Roughly two weeks had passed since you returned from Weih and you were still not back at the hospital. Kylo had not deemed you for 'fit enough' to work. Totally unjustified, in your opinion. Did three broken ribs really hinder you that much? No. Yes it hurt like shit and whenever someone nudged your side you felt like throwing up, but did that mean you had to be on actual sick leave? Yes. Sadly, yes. You personally did not agree. If it would have happened to anyone else you would have sent them home but you? No.
It wasn't like you didn't have anything to do, however. Pryde had enlisted you for a few more meetings and asked your opinion on certain medical topics. Everytime he gave you a heads up so you would actually have the time to prepare. After all you were a combat medic and could merely give your opinion on something if you had actually tested it. Or someone else, that's why you enlisted a few of your colleagues. Both doctors working on the ships, as well as other combat medics and the one or other stormtrooper.
It was rather obvious that Kylo prefered to have you around him. Even if that meant simply working on the same floor. Whenever you did decide to leave you told him. You had forgotten it once and from the scared voice of the stormtroopers that had been enlisted to find you and the faint smell of metal you did not dare to do it again.
Every night you had spent sleeping in his chambers. Slowly the nightmares had become less, instead of being three to five times a night they only were once. Then you stopped having them for two days in a row. The moment you went to go sleep back in your room however...they returned and you were so distressed that Kylo had noticed it from two rooms over.
You had not seen Rosie since then, just kept to yourself and avoided the floors she would be on. It was partially because of how angry you had been at her, but also because you felt kind of shitty for just...leaving. With every day you did not talk to her it just got worse. More awkward and you knew that you should not wait any longer, but you already had waited so long...yeah. That's why you decided to just...push it in front of you until you would eventually randomly meet her.
You already dreaded that day.
On the other hand...being around Kylo had been very relaxing. Instead of just eating dinner with him, you also had breakfast. And lunch. At breakfast he was the most talkative, usually telling you about his schedule. If he complained about a certain meeting you asked whether or not you could join him under the pretense that you wanted to learn. In actuality you just wanted to be with him, ease his mind a bit. So far he had agreed every time and from the reaction of certain officers you actually did help him. Given that the strangulation, concussion and broken rib rate had gone down.
The few times he threw someone else against the wall however you were the one to take care of them. Afterwards though. You did not dare to stand up and help someone while Kylo was still in the room.
After dinner you had resumed with your usual training sessions. It had taken you a short while to get back into it but not that long. Kylo was having a harder and harder time finding you and if you were honest...it satisfied you. Not because he couldn't read your thoughts but because he was proud. Neither of the Knights were able to get into your head, if Kylo tried and you did not watch out for a split second...he did. Every single time.
However you had also gotten better at developing that black hole of yours. It was far harder to maintain than just disappearing, but it did allow you to potentially cut off anyone from the Force. He did not allow you to continue for too long because you still cooled down, but whenever he was not present you tried it out yourself. As far as you were aware you merely cooled down to whatever the temperature was around you. IF you did not overdo it.
You closed your datapad and placed it down next to you. From how the air pressure around you felt Kylo was either pissed off at something or the Knights were with him. You stood up and held your hand against the sensor to open your door to the med bay.
You had been half right. Kylo was both pissed but there were only two Knights. That did explain it.
"Good day, Miss.", Ap'lek said.
"Day? We are in space with no sun around.", Kuruk replied and nodded towards you.
"Good...day. Still to all of you.", you stepped out of your room fully, "What's the matter?"
Kylo sighed and Ap'lek explained it to you. They had reliable information about the location of rather high profile Resistance sympathizers. Taking them out was a bit more of a challenge, as they could not send Kuruk. Now in Ap'lek's and Kuruk's opinion it was not going to be a problem because...
"I can go.", you interrupted Ap'lek, who immediately turned towards Kylo and nodded, "If you can not send Kuruk it's probably because he is Force Sensitive. I am not."
"You see!", Ap'lek said and raised his arms, "We did not even have to ASK her!"
"No.", Kylo crossed his arms, "She's not ready."
"She will not miss him. It is a clean way to solve the problem.", Kuruk added. You were surprised to hear anything other than an insult from out of his mouth.
"She is ready! She is capable and quite literally our only shot at this!", Ap'lek insisted, raising his arms a little higher as if that would somehow convince Kylo.
"No.", Kylo repeated. It made him sound a bit like a little kid. Only a bit.
"Can I talk to you for a second?", you asked him calmly. From the way he looked at you, you weren't sure what he'd say but he nodded and you opened the door to your room.
