Leaving hyperdrive on an Upsilon-class shuttle was amazing. They had a built in warp vortex stabilizer that made the whole ordeal incredibly smooth and not as...nausea inducing as it was on other shuttles. You still did not feel too great and closed your eyes again.
"We've landed.", Kylo told you and you could hear him stand up.
You opened your eyes. The hangar of the Finalizer looked as busy as ever. You had never seen it from this high up, or from the inside of a cockpit. Fascinating.
With a quiet groan you stood up from your chair, Kylo was already on his way out. He was carrying LZ-3's box.
"No! No! Let me carry him!", you rushed towards him but he just held the box up, out of your reach.
"No. I'll give him to a vet. You will get him back."
"Vet?", you asked, surprised, "The First Order has vets?"
"Yes."
You raised your eyebrows and lowered your arms.
"Odd. But fine...they might actually know his species so that'd help. Tell them he doesn't really like insects though. They have to feed him roden...", your throat closed up again and you looked away.
Kylo placed his free hand on your shoulder and guided you out of the Upsilon.
He handed the box to an officer.
"Do not open the box, the contents are toxic. Bring him to a vet."
The officer suddenly did not want to hold the box anymore, he held it a bit further away from himself.
"Yes, Supreme Leader."
"Find out anything you can. It's from Weih. I want a terrarium built for it."
The officer was scared before, now confused and perhaps slightly disgusted. He looked through the clear panels on the side of the box and inspected LZ-3.
"Where do you want the terrarium, Supreme Leader?"
"In my personal conference room."
You couldn't hide your smile but looked down on the floor so the officer wouldn't necessarily see it.
Kylo continued walking, lifting his hand from your shoulder but stayed incredibly close. As if he didn't want you to get lost again. You walked past the cafeteria and just how he had done it before...Dr. Escyle spotted you. That man was a damn bloodhound. Instead of bothering you, however he went back inside.
Rosie stormed out and ran towards you, she half jumped at you and hugged you. It was far too tight. You could hardly breathe and felt your knees giving in but Kylo grabbed your arm and pulled you up.
"I am so sorry! I am so sorry 24!", she turned as white as snow and stepped back, getting some distance between her and the Supreme Leader.
Kylo made sure you were standing properly on your own feet again, before letting go of your arm.
"Thank you.", you whispered towards him and turned your head back to Rosie, "It's fine, Rosie. You just pushed a bit on my...ribs..."
She probably was paler than you right now.
"I am sorry.", she said it more to Kylo than to you.
"Calm down!", you went towards her and hugged her yourself, however far less tight.
"You were gone for so long! Where were you!"
You let her go, "Living hell. I'll tell you at some point, I just have to go now."
You didn't know whether or not Kylo had anything planned for you, apart from just letting you rest perhaps...but you really were not in the mood to talk about any of what had happened.
"You have to! You are so skinny, when was the last time you ate?"
"This morning.", you said it a bit too fast and even if Kylo would not have been able to read your thoughts he'd known you lied.
Rosie, however, didn't know you quite as well and just nodded, "Alright...promise me you'll tell me."
You opened your mouth to say something. You did not want to promise that.
"Doc.", Kylo started walking again and you quickly followed him, leaving Rosie's promise unanswered and hanging in the air.
"Thank you, Sir.", you said quietly, he nodded.
Kylo's personal med bay was not the quiet usual place you knew. Instead it was filled to the brim with Knights of Ren. They sat on the bed or were inspecting various medical devices. It was odd to see them do anything else other than fighting. They were incredibly out of place and the way they played around with the devices made for a rather amusing sight. As skilled as they were in battle they were quite clumsy and inept when it came to anything else. All the funnier though.
"You found her! She's alive!", Cardo said cheerfully from his seat on the bed.
"She looks dead.", Vicrul added.
"I always look like this, how are you still surprised?"
"Move.", Kylo told Cardo and Ushar and they hopped off the bed.
You walked towards it any Kylo lifted you up by your hips, carefully placing you on it, before you could get on it on your own.
He expected you to tell him what you needed. Rest. Rest was the answer, but he couldn't just give you that.
"I think there are some nutrient bags somewhere...uhm...", you turned around, "Ap'lek. Right behind you, in that...no...one more to the left. Yes. Thank you, exactly that one."
