[ NOTE: Character Name Change ]
. . .
"Driving myself into an early grave but that's okay
I could use the sleep"
FREE THROW - 'Victory Road'
. . .
Dinner was...awkward.
Oliver had given both her and Tommy a hug when he'd finally come downstairs with Thea, but the action had been stilted and unsure, as if Oliver hadn't been entirely convinced that they were both real. Cali had just clutched him tightly and taken several deep breaths.
And then they'd sat at the table, and Oliver hadn't touched the food. Cali understood, she did, but he just looked so thin that she had the strong urge to force him to eat everything she put on his plate, just to make him stop looking so hollow and haunted.
"Okay, let's see," Tommy babbled, just to make noise and fill in the silence. He was good at that. Cali just kept watching Oliver, taking in his stiff posture and the wariness evident in all of his taut muscles. "What else did you miss? Super Bowl winners: Colts. Giants. Steelers. Saints. Packers. Black president, that's new. Oh, and 'Lost'. Turns out they were all dead-" he frowned, "-I think."
"What was it like there?" Thea interrupted, leaning forward to stare at her brother. Instantly, the atmosphere in the room cooled.
Cali bit her tongue, noticing the slight flush to Thea's cheeks that indicated she'd taken something. Stupid girl. Stupid, ungrateful girl. Cali wanted nothing more than to hate her in that moment, but it melted away as memories of Thea after Oliver's disappearance resurfaced.
During the weeks and months after the 'Queen's Gambit' had sunk, Cali had been seriously scared that Thea was going to wind up dead. By her own hand or by the hand of the drugs and the alcohol and the strangers from bars.
Looking at the younger Queen sibling now, Cali could understand. She didn't like it, but she understood.
"Cold," Oliver answered, trying to smile. It didn't work.
Cali took a long drink of water. Oliver tracked the motion with an intensity that sent shivers racing up her arms. He looked cautious, defensive. He thought she was going to attack him?
She cleared her throat. "You're home, Ollie," she said quietly, and his nostrils flared before his expression settled into something a little calmer. "You don't have to be on guard all the time. I know it must be unfamiliar, and I know you don't want us to treat you like you're fragile or damaged, but you shouldn't think that something is going to attack you. You're safe now."
Oliver's face gave nothing away. "Thanks for the concern," he said easily. "But I'm just a little tired, that's all."
Cali didn't believe him, but she didn't push. She knew all too well the kind of effects trauma had on people. She had no doubt that there would be nightmares. Oliver had a long road to recovery. She would help him all that she could.
Tommy hummed slightly to break the tension. He pointed a fork at Oliver. "Tomorrow, you and me, we're doing the city. You got a lot of catching up to you. I'll even take you to the library. It's come under new management recently." He winked at his sister.
"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Moira said in an attempt to regain control of the situation.
Oliver pursed his lips before smiling politely. "Good. Then I was hoping to go into the office."
It was almost unnoticeable, the way Walter stiffened. Cali caught it, and she knew Oliver did too. Perhaps that's what he'd been looking for. Whatever the reason, she knew that Oliver had proven whatever point he'd wanted to make to himself.
Walter looked briefly at Moira, then back to Oliver, his wine glass poised by his lips. "There's plenty of time for all that. I'm sure your doctors would prefer you take some time. Queen Consolidated isn't going anywhere."
The tension returned, thick and heavy and cloying. Cali took another drink of water. "Oliver," she said gently, and his attention drifted over to her. "You don't have to prove anything to us."
His lips quirked, his smile slipping. Genuine appreciation shone in his eyes, but it faded before she could even be sure that was what it was. "I know," he responded, voice soft and lilting. He was putting on a mask. "I'm just trying to...figure out where I fit back in to everything."
Raisa returned with the bowl of pears Oliver had requested earlier. She smiled at him, and glanced at Cali. The look cost her - she stumbled after setting the bowl down on the table. Tommy tensed, but Oliver was already loving to steady her.
"I'm so sorry, Mr. Queen," Raisa said, flushing.
