I slam the door shut behind me and stomp down the porch steps, tears blurring my vision. My feet kick up dirt as I head down the path, storming away from the house. I'm not trying to be so harsh, I just can't help it. My body has a mind of its own, controlled by how much the past ten minutes hurt.
My stomach lurches at the knowledge that I'm going to have to explain everything to everyone-- my tears, why I'm back so soon, what happened. I don't want to talk about it, ever. All I want is to be home, in bed, and to stay there for the next month. I want to pretend this whole thing never happened.
As I round the bend and pass the tall bushes that line the walk to Isaac's porch, I notice that only Kat is waiting for me, leaning against the Firebird and biting her nails, expression blank as she stares out at the woods surrounding the property. Peter's rental car is gone, as are him and Charlie.
She hears my footsteps and perks up, turning to me, face instantly falling into worry. "Oliver?"
Kat pushes off of the car, but hesitates there. She's looking at me like she's trying to understand what's wrong, like she's searching for some external explanation, hoping the obvious reasons aren't the right ones.
Tears are still falling from my eyes, so persistent that I know it'd be useless to try to stop them or hide them. I'm too embarrassed to get closer to her, so I just stop walking and shake my head, shrugging, hoping my actions display the words I can't say. It wasn't what I thought it would be. It wasn't what I wanted.
Kat hurries over and guides me against her by my shoulders, wrapping me in a hug that only makes me cry harder. I bury my face against her neck, wishing I could stop sobbing, stop making a fool of myself. One of her hands rubs my back, slow and steady, attempting to soothe me.
Isaac didn't even hug me, I realize. A father, seeing his child for the first time: no hug, no happy tears, no excitement. He didn't follow me out. He didn't even try to stop me.
"Oliver, what happened?" Kat asks, her voice soft next to my ear, filled with concern.
I take in a shuddering breath. "He knew. He knew, he knew, he always knew I was his kid." The words are so whiney, so stuffy and choked up that I don't even sound like myself.
I pull away from the hug and Kat steps back, still looking at me with worried eyes. I wipe at my face with my sleeves. My sleeves, which cover my arms, which means Isaac didn't see my scars, and never will. Just another thing I imagined him caring about.
It gives me another wave of that damn-it-all-to-hell sadness. This whole thing was a waste of time and I just want it to be over. Fuck Isaac and fuck this stupid trip. What the hell was I expecting? For me to tell him the truth and for him to welcome me into his life with open arms? Yeah right.
I finish cleaning my face and take a second to steady my breathing. It's over. I screwed up, I came here, and there's nothing I can do about it now.
"It's whatever," I say, my voice still somewhat clogged. "It's done. Where are they?"
Kat's mouth opens, closes, and opens again. She shakes her head, brow furrowing, eyes looking me over. "Peter didn't have a chance for breakfast because of his flight-- they went to get something to eat, they thought you would be a while. They should be back soon." Her quick recap is drenched in confusion, as is her next question. "What do you mean it's whatever?"
I don't want to explain myself, but the look on her face tells me she isn't going to let it go. "I mean it's whatever, it doesn't matter. My father is... probably the worst person I've ever met, with my mother trailing a close second. I have the genetics of two of the world's most ridiculous, self-centered assholes. My life has been destined to be fucked since day one, okay? That's what I mean."
"Oliver, don't do this," Kat pleads. "I don't know what happened in there, but--"
"What happened is that I learned this whole trip was pointless."
"Pointless?" Kat pauses, looks at me with wide eyes, and lets out a humorless laugh. "How can you... how can you even fucking say that?"
I'm caught off guard by the anger in her voice, a stark contrast to the gentle comfort that it was laced with just a second ago. Still, her expression is the same, concern unwavering. She isn't mad because she's mad, she's mad because she cares.
But I don't want her to care; I don't want her to waste that on me. God knows I've wasted enough of her time, bringing her here, thinking my life would change, that I would change and maybe become better, become good enough for her, good enough for Charlie. Good enough to be someone worth caring about.
"Because it's true!" I throw up my hands, gesturing to the outdoors. "Look around, Kat. I'm alone. I'm out here, and he's inside. I came all this way to meet a father who's spent the past eighteen years pretending I'm not his."
"So all that time you spent with Charlie was pointless?" Kat crosses her arms, challenging me. "You being happy-- you told me you were happy, and I know it was the truth-- that was pointless? Meeting me," her voice cracks and I close my eyes, trying to maintain my composure, "that was pointless?"
I can't respond-- I don't know how. We both know she's right.