He handed you a bag and a small device that looked similar to the one you had been using on Weih to feed yourself. You poked the needle into your cephalic vein and attached the small machine to your arm, so it'd keep pumping in the mix.
"That's hardly food.", Kylo noted and crossed his arms.
"No, but it is a great substitute."
He shook his head but didn't say anything further.
"Why are you all here?", he removed his mask and placed it next to you. You had missed his face more than you wanted to admit. While you were stuck on the battlefield you had thought about it rather often as a way to calm yourself down.
"We wanted to see if she was alive.", Trudgen's incredibly deep and loud voice sent a shiver down your spine. It was deeper than Kylo's but unlike his it wasn't as calming or comforting. Mostly just...loud and threatening.
"That is inconclusive though, looking at her face."
Of course Vicrul would make that joke again.
"How are you? I know Kylo broke a few of your ribs and caused a concussion.", Ap'lek asked, glancing over into Kylo's direction. He just exhaled loudly but didn't say anything, still standing there with his arms crossed.
"Nothing to worry about.", you rubbed your temples, "I'm still dehydrated so bare with me if I am a bit slow..."
"He also choked you. In public. Kylo, you should really save that for the bedr-"
"Shut up, Cardo. Atleast he gets some action.", you replied and immediately regretted what you had said.
Cardo raised his arms up making a 'wo ho ho' sound. Some of the other Knights laughed quietly while Kylo just stared at you in utter disbelief. His eyebrows were raised so far up, that if he'd raise them any further they'd leave his face.
You groaned loudly and hid your tomato coloured face inside your hands, leaning forward, "Well fuck me."
That had ALSO been an incredibly bad choice of words. Arguably worse than what you had said before. You were an absolute genius today, weren't you?
"No thanks, I don't want Kylo to force choke ME. Ouch! Hey! Don't hit me, Trudgen!", Cardo quickly moved away and hid behind Ap'lek.
"Yes, you two, save that for your own private time.", Ushar replied and laughed. You were still hiding your face, not daring to uncover it.
"I'll not talk to any of you ever again.", you said, your voice muffled by your hands.
"It's fine...we read your medical report. We didn't understand most but it did say 'confusion' and 'disorientation' on there more than just once.", Ap'lek said, his voice still amused.
"Which still makes you more intellectually capable than Trudgen.", Kuruk added.
"Now that is really not hard.", Cardo threw in.
"Unlik-", Ushar stopped himself and Cardo patted his shoulder.
"I have taught you well, Padawan."
"Get your filthy hands off of me. Ugh look at that, I have some weapon oil on my armour!"
"The drawer to your right, the lowest one. There's some tissues in there, you can clean yourself off.", you told him and shook your head at their constant fighting. They were amusing, you had to give them that but also...annoying as FUCK sometimes.
"Thank you, Miss.", Ushar started wiping away the tiny bit of oil that Cardo had left on his shoulder. If you would not have known about it you would not have seen the tiny spot. You doubted that it was different for anyone else.
"You have seen that she is alive. Now leave."
The Knights mumbled some 'goodbyes' and 'get well soons', then scuried off like a bunch of kindergarteners. Kylo waited until the doors closed behind them until he spoke again.
"Do you need anything?"
"No, thank you, Sir.", you didn't want to look at him. Still embarrassed about the comment you had made.
"I'll get you something to eat.", he left the med bay before you could protest.
You shook your head. That had been...an adventure. What...what the fuck had you been thinking? Not at all apparently. Why did you just...say that?! Atleast you now had something else to worry about other than the deaths of your comrades...embarrassing the Supreme Leader. How great. Couldn't you just leave your mouth shut for once? Just once?
The doors opened but it wasn't Kylo entering. It was an even lovelier face that you had missed more than anyone else's in the past month. You'd recognize that dirty orange and pale white anywhere.
"General Hux! It is lovely to see you!", you said with the most cheerful attitude.
"MD-2442. How come whenever I see you, you are hurt?"
Was he mocking you? Where was Kylo when you needed him?
"I have an incredibly bad sense of self preservation, Sir."
"Is the Supreme Leader present?"
You lifted up Kylo's helmet to show him and placed it on your lap.
"He is in his own chambers. You might have known that if you would have entered through there instead of the med bay, Sir."
What was that about keeping your mouth shut again? Not today.
You knew Kylo would come back with something to eat soon, but the General did not have to know that. No...he really should not know that. It made you uncomfortable that he had entered through the med bay instead of taking the way everyone else did. Why would he ever do that? That was just weird.
