This is the chapter upload you guys have all been waiting for, finally here and ready to be read. Although, like many of you know, I'm pretty sucky at updating consistently, so if you are a little hazy on the story as of now due to the long gaps in updating periods, here is a little summary before you get started:
(Feel free to scroll down and begin the chapter if you remember everything)
((Also stay tuned for the author's note at the very end of this chapter, and by the way, if you're on your computer then you can probably see the very dramatic Drew crying gif on the side, so yeah))
Summary of a decent amount of of chapters:
Drew and Hailey are at the record store by themselves on a Monday, finally returning after the very dramatic weekend in which too much took place, like Hailey and her mom's fight, a slight cuddling session, Drew's mom finding out about Hailey, a little trip over to Millie's, a small family dinner, the reveal of Drew's brother Kyle and his letter and the fact that he's usually up to no good, Drew's mom agreeing to let Hailey stay at their house, a lot of rain, and now boom, they're at the record store. Odie went on a family vacation and won't be there for the week, so they already knew that they would be alone. The rain lasted throughout their time at the shop, and resulted in a flash flood warning they heard from the radio. They were not too worried, until the lights went out. They searched for candles, found them, lit them, and exchanged stories about their past before dancing. They came very close to a kiss until Drew pulled himself away, and Hailey flipped out slightly, before realizing it was because of his secret. He then revealed his very tragic and depressing secret to Hailey, that included fire and his dad's car shop, and Ally not surviving. Luckily, while they were carried in an ambulance, a paramedic was able to restart her heart, and then there were brief moments of Drew in the hospital. And now, without further ado, here is back to the present with Hailey and Drew.
Chapter 28: He Was Looking Right Through Me
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The Present: Hailey
"Now you know."
The words were rushed and harsh as they fell from his trembling lips, like bombs exploding brutally into the silence of the record store and leaving behind a wreckage of despair. "Now you know my secret; now you know everything."
He was so lifeless, so still; his body recoiled into a shameful forward slump, the feeling of suffering and regret endlessly flowing from within him and filling the air. I could feel it every time I sucked in a quick, painful breath- the emotion between us too strong and too evident to ignore.
My heart felt wretched as my mouth attempted to create the words being produced in my mind, but nothing came out and the more I tried the more restless I became.
"Drew I- I-"
He pulled his hands away from his face for only a moment, maybe a second or two- but it had been enough. I had seen a mere flicker of his eyes; a glimpse into complete darkness that left me feeling cold and terrified. It was almost as if revealing everything to me had not only killed him, but tore open his body and ripped out his tired, broken soul.
"Just say it Hailey." He whispered breathlessly, "Just say it."
But I had nothing to say. As I sat on the floor of the record store, legs embedded roughly into the carpet, palms sweaty, fingers shaking, my throat ached with unspoken words for the tragically beautiful boy in front of me.
I realized in that moment, that there could never be words that could express my agony, my grief for what he had gone through. There could never be sentences that would be anything but weak attempts to fill the void produced by Drew's secret, obtained now by not only him, but me as well. Nothing I could ever say would be enough.
But, I had to do something.
I had to make Drew realize that the broken heart beneath his rib cage grew flowers from its cracks rather than weeds, that the monsters he held inside of him were not something he had become, that the light he no longer saw in his eyes had never really left him- I had to make him realize that he was loved.
That he was loved, above all, by me.
When I spoke up again, my voice had not yet been pieced back together. I was ragged and unstable, weak and quivering, my mind plagued with images of Drew's suffering. It was enough to send me over the edge, and I had to choke back a sob, because this was no time for crying, at least not on my part. Not anymore. "Drew," I whispered, "Drew, please look at me."
He was only a foot or two away from where I sat, legs crossed, and yet, as I reached out to place my hands atop the ones he had placed back in front of his eyes, he could have been worlds away.
I wrapped my fingers around his own, and found that even in the warmth of the flickering lights which still danced around us, he was cold to the touch. Nothing could stop the trembling of his hands, even as I held them, gently pulling them away from his face. It was then that I met his empty, unwilling, and hopeless eyes with my own. "Drew-" I began, until he interrupted.
His voice was filled with daggers, and when he looked at me, really looked at me now as he spoke, his whole persona sliced right through me. "Stop," he cried, his shoulders heaving forward, his slim fingers yanking away from my grasp, "Just stop- I hate myself, Hailey, I hate myself."
I felt like I was watching him drown. Like he was in the ocean, the sharp slash of the waves dragging him under, him gasping for breath as the salty water tore down his throat and devoured his insides. I felt like he was yelling out for me, begging to be helped, to be saved, but I was just watching him. Doing nothing.
He was dying, slowly killing himself with self loathing and pain, right in front of me. And I didn't know how to stop it.
Every part of my body ached. I never knew that anything could ever hurt so bad, without having any physical wounds to show for it. But, I knew that if my body could somehow reflect everything I was feeling right then, I would be battered, bloody, and broken- torn to shreds so small that almost nothing would remain.
"Don't say that Drew," My heart pounded in my chest as I took his hands in mine again, this time not giving him the chance to pull away, enclosing his fingers so tightly around my own that it brought pain to my palms, "Don't say that about yourself. You don't deserve this-"
"Yes, I do, Hailey." His eyes were filled with tears as his voice became hoarse, cracking as he spoke. He looked down at our hands woven together when the tears began to fall, glistening with hurt against his cheeks. "I deserve to be like this, I deserve to be this horrid mess of a person."
