Time is relative. The more time you spend in traveling space the slower you age. It was one of the perks of working with the First Order. What was even more relative is perception of time. A normal day in the ER went by relatively fast. It was stressful and you didn't really get many breaks so by the end you were usually too exhausted to do much.
Working on the battlefield went by even faster with breaks in between that seemed to go far, far too slow. It was its own special case. The combination of life threatening situations and whether if it was yours or someone else's perception of time just changed.
Working on the officer deck was actually rather relaxing compared to your usual jobs. You didn't exactly have many life threatening situations. Especially not to your own. You did have to do quite a few surgeries though but less rash decisions because someone was bleeding out, for example.
However because the Knights frequently stopped by work and interrupted whatever you were doing, it did get more stressful. Mainly because the other doctors were getting rather curious and constantly asked you questions.
Atleast you had gotten them to not interrupt any surgeries. It made the other doctors merely curious and not angry that you just stop halfway through to go do a bit of sport, how Dr. Escyle referred to it.
Rosie was horrible these days. She could not let the fact rest that you were the Knights personal medic. She didn't believe that this was the reason for all the training. She was right, but it was not like you could tell her that. She did understand your usual 'confidential' reply a bit better but huffed and puffed everytime you used it. So far you had also managed to avoid any actual deeper talk about the whole topic, but you weren't sure how long you could keep denying invitations to dinner. Dinner being mostly made out of dry cookies and whatever juice, milk or tea she could gather from one of the kitchens.
Then there was the whole Kylo ordeal. It had gotten a habit for both of you to eat dinner together in his adjacent conference room. You really enjoyed the time you spent with him. Not even because the food was so much better but because of him...something that surprised you quite much. You weren't really one for social occasions but you caught yourself looking forward to it each day.
He was so relaxed and while he still did not talk much, he listened. You didn't really tell him many of your stories either, it felt awkward to be the only one constantly talking. So dinner was mostly some pleasant silence and the occasional discussion about training or the force. Neither of you were open enough to talk about personal matters. You didn't mind. In fact you preferred it this way. Opening up to your boss of all people was just too unprofessional.
He wasn't a friend that you could complain to about all the bullshit you experienced he was...different. Much different. You trusted him more than any friend you had ever had and probably ever will have. But you trusted him with your life, not with listening to your personal problems.
You sat down opposite of him in the conference room and poured him some water while he got the meals. He placed them in front of you and started eating.
"How is the fight on Waih going?", you asked him.
"Could go worse. Could also go better. We've extracted a few prisoners, they should know more about other Resistance refuges."
"Will they be coming to the Finalizer?"
"Yes. They arrive tomorrow."
"Will I get them assigned again?"
He shook his head, "No. You have your post. I will need you though... Vicrul said that they aren't the easiest to crack."
"So far you have gotten into anyone's head. I'd be surprised to meet someone you can't get through."
He looked over towards you, not immediately replying.
"There are few. It will be some good training for you. On that note...", he put his fork away, "I want some of the other Knights to train you."
"Aren't we already doing that? Three times a week?"
"No. I want them to try to read your thoughts."
"So you mean they haven't so far? Everytime I trained with Kuruk he was so quiet so I just thought he'd be in my head."
"No. I forbid them to. And Kuruk does not really talk."
You nodded slowly, "Alright."
By now you were fine with Kylo getting into your head, but the other Knights? Not as much. It was part of the reason you had kept your thoughts well checked when around them.
"That's why we will switch up our training tonight. You remember what I did to 'Mr. Stares'?"
You couldn't help but smile at the name but still nodded.
"I'll do that. It will hurt though."
You shrugged, "It's going to be fine. I have been running around for weeks with bruises."
"Exactly. You don't know how to take care of yourself.", he smiled and shook his head slightly.
You grinned, "That's why I have you."
He just continued shaking his head and eating. Like always he got to eat half of your food because you couldn't finish it.
Over the past weeks you had improved significantly, almost fully eliminating your presence in the force. Kylo had noticed that it affected you during everyday life as well. It was much harder for him to read your thoughts and it was much easier for you to sense him.
You both took a seat on the mats lying on the floor.
"Same as always?", you asked him.
"With the difference that I will get into your head."
"Don't you do that anyway?"
"Not like that. Reading someone's thoughts is passive. What I'll do it active.", he stopped, "You have no defense mechanism against it as you are not Force sensitive. The only way for you to defend yourself is to eliminate your force presence."
You nodded. Completely disappearing from within the Force was incredibly though. So far you had only managed to do it thrice.
"Alright. Go invade my mind then, Sir. I have nothing to hide.", you laughed awkwardly, "That is not true. Just go for it and don't let me think too long about whatever bullshit you will find up there.", you pointed at your head.
"There is no need to be nervous.", he smiled.
"I totally am not."
Lying to him was useless and you had given up trying to do that a long time ago. Sarcasm however was still fine.
You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. Almost immediately you were ready. In the beginning you had still given him some sort of signal, but he knew you well enough by now to not need one.
