Winged reader,
Welcome back one more and one final time. As usual, your presence lights up my day. It reminds me of how you traveled through these pages alongside me. How you theorized, questioned, despised, loved, and lost all in one tale. I will say, one of the greatest amusements is reading through every single one of your notifications when I am lucky enough to receive them. Many times, it was your word that kept me chipping away at each chapter.
This reflection, however, is really meant to be my last words to you within the context of A Court of Embers. It is an explanation of how the tale came about, what the characters mean, more about the plot, and my final thoughts. Without further ado, let us begin.
*excuse the different sized gifs
PERSONAL CONTEXT
(BEFORE)
As I look back in my notes, I find the very first note that led me to ACoE. The weirdest part is that the date of this note was May 21, 2018. On May 23rd, 2018, I published Tear the Sky. So this leads me to believe that at some point, I wrote this idea down and chose Tear the Sky as my first work instead. I'm actually smiling right now because I never expected this. A Court of Embers has always been in my pocket.
True planning for the story began in June 2019. At the time, I was in summer school and summer training with my team and I wanted to get back to my roots. Before this, I'd already planned and ditched a few ideas because they did not maintain the fire I needed in my belly to complete them. Their stakes were not high enough. There was not enough action to keep me intrigued. My time was already being clipped short by workouts and my studies, so its not like I could dedicate time to them either. It had gotten to the point where trying to force them out of me felt like pulling teeth and I ran from updating things because I did not love what I wrote.
It felt like a job to write and publish. For a few months prior, I wondered what was wrong. I wondered if I would ever find an idea that I just adored past the first few chapters--when I typically winced at how uncomfortable I was and opted to scrap the entire thing rather than try and fix it. But then, the concept for ACoE resurfaced and I knew I would either have to fill in the holes or let the entire thing go because it was seemingly too complicated.
Thank the lucky freaking stars that I thought through it rather than let it remain too large.
But, of course, a new challenge arose. The Fae are not typical fantasy creatures. No, their world is far too expansive and so are their system of Courts and intrigue. They physically cannot lie. On top of that there are the rumors of their allergy to iron and their reputation of being nothing short of ethereal. There were rules to abide by. Plus, the words had to sound as pretty as the creatures I described when strung together. My language had to shift into holding a consciousness for tone and delicacy. I'd relate it to trying to make your sentences as graceful as a ballerina en pointe. Needless to say, I've still got sooo much to learn about this.
However, it woke me up. After such a long period of dislike, dislike, dislike it seemed to grab me by the chin and make me stare it directly in the eye. So, I began the battle and slowly fell in love. It saddened me to put it to a sudden halt at Chapter 9, but alas, my final competitive travel season and my second semester of graduate school snatched me by the collar. I had to leave it alone. I also wanted to remember every last moment of being a student-athlete and that meant living in each second without the distractions.
In summary, before A Court of Embers, I seriously thought I might just be the "Tear the Sky girl" that wrote a semi-decent epic urban fantasy with too much needless detail but an ending that made up for a bit of the early first-time writing blunders. Turns out I was wrong and I'm not as much of a one-trick-pony as I thought.
This "Tear the Sky girl" got a fraction better.
PLOT
Inspiration
A Court of Embers is my attempt to twist a fairytale favorite: Beauty and the Beast.
For nostalgia's sake, check this out.
The prologue by Alan Menken can be considered where I started the drawing board. This prophecy bit was everything and I marveled over it as a child. All the colors and the music itself... absolutely enchanting.
The poem in the very beginning of the Foreword is an idea taken from a book called The Faerie Path by Allen Frewin Jones. On the back of each of his cover is a poem and this poem stretches all the way to end of his seventh book.
Finally, my third inspiration was A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas. She is debatably my favorite YA author. However, she did Tamlin dirty and if you want to argue about it, I have the time.
*While The Selection series by Kierra Cass is amazing and it has women coming to compete for a prince, it was not inspiration for this story.
