"Are you really not going to tell me what happened?" Payson pouts from across the table, eating another spoonful of her salad. "Everyone's already talking about it, so it's not like you can deny it."
"There is nothing to tell, because absolutely nothing happened." The first 4 periods of the day were super slow and agonizing, however the students were all hype about the supposed fight this morning in the parking lot. "It's petty drama. Garrett gave me a ride to school and Samantha saw me getting out of his car. She came over to claim her property. That's it, there were no fists or hair pulling involved." Honestly, rumors get blown way out of proportion these days. The average teenage life is so boring that they have to involve themselves in others. Samantha and I barely spoke twenty words to each other and everyone is acting like it was an all out brawl between the two of us.
"Wait, rewind." Payson chirps, sitting a little higher in her seat. "Did you just say that Garrett gave you a ride to school. I thought you didn't like him?"
"I don't. We ran into each other this morning and he offered. I didn't want to be rude," Which isn't entirely a lie, I'd just rather not talk about the fact that he lent a shoulder to a hopelessly pathetic girl.
"You didn't have a problem with that in the hallway yesterday," She smiles. "Are you two going to turn this into a habit? You know, running into each other and then hitching a ride to school?"
"Absolutely not," I reply a little too quickly causing her to laugh.
"If you say so."
After lunch, the rest of the day seems to speed by in a blur. Payson had to constantly repeat herself due to the multiple times I zoned out. She tried super hard to catch my attention, but my mind just seems to be elsewhere. Towards the end of class, she gave up finally realizing it was a futile attempt. When the bell finally rings, I walk out of class alone.
Instead of going straight home, I decide to explore a little. I haven't seen much of the town besides my street and the school. There's not much to check out, but walking helps me clear my mind. I know when I get home I'll have to sit and talk with my mom until we find common ground, but I don't have the patience for a conversation we've had plenty of times before. We both know how it's going to turn out, but instead of facing it we're just delaying the inevitable.
The town is simple and quiet, which is beginning to grow on me. The city was always comfortable for me, it's what I grew up to know. But this town is peaceful. It's not filled with giant, twinkling lights or the sound of traffic. Instead you can hear the crickets in the distance and feel a faint breeze in the air.
I wait until the sun starts to go down before I turn on heel and decide to head home. I want to deal with this sooner rather than later, so we can put this behind us and move on. The walk home doesn't take to long, but it gives me time to prepare what I am going to say.
When I step inside the house, all the lights are off indicating that mom probably decided to go off to bed already. However, as I pass the living room I notice a figure lying on the couch.
"Mom?" I whisper with a cautious step forward.
"You're home," she smiles as she sits up right. "Did you have fun at the park?"
I take a few more steps forward, preparing to correct her, when I smell the liquor radiating off of her. "Have you been drinking?" To say I'm shocked would be an understatement. After last time, I didn't think she would result turn back to this.
"Of course not, Sweetie." She slurs, reaching for my hand. She looks up at me with tired eyes, "Why do you hate me?"
"I don't hate you."
"Yes you do." For a fraction of a second, I can see her eyes swimming with emotion before she falls back on the couch with a heavy sigh. "I'm tired."
"Then let's get you to bed," I say with the fake smile that I had perfected years ago. I help her up the stairs slowly, careful not to make any quick movements that could trigger her fragile stomach. Once in her room she collapses onto her bed with a quiet thud.
She reaches up and twirls my hair a few times. "Why are you so sad?"
Instead of answering, I shake my head to clear it of all thoughts. Almost immediately after, her quiet snores fill the room. I pull off her tennis shoes and place them in her closet before grabbing her night clothes. I undress her and redress her, a routine I've done a thousand times since I was eleven. I grab the small garbage can from the bathroom and put it beside the bed, along with a glass of water and bottle of Advil. I sit it on the nightstand and kiss the top of her forehead before leaving the room, turning the light off behind me. I leave the door cracked slightly, just incase.
I work on my homework and study my notes for tomorrow's test, willing all of my thoughts away. I try to keep my mind busy so after homework I decide to clean the downstairs and cook dinner for one. My mom most likely won't be joining anytime soon.
I roam the cupboards so I can make a list of things we might need and maybe walk to the store later. In the very back of one of the cupboards, I find a stash of liquor, rum, beer. All the alcoholic necessities. Before I can stop myself, I grab a hold of every last bottle and carry them to the sink. One by one, I pour them down the drain. Once they're all empty, I sit them on the counter where I know she'll see them tomorrow and then rush upstairs to make a shopping list.
