
Luke looked shattered.
"So...soon..." He struggled. Ashton shrugged in a deadly kind of way.
"She's going to die, Luke." He said after a moment, trying to leach as much emotion out of the words as he could because maybe that would make them meaningless. "She has cancer and she's got three weeks to live and my family kept it a secret this long because they didn't want me to get distracted from school but now it all makes sense, I guess. Harry and Lauren were acting weird and my grandma never put my mum on the phone and I should have known something was going on and oh, God, that's why my grandma couldn't pay my tuition--the money was going to the bills because my mom wasn't working--oh, God..."
Ashton was sobbing violently by the end of his speech, and he doubled over to hold his chest together. A few moments later he felt Luke's arms wrap around him and pull him onto his lap, and then he let his world collapse.
x
It was three-thirty in the morning and they were at Ashton's dorm room, packing what he would need and leaving everything he didn't care about. He didn't have much--mostly clothes and books--so the task went fast. Neither of them was talking much, except for Luke voicing the occasional "Bring this?" and Ashton replying with "Yes" or "No".
At about four, Ashton got out his phone and texted Michael to let him know his mother wouldn't have to worry about Ashton's continued attendance at London Uni. Oddly enough, Michael responded almost immediately to let him know he would be happy to drive him to the airport. Then Calum texted Luke and Luke told him the situation, and suddenly all three of them were going to see Ashton off the next morning.
Ashton wasn't quite sure how to feel, so he didn't feel much of anything at all.
"Ash?" Luke asked, exhaustion apparent in his voice. "Ash, we're done and you should probably get a couple hours of sleep before you..."
He didn't finish, but Ashton nodded anyway, and they fell into bed and into each other and held on tighttighttight 'till the morning sun fractured their illusion of forever apart.
x
"Michael's outside." Luke said, shaking Ashton awake. It dim outside, about 7am, and Ashton didn't want to leave but he didn't want to stay, either.
They both rolled off the small bed and Luke pulled on his sweatshirt. Ashton shouldered his duffle bag and Luke grabbed his backpack and then they left. Ashton didn't let himself look back.
Michael and Calum were already in the Mercedes, so Luke and Ashton scooted into the backseat after putting Ashton's things into the trunk.
"Good morning, you two." Michael said in an overly cheerful voice. Ashton stared out the window and felt rather empty as the other three had a quiet conversation about something he couldn't concentrate on while Michael drove. Sometime during the journey Luke leaned over and grabbed his hand loosely, and Ashton curled his fingers into Luke's because that was the only place he felt safe; pressed against Luke.
When they got to the airport, Michael hugged Ashton tightly and told him to text him, and Calum did the same, whispering in his ear that he'd take care of Luke.
"I'll stay with you until security, okay?" Luke said, and Ashton nodded and smiled at Calum and Michael who said they would go try to park.
"I'll miss you guys, you know that?" Ashton said, feeling his being break a little more.
"Hey--," Calum said gently, "You're welcomed to stay with us any time. You don't even need to let us know ahead of time. You know where we keep the key."
Ashton nodded and hugged him again.
"I'm willing to give up my car anytime. If I cry and tell my mom I need her to pay your tuition because the divorce scarred me so deeply, she'll totally do it." Michael assured him. "I'm not kidding."
"I know you aren't." Ashton laughed softly. The rain was pouring down, so he and Luke jogged inside and Calum and Michael waved and waved until they were out of sight.
The inside of the Heathrow airport was like the inside of all airports--hushed and wide open and an eerily comfortable temperature. People crowded around ticket stands, checking in and checking bags. Luke held Ashton's backpack while he got his gate number and boarding pass from a lady with tired eyes and red hair.
"Your flight boards in half an hour, and the security checkpoint is right over there. Enjoy your flight." She said in a night-shift voice. Ashton nodded, and thanked her, and walked back over to Luke, who was staring at him like he was made of glass and diamonds.
"Hey." Ashton said, "Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?" Luke asked achingly.
"Like I'm breaking your heart." Ashton said as they started toward security.
"But you are." Luke said quietly.
Ashton stopped and grabbed Luke's arm.
"Are you angry with me for leaving?" He asked, and Luke pressed his lips together for a long moment, looking down and looking up and looking everywhere that wasn't Ashton.
"I--," Luke stuttered. "I...I don't mean to be."
Ashton felt a lump rise in his throat.
"I don't want this, Luke. I don't want my mum to be sick and I don't want to have to go home and I don't want to be terrified and sad and helpless. I didn't ask for that and I don't want it but that's what I have and I can't help it."
Luke was quiet for a forever.
"Say something." Ashton begged brokenly.
"You'll come back." Luke murmured to himself like a promise. And then, again, to Ashton, "You'll come back?"
Ashton opened his mouth, but then closed it and Luke looked stricken.
"Ashton--promise me you'll come back. Promise me I'll see you again."
Ashton shook his head slowly. "I...can't. My family needs me and I can't make a promise I'm not sure I can keep."
Luke winced liked Ashton had slapped him.
"I think..." Luke said into the white-noise quiet. "I think...your flight boards soon."
"Luke." Ashton begged with a syllable, grabbing his hand. "Luke, we--I--we never finished the bucket list. You never kissed me in the rain."
"I think you should go." Luke whispered, staring at where their fingers connected like he was trying to memorize it.
"Luke." Ashton said on a sob, feeling sick sadness solidify in his stomach. "Luke, I love you."
Luke finally met his his eyes, but instead of what Ashton had expected, they were dead, like Luke had put on a mask.
"How--," Luke asked like a gunshot, all sharp and painful, "How can you say that? Are you trying to destroy me?"
Ashton stared after Luke with tears streaming down his face as he walked away.
x