Conception
In the very beginning, Maren was a seamstress and Penelope worked alongside her. Lady Juniper would own that seamstress shop and force Maren to work for her so that the girl could pay the older woman back for raising her and giving her a roof over her head. Think Erica from Barbie in Princess and the Pauper. Something along that route.
Maren was supposed to be proposed to by Nathaniel, but as soon as Maren announced the wedding to Juniper, Juniper would shut down the idea. Maren would nearly take her life, but she would be sent to work on a dress for a noble girl that received the Fire Fae's invitation. Thus her journey would begin. No thievery. No lying. Just a girl in love that gets her hopes stomped on until she reaches the woods.
But as I wrote it, it wasn't giving me a punch. It didn't have a hook. So, the status of Penelope had to be raised to a superior. Maren would still be an orphan, but she would be alone in her plight, undergoing plenty of breaking on her lonesome so that when she met our Prince, she would not (completely) cower before him.
Meanwhile, in Adara, decisions had to be made as to how many were affected by the curse, what the curse physically looked like, whether or not it could be spoken aloud, and how it could be broken. At first, I wanted to create a world in which Adara could be reigned over by one prince and his courtiers during day, and another court entirely at night. However, that was crazy complicated and my brain realized I could have that same effect simply by making the curse originate from one man.
The day would symbolize him when he is kind and good. The night would symbolize the moment when he is his worst. When he is proud, boastful, and most destructive. During the sun's hours, he would have a little less than half of his palace staff. At night, only a few lingering souls remaining. The others would be trapped elsewhere in the mirror curse--watching from the ash rain and from the desolation, unable to assist.
Then there was Faine, who was named the day that I published Chapter 17. I didn't really know much about her besides the fact that she somehow used mirrors in her schemes. Later on, I realized that her magic created reflections--illusions of the soul.
The Fae
As stated earlier, there are rules to writing about faeries.
The Fae allegedly have an allergy to iron. Some writers take this to the extreme and make iron a deadly substance. Some writers don't care much and create fae that consider this to be a rumor. I don't know where Neverin people stand with iron yet. Notice, though, everything they've used thus far has been made of gold, brass, glass, silver, or gemstones. So maybe they do care.
Normally, eating or drinking anything from the Fae can cause disastrous side effects such as becoming charmed or even becoming indebted to another individual. Since Jin had to keep women alive, the mention of these enchantments were low.
BUT my very favorite part, and maybe what I am most proud of, is knowing that the Fae cannot lie. Seokjin never lied to Maren. Namjoon never lied to Maren.
Jimin never lied to Maren.
Faine is the only one that walked a thin line because miralus gives her the power to weave tales from fear and to build upon what already exists in the depths of one's heart. Maren wanted to see Jin as a monster. Faine assisted, if you will.
The Fae of Neverin are deceptive in that they never quite reveal the context of their statements. Jimin literally announced that he followed Faine to Adara and that he was in the palace to take the kingdom down. It just seemed--in the human mind--that he was doing it for good cause. And that is an error upon the naivete of not asking for true meaning.
Neverin
The name Neverin, and all the Courts for that matter (besides Aramore and Adara), were borrowed names from a story I wrote when I was twelve about a sixteen year-old being carried into a world of the Fae by guardians that were meant to protect her.
That story was called Running Dusk. The most lovingly cringeworthy tale I could have ever made. It's also still sitting in the account I made here when I was 13.
Additionally, Faerie Courts are typically seasonal; autumn, summer, winter, spring courts. They've always been done this way. So, elemental courts were the way to go for the sake of being unique.
I did not have a plan for the seven blessed children that created the world as Maren knows it. That was all made up on the fly, lol. Especially the tale about the first summer. Quick thinking. This may come back to bite me later.
But the dire rose? One cannot have Beauty and the Beast without a rose in some shape or form. And what better way to showcase them than having a rose on fire?
CHARACTERS
NATHANIEL
"You know it isn't that simple, Mare."