With a quick jump you were off the bed.
"I'll tell him you have arrived.", you walked over towards Kylo's door.
"Are you his assistant now?"
Again that horribly mocking tone.
You shrugged, "Perhaps. If I should end up getting promoted to that...do you mind giving me some tips?"
Hux didn't reply anything to your rude remark and just waited. You went through the door. Kylo looked at you, slightly surprised to see you in his chambers.
"Hux is waiting in the med bay."
Kylo nodded. You could feel him read your thoughts, you didn't need to tell him that he made you uncomfortable. He put the plates down on his own desk and went through the door, motioning you to stay in his own chambers.
You couldn't hear them talk, but you could feel Kylo getting slightly aggravated. Not much, but enough to notice. Given how long it took, you leaned against the nearest wall and eventually sat down. When you had left, you had taken Kylo's helmet without realizing.
You looked at it. It was odd to hold a part of Kylo in your hands. That mask was essentially him. A part, like his arms or legs. You of course prefered him without it, but that did not mean you disliked it. It had been destroyed at some point and rewelded with a red material, you didn't know which. You ran your fingers along it. What had made Kylo destroy the mask he loved so much?
You sat the mask on your knees and leaned your forehead against it. Waiting for its owner to come back and retrieve both you and it.
"I see you are taking good care of my helmet.", Kylo said and you slowly lifted your head from its resting place.
You stood up slowly and carefully sat the mask on the table, "I hope so, Sir."
He sat down at the table and shoved your own plate towards the empty seat. You weren't eating in the conference room, like you usually did, but you didn't ask why.
"I just ate, Sir.", you still took your seat.
"You pumped nutrients into your bloodstream. That is not eating."
"It's the same. I get what I need without having to spend time on it. Frankly you should switch your whole army to that method. It's really effective."
Kylo shook his head and pushed the plate further towards you, "Eat."
You sighed and looked at the food in front of you. It smelled great and you hadn't actually eaten anything in a month...you only feared that you'd just puke it up again. Kylo was still watching you, waiting for you to take your first bite. You sighed and ate nevertheless. It was incredible. It could not have tasted any better.
"I forgot that taste is important.", you mumbled in between bites. Eating much was out of the question, you were filled up far too quickly, but Kylo was satisfied atleast.
The rest of the meal was quiet, Kylo ate his own and you shoved yours towards him. He looked at the plate.
"That is far more than the half I usually get.", he noted but still took it.
"I didn't eat for 20 days, my stomach is tiny."
He looked at you and shook his head, smiling faintly. You smiled back and picked up his helmet again, placing it in front of you. Running your fingers slowly along the cracks again. They were like scars, they told a story. It probably wasn't one with a good ending, like most stories that involved scars were...but that didn't mean you weren't interested. Not curious enough to annoy the Supreme Leader with your unimportant questions though. So you just admired the design of the mask.
"Do you like it?"
"Huh?", you looked over towards Kylo, who had almost finished eating by now, "Oh. The mask?", you placed it back on the table carefully, "Yes. It's...just so much you, it's kind of astonishing, Sir."
He seemed satisfied with your answer, but didn't say anything further. He stood up and stretched himself.
"No training tonight. You need to sleep. You won't work until I say so either."
"Really? No work? I won't know what to do with myself, Sir."
"We'll find something. Now go."
You nodded and quickly went over towards your own room to take a shower and go to bed. The face in the mirror still did not seem like it was entirely yours, but it was a bit better than the days before.
You undressed and got into the shower, your hand hovered over the tap, it was trembling. Inhaling deeply you switched it on and let the water pour down on you. This was not toxic rain. It would not melt your face off. No, this was fine. There was no constant sizzling sound, just water. No disintegrating the tiles under your feet. No turning your face into black acidic goo. Just water. Water that relaxed your muscles and comforted you in a strange way.
Stepping back out you instinctively checked whether or not it had left any marks. No, still just water. Good. You dried yourself off and brushed through your unkempt mane until all the little knots were gone. Until it finally stayed in an acceptable way on your head. The bags under your eyes were still there, but there was no removing those. You shrugged. You really had different things to worry about other than the state of your eye bags.