I can almost imagine the hell I'm going to receive tomorrow, but at this point I could care less. She probably spent the majority of her paycheck on those bottles when she barely makes enough for us to get by as it is.
I keep the list small, only writing down the things we need most. I grab some money out of my savings and walk to the store. The walk is short and I only spend a few minutes weaving through the aisles to gather the items I had written down. While checking out, I notice a sign hanging in the window.
"How old do you have to be to work here?"
"16," The lady replies. Once I pay, I fill out an application before grabbing my bags and walking back home. The walk there wasn't bad, but when you have multiple bags weighing you down, it's a lot harder.
After putting everything away and doing the dishes, I head up to my room and decide to watch a movie. I'm usually not a movie person, I prefer to watch a series or listen to music. With movies, you're missing half of the story because they have to fit everything within a small time frame. It's just not worth it most of the time. But since I'll more than likely space out, I choose a random movie and press play.
About halfway through the movie, I receive a text from Payson.
"Want to hang out, I have popcorn and ice cream?"
"Sorry, can't tonight. Super busy. Rain check?" I reply.
"Sure, I'll see you tomorrow..."
I huff in frustration. With a loud crack, my phone hits that wall and falls to the ground noiselessly. And for the second time today, I cry.
I try to tell myself that it's okay. I'm a big girl, I've gotten through this before and I can do it again. No problem. But the self reassurance does nothing to ease the pain. Instead, I find myself curling into a ball underneath my giant comforter, which is anything but comforting. My hand shoots up to cover my mouth while I cry. My face is sticky with tears and there's nothing I can do but wait for the fit to end. And eventually it does. With past memory's invading my thoughts, I slowly drift off to sleep.
"Daddy?" I whisper. It doesn't sounds anything like me, but it is. Seven year old me scurries across the stained carpet, scared. "Daddy?" Mom left earlier in the day and dad has been drinking since. I think they had another fight. Fear continues to pulsate through me as I call out again, "Daddy, where are you?"
With tears running down my small pinks cheeks, I make my way down the stairs one big step at a time. When I finally find him, he's sprawled across the couch with a beer clenched tightly in his fist. "Daddy?" I whisper, causing him to look up at me. The frown plastered on his face flips into a smile that reaches ear to ear, sending chills up and down my spine. I will myself to run away, but I don't know what that smile means. Not yet.
"Come over here, Sweet Pea," My fear fades as I close the space between the two of us, tip toeing quickly. "Daddy wants to play some more." He places both hands on either side of my waist and lifts me up onto his lap.
I shoot up out of bed, tears mixing with sweat as they drip down my face. Untangling myself from my sheets, I shuffle my feet in the direction of the bathroom. After splashing water in my face a few times, I go back to my room in search of my phone. Picking my phone up off the floor, I assess the damage of last nights tantrum. The phone is cracked almost beyond use so I'll probably need a new one, but for now I'll have to deal with what I have. My fingers begin dialing an all too familiar phone number, but I stop myself before clicking call.
Taylor, the therapist my mom hired for me as a child so that I could work out "my issues", always insisted that I call the moment I wake up from a nightmare. She wanted to gather every last detail of each and every dream before they could escape my memory. However, the nightmare's stopped almost 2 years ago and I've since moved away and dropped all contact. I never liked therapy, but I did it for my mom who claimed that it made her feel better.
Once I'm officially settled down, I decide to get ready for school. No need to dwell on past memories. I slip into a pair of black jeans and my favorite pink sweater, along with my brown knee high boots. After doing my makeup and brushing through my hair, it's about time to leave for school.
Grabbing my backpack and phone I make my way down stairs and out the door. Halfway down the porch steps I consider going back in to check on my mom but knowing her, she'll sleep the day away. I'll just have to check in with her when I get home.
I find Payson in the cafeteria when I get to school and take a seat next to her. "Good morning," I say.
"Morning," she replies without taking her eyes of the magazine she and Jessie are currently reading. "I missed you last night, I had to eat all that ice cream and popcorn by myself."
"And by herself, she means she wouldn't share with me," Jessie cuts in.
