I waited and waited until Jax finally walked into the room. I had returned everything to its place.
"Hey I didn't see you at lunch. Are you feeling okay?" he asked looking worried.
Okay that was sincere. Time for your first test.
"I was just worried about my brother. Do you think I will ever find him?" I asked.
His face altered at the word brother like it usually did. At first I had thought he lost a brother, but now I'm guessing he knew something about mine.
"We're in a war, I think the chances are almost impossible," he said with absolute confidence. My stomach turned.
"How would you know?" I asked. Say it. Tell me the truth. "Unless there's something you're not telling me."
His face changed color. He was nervous. I knew it. I wish I didn't, but the gig was up. I pulled out the chain with the ring. His eyes grew wide. He was scared.
"How did you get this," he whispered. "Were you looking through my stuff?"
"Well at first I thought I was part of your love triangle. Heck, when I saw the ring I thought you were married. I thought maybe that's why he looks so guilty when he's with me. Now, I wish that you were a cheating bastard then a liar!" I yelled. I wanted to throttle him!
"Wait Tess, you don't understand!" he said taking a step closer but I took one back trying to keep some distance between us.
"Just tell me this, what did you do to him?" I asked, chocking on the cry lodged in my throat.
"Nothing! I was helping him! I found this poor little boy alone and tried to keep him safe. I failed— I failed— and it's been killing me all this time! He made me promise to keep you safe during our time together. That's why I'm here Tess," he said.
"So he's dead," I said flatly. My brother was dead.
He came closer as if to comfort me but I stepped back again.
"Don't touch me please. I don't want to see you right now," I said trying not to cry.
"Please Tess, you had to know I did my best," he tried again.
"If you did your best he would be alive right now," I yelled. The tears I had been holding back came rushing out. My brother was dead! Adam was dead! Jax was there and he let him die!
"You think I don't know that! It's been hard on me too Tess! I was there! I was supposed to protect him! Dammit- he was just a kid and they took him away from me! From you! You think that didn't ruin me?!" he yelled. "Look at me Tess, do I look like I'm lying to you?"
I blinked back the tears. He wasn't lying. He meant every word. Yet it didn't stop this excruciating pain in my chest.
I shook my head. Jax then grabbed me and held me tight. I clenched to his chest and I cried until my I felt like I've let out every little thing out. I felt weak. I felt broken. Adam was gone.
When I stopped crying, Jax tucked me in bed, before he began to pull away.
I grabbed his arm. "Don't leave me."
I couldn't be alone. Not with my thoughts. I would go crazy.
"I won't," he whispered. Jax lay down beside me, holding me as I slowly drifted to sleep.
When I woke up Jax was still beside me and his arm was wrapped around me. I wouldn't mind waking up like this for a while. I stared at his face. The curl of his lashes, the bow of his lips, his hard jaw line. God, I think I had it bad for him. He fluttered his beautiful brown eyes opened.
"Hey," he said sheepishly.
"Good morning," I smiled.
"Did you sleep okay?" he asked.
I nodded my head. He was avoiding the question. Worry consumed his face. I shouldn't let him worry anymore. I spent a few hours thinking about it. I tried making him the bad guy, but I couldn't. He did all he could to save Adam. It was kind of him helping out a kid he didn't know, he could of saved his own skin but decided to help him. It put him in danger and slowed him down but he did it anyways.
"Thank you," I finally said.
"For what?" his brows furrowed.
"Just thank you," I smiled.
He kissed me on the forehead right before my stomach grumbled. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday.
Jax chuckled. "Let's go get you some food."
"I'm sort of tempted to stay like this," I admitted.
Jax looked at me mischievously, his eyes darkening. Then my stomach grumbled again. Damn you stomach! Jax started to laugh but I couldn't hold my laughter in too.
We got up and got ready for training before having breakfast together. Jax had been really attentive the whole day. He even let me beat him up a few times during training. I don't know when but at some point we held hands. People stared, pointing and whispered, but I didn't care. It felt good to be with him. It felt right.
It was as if we finally claimed that I was his and he was mine.
***
A few days have passed since Jax and I made it official.
We were practicing holds during training today. Jax had me in a tough one. I bite my lip out of habit trying to get out.
"You're teasing me on purpose aren't you?" he asked.