"You look around," she continues, tone sour even as her voice wavers, "because I'm standing right in front of you and you're not alone. If Isaac wasn't worth the trip, I'm sorry. But it doesn't mean you can pretend like everything else didn't matter."
"You don't know what it's like," I argue. I want to drown in my misery, and I want her to let me. I want her to give up, to know I'm not worth the effort. "You just don't."
"You're right, I don't." She shrugs and a tear trails down her left cheek. I look away, unsure if I can keep up a tough front while watching her break down. "But I know how it feels to grow up and wish things were different. I spent years wishing I didn't get stuck with the life I did. Somedays I still do. But that's just how things are, Oliver. It's how things are, and you either accept it, or you let it destroy you."
"Yeah, or I destroy myself, right? I've done it before and I probably will again." I hate the words and how bitter they sound, I hate myself for saying them.
I was so far from what I did-- disconnected even, as if it happened to someone else, some other Oliver. This trip made it feel like my attempt was in the past and it would stay there. But it isn't that simple, is it? Things can't always be that good, that easy. Eventually, everything goes back to shit. I was kidding myself, thinking I could handle it. Thinking I would care enough to try.
I look at Kat, her hair blowing in the breeze, eyes locked onto mine. She doesn't deserve to be here, trying to fix my problems. "Just because you've accepted your fucked up life doesn't mean I can accept mine."
Her neutral expression struggles, almost turning to a grimace at my words. More tears fall as she nods, hands moving to her pockets. "I know. But I wish you would try. If not for you, then for everyone else. For Charlie. For me."
I stay silent. I wish I could come clean-- let myself cry, tell her how bad it hurts to be this disappointed in myself. Things take a turn for the worse and I'm right back to wishing I was dead. I told myself I was getting better, that I was happy and that I would try to stay that way. One bad day and all my progress is gone, just like that.
But if I told her, she would convince me it's okay. She'd help my brain back to that place where life doesn't seem so bad. Maybe I'd get happy again. Then eventually there'd be another bad day. I'll never get better. I'll never get out of this loop. And I don't want her or Charlie to have to pull me out of it every time, only to watch me go right back in.
"Maybe you really do think this whole thing was pointless." Kat wipes at her cheeks, sniffles, and blinks a few times, clearing her tears. "If it's any comfort, I know Charlie doesn't. I know I don't."
I want to tell her I don't, I don't think that, but I can't. I can't let her hope for me when there isn't any.
"I could take a thousand trips and meet a thousand people but I know that this one, that you, would always be the most important." There's a hint of a smile and a shake of her head, as if she's embarrassed. "I guess it was stupid to hope you felt the same way about me."
My chest aches at her words, and I wonder if they might actually mean what they sound like. I flinch slightly as Kat steps forward and places a hand on my arm. She pauses for a second, then leans in and presses a soft kiss against my stiff, tear-stained cheek. My heart pounds, face flushing. Even with the weight of everything else, the way she makes me feel demands to be acknowledged, taking over my brain for a second and drowning out the rest of my emotions.
As she backs away, I see fresh tears in her eyes and feel matching ones in my own. I didn't know it was possible to feel so many things at once, so much pain and anger arguing with unrelenting hope.
My breath stutters and her hand falls from my arm. She turns and heads to the Firebird, opening the passenger's door. It feels like a punch to the gut when I see why-- she's grabbed her backpack from inside and is hoisting it onto her shoulder as she walks back over.
"I can probably afford the bus fare back to Maryland," Kat says, wiping at her face, which is wet again. Still, she forces a smile, eyes studying me. My throat tightens-- she thinks this is the last time we'll ever see each other. She's choked up when she speaks again, voice tight. "I... Just tell Charlie I said goodbye, alright? And that I'll miss him."
"Kat..." I'm crying again, and I want to tell her everything. I want to say I'm sorry and confess that I do feel that way about her and a thousand other things. I want to tell her how scared I am that I'll never change, that I'll always come back to misery, that she and Charlie and everyone else would be better off if they didn't have to deal with it.
The sound of a car coming up the driveway draws her attention. It must be Peter and Charlie, which is good-- even if I dread having to tell them what happened, maybe they'll buy me a few minutes to change her mind. She can't leave like this-- I wasn't thinking straight. I tried my best to push her away and it worked, it worked and I'm the world's biggest idiot. If she's going to go, I want her to at least know the truth about how I feel and why I said the things I did.
"Kat," I ignore the approaching vehicle and face her, my mind reeling with all the things I need to say. "Kat I--"
She lurches and grabs my hand, eyes wide-- she's staring at something behind me. I turn to look and my heart stops, body freezing at the sight of the purple truck speeding up the driveway.
thank you so so much for 10,000 reads!!