Lisa | Broken
Broken.
I felt so broken and I hated it.
I hated the battle in my chest that would leave me in constant pain and discomfort. I hated the sickness in my stomach and the knot in my throat that I struggled to swallow. Hated how every time I laid in bed, I realized falling asleep is inconceivable. And, in those sleepless nights, I would find myself trying to search for any kind of reassurance that everything was going to be fine.
But, I knew it was only wishful thinking.
"Are you two almost done sucking faces? I want to go home already," I —tried to— tease. However, I immediately felt more weight fall on my chest when all I received from the pretty brunette was a giggle and a throaty moan following after.
The quarterback, Junhoe, someone who I once considered my best friend but ended up losing that friendship the moment high school began because of reputation, slid his dirty, meaty hands down Jennie's ass and squeezed the flesh.
I looked away and fought an eye roll. I felt angry. They had only been together for three weeks and this live porn show had been going on everyday.
Everyday after school, I would walk Jennie to her locker. And, every damn time, Junhoe would show up and attack the lips I always wanted to taste. And Jennie would love it every single time and forget that I was waiting for her.
I'm always waiting for her.
So, yes, I was angry. But not only from
the situation, I was angry at myself for falling in love with my best friend. But, I couldn't help but feel relieved for feeling angry. Anger and hate always blocked out the overwhelming sadness I felt.
I huffed and turned away, not wanting to witness anything between the two any further. It hurt, oh God it hurt. "I'll meet you at the car," I muttered under my breath before walking away. I was exhausted both mentally and physically.
But, I hadn't even stepped out of the hallway when Jennie suddenly called our for me. "Lisa wait!" And being extremely weak for that honey like voice, I stopped but refused to turn around. I couldn't help wincing towards the sound of the last little smack of their lips before holding in my breath hearing Jennie's light footsteps tap against the tiles from behind.
"Sorry," she panted out.
I turned around to face my weakness and smiled,
"It's okay, let's go?" I asked while holding the door open for Jennie. I was desperately trying to fight back the cry that was bubbling up in my throat from the sight of Jennie's hazy brown feline eyes, flushed rosy cheeks and her swollen pink lips. The sight was killing me and Jennie would never know. Especially when she held my hand and guided us outside together.
"So, when are you going to get your license?" Jennie suddenly asked, breaking the new kind of silence between us. It was never quiet in our car rides, but ever since Jennie had begun to grow popularity and date Junhoe, something had changed between us. But I refused to believe it.
With a sly grin, I chuckled, "Getting tired of my presence already?" I teased, ignoring the way Jennie had let out a breath of relief and softened her smile. The brunette flickered her eyes towards me and playfully narrowed them.
"Impossible," she stated before focusing her attention back on the road.
Was it really impossible Jen?
"I mean, I guess I can't live without you either," I breathed out, acting as if I was cringing at the idea. She smirked,
"Oh really now?" She challenged.
"Yeah you're cool," I casually said with a Jennie gawking afterwards. She immediately began to swat my arms,
"Take that back Manoban," she laughed out. I squealed and tried to block her hits,
"Help! I'm getting assaulted by a raging cat!"
"Keep that up and I'm dropping your tiny ass off right here right now."
I guess we're back to normal.
Or so I thought.
"You coming in?" I asked, unbuckling my seatbelt. Normally, after school, Jennie would come over and do her homework with me. But it looked like she had other plans, seeing as she was fiddling with her fingers and sending me a smile that looked apologetic. I looked into her nervous eyes that seemed to be glazing with regret.
I didn't know why.
"Can't today, my mom wants me home tonight," she said before looking forward and clearing her throat. I gripped onto the door handle with the lack of further explanation.
She was lying.
I forced out a smile, "Oh okay, I'll call you tonight then?" I asked. I held in my breath as relief washed over her tensed features before she gave me my favorite smile of hers. It was the kind of smile that always left me lightheaded and the reason for my heart skipping a beat.
It was when her eyes would squint, her cheeks would puff out and I would have a glimpse of her cute gums. I always called it her beautiful gummy smile.
She nodded, "And I'll answer, trust me." I chuckled while opening the door. I slide out, shouldering my bag and bent down to smile at her,
"I trust you Jennie," I said. My tone was full of sincerity because I genuinely trusted her. She was someone I love and was my best friend after all. But, seeing as her body tensed up and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, something stirred in the pit of my stomach, something bad.
I trust her.
I trust her.
I trust her.
I trusted her.
"Mom I'm home!" I yelled out.
"I-in the kitchen." The way she stuttered mixed with the emptiness in her voice, I knew something was wrong. I quickly dropped my bag on the floor and rushed into the kitchen.
My heart was racing but in the worse way possible.
I walked in and took in a sharp breath seeing my mother whimpering into my fathers chest. He had a stoned look but his eyes screamed out pain. His jaw was clenched with his eyes brimming as he continued rubbing soothing circles on my mothers back.
"What happened?" I whispered, afraid of breaking more than I already am. My mother slowly sat up and held my fathers hand. She sent me a pained look and reached for me to take her hand.
I was scared.
I cautiously placed my hand in hers and she immediately held on tightly with a single tear escaping from her sorrowful eyes. My father reached over and took my other hand but kept his pained eyes down to the floor.
"What's going on?" I asked, my voice was laced with confusion and fear. The anticipation was slowly killing me from the inside. I kept on reassuring myself that it was okay and that maybe it wasn't something too serious. But the moment my mother opened her mouth and spoke, I felt my whole world crumbling before me.
"Your grandpa died last night."
"Your grandpa died last night."
"Your grandpa died last night."