Oliver smiled softly, and it was the first time that Cali had seen him genuinely soften. He obviously had a sweet spot for Raisa, and relief washed over her in waves. As long as he had someone.
Oliver said something in what sounded like Russian, his voice getting lower and more guttural as he switched between languages. It took a moment before he looked back at them. Cali was the only one who wasn't staring.
"Dude," Tommy said, dumbfounded. "You...speak Russian?"
Oliver shrugged minutely, and Walter smiled. "I didn't realise you took Russian in college, Oliver."
And then Oliver said what he'd obviously wanted to say since the dinner started. "I didn't realise you wanted to sleep with my mother, Walter."
Cali felt like freezing water has been tipped over her. Of course, of course, they didn't think of that. Of course Oliver would have found out, would have brought it up, would have wanted to know.
She knew that the Oliver Queen that came home to them is not the same Oliver Queen that had gotten on that damn boat.
Moira sent Thea a glare, but Thea held her hands up. "I didn't say anything." She didn't look ruffled by the situation, but Cali knew that it was the drugs. When they wore off, Thea would implode. She'd tear herself apart, only for Cali to patch her back up, and then Thea would take more drugs and the cycle would start anew. It was the same thing every time.
Cali was tired.
She tuned out the conversation, the explanations, the tip-toeing around what everyone wanted to say. She just stared at her glass, at her hands, at the way her plate seemed to ripple before her eyes. Exhaustion ripped through her - the specific kind of tired that kept her confined to bed for days at a time.
Tommy nudged her foot. She didn't look up at him.
"I understand," Oliver was saying when she tuned back in. "May I be excused?"
Oh. The dinner was coming to an end. A disastrous end for disastrous event. What a poetic moment in time. Tommy pointed at Oliver again. "Hey, don't forget about tomorrow, buddy."
But Oliver was already halfway out the door.
Cali brought a hand up to her forehead, rubbing at her temple in an attempt to assuage the headache that was building there. Her eyes felt gritty and sore, and her entire body ached as if she were covered in bruises. Tommy kicked her foot again.
"I'm sorry," she said, looking up. Moira met her eyes, and her face softened. Cali fought the urge to flush. "I'm feeling rather unwell. May I also be excused?"
Moira nodded, her eyes dull with worry and age and something miserable. Walter graced Cali with a smile and Thea grabbed her hand as she stood up and moved away from the table. Cali didn't look at Tommy, but she could feel him watching her and knew that his grip on his cutlery would be tight enough to mark.
She shuffled out of the dining room, nodding at Raisa. "Where'd he go?" She asked in a low voice, holding her arms close to her torso. She felt sick, like the dinner had set her off-balance. It was so obvious that Oliver wasn't ready to be back yet, but Cali needed him to be back. She couldn't have this halfway-to-the-grave Oliver look at her and not see her.
Cali really just needed her best friend back. She'd gone long enough without him.
Raisa pointed silently upstairs. His bedroom. Oliver must have gone up there to steady himself. Cali understood - the dinner had left him off-balance as well. For a moment, she hovered at the base of the stairs, unsure of herself. If she went up there, now, she would be invading his space. She didn't know where his head was at. She didn't know what he needed.
"He needs to not be alone," Raisa murmured beside her, looking sad. "He has changed, but he is still Oliver, and he does not want to be alone."
Cali looking at her hands. They were shaking. "I don't know what to do," she confessed. "He's so far away. He's still on that island. I don't know how to reach him."
Raisa put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You are a good friend, Calissa Merlyn." She smiled warmly. "Your heart is good. Oliver will let you in, if you can allow yourself to be honest."
Honesty. Right. Cali had lost the ability to be honest over the past five years, and for some reason that scared her. She knew, she knew, that Oliver would see right through her lies in a way that Tommy hadn't been able to. Oliver looked with such intensity, it was almost like he expected to actually find something. Cali wouldn't be able to shield herself from him, but she couldn't just tell him about Michael.
Oliver could never know about Michael.
"Thank you, Raisa," Cali said, letting out a breath. "Could you tell Tommy that I'm staying with Thea tonight? There are a few things I want to discuss with her, and I'm rather tired. I would prefer not to have to travel all the way back to my apartment."
