At the same time though, the doctor saw you and screamed out for you, quickly sonicing the gun as you pulled the trigger.
The sonic only just managed to stop the gun from working, causing it to spark violently in your hand, making you drop it in shock and step away from it. You stared at the smoking and sparking gun on the ground, feeling your anger start to rise.
You pulled the trigger. You actually did it. You shouldn't be here right now. It could have all just been quiet. Peaceful. Just, enough. But it wasn't. The doctor had to save you again. Causing the bullet to get clogged inside the gun and for the machinists to start to burst.
Just for a moment...you thought you'd finally finished it. You never had the chance to do it before. Not properly. You didn't have a gun, which seemed like such a quick exit. Only knives. And the doctor always managed to save you before death caught up with you with that one.
The gun though...it should have been enough, you thought. You pulled the trigger. If only the doctor hadn't seen you. It would all have been over in a second. All of it..
"What the hell do you think you were doing?!" The doctor hissed.
You didn't even realise she had stomped over to you. You stood there, staring at the ground, feeling your throat start to knot up. You were so close...
"(Y/n) this isn't a toy...you could have just died do you understand that!" The doctor picked up the broken gun, throwing it far away from you.
She placed a hand on her chest and another on her forehead, taking deep breaths to calm herself down.
"I thought we went over this. You were going to try not to do this again. You said...you said you wouldn't..." her voice cracked slightly as she looked at you with tears forming in her eyes.
You continued to stare at the ground, unable to do anything except think about how close you were. It could have been over. No more worries about the alcohol. Or even the cigarettes at this point, something you thought...you hoped you'd finished with. No more flashbacks, no more nightmares. No more living in fear and in the dark. No more of this horrible, sinking, drowning feeling inside you. No more voices in your head. No more horrific memories. Just no more!
"You said you would try not to..." the doctor whispered again "why..why would you do something like this? You could be so much more. You could do so much more. Instead...you're..."
"I'm trying" you whispered through the lump in your throat "I'm trying so hard..." you shook your head "I can't keep doing this. I'm fighting a losing battle doctor. I can't keep doing this I just can't" You wiped your eyes and face, taking a sharp intake of breath "I can't..."
With that, you turned around, walking towards the exit. You needed a moment to just think this through. You wouldn't be any help in this situation. The doctor could help with this whole poison people stealer situation thing. You needed to find the will to live again.
"Where are you going! You see, this is why we don't have guns! Not just this Jack, but Hannah doesn't need to be killed! (Y/n)! Stop!" The doctor called out for you, trying to talk sense into everyone.
You turned around for a moment, disgusted at yourself for not even being able to cry in this situation. You caught glimpse of everyone's horrified faces at what just happened. But when you saw Missy's hurt and pained face, the tears threatening to spill in her eyes as she stared at you, your heart shattered in your chest.
You hated seeing her so upset. And knowing you were the reason as to why, made it ten times more painful. It physically hurt.
You looked away, also catching a glimpse of Gwen who was stood there, completely frozen in the same place she was when she gave you the gun. You must have messed up everyone. As usual, it was always your fault. That's what Jason often said. It was your fault. It's what the voices said.
"Don't walk away from this (y/n). You need to be better than that. Stand up, let out your emotions so that you can smile another day. Scream, talk. Whatever you do, we're here for you" the doctor spoke "I don't want to have a universe with no you. You've done so much to help the existence of so many civilisations. And it's our turn to help you. Whatever you need, we're at your disposal"
You shook your head "I just want to sleep. I want a moment of peace. My head hurts so much from all of this, doctor." Your voice wobbled as you spoke "I want to be safe"
You couldn't go through any of this again. Not for a few moments at least. You needed to have some security. Not being threatened with your life again or have the pressure of others lives. You didn't want to think about home again. That place...was no longer your home. You could remember everything bad ever happening to you there. You were shown all of it.
It was stupid to ever even tried to fight.
Everyone and everything was always stronger than you. Your father was. You tried to keep up your strong appearances for Alice, but everyone you got up, you were only beaten back down until you were through with. And Alice still got hurt in the end. And now there's Jason. Every time you'd argue or try to fight back, it was useless. He was much stronger than you. He usually held you down and had his way with you. And of course, there was the constant struggle with the mind.
This was the fight you were constantly losing. Or so it seemed. You were tired of this. You couldn't keep fighting. You just wanted some peace. And that gun...almost..almost gave you it.
The doctor walked up to you, placing her hands on your shoulders gently to which you violently flinched. You prayed that she wouldn't hurt you because of what you did. Your heart rate was rocketing you an unnatural rate. You knew though, there was no point in fighting. Whatever was coming to you was going to happen no matter what. You needed to remain silent.
That was another thing you learnt. Making noise made them angrier. And it turned out worse for you.
The doctor tried to reach your eyes, her hand coming up to your cheek to force you to look into those old hazel swirls.
"As soon as we get back to the TARDIS, I'll give you that peace. I'll help with all of that. All of the pain. But you need to just stay strong for a few more hours. And then I promise you, you'll feel so much better" she said to you "but you can't do what you just did. You need to at least try. Stay close to someone else at all times. The universe would shiver at your loss"
You remembered those words. They were one of the very first words she said to you. You trusted her. She made it better all those years ago. Maybe she could do it again.