Your room was tiny and cramped on its own, with the bed on the side you had roughly a square meter before your desk started. With Kylo in it...there was barely any space left, so you stood awkwardly in the door to the bathroom.
You smiled and took a deep breath, "I won't be found out. I am capable. I will come back unharmed and no one will even know I was there. My face is...forgettable if I want it to be."
"I know.", he looked down on you, his arms still crossed, "I am not doubting your abilities."
"Then send me. Have Ap'lek or anyone wait nearby. Maybe I can mask their presence."
He shook his head, "No."
"Please. Atleast let me try! Take me to a planet, give me and Ap'lek time to hide and see if you can find us. If you can't I won't go. I won't ask you again either. I promise."
It took him a bit longer to shake his head this time. Perhaps you were getting somewhere.
"You said I was a weapon. You have to test me. Test me in an environment that you know. Something you can control."
He frowned slightly and looked down on you. It was one of those times where you wished you could look inside his head as easily as he was able to look into yours. If he'd be wearing his helmet right now it would be equally hard to read his facial expressions. It was something between worry and...well something else that you could not pinpoint.
He sighed and shook his head slightly, "Fine."
"YES!", you cheered and grinned, "Thank you!"
The Night buzzard landed on the black sands of Cedht. It wasn't a barren planet, on the contrary, there was a lot of greenery...which regularly got destroyed by one of the volcanoes erupting. It was warm, hot in your opinion but not scorching, unlike the rivers of lava burning their way through the land. Ap'lek, Kuruk, Kylo and you left the Night buzzard and took a look around.
"How much time do we have?", you asked Kylo and assembled your rifle.
"Thirty minutes headstart. You know where I'll be?"
You nodded and put your mudtrooper helmet on. Kylo had insisted on one that filtered out the gases from the volcanoes, he didn't like seeing you in it but it was the best option you had. Ap'lek and you started heading off together.
Your mission was simple. Find a spot from where you had a clear view at Kylo's destination. Wait for him to arrive and shoot the flag he was going to bring. Then you had to get back to the Night buzzard, using a speeder without him finding you. Simple in theory but you did not know how well it would work out in practice.
You made your way through the jungles and up a hill. Strategically this was one of the better locations. The only problem was the location where you'd be hiding, it was not directly out in the open but to the next jungle and the location of the speeders you did have to cross a few open areas. Kylo had promised that he'd only be looking for you with his force sense, not his actual eyes. Odd for you, you did not understand how that should work whatsoever. Then again, you weren't Force Sensitive, of course you would have a hard time understanding it.
"He's leaving now.", Ap'lek informed you and you stopped, closing your eyes. You created a sort of bubble around you, cutting Ap'lek off from the Force almost completely. He had to support himself on a tree before you could continue your way.
You took position just in time, Kylo arrived only a mere five minutes later. It was a bit too small of a time window in your opinion, but you had not anticipated that Ap'lek would slow you down as much as he had.
It was a strange feeling to be pointing your rifle at the Supreme Leader. Your mother would be proud. He put the flag down into the ground and ignited his saber. Alright. It was time.
Taking a deep breath you prepared yourself for the shot, Ap'lek next to you winced slightly. Another problem you did not anticipate. Somehow you had to eliminate your presence and his...not just cut him off. Cutting him off would be easy...this however was everything but.
It took you a good ten minutes until he was down to a satisfying size. From how he was breathing...you should not keep it up for too long. Alright. Time to take your shot, you had one go. Any more would heavily risk Kylo catching up to you before you managed to reach the speeders.
You pulled back the trigger just enough that a tiny bit more strength would let you shoot. Opening your mouth you exhaled slowly, decreasing your heart rate so the pumping in your arteries would not meddle with your accuracy. You shot. The flag burned.
"Yes.", you said quietly. Kylo had not sensed your shot. He might have heard where it was coming from though, after all the silencer on top of your muzzle did not filter out every bit of sound, "We have to leave.", you whispered and Ap'lek nodded.
"Over the ridge."
You quietly folded your rifle together so it would not be a bother and made your way to the speeders' location. Ap'lek was seriously slowing you down and keeping him in the Force bubble you created was not easy. You could not leave his side and with every minute you took longer it got harder for you to keep his connection so heavily limited. For once you were glad for the heat of the planet, it did not allow you to cool down as much as you would have normally.
Ap'lek stumbled and fell down, rolling down the hill a few meters. You could feel the grip you had on him loosen and his presence within the Force rising.
"Fuck."
A blaster hit the ground next to you. Kylo had found you. He had found you, not because you had not kept Ap'lek in the bubble, but no...because he had to fall. You removed your helmet and threw it in the black sand in anger, kicking it down the hill.