"Of course."
With that, Cali began to climb the stairs, each step more unsteady than the last. Her legs trembled. Something cold gripped the base of her spine, and her heartbeat grew uncomfortably fast. Oliver didn't scare her, of course he didn't, but she was scared anyway. She was scared that this dream would turn into a nightmare. She was scared that Oliver wouldn't recognise her anymore. She was scared that Oliver didn't want to be near her anymore.
Who knew what the goddamn island did to him.
Finally, finally, she reached the top of the stairs and easily navigated through the long hallways. It was a big house, but Cali had lived here for nearly two years after Michael. She knew each twist and turn like the back of her hand, knew whose room was where. She knew where to find Oliver. She didn't know where to find the courage to knock on his door.
It turns out she didn't have to. Her knuckles didn't even brush against the wood before the door was being wrenched open, Oliver stopping just short of her. His eyes were wide, assessing, seeking. Cali lowered her hand slowly, taking steady breaths so that she wouldn't be afraid of her friend.
She wouldn't be afraid of Oliver Queen.
"Hey Ollie," she said with a gentle sigh.
Immediately, he drew back, away from her. The unrestrained wild panic in his eyes receded, masked by a carefully polite blankness that stole something from inside Cali's heart. This wasn't her Oliver. This was a man who'd been alone on an island for five years with nothing comforting. This was a man who'd had to survive.
"Cali," he greeted, stepping aside so she could enter. "Is everything okay?"
Hm. Maybe he'd lost his ability to see right through her. Usually, he didn't have to ask if she was alright. Usually, he knew. Well, five years ago he'd known.
She spun around to face him, pulling a smile across her lips. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Dinner was a bit brutal."
Oliver watched her carefully, like she was something he didn't know how to defend against. "It's just strange, is all," he said casually, moving across to the window and pulling it open. Cali's deep purple dress began to twist and sway in the breeze. "I was gone for so long, and so many things have changed. I'm just trying to get my legs back under me."
Cali bit her lip, twisting her hands together nervously. "I didn't mean to sound accusatory," she said, looking up at him. His own hands twitched, as if to grab something, a weapon. She tried to make herself smaller. "I'm not going to pretend I know what you've been through, but I just...I've always worried about you. Don't think that being presumed dead is going to get you out of it."
There!
Minutely, Oliver's shoulders relaxed. Maybe Cali wasn't Tommy, but she was a Merlyn sibling, and she used to be one of Oliver's best friends. That was her way through to Oliver. She just had to be Calissa Merlyn. The Calissa Merlyn that Oliver knew five years ago, not the Cali Merlyn she'd become in his absence.
Oliver smiled, some of the forced and fake politeness fading from his posture. His face crumpled into something more casual and at ease. "You always did worry too much," he said lightly, and she huffed a laugh.
"Someone had to worry about you boys," she said. "You certainly didn't worry about yourselves."
"Why should we have?" Oliver took off his jacket. Cali tried not to stare. "Tommy and I ruled this city. We had nothing to worry about."
Cali tried to keep her expression light and happy, but she was too distracted by Oliver's body. Not in the sexy way, but simply because it was different. His face was thinner, but his torso had filled out. She'd bet that there were scars there now, poised on once unblemished skin.
Shaking her head, she filed it away to think about later. She settled herself on his bed, feeling her earlier exhaustion return with a vengeance. "So," she started, trying to keep her mask in place. "You and Tommy gonna hit up all the old spots again? He's been having such a good time on his own, I'm sure he'd love to have you steal all of his ladies."
Oliver didn't laugh, but his smile did morph into a grin. "I just wanna look around first," he answered, "but I'm sure Tommy would be more than willing to introduce me to his 'ladies'."
Cali hummed, keeping his heels off carelessly and letting her body fully relax into the comfort of the bed. For a moment, just a shining moment, it seemed almost like nothing had happened. She and Ollie, gossiping while Tommy went to steal some dessert for them all. The three of them, the power trio.
It was okay - just for one moment.