The man that I considered my role model, my best friend, the one who accepted me when I came out, the one convinced me to tell my parents, the one who I loved so much was gone and never coming back.
He's dead.
He's —
"You're lying," I whispered. I felt sick. A knot suddenly formed in my throat and I couldn't breathe. Everything was hurting. "You're lying!" I repeated with my voice raising higher than intended. I ripped my hands out of my parents grasp and wrapped my arms around myself when my blood had suddenly ran cold. The room was spinning, my stomach was churning, I was going to vomit.
"I'm so sorry baby girl ," my father finally mustered out. Stray tears had slipped down his cheeks as he stood up to hold me. But, the moment he tried, I quickly turned away and rushed out of the kitchen with my hand over my mouth.
I pushed the bathroom door open, causing it to slam against the wall, creating a dent, and immediately rushed towards the toilet. I fell on my knees and knelt over it, emptying everything that was left inside me inside the bowl. My throat burned from the acid and my chest tightened from the pressure. I coughed horridly but that coughed turned to whimpering and that whimpering turned to sobbing and I no longer had control in it.
I fell on my butt and leaned my back against the tub. I pulled my knees to my chest and dropped my face into my knees as my sobs wracked my whole body. I felt weak, my heart was weak. My mothers words continued to repeat in my head over and over again and it was becoming unbearable. It was hard to process. Especially when pain was surging through my body and clenching my heart.
I needed Jennie.
With shaky hands, I took my phone out of my pocket and looked down at my lock screen.
I felt a tug in my heart as I stared at the picture for a few seconds before unlocking my phone and calling her. I lifted the phone to my ear and tried to steady my breath as I waited for her to answer.
You've reached Jennie! Sorry I couldn't answer the phone right now! I'll try to call back as soon as I can!
Leave a message after the tone.
-Beep-
"Nini, I need you. P-please call me when you can," I choked out.
I tried calling a few more times but she never answered.
I slid my hand to my chest and gripped onto my shirt as the pain was becoming to overwhelming. It was paralyzing and I just needed my best friend to hold me.
I needed Jennie.
But she didn't need me.
I decided to go to mine and Jennie's ice cream shop to distract me. With little convincing, my parents allowed me to go out and clear my mind. I needed it. But not as much as I needed my best friend right now.
The closer I walked towards the store however, the more the uncomfortable feeling grew in my now empty stomach. Something didn't feel right. And, the moment I walked right in front of the glass window, my premonition was right.
Because, there she was, with her beautiful gummy smile, laughing at what her friends were saying. She was leaning her head on her boyfriend while the other girls in front of her continued talking.
She lied to me.
But that's not what was hurting the most.
She brought people to the place she told me she would never bring anyone who isn't me there.
I swiftly brought my phone to my ear, trying to call her to see if she'll actually answer as I entered the ice cream shop. I held in my breath as she looked at her phone,
"Oh my God, she won't stop calling," she groaned out.
I stopped walking.
Junhoe chuckled and draped his arm over her shoulder, "Just turn off your phone," he said. Joy laughed and nodded her head,
"Or just tell her to leave you alone, you're clearly busy with us," she stated. I gritted my teeth as Jennie laughed and agreed which caused my tears to blur my vision. Nayeon shook her head,
"Oh come on, Lisa's cool," she defended with Irene nodding her head in agreement. Junhoe rolled his eyes,
"Whatever, can't believe you're still friends with her," he said.
I've heard enough.
"Neither could I," I said. They all turned their heads to me and widened their eyes in surprise. Joy awkwardly looked away while Junhoe just shrugged and leaned back against the chair. I scanned my eyes towards Irene and Nayeon who stared at me with guilty and sympathetic eyes.
I don't need their sympathy.
Jennie abruptly stood up, "L-Lisa!" Her eyes, those feline eyes held regret but also looked distant. I stared at her intently and waited. I waited for an explanation but all she could do was stare at me, opening and closing her mouth not knowing what to say.
There was nothing to say.
She lied.
I needed her and she lied.
I looked over at Junhoe with a tight smile, "actually Junhoe, you don't have to worry anymore, Jennie and I aren't friends," I numbly said. Jennie's eyes turned glassy,
"No, wait!" She pleaded. I ignored her and turned around, exiting the place that use to be my safe haven but now became my hell.
"Lisa!" She gripped my wrist but I immediately yanked them off. I turned around and stared at her with blank eyes,
"You lied to me," I stated. She flinched and looked down at the floor. "I trusted you," I whispered. She immediately looked up with scared eyes,
"I'm so sorry," she said. But as she scanned my eyes carefully, she widened them and tried to take a step towards when she noticed the emptiness in them but I only took a step back. I needed space from my weakness. She sighed,
"Please, can we just talk?" She asked. I shook my head and turned away from her which must've aggravated her. She groaned in annoyance,
"See! This is why I didn't tell you! You always get all sad and moody whenever I hang out with my new friends! Let's be real, you're not always going to be the only person in my life and I can't always be the only person in yours!" She yelled out. I stopped.
My heart had just ripped and was screaming in agony. My throat had tightened up and my tears finally slipped out of my eyes. They were falling relentlessly. She didn't need me anymore. I was just a burden.
"So, our ten years of friendship means nothing to you? Got it," I whispered out, failing to hide the vulnerability in them. I heard Jennie intake a sharp breath. I cleared my throat,
"So, I apologize for being a burden in your life. But don't worry, won't happen again because you're no longer part of my life. I'll stop bothering you," I said, taking rushed steps away from her.
"W-wait, Lisa!"
Broken. I felt broken.