Ap'lek was slowly getting up, from how he was shaking he did not feel well at all. You let yourself fall backwards into fine sand and scoffed. What now? You felt useless. Your new purpose within the First Order had been to be a weapon. A good one. A deadly one. A unique one. In the beginning you had resented what it would mean for you, the changes and new challenges...but now? It was what you wanted. You wanted to be the secret weapon that would get the First Order its proper place in the galaxy. You wanted to help out. Explore your new purpose. Be useful. Actually useful. Not just fixing up injured stormtroopers useful. Or testing pharmaceuticals useful. You wanted to make a difference. THE difference.
But no, instead you had to wait even longer to finally go out on the field because Ap'lek had to be useless. Great. You could feel the anger rising up to, very similar to how the pressure was rising in a volcano shortly before erupting. Very fitting, given the black sand and ash you were currently lying in.
You could sense Kylo getting closer but did not make any attempts to stand up.
"I fell down. It's...draining to be around her.", Ap'lek excused himself, "I did not expect that but I am sure we can work on that until the miss-"
"There is no mission. She is not going."
"She could have done it. It was not on her!"
Your helmet landed next to you and you coughed, spitting out the grains of sand that had gotten into your mouth.
"Bah.", you wiped over your face, getting rid of it, "What did you do that for?!"
"Why did you take it off?", Kylo stood in front of you. You were almost at eye level with him because the hill was so steep. Funny normally if you would not be pissed right now.
You didn't reply and slowly got up, leaving the helmet sitting in the sand.
"Kylo, it was on me...I was not prepared."
"I said no.", he crossed his arms, probably expecting some sort of explanation for why you had taken that pesky, heavy helmet off.
"It's not fair! I did it! Ap'lek failed, not me!"
"Get your helmet. We are leaving."
"Let me do it again. Without him! You will not find me! Give me 15 minutes! An-"
"No."
You raised your arms up but let them fall down to your sides, "Why not? Because I am not capable enough? I can do that! Do NOT treat me like a child! If you were anything like Snoke was the target would already be dead!", your voice got louder and louder until you were shouting at him, "Just fucking send me on the mission!"
Kylo walked past you and up the hill to where the speeders were.
"We are leaving."
"No! You call me a weapon and you do not use me! I am useful! So send me! You have been looking for that guy for MONTHS! I know he is bothering you! Just fucking DO IT!"
"No."
"WHY NOT? IF YOU NEVER USE YOUR LIGHTSABER BECAUSE YOU FEAR IT WILL BREAK WHY KEEP IT AT ALL!"
You heard a loud thump behind you and turned around to see Ap'lek collapsed in the sand. Had you...had you cut him off accidentally?
Kylo glanced over at the limp body slowly gliding down the side of the hill.
"Follow me."
You wanted to protest but from how tense he was you did not dare to. So you did as he said and followed him up the steep hill and past the speeders to the edge of a cliff. He stared down for a few seconds before turning around and looking back at you.
You could not see down properly, nor did you want to. It was not hard to guess what would happen if you stepped over that cliff, there was no need to risk it by getting closer than two meters.
"The dark side is powerful. Channeled through your emotions but controlled by you. It allows for a far greater power than what the Light could ever offer. But you have to harness that power to strike, not to lash out blindly."
He raised his arm and with it, you. The ground disappeared from under your feet and he moved you across the sand until you were right by his side. Dropping you in front of him, he grabbed your arm and pushed you forward so the only thing stopping you from falling to your death was his hand.
You stared down into certain death. The rivers of lava were eating their way through the land like caterpillars through a leaf. Your heart rate accelerated and you held onto Kylo's arm in a desperate attempt to hold onto something, should he decide to let you go.
"You say you want to be trained like a weapon. You do not. You say I should be more like Snoke. Snoke once let me fall down a cliff just like this one, but he did not hold onto me. If I would not have been in control of my emotions and the Dark Side I would have nothing more than bloody pile of limbs and bones.", he moved you further forward, the only part of your feet that was still on the ground were your heels. A few pieces of gravel fell down and you could imagine yourself falling with them all too well.
"I can sense your fear.", he said calmly and removed his helmet with the other hand, throwing it onto the ground next to him, "Good. You should be afraid. You should be afraid of me using you as the weapon you so desperately want to be."
With a jerk he suddenly pulled you back and you found yourself sitting on the floor. Your mental state was a mess. Fear and anger were mixing itself into a horrible blend of emotions that was far more tolling than if it would have just been either of the two. You moved back, getting a bit of distance between you and the Supreme Leader.
