AMERICA'S POV
I wake up with my head resting on Steve's chest, the two of us tangled in sheets. I can't believe I'm going to wake up next to him forever. How is this my life?
"Hey, Mer," Steve mumbles, pulling me close. I close my eyes again, soaking in the moment. "How did you sleep?"
"No nightmares, so well. You?"
"Well. Merry Christmas, by the way."
I almost forgot. "Merry Christmas." I slide out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I come back,I sit on the bed and give him a kiss on the head. He resurfaces from under the blankets and smiles up at me. "I wouldn't get your hopes up, though. What time's our flight today?"
"Eleven. What time is it now?"
I check the clock and am shocked by what I find. "Nine thirty. I slept nine hours straight. That never happens."
"Really? That's great." He sits up and stretches. "Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that you weren't alone?"
"I don't know. If it did, that would be amazing," I say, shrugging. "So thank you."
"You don't need to thank me. We help each other."
There's a moment when we just stare at each other and enjoy the quiet of mid-morning. But we have things to do, and both of us know it. Once we're on the plane and in Malibu, then we can just focus on us.
The ride to the airport isn't long, and soon enough we're standing in line waiting to walk through metal detectors and onto the plane. I haven't been to an actual airport since... My blood runs cold.
Since I left Hydra.
I suck in a shallow breath and my hand snaps back until it finds Steve's. I hate planes. I forgot how much I do. I've never liked flying much, even in the Quinjet or clinging to Thor for dear life. It's terrifying, and it takes me back to a really desperate time in my life where I had just ditched Bucky, ripped a tracker out of my arm, and stole money to get away. I was a coward.
"You okay?" He whispers in my ear, gently pushing me forward in line.
I nod a little, still not completely sure. "Um, yeah, I'm fine." We get through the lines and are walking towards the jet when I realize I've completely left Steve behind. He's at least thirty feet behind me. I must've sped up subconsciously while freaking myself out. "I am so sorry!" I exclaim as soon as he catches up to me.
"It's fine, I've gotten used to it." He gives me a small, side grin. "I'm serious - are you okay?"
I shrug and close my eyes tiredly. "Yeah. I just... I hate flying, I hate planes, I forgot we'd have to do this to get to Malibu, and it just reminds me of Hydra."
"Doll, I'm sorry, I didn't know," he says, blue eyes filled with the sadness I hate to see in them. He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Do you still want to go?"
"Yes," I say, shaking my head vigorously. "It just caught me off guard for a minute."
Once we're on the plane, I grip Steve's hand tightly, not letting go until we're safely in the air. He turns to me. "You know what? We haven't been spotted yet."
"That's a miracle, when you think about it," I reply. No media, no cameras. Apparently our secrets are better kept than we thought. His phone rings, and his expression changes immediately when he recognizes the number. I look at him quizzically, but he just holds up a finger as if to say 'hold on' and answers.
"Hello? We've been gone for three hours and you guys are already calling?... I'm not mad, I'm just saying... Okay... We're not coming home, there are enough of you there to handle this... If it gets really bad, call. Otherwise, we're not contactable for the next two weeks... Give us some time... Merry Christmas to you, too... Goodbye." He sighs as he hangs up.
"What is it?" I ask immediately. "What's wrong?"
"That was Sam. They got a lead on Rumlow, a pretty good one by what he was saying. Also, Wanda says Merry Christmas."
"Rumlow... really?" We've been looking but haven't been able to find anything. I just want to get him back for kicking me where I was shot.
"Yeah. They're looking into it. He told us not to worry. He just wanted to keep us informed."
"I'm definitely going to worry now," I joke, laying my head on his shoulder. "But they're okay?"
"Yeah, they are. We have a few hours on this flight, do you wanna watch a movie?" We settle on a Christmas movie marathon and we both get eggnog from the flight attendant. What a traditional holiday.
By the time we get to Malibu and off of the plane, both of us are so exhausted that we don't even feel up to exploring Tony's tropical house. We resolve to do it first thing in the morning, and instead climb into bed. I let Steve wrap his strong arms around me and drift off for a little while, but I wake sometime in the middle of the night without him holding me anymore. I glance over, and he's sitting up in bed.
"Why are you still awake?" I mumble into my pillow.
He hesitates, but he's clearly been thinking about something. "I woke up, actually. But Mer, can we talk about something?"
"Yeah." I push myself off of the pillows and yawn, cracking the two of us up. "What's on your mind?"
"This is going to sound like a weird time for this, but I was just thinking about something the priest said yesterday and I was curious. We never talked about it before the wedding. So, um, I was wondering how you felt about kids. Not now!" He quickly adds, mistaking my silence for distaste. "Just someday."
"I know what you meant," I say slowly, not meeting his eyes. A sick feeling fills my stomach. Dread. I trace the patterns on the bedspread to distract myself, trying to figure out how I can say what I really want to.
"Then what do you think?" He's nervous now, too, nervous about my sudden shift in mood, what I'm going to say. I am, too.
I let out a long sigh, close my eyes, and bite my lip, steeling myself to share one of my deepest fears. I've never told anyone this one before. But Steve and I don't have secrets. He's my husband.
"I... I don't know if I can." If he's shocked, it doesn't show. He's as quiet and patient as ever, waiting for me to go on once I'm ready. I swallow before starting my explanation. "I... I don't know the extent of what Hydra did to me. I still don't remember most of when they were experimenting on me and turning me into a Super Soldier. I just remember a lot of pain..." My voice trails off at the end, and I wipe a few stray tears off of my cheeks.
Steve looks at me with such tenderness and compassion that the tears actually overcome me, and I spend the next fifteen minutes sobbing on his shoulders. "I want kids so badly, but I just don't know," I whimper into his chest. "I'm so scared that they did something to me, and I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!"
"Mer, it's okay," he whispers, stroking my hair comfortingly. "It's okay. I promise."
"No, it's not. What if I can't?"
"Then we can't," he says simply. "Or we'll adopt. We aren't in the best profession to be parents anyway, doll. There's no stability, no safety."
"But-"
He shakes his head. "No buts. How do we face everything?"
A lump grows in the back of my throat, and I fight more tears. "Together," I say quietly, looking into his eyes. "We face them together."
"Right. If that's a problem, we'll face it when we get to it. For now, though, I want to enjoy every single moment with you." He kisses me softly, and I kiss him back, wondering whatever it was that I did to deserve a man like him.
I don't have that much to say. Hmm...
Updates: I finally updated 'Hooked on a Feeling' and my first few chapters of 'A Spark of Gray' are also up. Other than that, the new Star Wars movie is pretty great.