And then Cali's eyes settled on Oliver's shoulders, took in the tension that had come back to them. Her lovely illusion shattered in between blinks, and she bit back her heavy sigh.
"You look tired," Oliver said quietly, moving around and messing with all the different trinkets scattered around his room.
Cali snorted in a very undignified manner. "You certainly know how to talk to women," she teased. Oliver didn't quite laugh, but he made a small sound of amusement. Cali closed her eyes. "I'm okay. I've been working at Starling Library, and it's taken a little bit out of me recently, that's all. I appreciate your concern."
Carefully phrased, a deflection. She was doing the same thing that Oliver had done all through dinner. She could play his game. She could probably even play his game better than him. Oliver had no idea how warped she'd become in his absence. Perhaps that would give her an advantage now.
Oliver's entire body gained tension at her vagueness. Good. Let him get a taste of his own medicine. "How have you been, really? I've been gone a long time, but i haven't lost the ability to tell when something is upsetting you."
"Ollie-"
"Guppy. Please. The truth."
And then he had to go and do that.
Fuck.
Cali kept her eyes closed, because that nickname brushed against a raw point near her heart, and she didn't want him to see the tears that she was currently to swallow back. "Nobody's called me Guppy in five years," she said, exhaling steadily in an attempt to stop the oncoming sobs. "God, Ollie. You've been gone a long time."
Pressure indicated that he'd sat on the bed, by her side, and she rolled over, opening her eyes to stare at him. Raisa had been right. He had ghosts in his eyes - something had happened during those five years he'd been gone. His entire being was haunted and hollow and wounded.
He smiled at her sadly. It was such a natural look on him now - sadness. It fit the furrow in his brow, the crinkles in his forehead, the downturn to his lips. Sadness had made its home in Oliver Queen. It wouldn't ever leave, not fully.
"You didn't answer my question," Oliver said quietly.
Cali hummed, eyes slipping closed again. God, she was so tired. Her head ached. Her heart rate was sluggish and irregular. "I don't know anymore," she admitted in a faint voice, eyes slipping shut again. She was so tired.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
And oh Oliver.
Cali groped blindly for his hand. "Don't apologise," she ordered sleepily. "It's not your fault, okay? None of this is your fault, and nobody blames you for what happened." Oliver took a breath. She interrupted what he was going to say. "-Oliver, if you say Laurel, I'm going to hit you. The Lance family is dear to me, but they aren't exactly the best judge of character when they're emotional. Just...listen to me, okay? It wasn't your fault."
"Yeah," Oliver whispered, but she could hear it in his voice that he didn't believe her. "Okay."
. . .
Oliver watched his friend go lax as sleep overcame her. Her smile fell away from her face, the mask she'd worked so very hard to keep intact slipping away into the darkness. Now, her eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were downturned. She did look tired. And stressed. And on guard.
She looked like what Oliver saw in the mirror. She had the same defensive posture that he did.
Something had happened while he was gone. He knew it. He also knew that whatever had happened had scared Tommy enough that he'd completely changed his attitude with his sister. Five years ago, Tommy had been more flippant, less watchful, more lax with his concerns. The Merlyn siblings cared about each other, but it was like Oliver and Thea. There had been a small amount of distance, put there by the type of life they lived.
Five years ago, Cali would never have lied to his face and expected to get away with it.
Five years ago, Cali would never have gotten an average, day-to-day job.
Five years ago, Tommy wouldn't have let her cling to him like she was a child.
Now, though, Cali worked at the library, Tommy seemed reluctant to let Cali out of his sight, and Cali seemed too afraid to stray from his side.
Oliver let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and grabbed a blanket to cover the sleeping Cali with. He'd find out what she wasn't telling him. He was good at uncovering secrets. He had tomorrow with Tommy to ask a few questions. If that failed, he'd go to Thea. If none of them told him anything, then he'd start looking.
For a moment, he hesitated by Cali's side. He was not the Oliver she remembered.
She was not the Calissa he remembered.
He slipped out of his room again, leaving her alone to sleep.
He'd find out what he'd missed, and if any of his family had gotten hurt during his absence, he'd rain hell down upon the ones who'd done it.