Nathaniel should be glad he even gets a section in this. When ACoE was first drafted, Nathaniel was supposed to be Mare's best friend and eventual fiancé. But, this route didn't pack a punch like it needed to. Thus, the scandal of Penelope and Nathaniel was born. He made a lot of excuses about Penelope's money, but honestly, I find it really difficult to see the silver lining for him as a character and the only word that comes to my mind is opportunist.
Who "falls in love" with a girl and then hops all the way to her mistress like he didn't have control over the situation? I smell trash.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: He was her first love, and I do think he cares about her.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Terrible logic for breaking a heart.
JUNIPER
"If you want my silence, take her bargain and go to Neverin."
Juniper is that gracious old crone we like to despise. There is nothing redeeming to say about the woman that tried to make a bargain for Maren to return with something that purchased her freedom, really, not Maren's. Clever ploy, because it barely came to Maren's mind to get something to free herself with until she reached the forest.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Barbie in the Princess and the Pauper vibes; and her line "I took you for a lousy maid not a whore" something like that--she snapped and I love that sentence.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Had no qualms about breaking a child's spirit to make them a servant.
PENELOPE
"Why would you be sorry when you can take my place?"
I really do not like her, but at the same time, I get her? She is a product of her upbringing. She is the product of her class and also her privilege.
Why I have trouble always marking her as the antagonist lies in those childhood memories of Maren's. Penelope was always at her hip. At that time, they were genuinely best friends. Stargazing, telling stories, playing their make-believe games even when they weren't supposed to. But I think what changed in Penelope was her discovery of her wealth and lineage after she went away for a bit and everything changed.
Now, her taking Nathaniel away is none of my business and frankly, they deserve each other for doing Maren like that but Penelope gets all this from her parents. The Highmores would do anything to protect their line or help them advance. So, it isn't shocking that Penelope would cling onto Nate when that's the guy she wants. It also isn't surprising that when Vernice shows up, Penelope wants to act like she has amnesia.
Maybe a part of her really did imagine going for Maren if Maren got taken away. She promised it so easily. But the part of her that sits in comfort and greed eclipses a friendship that has been lost for ages.
Finally, she literally sent a maid to go die in her place. She is not a good woman lmfao.
The quote of hers should say enough about her blatant disregard for life.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Really don't know, but I was excited to expose her in Chapter 13.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Crap friend.
LYRA
"I, too, want a love that breaks kingdoms apart."
Ladies and gentlemen, the hidden treasure of this book. In every scene of hers I've had to write, I always imagine painting her. I don't know, she just seems like she'd be magical to paint. It was interesting watching readers suspect her of being behind the Dark Arts. Because based on what we know, fingers normally point to the nice girl no one thinks about. But that really would have been too obvious. Way too obvious.
Instead, Lyra is a dove the entire time. Yes, she was overcome by jealousy, but her infraction was too minor to put her in the same class as the real villains in this book. Always optimistic, always so sweet, she was really just trying to win this competition in the cleanest way possible.
In a way, she's a total Snow White or like the cliché faerie princess type that would normally win these things with a slam dunk. But because she doesn't wear her trouble on her sleeve like others, she wasn't able to truly see both sides of Jin. And that's okay.
She will be so much happier when she finds the person that will love her for everything she is in return. Her final scene is one of my fave parts and hopefully she graces us with her presence again in the future.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Heart of gold!
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: She has to leave :/
VERNICE
"I don't trust anyone in this palace, but I'll settle for you."
Not much to say other than the fact that she's absolutely lovely underneath that cold exterior. Her journey in Neverin was shorter than intended, but maybe that was good for her to see all that she needed to see about the Fae so that she could possibly prepare herself again.
One thing about Vernice was that she was meant to be a bit mean or distant, but she was not supposed to have such a backstory. It was really fitting that she search for her brother though. Her character fell into place nicely. Without a shadow of a doubt, she will return to the storyline. A woman such as that cannot end her shared travels at the doorstep of the Highmores. She's way too powerful for that.