"You're not a mess Drew, you're one of the strongest people I know." I loosened the grip of one of our hands to reach up and gently wipe the tears that were falling to his chin with my thumb, letting my hand rest against his cheek. He closed his eyes then, his lips quivering just the slightest. "You saved your sister that night, she's alive today, right now, breathing, all because of you."
He didn't open his eyes when I told him this, but he didn't move away from my fingertips that still rested against his face either, and I could tell that once again he was battling with conflicting emotions. His need for comfort and understanding not yet overpowered by the hate he held within him so long that it had become apart of his structure, his bones, his soul.
"That's just the thing though, she's not breathing, Hailey, not the way she's suppose to- and she's definitely not living." He finally opened his eyes again, and they were laced with red as he started to choke on the words escaping from his lips, "After the accident, she spent two months in the hospital."
As he went back to his past, his memories, and spoke them aloud like he had a little while before, it was almost as if he was transferring us right to that specific time. Almost as if I had experienced it myself, gone through everything he had gone through with him, right at his side.
Even now, I could imagine a younger, two year old version of Ally, with hollow eyes and puffy cheeks and a body covered in scratches. I could hear the steady hymn of beeps that resided softly in the background of a hospital room, I could feel the white sheets of a bed beneath my fingers, smell the ghastly scent of cleaner. I could see Ally's small frame, frigid and still as medicine pumped through her veins, surrounded by the harsh echoes of cries that came from her family at her bedside. I could imagine Drew holding her hand, looking down at her, and whispering that not everything was okay right then, but that it would be, someday.
"She hadn't been burned by the fire like I had. She had been protected by that pile of rubble that I pulled her out of, but by that time, the smoke had almost entirely consumed the inside of her lungs." He shook his head as he relived the scene in his mind, wishing for it to go away. My heart continued to shatter, snapping into smaller bits over and over again with every part of his story that he revealed. I don't know how he could have ever survived this long, feeling like this, yet, tens times over.
"The doctor said that she would never be able to live a normal life after that. The smoke damage was so extensive to her little, still developing lungs that they would be permanently damaged forever." His face contorted into something unrecognizable then, as he began to gasp for breath during a fit of sobs that had just started to surface. I felt useless, trying to calm him in ways that weren’t working: wiping the tears from his cheeks, placing my hands on his shoulders, massaging his hands between my own, all failed attempts to remind him that I was there, I was there, I was there. That I was there for him, and wanted him to feel better at any cost. I even tried to speak, hoping to coax him back into a reassured, more relaxed state of mind, but he was losing hold on his surroundings, and his thoughts were beginning to run so dark.
He was speaking in a blur of words, rushed and incomprehensible, sorrow stricken and relentless- he was having a panic attack. “She had to carry around an oxygen tank for almost a year, she can’t be like the other kids, she can’t play tag or play soccer or become a cheerleader, she can hardly even walk around for more than a little while without her chest heaving and her eyes watering. She’ll never be able to take a full breath again, she can hardly fall asleep without choking herself awake, I’m in the next room over and I hear her- choking choking choking with coughs. She has to take medicine, every morning, every night, every morning, every night.. over and over. My parents are constantly seeing doctor after doctor, but they all say the same thing, they all say they can’t fix her, they can’t fix what I did to her. She’s a walking time bomb, and one day, she’ll give out on us, and it will all be my fault my fault my fault. And my mom will say to me the same thing she said on the morning after the accident, her words spurting out at me like bullets, leaving wounds on impact. She’ll say, what did you do, Drew? What did you do? And I won’t be able to answer her, because I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t know that life could have so many consequences, Hailey, oh my god, I- I didn’t know, I didn’t know-”
I didn’t know how to stop him. He wasn’t even looking in my direction anymore, it was like I wasn’t even there.
“Drew, please, please stop-” He was digging his fingernails into his own arms, not even taking notice that they were beginning to bleed. His mind was too focused on a different sort of pain to even realize what he was doing to himself. “Drew, look at me, you’re okay you’re okay, stop, you’re hurting yourself-”
I was right in front of his face, trying to pull his hands away from his arms, but he was so much stronger than I was and he was looking right through me, and so I began to scream, screaming screaming screaming, “Drew! Look at me, I’m right here!”
“Look at me! Remember where you are, Drew- I love you, I love you, I love you.”
And then, he saw me.
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Okay you guys, that was fun. I have finally received that inspiration I have been looking for, and I'm ready to get back into writing and taking this story seriously again. In fact, I'm writing more later, but it's currently around three thirty AM where I live and I was just so excited that I had written that I needed to upload it. I hope you guys are as excited about MRSR as I am, because what's coming up next will be quite interesting.
Anyway, yes, this was short, but at least it is a serious chapter that I'm proud of. (Once again, sorry to the 100 people who read that god awful accident chapter I uploaded a while ago, I'm completely disregarding that within the story as though it never happened, so please try and forget about that.)
So, finally, make sure to vote, comment, comment, vote, or comment, or leave any thoughts or questions you may have. And make sure to come back for the next chapter of MRSR (actually happening soon this time, I swear)!
-Elizabeth