"Get up.", he commanded and you quickly did as he said, "You want to be a weapon. Someone useful to the First Order, or useful to me?"
He waited for a bit, but you did not give him an answer, instead you were doing your best to fight back any tears and calm your racing heart down atleast slightly.
"I already know the answer to that. Go on then...if you want to be useful...cut me off."
You stared at him in disbelief and shook your head but were unable to speak any proper words.
"Close your eyes. Close them! ...Good...now focus. Focus on the fear and anger.", you could hear him walking around you. Your breath was irregular and you clenched your fists in an attempt to stop them from trembling.
"Don't lash out. Be precise."
You found Kylo's connection and did as he said. Picturing you swiftly cutting through, stopping him from interacting with the Force. Another loud thump. You opened your eyes and turned around to see Kylo lying in the sand. Unmoving.
"KYLO!"
You ran over and kneeled next to him, holding your hand over his mouth to check if he was still breathing. He was. Regular as well, so merely unconscious. Okay...you turned him towards his side into a lateral position. This is not what you had wanted. Not at all!
Carefully lifting his head you placed your bag under it as a makeshift pillow.
"I'm sorry, Kylo...I am sorry...", you raised your arm up and called Kuruk, "We are close to the speeders. Land somewhere in the valley and collect Ap'lek he's...I guess unconscious. Then get me and Kylo. He is...also unconscious. Over."
"Sure thing, Miss", Kuruk replied in his usual dry voice, "I'll get to you ten. Over."
You got up and took Kylo's helmet, placing it down next to his head.
"I'm sorry...", you repeated, still whispering and removed a strand of hair, tucking it behind his ear.
Seeing him like this was odd in many ways. The most feared man in the galaxy was just lying in front of you. Because you had knocked him out.
You held one of his hands in yours while you waited for Kuruk to get you both. A quiet groan came from Kylo and he moved slightly, attempting to get up. But he let himself fall onto his back and just opened his eyes for a brief moment before pressing his eyelids together.
"I am sorry, Kylo...", you placed one of your hands on his forehead to see how his temperature was, "You are scorching!"
He shook his head slightly, "No. You are freezing.", you pulled your hand back, but he grabbed it and put it back, "Don't move it. I have a massive headache."
That explained his poor reaction to light. You let go of his other hand and placed both of them on his forehead, moving slightly so the sun would not shine on his face.
Kuruk arrived pretty quickly, perfectly on time and you helped Kylo get up and into the Night Buzzard, that was hovering above the cliff.
He slumped down on one of the benches to the sides and you quickly took a seat next to him. He was pale, as if all the colour had been drained from him.
"I'm sorry, Sir...", you whispered but he just lied down on the bench, his head on your lap. You put your left hand back on his forehead and rested the right one on his chest. He relaxed and exhaled hearably as he the cool of your hands eased his headache.
Ap'lek looked through the door of the cockpit towards you but immediately went back inside, closing the door behind him. Atleast it was him and Kuruk that were with you...and not Cardo or Ushar....that would have been horrible.
You leaned your head back against the walls of the ship and absent mindedly ran your hand through his black mane. It was so soft and smooth, almost like a black cat's fur. Kylo's facial expression was neutral, almost as if he was sleeping. He was not though, you could tell because his breathing was a bit less rhythmic as it should be. After all you had been in his room at night for over two weeks now...by now you could tell. It would have been a lot more relaxing for you if it wouldn't be for how pale he was. As if someone had put a black and white filter on his face.
Which of you fell asleep first you could not tell, but Ap'lek woke both of you.
"Kylo...Miss...we're almost back at the Finalizer just...if you want to get up.", he said and you nodded, carefully waking Kylo. He groaned quietly and sat up, running his hand through his hair to get it into a more acceptable position.
He nodded a silent thanks as you handed him his helmet and secured it back on his head. His clothing was a bit less black than usual, most certainly from the sulfur in the sand. Atleast your armour was easier to clean, far less cloth and mostly various pieces of different metals. The sand had gotten into every crevice though and you could not wait to finally change into something more comfortable.
"I hate sand.", you mumbled and Kylo smiled at your remark. It was coarse and rough and irritating. And it got everywhere.
Annotation:
I don't think that I'll update the next few days, real life is kind of getting in the way and I really do not want the quality of the chapters to drop (anymore than they already have) just for the sake of quantity. Don't worry though I will not forget about this story and still do my best to publish the next one as soon as possible. If anyone wants to chat about this or just in general you can leave your discord names and I'll add you :)