"What?" I was confused.
"Biting your lip. There you're at it again," he said, with a clenched jaw. His eyes staring at my lips.
"Seriously?" I asked trying not to bite it this time.
"Yes, let me focus," he said. "Stop making me think of other things."
"What if I want you to?" I raised a brow.
He narrows his eyes. "You're a naughty girl Miss Michelson."
Yes, I was. Just not in the way he thought. I got out of the hold and threw him over my shoulder. Jax hit the floor with a loud thud making me tense. That had to hurt.
I leaned down beside his ear and whispered. "Very."
Tactics 101 baby.
Jax stood up rubbing his sore shoulder. "You're such a tease."
The whistle blew confirming the end of training.
"I think you owe me," Jax said as we walked back to our room.
I raised a brow. "Really? And why is that?"
"You play dirty Michelson," he said before smirking. "I can play dirty too."
"Oh really?"
He nodded. "Don't worry, I think you'd like it."
My cheeks turned red at what he was insinuating.
As soon as we entered the room, Jax pushed me against the door and kissed me breathless. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he led me to our bed. I rigged on the edge of his shirt but Jax pulled back. His face paled.
"What's wrong?" I asked breathless.
"We shouldn't," he said.
"I know," I frowned. I wouldn't want to accidentally bring a kid into a war zone. That wouldn't be fair.
Jax looked guilty. That was not a reaction I was expecting. Something else was wrong.
"I just don't feel right," he shook his head.
"Why do you look guilty?" I probed.
"What?" His eyes widened. Yes, something was definitely wrong.
"Somethings not right. What's wrong?" I asked.
"Please let this go," he begged.
I wasn't ready to let it this go. What is he hiding from me? I can't be in a relationship with him if he wasn't going to be all in. If he wasn't going to be honest. But I needed to play it smart.
"Fine, but we're sticking our beds together. I don't want to sleep alone anymore." I admitted. I still got nightmares. It would feel good to reach over and find someone there.
Jax looked nervous, but his contemplating face finally comes to a resolution knowing this is the best deal he was going to get. He jumped out of bed and started pushing the bed to the other one.
"Wait! Let me get off first!" I squealed.
"No, I'm strong," he grunted making me laugh.
"We should probably wash up before dinner," I reminded him.
My mission began now. I started taking off my shirt exposing my sports bra watching his eyes widen.
"What are you doing?" he asked, but didn't avert his eyes.
Good. I got him right where I wanted him.
"It's not like you haven't seen it before," I said using the line he used against me the first time we met.
He opened his mouth but nothing came out. I acted as if it was nothing even though I was really, really embarrassed. The rest of the day went on with me teasing him but not letting him get farther than a peck. He was starting to loose his composure.
"If you keep doing this I won't be able to contain myself," he finally exploded.
"A kiss for a secret," I bargained.
This was how I was going to get my answers.
Jax groaned, rubbing his face harshly. "You know I can't."
"The non receiving side sucks doesn't it," I said biting my lip teasing him again.
"You..." he furrowed his brows. Yes, he was very close to losing it. Any second now... Jax leaned down ready to kiss me but I put a hand on his lips and pushed him away.
"Fine. Ask me anything except the mission," he caved in.
I thought hard, tapping a finger to my chin. Not the direction I was going for, but it was better than nothing. "When did you start liking me?"
Jax smiled sweetly as if remembering something.
"When I met your brother, he kept talking to me about you. He loved and respected you so much. Slowly I started falling in love with the thought of meeting you and just you. I started liking you. When I actually met you, you weren't like the other girls. I liked that. You always had a strong exterior, but the first time you showed me your weaker side it made me want to be with you forever and protect you. I love you Tess, no one will keep me from loving you," he said as if assuring himself also.
I had to hold back the tears pooling in my eyes. That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me. I leaned up and kissed him.
"I love you too," I said, meaning it.
"You don't have to say it back," he said quietly. I furrowed my brows. "It's okay, I'm a big boy. I can wait until you love me too one day.
I held his face in my hands forcing him to look me in the eyes. "I. Love. You. Jax. Ryder. I have for a while."
I could see the happiness and admiration sparkle in his eyes. He captured my lips with his. For once in a long time, I could say I felt at peace. I felt happy.
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