Recently you had started to feel him searching for you and similar to a game of cat and mouse you had shifted your main presence to another place. There hadn't been one time where he hadn't found you however and it was just the same today.
But instead of just knowing where he was you could feel his presence invading your head. You bit your lower lip, the pain got you to concentrate a bit better and you managed to get away from him. Your triumph did not last long and he was almost immediately back.
Trying to escape him was useless as he was basically everywhere. You saw a few flashbacks to your homeplanet and then without forewarning all you could feel was pain. A scream got stuck in your throat and you pressed your lips together as hard as possible to stop yourself from making any sound.
You saw yourself when you were young, your father carrying you up a mountain. The first time you shot a rifle, how he had explained to you how to disappear from the Force. The first time you had seen a Vornskr. And the first time you had met one up close. It's yellow eyes reflecting the light in the dark. Its hot breath as it got closer and closer and finally your dad's knife that went right through its throat only inches away from your face. How he had held you and comforted you afterwards, carrying you back home. And then your mother's angry face. How she had shouted and scolded your father for not watching out. For not locking the door. But he had locked it. He had, it was your mother that came home late that had forgotten. You just wanted to go after your brother.
Her face when you corrected her. The face seething of anger for daring to say a word and then the worry that crept over it. Suddenly all you could see was fear from both of your parents. The lights of the village that all turned on. The adults leaving and searching. You didn't understand. It didn't make sense. Why did they go look for your brother? Why did they go look for him if he was already gone? It was too late now.
Your father and mother coming home a few hours later, carrying the now cold body of your older brother. It was bloody and parts were missing and his eyes looked just as dead and lifeless as they had when it was still warm. The Vornskr standing over it, enjoying its meal. You had watched it. Seen how it had ripped open your brother's throat. You weren't able to do anything. You had told your brother that it was dangerous to go outside. Especially for him.
He was just so... so bad at hiding. Not once had he won a game of hide and seek. Not once. And going out at night was like playing the most dangerous game of hide and seek, because the Vorskr didn't just shout 'found you'. No. They growled. They growled and they seemed to smile just before they ripped out your windpipe.
Your mother didn't say anything that night. She went away in the morning, back to the bigger city and worked. She worked so much you just got to see her on weekends. You didn't see her smile again. Not until you first got to see your younger brother. He was just as vulnerable and frail as your older one had been. Just much, much smaller. You knew you had to protect him.
Life flashed in front of your eyes again and the pain got worse. You could feel the sweat dripping down of your forehead onto your pants. You heard yourself wince.
Blood. There was so much blood on your hands. You held your father in your arms. He looked up at you but his face was just... it was gone. Not there. You couldn't see it properly. His hand moved up to your cheeks, wiping away the tears that were falling down onto his bloodied torso. You pressed your hand onto his wound, helplessly trying to stop the bleeding.
Again. Your mother's angry face. Why...why did you only see hers and never his? A distorted grimace that tried to defend herself from your accusations. Why. Why had she never shown you how to care for people? If she would have been there, if she would have taught you how to save him. She could have taught you, but no. Every time you had asked her to show you she didn't have time. She spent it differently. Every time you had brought home money by selling Vornskr pelts she had been mad. That it was the wrong choice for you. But she had never once made an attempt to teach you her ways. Not once.
If only...if only she would have. You could have saved him. But she hadn't. She had not even mourned, marrying her boss only a few months after your father's death. You saw a calendar. The day of the wedding marked in red with flowers painted around it. You saw your mother dressed in white, but you didn't see the ceremony. Instead you saw red again. The red blood of the Resistance fighters you killed. They had murdered your father. You murdered them.
You screamed out loud and collapsed sideways onto the floor, holding your head and curling yourself into a ball. Tears were streaming down your face and your heart was beating so loud you couldn't even hear your heavy breathing.
Your nails were digging into your arms and you whimpered. You could feel Kylo's heavy hand on top of your shoulder but you just curled yourself further together, trying to forget everything that had just flashed through your mind.
Kylo grabbed your hands, stopping them from drawing any more blood than they already had and sat you up carefully. He pulled you against him and just held you, softly moving back and forth. You were quietly whimpering, pressing your face into his chest.
"I am sorry, Doc.", he said quietly and pulled you closer.
You shook your head slightly, your tears getting soaked up by Kylo's shirt. He moved his hand up and started running it through your hair. You closed your eyes, sobbing quietly. It was over. All of what you had seen had already happened. You couldn't do anything about it anymore. It just had all felt so...real...as if it had happened right now.
You didn't know how long Kylo held you close and petted your head but eventually you calmed yourself down enough to speak.
You moved away slightly so you could look up at his face. He was sorry, you could easily tell. Before he could say it again though you shook your head.
"I'm fine.", you said and tried to wipe the tears away but he stopped you.
"No. You are not. I am sorry I should not have dug so deep.", he let go of your hand and wrapped both of his arms around you again.