Looking at yourself in the mirror so closely helped you to see yourself for who you were. MD-2442. Not ST-2442 that was out on the battlefield getting killed. No. You were here. You were alive. You had made it. A loud sigh escaped your lips and you switched into your pyjamas. They were comfortable and you knew that the bed would be even more comfortable...but...you also saw it for what it truly was. A way back into the nightmares. A way back on the battlefield, into the trenches. You could have stared at the toxic wasteland that others called Weih as well, it didn't make any difference.
You still took a seat at the edge but instead of lying down and trying to sleep you opened your datapad. Looking through various articles on the archives would not keep you up for long. Of course you could stay up for another 6 hours. Occupy yourself enough during the day and then what? It was going to be time to go to sleep again, that's what would happen then. Another night of skipped sleep? Possible. Highly possible that you'd make through that as well. The next day your circadian rhythm would keep you up till it was nighttime and then... eventually you had to close your eyes and let your brain rest.
It was not good to stay up for too long either, it could leave potential lasting damage. Apart from that you'd hallucinate and THAT was something you really wanted to avoid. You closed your datapad again and placed it back on the desk. The room was small enough that you could essentially reach anything from your bed.
None of this solved your underlying issue though. None of it. There was one...solution...No. No, you'd not do that. You closed the lights and lied down, pulling the blanket over yourself.
It didn't take you longer than a minute or so to start seeing mudtrooper corpses again. You quickly opened your eyes to stop the images from repeating and sat back up in bed. There...was no other solution...was there?
The doors to Kylo's room let out a quiet hiss. The lights were out but from how the blanket moved, he wasn't asleep yet. He sat up in bed and looked over at you, he was confused but as he saw you it didn't get any better.
"Doc?", he asked quietly and rubbed his left eye.
"Sir, I don't mean to...invade your privacy."
"You are standing in my room in the middle of the night.", he stopped, "For the second time."
You looked down on the floor and pressed your blanket against you, "I am...I am really sorry for that.", you took a deep breath, "Can I sleep here?"
He raised his eyebrows up almost as much as he had done before. Not quite yet leaving his face.
"Here? In...my room?"
"Yes, Sir...I...I don't want to be alone.", you said quietly, hoping he'd understand why, "I'll sleep on the floor."
He didn't reply for a good while. The automatic lights of the med bay had switched off and you couldn't really make out his facial expression anymore.
"You are afraid. Why?"
"I...", you shook your head, talking about it wouldn't solve anything, "Nightmares. Did 45 not tell you about it?"
Silence. Again. It made you rather uncomfortable and you opened your mouth to excuse yourself and go back to your own room as Kylo sighed.
"Fine."
When you entered, you hadn't expected him to actually agree.
"Thank you, Sir.", you said quietly and went next to the desk, placing your pillow on the floor. You turned around and jumped back in shock as one of Kylo's meditation mattresses was floating in front of you.
"You'll catch a cold if you sleep on the bare floor." was all Kylo said before he lied back down, pulling the blankets over his bare torso.
You caught the falling mattress and placed it on the floor.
"Thank you, Sir."
It wouldn't have bothered you all that much to sleep on the metal flooring of the Finalizer. If you could sleep in mud and puddles for two weeks you could sleep on the floor. You lied down and pulled your own blanket over your shoulders. Kylo's breathing was quiet and from how the rhythm changed you could guess when he had fallen asleep. It took you much longer to do the same.
Kylos pov?
He had her back. He had found her and he had brought her home to where she belonged. She had been angry in the beginning but had stopped rather quickly, especially after he had explained the reason for the military presence on Weih. The moment she found out it had not been him that stationed her there her anger discipated as fast as she had gotten lost. Even if she had forgiven him, he hadn't himself. She knew that. That's why she had pretended to get angry. Somehow that had helped him. It was...admirable what she'd do for him even though she had gone through living hell. She was loyal to him. No matter what happened.
The Knights were glad to have her back, it had surprised him slightly because he had thought they didn't really care for her too much. Apparently they were getting along better than he had assumed. Cardo and Ushar had been as obnoxious as they always were. Naturally. But the Doc knew how to shut them down, usually. He shook his head in amusement as he thought back to her comments. Both of them had been phrased in the most unfortunate way.
He was dozing off as the doors opened quietly. He turned around to see the Doc standing in the doorway. She was carrying something.
"Doc?", he sat up and removed a bit of debris from his eye.
"Sir, I don't mean to...invade your privacy.", she was incredibly nervous. That was easy to tell, even without reading her thoughts or using Force Sense.