For ACOTAR fans, she is my version of Nesta :)
*To clarify, Namjoon was only Vernice on the day of the Solstice. Any occurrence before that was the real Vernice.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Whenever Vernice gets all "I laugh in the face of danger" and actually proves she's lowkey dangerous
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Don't have one... yet
JIMIN
"Sacrifices had to be made, and now that they have, I am here to bring all of it down."
I wasn't supposed to keep him alive, but here we are. He got away.
Let's be clear. I don't know where Jimin is on the moral compass. It is very easy to make him redeemable, but there's a strong urge to just let his character be evil. But I will give it to him, he never lied about his intentions. He was pretty straight-up most of the time, elusive at other scenes.
Jimin's entire purpose was to find the woman that could possibly break the curse and then make her fall in love with him instead. Nevertheless, while writing about how he describes Elegia, there's a little boy that misses his home somewhere in there. As for what he feels about Yoongi? That is going to remain secret. For now.
I appreciated how smooth he was. I liked that he explained things and still taught Maren about Neverin. He could have been a great friend.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Different level of smooth. I adored making him pop-up and trying to get all of you to go the wrong way, hehe
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: He really knew about the curse the whole time and never said a word to Maren about it, like was so willing to let Jin die the entire time
EMBERLYNN
"I am Emberlynn Diamantis. Sworn knight and defender of Adara."
News flash! Emberlynn was never supposed to be a knight. She wasn't even supposed to have a last name. All of that was an impulsive decision when she saved Maren and it seemed to pay off. Her role, according to my outlines, was minimal. She was going to dress, bathe, and feed Maren, maybe drop a gem of advice or two, then go on her merry way. Now she's got a bow and arrow and an entire legion of Ash Knights. Oh well.
She is also very regal. It surprises me that she unintentionally blossomed into a miniature warrior queen. The addition to her role quite possibly gave her as many fans as anyone else in the story. If we hosted a popularity contest, Emberlynn could pull numbers as a favorite.
My favorite thing about her is that she served wherever she was needed. Even before I decided to make her a knight, she still had a responsibility to help Jin fend off the gravehounds at night. By morning, she was in Maren's room fixing her tea like she hadn't done anything impressive.
Emberlynn is accidentally formidable and could have her own spin-off but who has the time? Milan doesn't.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: She obviously commands legions of men now and like... the power in that?
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: What was there to dislike?
NAMJOON
"You still have a life. You have only just started living it."
Finally, I have a chance to confess that I had no intention of making Namjoon so rude. He just was. Any time I crafted dialogue, his character just generated the most assertive reactions and it fed into this image of undying loyalty to Jin when I'm not even sure that's what it really is.
For some reason, it was pretty easy for readers to go after Namjoon for being the way he is. But it also seemed like some never considered his side of events?
Imagine a sketchy girl showing up to the palace you oversee to STEAL and then have the audacity to flirt around with the cursed dude nice enough to try and open up to her--which he hasn't attempted to do in quite a while because of his overindulgent exposure to trauma and self-doubt.
I mean, I would be on edge around her too. And let's not negate that Joon had every right to be skeptical because Maren actually made a deal to kill Seokjin? We can't just scoot past that like it didn't happen. Joon's intuition was warranted throughout this entire ride. Call him what you will, but I see nothing other than an advisor ready to eliminate a national threat.
I have to stan.
Oh, and he isn't Fire Fae. He's the last Seelie. Or so we think.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Always telling the truth. Never sugarcoating. I also giggled at his eagerness to kill Maren as like first method of teaching her a lesson? My guy rolled up his sleeves when Jin was trying to figure out what to do with her.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Such a tough outer shell to get through...
GENEVIEVE
"Why do you think humans have never acquired this much beauty?"
She moved in silence throughout the story and spoke when she really needed to. She could have went through the entire thing undiscovered if she hadn't made a few mistakes, but she was just a bit too vocal near the end with Maren. One word to describe her is manic. Her hunger for power is unsettling, but it is also what she idolized all her life.
I offered a few breadcrumbs to Genevieve's master act.