"I'm sorry, I wish I could've come over but something came up." I reply, not wanting to elaborate on the issue, especially with Jessie within hearing range. Payson looks up at me expectantly, but sighs when she realizes I'm not going to say anything.
"The bell is about to ring, we should get going." Payson hands the magazine over to Jessie and stands up, walking away as she slips on her backpack. I run to catch up with her, practically tripping over my own feet. We walk to first period in silence and when we take our seats, she stares straight ahead not bothering to start a conversation like she usually does.
I try multiple times to grab Payson's attention, but she continues to ignore me. I know she's upset about me not coming over last night, but I couldn't go over there and watch a movie like everything was okay because it wasn't. Everyone has personal problems, why should I have to explain myself because I couldn't make it over for a movie night. Halfway through class my phone vibrates. Knowing it's my mom calling to yell at me, I ignore it and make a mental note to call her back during lunch.
When the bell rings I pick up my bag and follow behind Payson to our next class. I sit down in my designated seat but Payson moves to an empty seat closer to the front of the room. I inwardly sigh as I take out my homework from the night before and turn it in. A few minutes into class Garrett walks in and hands the teacher a small piece of paper before taking a seat beside me. This earns me a disgusted look from Samantha.
"Hey," he whispers quietly. I acknowledge him with a nod, not wanting to risk getting yelled at for not doing my work. "Why isn't Payson sitting back here?"
"She mad at me," I reply hoping that he'll leave me alone.
"Why?"
"I don't know, why don't you go ask her." I snap, annoyed. It's not that I'm angry with him. I'm just upset that after finally escaping my drunk mother, I come to school to find out that my friend of two days is already done with me.
"I was just asking, you don't have to bite my head off." With that, he takes out his book and starts on the assigned problems. After a few minutes of silence, I continue with my assignment, finishing with plenty of time to mentally punish myself for ruining what could have possibly been a great friendship.
The day continues on as if I wasn't slowly dying of boredom. I had planned on calling my mom back during lunch, but my mind was preoccupied with other more important matters, such as how to fix a friendship. Payson hasn't said a single word to me since this morning and I've been avoiding Garrett as if he were the Spanish flu, because being an asshole and the spanish flu are technically the same thing right?
When the final bell rings, I watch Payson walk out of the classroom before slowly following behind.
"Claire," I hear someone call from behind me. I turn around and see Miss Kelley walking towards me with a smile. "How are your classes? Are you settling in okay?"
I wait for her to catch up before falling back into step with her. "They're good. The teachers are nice, the students are welcoming."
"Great, I knew you would fit in just fine. Hows Payson?" She asks.
"She's good. She's been super helpful and she's a great friend." I reply with a smile, leaving out the fact that we might not even be friends anymore.
"That's fantastic! I knew I picked the right person for the job." She continues to turn down another hall, "I would love to stay and chat, but I have a meeting I have to get to. Stop by my office sometime and we can talk!" She quickly scurries away and I continue on my path out of the school.
As I walk down the hall I realize that I'm the only one still wondering through the school, in no hurry to get home. I already know that there will be consequences to dumping my mom's expensive prized possessions down the drain, but she is not going to throw away our only chance at a new start and being happy for the first time in a very long time. Once she sobers up and has time to think rationally, she'll realize that I wasn't doing it out of spite. I was doing it to protect her.
I feel a cold breeze hit my face as I open the doors leading out to the school parking lot. It's mostly deserted by now, but there are still a few lingering cars with students hanging around talking to their friends for a while longer. Towards the back of the lot I recognize a familiar black car, it's owner leaning against the hood with his arms crossed. I step forward, ready to apologize for snapping at him this morning, but stop short when I see the petite brunette bouncing around in front of him. Not wanting to cause any more problems than already exist between Garrett and Samantha, I continue to walk out of the school parking lot and begin my journey home.
Silently dreading going home, I wipe my sweat covered palms against my faded black jeans. I've had plenty of fights with my mom, usually about Ian. But this time, this time it feels different.
6 months. That's how long it took for her to fall off of the wagon and I can't help but feel as if it's somehow my fault. I'm the reason my parents are no longer together and the reason that she spends her life slaving over bills, barely making enough for the two of us to get by. She has nothing and she resents me for it. Although I'm not sure why because I'm the one who's always left to pick her back up off the ground. I fix the pieces and we move on together. I never thought that she would resort back to her old drinking habits. At least I hoped she wouldn't.
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