"You are standing in my room in the middle of the night.", he replied, "For the second time."
It sounded harsher than he had intended. With anyone else he'd already thrown them out of the room and turned back around to continue sleeping. With her though...he didn't really mind that much.
"I am...I am really sorry for that...Can I sleep here?"
What? Sleep here? In his chambers? He raised his eyebrows.
"Here? In...my room?"
She was incredibly nervous...but not just that. She was afraid. Of him? He doubted it but searched for her presence anyway so he could read her thoughts.
"Yes, Sir...I...I don't want to be alone. I'll sleep on the floor."
It took him a good while to find her thoughts and not just the fear.
"You are afraid. Why?"
"I...Nightmares. Did 45 not tell you about it?"
He had. Kylo even witnessed how it affected her, but only afterwards. The same pictures from the battlefield again. He didn't quite understand it, given he had not been actually present, but he could see how afraid she was of them. He didn't really need to know more.
He sighed, "Fine."
"Thank you, Sir.", she said quietly. He saw her moving over towards the table and placing her blanket and pillow down. He didn't care that she didn't mind sleeping on the floor. He minded her sleeping there, so he used the Force to move one of the mattresses towards her. It was great not having to get out of bed and still being able to lift stuff.
"You'll catch a cold if you sleep on the bare floor.", Kylo replied and lied back down, pulling the blanket over his shoulders.
"Thank you, Sir.", she said as he was already drifting into sleep again.
Kylo did not know for how long he slept until he heard the Doc repeat 'No.' a few times. She was lying on the floor, holding onto the blanket tightly. Her face was distorted in a mix of pain, fear and hopelessness.
"No. No...please.", she repeated again. It wasn't loud and if he would really want he could go back to sleep and ignore it.
He sat up in bed and watched her for a bit longer before he tried to find her presence within the Force. It wasn't hard to find but he didn't like what he saw.
Trenches built out of corpses, whenever someone seemed alive they died instantly. The Doc wiped away the ID numbers trying to find anyone that she did not know, but they were always the same. ST-2441, ST-2442 and ST-2443. Each of them died the same way every time but it did not get any less terrifying. ST-2441 was shot multiple times, ST-2442 had a giant hole in his head and ST-2443 melted into the ground. Every single time the Doc tried saving them.
Then, a different corpse. Missing a leg this time, the Doc got closed trying to find the ID. MD-2442. She stumbled back, falling into the mud and water, that was slowly filling the trenches. She ran away but her own corpses piled up, blocking off the paths and slowly but steadily closed her in. Further and further until the walls itself threatened to crash her. Or in actuality, her dead bodies. She climbed out and onto the battlefield.
Kylo did not wait to see the rest but stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder, carefully trying to wake her up. In her dream she saw him as another mudtrooper that tried to save her already dying body. She pushed Kylo away, both in the dream and in real life. Her eyes were wide open but she was still present in her nightmare.
"Doc, it's me...wake up.", Kylo said softly and watched the mudtrooper mask change to black and then to his own.
"You have to leave!", she tried pushing him away, tears were streaming down her face, "No! No! I can't lose you too! Just go! Go Kylo, please!"
He pulled her towards him and into his arms, wrapping them around her.
"It's not real. Wake up.", he whispered, slowly rocking back and forth.
"No! No! I can't lose you! Not you...please...", the dream landscape shifted slowly, it got darker and darker and with the light left the mud. She was still trembling so Kylo just kept on holding onto her, rocking back and forth until the nightmare had completely faded and she realized where she was.
"I'm sorry.", she whispered and tried to move away, but he didn't let her go until he couldn't feel her fear anymore. She had stopped crying a while ago and slowly her breathing got more regular. He stood up, carefully placing her back on the mattress and put the blanket back over her.
She was so peaceful now...and so scared before. A month ago she had been able to sleep normally. Now it was his fault that she...that she couldn't. He quietly laid back down in bed and closed his eyes again, drifting off into sleep himself.
Annotation:
Somehow...the keyboard on my laptop broke, no idea how that happened I guess the guys that fixed it last time fucked something up. Anyway I had to remap 8 broken keys and now have to press ctrl, alt and then '.' to write a questionmark, as an example...I know it's not releveant to the story but it just annoyed me so much I had to complain about it.
I hope all of you have a great day and that your keyboard does not randomly break :)