There was a chapter where she was searching for something. She was looking for the key Maren had. When she suddenly grew faint and needed Kathleen's fan, she kept it to use it later in one of her spells. When Maren learned the truth and fled from Jin to get to Faine's chamber, the door was already unlocked. Small, small things that went unnoticed.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: She was the ringleader and the girls around her didn't even realize she'd taken charge.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Her worship of the fae was a bit similar to that of cult worship.
FAINE
"You have your kingdom back. But you cannot have your heart. To love is to lose. You decide what to sacrifice."
One of the scariest things about Faine is that she can spot her prey from reflective surfaces. When looking at yourself, she can look at you as well. Even worse, she can see through you into what you may not tell anyone else just because your reflection has been cast. Of course, this is why Adara's palace went without mirrors for so long--even hesitating to have lakes or bodies of water that mirror other views.
But as a character, she was surprisingly nonchalant and practical, seeing her day of collection as black and white rather than Grey. Without expressing too much, she got confirmation from Maren about whether or not she could kill Jin. She fooled around with Genevieve just to see the girl almost go mad. She also did not feel an ounce of remorse for nearly ending an entire kingdom. The way she beat Maren, a lot of her cruelty came through; also her preciseness and restraint in not killing her new human plaything. This is all in like ONE chapter.
Her sharp nature is becoming of the kind of role she has. She isn't the type to give dramatic monologues or to exhaust the level of performance necessary to get the point across. Rather, it is so exact that it can be frightening.
She took shape as the story progressed from name, to power/ability, to her motives. Truth be told, it will be a blast thinking of where she is from, how she got this way, and who she can become now that she has chosen her path.
For those wondering a bit more about how Jin died, here's a tidbit. The second that Jin regained his kingdom and throne, Faine murdered Maren. Technically, he could have lived and had everything--his title, his people, and an ascension to becoming High Prince. He just would have had to let Maren die to keep it. Faine knew he had the power to bring her back at the cost of what he just regained. So, she gave him a choice.
His heart (Maren), or his kingdom (High Prince and all that entails).
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Nearly everything. Her confidence is so natural that I don't even think I can shake it and I'm writing her.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Not much to say here, I thoroughly enjoyed her as a villain.
MAREN
"Nothing I have ever done is deserving of a crown. Really, I don't want one. But, I would like you."
Other possible names for Maren while drafting were Rosamund, Anya, Raisa, Scarlett, Stella, and Zara. Maren just stuck. In the best way possible.
Writing Maren as a character felt really good at times. I enjoyed giving her the freedom to express her rage to Juniper, and letting her speak when she disregarded norms, decorum, and her status as one of the lowest. Though it was rage, there was just so much ferocity in not only addressing others, but making them listen no matter the consequence. It seemed like that was how she took her stand.
Her unraveling is quite possibly the prettiest thing of this book. Specifically, envisioning all the pain underneath and faults that she was incredibly consistent with. It was a new challenge as a writer to make someone that stuck with their default ways rather than grow from them immediately. Her best moment of consistency for me was when she refused to tell Namjoon that Faine was coming because she would rather have her last hours be full of pleasant memories.
In a sense, she basically chose to let everyone else get wrecked if that meant they did not hate her by the end.
She still despises taking accountability. Why? Because it is not easy to do. Especially when so many other things have gone wrong and she feels like its her fault for those things too. She's also a coward. But her fear stems from the idea that the good things she holds will be smashed in her hands. So why hold anything at all?
Even though she battles these things, there are glimpses of a good, hopeful young woman underneath that occasionally surfaces. I like to think that this version of her is who she could have been if she were not so hurt. Unfortunately, the chance to ever be only that is gone.
But I think she can be better than that. She can understand the venom of life but also choose to not let it continue to poison her. I think she can make an absolutely beautiful character.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: She's a slow-burn development and she began the process.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: Gonna have to shake off all this guilt
SEOKJIN
"I set you free."
This character right here? This one? Yeah, he has all of my respect. In fact, it's hard writing commentary on Jin because there is so much to say I am afraid I will not say it all.
Five centuries of sitting in ruin that was partially his but also wasn't.
In hindsight, no one could have foreseen Faine attacking the palace. This was her plan from the beginning, and he was collateral damage. But I cannot imagine waking up every morning after a massacre of one's people to be smothered in gold and light and all things beautiful that does not reflect the turmoil within. To be trapped within your own body, unable to express the depth of your loss because you have to be patient, kind, and considerate when all you really want to do is scream.
At night, he was probably so furious, so alone, so devastated. He was forced to step up as a ruler when he clearly did not deserve the title. Thankfully he had a bit of diplomatic sense from his parents. But the true bottom of his suffering goes beyond Maren's and it broke him so much that he no longer wanted a throne or a title. He just wanted someone to love him and make him feel like he was himself again rather than two fragmented personas. The way to break his curse became a need.
That was why it was so easy for Seokjin to give his life in exchange for Maren's. Because he, too, made mistakes and were condemned for them and still had to learn how to live his life. And at that point, the idea of royalty was so far above him he could never reach it. He was submerged. He still is.
A deep-rooted hesitation for claiming a kingdom and a recklessness with one's life based on past mistakes... There is much for this Prince to learn.
He deserves a happy ending.
WRITER'S FAVE PART/THING: Night time Jin was special, but you know what? I have a soft spot for daytime Jin because of both personas, he was least similar to actual Jin. His heart when it was full of light is so precious. He literally could not tell Maren anything, so he showed her what he knew instead.
WRITER'S LEAST FAVE PART/THING: He's gonna need all the help he can get.
FACTS
- This story was not created to be fanfiction. I forced Bangtan into it so that I could be comfortable when writing. I use BTS as training wheels.
- A Court of Embers was planned as a trilogy. So, I know what Maren is like by the end. The process of getting her there is what I must build upon next.
- These chapters are first drafts, so thanks for not pointing out every time I missed a word. When I get excited or in the zone, I miss words
- ACoE took a week or two to formally plan and outline. Then, it took a lot of freaking coaxing internally to finish what I started
- You're incredible if no one has told you today. You do not have to be perfect. No one is expecting you to be perfect.
THEMES
"Love is the imbalance of perfection and happiness; imperfect in nature, yet, by definition, the elation of the soul."
Love does not require perfection. Being worth it does not require perfection. Being oneself does not require perfection. Happiness either.
PERSONAL CONTEXT
(AFTER)
It has been a few weeks since finishing, and since then, I noticed the irony in all of this.
A Court of Embers as a story follows the properties of a phoenix; regeneration after death, resiliency, and holding onto one's flame. I did not see it then, but in a way, it brought me back as well. All that time, I wanted to rebound. I knew that I hadn't lost my dream of being an author one day. I just needed something to bring me back to life. Then, Maren and Jin and Emberlynn--the entire new family--came along and pulled me onto my two feet.
But not only did they pull me onto my two feet, they prepared me to look my original manuscript in the eye and finally tell it that it was not too large to complete. I can write it and I know it like the back of my hand. I don't need to keep hiding it in a notebook.
Thanks to all the amazing souls I have met along the way, every single one of you, I think I can attempt to tackle the dream I've been running from.
Thank you so so so much for gifting me with your courage and your lights. I promise I will try not to waste all your support and goodness. And I don't think I will anymore. The doubts are gone.
The best I can do is write.
Thank you again. You have the entirety of my heart and a piece of the writing joy in my soul.
With love,
Milan
ANNOUNCEMENTS
A word for the wise, (I don't think any of you will, but) do not hold your breath for a sequel in the near future. There are many things I need to organize and smooth out before returning to Neverin. This includes the projects I am working on next. The manuscript takes priority.
FAREWELL
Thank you for joining me!
Be a phoenix in your own special way ❤️
Still have a question? Inline comment them here!
If not, have the most blessed day you sweet reader.
I hope you give me the chance to write for you again.