"Warning": This is platonic. No lovey-dovey. The only gay thing here is Stony.
You: Hey.
Tony: Hi.
Steve: Hello.
You: Uhuh. So is it a boy or a girl?
Steve: What?
You: I know you guys are adopting. So, 1? 2? 3?! Teen? Toddler?
Tony: How in the hell did you-
You: It's funny how no one remembers my powers. So, I assume you gonna surprise the team. Can I come with? I wanna give input.
Tony: Fine.
Steve: No. This is something we want to do privately.
You: EEEEH! I'm so excited!
Natasha: Why are you excited?
You: Uhhh...I'm going on a date.
Clint: Y/N's getting laid? High five.
You: No, ew, you're disgusting.
Nat: Mhhhmmm, good luck then.
You: Ok, so I'm going to the park, I have a date with a stray cat. Ooh, can I adopt a cat? You have the right to a child, I want a dog, i changed my mind in the 2 seconds I was talking I want a dog now.
Tony: Ok?
You: Yay! This is gonna be great. Besides, it'll distract the team from the real surprise. If you show up with a kid, no one will suspect a dog!
Steve: Are you being serious right now?
You: No, I'm joking duh, I'll distract them with the kid AND a cat- ok seriously though I will distract them with the pet. Wait, big or small dog?
Tony: I personally don't care.
You: I'm gonna go on patrol first.
Time Skip brought to you by me, you geniuses:
As you sit on a rooftop, patiently waiting for a sound that indicates any form of crime, spidey joins you.
(You do not know of his identity)
Peter: Hey.
You: Hi.
Peter: So, I was thinking. We're both friends, right?
You: Yup.
Peter: And we're both trustworthy superheroes.
You: You can say that.
Peter: So what if we revealed each other's identities.
You: Oh, ok.
Peter: Ok. On the count of three. 1.
You: 2.
Peter: Tres.
And you both slowly take your masks off.
You: Jesus! You look much younger than I thought!
Peter: My name is Peter Parker. I'm 15.
You: That explains it. Well, I'm Y/N L/N. 23 (Idk).
Peter: By the way, it's so cool having an Avenger as a friend.
You: Thank you. To be honest, I find it weird how they think I'm the weakest link yet I contain the power of knowledge. It's a bit inconsistent but it's cool. I can also fly, conjure spells. Doctor Strange is the only one who beats me on that level. Not even Thor's lightning matches me. It's honestly annoying. Does anyone in your life know you're Spider-man?
Peter: Just my friend, Ned and my girlfriend MJ.
You: What about your-your family is dead.
Peter: How did you- Right, power of knowledge.
You: Sorry for your loss...es.
Peter: It's okay. I'm alright now.
You: Say, what type of dog should I get?
Peter: You're getting a dog?! Sweet.
You: What breed would you recommend? I don't care about the size.
Peter: Ooh, get a baby Golden Retriever.
You: Awww. Yeah, okay. Wait, so you're an orphan?
Peter: Yeah, basically. I used to live with my aunt but she died of cancer.
You: Well, that's sad. See you soon.
Peter: Later.
And so you both go on your way.
Time skip brought to you by the flow of plot:
You: Hey. What are you all arguing about?
Thor: Who the strongest Avenger is.
You: Ok, and why are Nat and Clint part of this conversation?
Nat: Haha. Very funny. And how strong do you think you are?
You: Sometimes I genuinely wonder if you all have short term memory loss. You know what? Let's let the Universe decide.
Whatever it is you think
Pick out the weakest link
Clint: Now watch him get- OOHHHH!
Clint collapses onto the floor.
You promptly magically lift Natasha out of her seat.
You: Don't question me again I don't want to scare the dog.
Everybody: THE DOG?!
You: Yes. Allow me to present you, FLOWER! She's a female Golden Retriever. She's a bit feisty. So she's a bitch in both ways. I hope none of you are allergic?
Nat: I thought you had a date.
Clint: Oh, so you didn't get some. Not surprised.
You: No, sorry if I did not have sexual intercourse. I didn't mean to disappoint you, you pervert. Where are Stark and Rogers?
Clint: They're upstairs, probably-
You: Preparing the surprise? Because they're not fu-I shouldn't have said that.
Bruce: A surprise?!
Thor: Would you look at this adorable creature? It-
You: She.
Thor:...She, is soooo cute.
Thor, gets down on one knee and starts playing with the pup.
Thor: Whatever their surprise is, it is definitely not as good as this.
You: That depends on who you're asking.
Thor: *sneeze* *sneeze*.
You: Oh shit, you're allergic.
Thor: What? That is imp-*SNEEZE*.
You: Abracadabra. It's gone now.
Thor: Since when are you this powerful?
You: Sometimes I wish I could just go to a parallel universe where none of you are so clueless. OUCH! The fuck?! My head.
Tony: Everybody, Steve and I would like you all to welcome our son, Peter Parker.
Whilst Nat, Clint, Thor and Bruce rushed towards Peter to welcome him. You stood there in shock.
You: PETER?!
Peter: Oh hey, Y/N.
Tony: How do you 2 know each other?
Peter immediately gives you a face that signals that you shouldn't tell him about Spider-man.
You: I visited his orphanage once.
Tony: Really? And what's it called?
You: St. Bernard's Orphanage for boys and girls.
Tony:...Ok then. I'm sure you'll be able to welcome him. I suggest you get some rest, kiddo. Y/N, please show him in his room, it's-
You: Upstairs, 1 left, third door.
Tony: Yes. That one.
Steve: Dinner's in an hour, Peter. See you then.
Peter: Thank you.
In Peter's new room:
You: Hey! So I'm your uncle now?
Peter: You are?
You: I mean, Natasha just told you to call her Aunt Nat and Clint, Thor and Banner insisted you call them uncle soooo...
Peter: I'm so excited.
You: Ok, now let me tell you about Clint's obsession with pranks and Bruce's with experiments.
Peter: How did you know about the orphana- knowledge power.
You: It is hilarious how much they forget. That is literally how I stopped Thanos from finding the soul and time stones. But that's a story for another time.
Peter: We have an hour.
You: You need to sleep.
Peter: Do I look 8 to you?
You: Fine, let me tell you the tale.
1 hour later:
Steve: Y/N! PETER! DINNER TIME!
Tony: Hmmm, this looks and smells delicious *peck on cheek*.
Steve: Well, if you behave, that's not the only thing I'll let you eat.
Tony: We have kid to take care of. No sex yet.
Steve: *chuckles* The one time I ask you.
Tony: I'll go get 'em.
Tony: KID! Magic Man! Where are you?!
10 minutes later:
Steve: Where have you been? It's been 10 minutes, the food's getting cold.
Tony: I can't find them. They're gone.
Clint: Have you ever heard of hide and seek.
Tony: The one reason you can't prank me is because FRIDAY is most loyal to me. She told me they just...vanished.
I pulled up the security footage and they just...disappeared.
Steve: How is that even possible?
Tony: I don't know, but something's wrong.
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