"It's fine. I'll be fine. I got through it once.", you smiled weakly and he shook his head.
"You are a weird one, Doc.", he started running his hand through your hair again and you closed your eyes, "You are so caring to anyone but yourself."
You chuckled quietly and shook your head, "I am just caring to my patients. I have no idea how to care for anyone else. Ask Rosie."
"That's not true. I know you care about me."
You froze and looked up into his dark eyes. Of course you...cared about him. He was your patient. You cared for all of them after all, did you not? But he wasn't a patient anymore, was he? No. No, he wasn't. He was much more by now. He was your superior, always had been. But now he was your trainer. The guy you met with every night. The one that always ate half of your food. He was also the one person you trusted the most. He was right. You did care about him.
You rested your head against his chest, "I guess I do."
You thought about what you had seen and almost started crying again. Losing your father had been the worst thing that had happened to you. And it was all because of your mother. Also the Resistance but mainly your mother for failing to teach you even though you had asked her many times.
"I fucking hate her.", you said quietly and Kylo stopped petting your head.
"I know."
You chuckled quietly, "I told you to not let me think about all the shit you were going to find up there!"
"I am sorry. I went too far."
You shook your head, "Didn't you say the Dark side is fueled by emotion?"
"Yes."
You wiped away your tears and sat up straight, "Let's do it again."
He looked at you as if you had just lost your mind, "No."
"Yes. Why not? We should atleast try it!"
"No, Doc, we are not doing it again."
"Yes we are! If I am already in this shitty of a state I might as well use it."
"No."
You closed your eyes and focused on the literal void inside you. The void your mother had left when your father died. The nothingness. The pain. Within the blink of an eye there was nothing left of you apart from that big hole. Nothing. As if you had fully dissolved. It was an odd state and you opened your eyes to see Kylo staring at you. You immediately stopped.
"I said 'no', Doc.", he was not amused.
"I am sorry, Sir.", you replied quietly and looked away. It wasn't really possible though because he was still holding you.
"You are ice-cold.", he shook his head.
"I don't feel cold. So it worked!", you said triumphantly.
"It worked, yes. But if I say 'no' it means 'no'. Do you understand?"
You didn't reply. No, you did not understand. It had worked. It had worked marvelously and you would have never found out if you hadn't tried it now. You moved away from him and he let you go.
"Stop. We don't know how far this can go."
"It worked.", you said, "And exactly, we don't know where this is going to go! I can use this!"
"No. You can not use it. You have no idea what you are doing."
"Neither do you!", you stood up, "I have heard how the Knights were trained! Do you not think I listen to your conversations! You are going too easy on me! I know what all of you went through! Snoke threw you off a cliff! Just because I have some weird power does not mean it does not come from the Dark Side! And you should train me like it!"
"You don't know anything." His voice was stone-cold and so were his eyes.
"Well I know that I could improve much more and faster if you'd-"
You fell down on the floor, screaming in pain. Again. The same pictures flashed in front of your eyes. The blood that dripped on the floor from your brother's corpse. Your mother's angry and disappointed face. Your hands on your father's abdomen, pushing onto his blaster wound. Your mother's angry and disappointed face. Not angry at your father's death but at you for caring so much.
Your brother's little face, sleeping so soundly in his crib. Then again, the cold dead eyes of your older brother and the Vornskr standing over him.
"STOP!", you screamed, only getting amplified by the pain now threatening to make you fall unconscious.
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!"
The borders of your vision already blackened. The same pictures. Again. And again. And again. The pain was only getting worse. You concentrated on it, watched the pictures closely. Your mother's red face. Her standing over your bed at night, calling you a failure. A murderer for what happened to your brother. How you would never amount to anything. How special he had been and how you had ruined it.
You screamed again, this time in anger and not in pain and without a warning it stopped. There were no pictures in your head anymore. The dark borders on the edge of your field of view disappeared. Your heart was still pounding so much it threatened to jump out of your chest, but you couldn't hear it.
You rolled to the side, your hands were ashen. Even the usual blue of the veins running below your skin seemed to have lost all its colour. You slowly got up on your knees and supported yourself on the wall.
You looked over towards Kylo, he was still sitting on the floor. As you exhaled you could see your breath hanging in the air. You fell back down on your knees, only barely managing to catch yourself.
Kylo stood up and left the room. That was fair, you had gone against him. You didn't resent him for it after all he had warned you. You still felt accomplished. You had had a theory and experiments supported your claim. It had worked.
You let yourself fall towards your side and stared at your ashen hands. Slowly you started to feel the cold. Your body started trembling and your teeth clattering.
Kylo threw a blanket over you and picked you up from the floor, carrying you towards his bed as if you weighed nothing at all. He sat you down and got a second blanket, wrapping it properly around you.
"Thank you, Sir.", you said quietly, your teeth still clattering.
"Let me make two things clear: When I say 'No' I mean it. You are to listen. And secondly: Unlike Snoke I care about my apprentices.", he ruffled through your hair, "Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir."