We were a little dysfunctional, but I think that's how we both liked it.
We were together for six years, which was a lot longer than most high school relationships lasted. It was constantly up and down, like we were stuck on a roller coaster and couldn't get off. Everything would go fine for a few months and then suddenly it would all come crashing down. I would tell him that he's absolutely fucking crazy and he would call me an over-emotional bitch, but I didn't even care.
Ashton would scream and I would throw things at him and in the end we would both realize how wrong we were and cry about it.
But I didn't want to trade it for anything. Ashton was everything to me, I loved him more than anything I'd ever known. He always told me that I was his whole world and I believed him. We'd fight and then two hours later we'd be back in each other's arms, crying about how sorry we were.
I honestly thought that it was going to be like that forever, but I was wrong.
One night in late April changed everything. He'd made some comment about us not having enough money and I blamed him for not having a good enough job. The screaming didn't stop, the tears never came, and Ashton and I were still fighting with each other in the morning.
Ashton packed up this things and left, he said that he didn't need this anymore and things weren't working out for us. I told him that I wasn't happy with our relationship anyway, so that was fine. He agreed and that was the last I heard from him. I didn't stop him, because I felt the same way.
I didn't think that we could work this out. I thought that it was a good choice for Ashton to leave and I didn't want to see him again. I knew that no matter what we did, we'd always run in circles like this, and I didn't want that. I felt that way for a long time, until very recently.
I began to miss the feeling of Ashton's arms wrapped around me at night, and I missed waking up in the morning to the sounds of him playing his music too loud while he got ready for work. I missed when he would call me during the day and tell me how much he loved me, and I missed the way we would lay on the couch for hours every night watching old movies. I wanted him back, but there was nothing I could do.
Ashton left eight months ago and I hadn't heard from him since. He never called to see how I was doing, he never came back to our apartment to collect the rest of the things he left behind. I didn't know if he moved out of town or if he was still somewhere nearby. It was like Ashton had completely dropped off the face of the Earth, and I was regretting not going after him when I had the chance.
I left my apartment early in the morning that Saturday to go get coffee and pick up a few things from the store. I got my mail as well, and the only thing in there besides a bunch of bills was a letter in a plain white envelope with my name on it, no return address.
I took the elevator up to the fourth floor, where my apartment was located, and scrolled through my phone as I walked down the hallway. If the person standing outside of my doorway hadn't coughed and broken me out of my trance I wouldn't have noticed them at all.
"Ashton?" I finally whispered, staring up at him. He was standing outside of my door, his hands in his pockets, as if he had been waiting for me.
"Murphy, hi." Ashton smiled back at me.
I swallowed hard at the sound of his voice. It had been so long since I'd even seen him, I wasn't sure how I was supposed to react. I thought that I'd lost Ashton forever but here he was standing in front of me and I couldn't even speak.
"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly. Ashton stepped aside and let me unlock the door, holding it open for him.
"That's all you have to say?" Ashton chuckled, following me into the kitchen. He grabbed the two shopping bags I had from my hands and set them down on the counter before turning around to face me.
"It was a valid question." I shrugged, finally becoming a little more confident around him.
"It's been almost nine months and I don't even get a nice 'hello'?" Ashton asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I sighed and took another sip of my coffee, still trying to find the right words to say.
"Hello, Ashton." I said after a minute, rolling my eyes at him. I set my coffee down on the counter as well, next to the pile of mail I'd picked up.
"Hi." He repeated, folding his arms across his chest.
"So, why are you here?" I asked again, hoping that Ashton would actually answer my question this time.
"I just came to check up on you." Ashton shrugged.
"I don't need to be checked up on." I said, offended at how Ashton didn't think that I could take care of myself on my own. I'd spent the last eight months by myself and I was doing fine, he didn't need to show up now and pretend that he cared.
"I just wanted to make sure that you were doing okay." Ashton sighed, running a hand through his hair. I didn't even know how he was standing here speaking to me so normally; he'd been gone for such a long time and now he was suddenly back and trying to make it seem like everything was just like it used to be.
"Well I'm doing just fine. In fact, I'm better now than I was eight months ago." I lied, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Well, that's great." Ashton said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He looked down at the pile of mail I'd thrown down on the counter and flicked through the letters, stopping on the one with no return address.
"I don't know what that is." I said quietly, before Ashton could even ask. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked closely at it for a moment, then slide it towards me across the counter.
We both knew who it was from, and I knew that we were both scared to open it up. I was glad that Ashton was there with me, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to read the letter alone.
I tore open the envelope and pulled the letter out of it, my hands shaking. I quickly read over the letter, almost forgetting that Ashton was still in the room with me. Once I was done I passed the papers over to Ashton, who took the next few minutes to silently read the letter to himself.
After a while he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and Ashton passed the letter back to me, neither of us saying a word.
"At least we know that he's okay." Ashton said after a moment, giving me a small smile.
"It's been almost five years, I'm sick of his bullshit." I said, shaking my head.
After Michael had left to go to the rehab facility he slowly drifted away from both Ashton and I. For a year or so we were in constant contact, always writing letters to each other and scheduling for me to visit whenever I had the chance. I thought that everything was going to turn out okay, that Michael was going to get better and soon enough everything would be back to normal.
But I guess things got worse and Michael decided that he didn't want me or Ashton to see him anymore. He'd send us letters every once and a while basically just to let us know that he was still alive, but that was it. Neither of us are sure what exactly happened and neither of us got the answers to the many, many questions we had for Michael.
"I'm sure he'll come around eventually." Ashton assured me.
"Yeah, right." I scoffed. I've been waiting for Michael to 'come around' for years now and nothing has happened.
Things like this shouldn't bother me, I should be happy knowing that he's happy living life on his own, but I'm not. I miss Michael, I miss my best friend, and I just want him back.
"I'm sorry, Murph, you know that if I could do something about this I would, but it's out of my control. He's an adult now, he knows what he's doing." Ashton sighed, slowly reaching out and placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I know." I nodded, trying not to focus on the fact that Ashton was touching me. It seemed very surreal for him to be standing there next to me after so long. I almost didn't want to believe it.
"Do you still have my big box of records?" Ashton asked, quickly changing the subject. He pushed himself away from the counter and started to walk down the hall, towards my bedroom. "That was the only thing I really regret leaving here. You didn't throw them away, did you?"
"No, I didn't." I said, shaking my head again. I followed closely behind Ashton as he slowly entered room, looking as if he was afraid to step inside.
"I'm so used to seeing this room with clothes all over the floor." Ashton let out a small laugh as he finally stepped forward, into the middle of the room. He pointed to the bed, which was all made up on the side that Ashton slept on. "You still sleep on the left side?"
"Yeah, because I don't like - "
"- Sleeping so close to the windows." Ashton finished for me. "You don't like the sound of the cars on the street below us and you can't stand when the sun seeps through the curtains in the morning."
"Exactly." I nodded, slightly surprised that Ashton remembered all of that.
"We were together for six years, Murphy, I'm not going to forget these things very easily." Ashton laughed, noticing how startled I was at his memory.
"I know." I said, nodding again.
"Where's the box?" Ashton asked, pointing towards the corner of the room where we'd kept his box of records. The record player was in the living room, but we stored all of his albums in here to save space. He left the record player, too, and I assumed that he was going to be taking that along with the records.
"The living room." I said softly, looking down at the floor. "I was looking through them the other day."
"Oh, alright." Ashton nodded, finding the acceptable, and started to walk back out. He stopped short for a second and focused on something that I had laying on top of the dresser, having taken it off only a couple hours before.
It was Ashton's favorite sweatshirt but also mine, and we always argued about who got to wear it. I started stealing it from him after we'd been dating for about two years, once we'd moved in together and I learned that no matter what I did Ashton would leave his clothes all over the floor. Most of the time he would give in and let me wear the sweatshirt to sleep, but when Ashton left for work in the morning he'd take it with him.
"I left that on purpose." Ashton whispered as he left the room, avoiding eye contact with me. I trailed behind him as we walked into the living room, in search of the box of records.
"There it is." I said, pointing to the spot next to the couch where I'd left the box a few nights before.
"You still like The Killers, Murphy?" Ashton questioned. He took a seat on the couch - in his usual place, all the way on the right side - and brought the box up on his lap, beginning to flip through the records.
"Yeah." I nodded.
"I thought so." Ashton smirked, keeping his eyes trained on the box in front of him. "Has anything changed about you?"
"Not really." I shrugged. I was telling the truth, nothing drastic had changed about me since the last time I saw Ashton, except the fact that I obviously missed him a lot more than I did before.
"How's work?" Ashton asked, changing the subject once more.
"Same as always." I said, shrugging again. I had begun to work for my dad's company a little over a year ago. I did mostly online stuff, but the pay was good and it was easy enough that I didn't have to stress out about it too much. "How about you?"
"I'm still at the music store downtown, trying my best not to get fired." Ashton chuckled to himself, slowly shaking his head. He'd had a bad habit of purposely making his boss really mad and nearly getting fired at least once a week.
"So, exactly the same as what you were doing eight months ago." I said, swallowing hard.
"Pretty much." Ashton nodded. He stood up from the couch, setting the box down where he had been sitting before. He took a look around the room, taking it all in. "I kind of miss this place."
"Yeah?" I questioned. I didn't think that Ashton actually missed anything about this apartment or me, I thought that he'd moved on completely and didn't care anymore. I guess I was wrong.
"You know, I was at my mom's house a few weeks ago for Thanksgiving. She asked about you." Ashton said, changing the subject again.
"Oh." I said softly. "What did she say?"
"She just misses you. She wanted to know when I was going to get off of my ass and come talk to you again." Ashton chuckled, nervously chewing on his bottom lip.
"Well, you finally did." I said blankly. I tried to let out a small laugh as well, but it didn't sound very enthusiastic.
"Yeah, I finally did... I had so many plans for us, Murphy." Ashton mumbled, avoiding eye contact with me again. "I loved you so much, you know that, right?"
"I know." I nodded slowly, my heart sinking a little at the fact that he said loved, and not love. I was pretty sure that I still loved Ashton, but I didn't think that he felt the same way anymore.
"I wanted to move into a nice, big house! I wanted to start a family!" Ashton said, stepping closer to me. "Dani, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you!"
"No one said that we couldn't do that." I said, shaking my head. I began to walk backwards, suddenly afraid of Ashton and how he was acting. "It was your choice to leave, Ashton, you did that on your own."
"But you let me!" Ashton yelled, letting out a groan.
"I - I thought you wanted me to." I said quietly. "I thought that it would be better for both of us if we just stayed apart."
I let Ashton leave that night because I upset with him and in the moment I truly believed that him leaving was what I wanted. I didn't realize until later that I'd made a huge mistake, and by then I felt that I was too late.
"You really think I wanted to leave you?" Ashton choked out. I could see tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes, and I knew that this wasn't going to be just a simple visit. It was either going to end very good or very bad.
"It seemed like you did at the time." I said, nodding. "I let you go because I thought that was what you wanted. I didn't want to hold you back."
"I left because I figured that you would be happier without me. I care about you so damn much, Murphy, I just want you to be happy." Ashton said quietly, taking another slow step towards me.
"But - "
"But you are happy, aren't you? You just said you were, anyway. That's okay. I'm happy as long as you're happy, and I'll deal with being without you." Ashton said quickly, cutting me off. "You are happy, right?"
"I don't know." I shrugged.
"You can't just say that." Ashton shook his head. He walked towards me and gently grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look up at him. "You can't just say that you don't know. I didn't leave you alone for eight months just so you could not know if you're happy or not!"
"I thought I was happy... I tried to be happy." I said softly, scared of Ashton again.
"You weren't happy with me or where our relationship was headed, I remember you telling me that the day I left. You said that you'd be better without me." Ashton said, a few tears slipping out of the corners of his eyes.
"That's what I thought at the time. I didn't know, Ashton, I - I wasn't thinking." I shook my head, my own eyes welling up with tears this time.
"You made me a promise, Dani!" Ashton raised his voice, his grip on my shoulders tightening. "You said that we were going to get married and have a family but you didn't really mean that, did you? You let me pack up my things and leave without even a second thought!"
"I don't understand why you're putting the blame on me, you chose to do this!" I said, finally working up enough courage to push Ashton away from me.
Ashton stared at me for a moment before wiping under his eyes with the back of his hand, letting out a deep sigh. "I don't know. I don't know, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, so am I." I sighed, folding my arms across my chest. "I don't know why we're even fighting, Ashton. Just take your dumb records and leave."
"Oh, so now my records are dumb?" Ashton scoffed. He stepped away from me again, shaking his head.
"Don't start with this again." I said, rolling my eyes.
"I'm not starting with anything." Ashton said and gave me a smug smile.
"Seriously, Ashton, just get what you came here for and leave. Please." I begged him. I'd had enough for now and just wanted him to leave me alone.
Ashton nodded and turned around, his back facing me for a moment. He seemed to be thinking hard about something as he ran his fingers through his hair. Finally he turned back around and quickly made his was towards me, cupping my face in his hands.
"What are you - " I whispered, but Ashton shushed me before I could finish my sentence.
"Dani, so you remember the first time we broke up?" Ashton asked, his voice in a low whisper.
"Ashton, that was years ago - "
"Dani, answer me." He spoke sternly but kept his voice soft. "Do you remember the first time we broke up?"
"Yes, of course I remember - "
"Do you remember what I - " Ashton started to speak, but at this point I'd had enough.
"Stop interrupting me!" I yelled, cutting him off for once.
"Do you remember what I said about us finding a way back to each other?" Ashton asked, ignoring me. "I told you that if we truly loved each other we would find a way to be together again."
"Yes, I remember that." I nodded slowly, surprised that Ashton let me say a full sentence for once.
"Well I was right, wasn't I?" He asked, licking his lips.
"Ashton." I said softly, putting my hands on his chest and pushing him away from me. I didn't want to answer him, so I turned away and began to make my way towards the kitchen, figuring that maybe if I started to put away the groceries and ignore Ashton he'd give up and leave.
"Don't run away from me, Dani." Ashton said, and I knew he was serious because he rarely ever used my first name this much. He followed me into the kitchen, my little plan not working out the way I thought it would.
"I'm not running away from you." I sighed, beginning to put things away in cabinets as Ashton took it upon himself to put things in the fridge. "I just don't think we should talk about this right now, that's all."
"Then when are we going to talk about this? It's been eight months, Dani, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore." Ashton
"Listen, Ashton, I think that it was right for us to break up. We clearly weren't happy together and - "
"That's such bullshit and you know it. We were happy together, we loved each other more than anything in the world. We had one bad fight and decided to end things and it was the worst fucking mistake I ever made." Ashton stopped putting away the groceries and slammed his hands down on the kitchen island.
"It was a series of small fights that led up to this big one and you and I both knew that this was coming sooner or later." I said slowly, trying not to get frustrated with him. I stopped putting the groceries away as well and turned to face him, folding my arms across my chest.
"Bullshit, Dani! We could have worked through all of this and you know it! If you weren't so damn stubborn - "
"I'm the stubborn one?" I scoffed, cutting him off again. "I don't want to have to keep reminding you, Ashton, but you were the one that left!"
"I left because I love you, god dammit!" Ashton yelled, taking a few steps closer to me again. "I thought that you would be better off without me and I fucking left! That's what you do for people you love, okay? You put their feelings before your own!"
"I think you should just go home, Ashton." I sighed. I'd had too much of this too early in the morning. I would be okay with talking to Ashton about this at a different time, when we've both had time to put all of our thoughts together, not now. "We can talk about this another time, but right now I think you should head home."
"No, no, I'm not going home, because I know that if I do you'll find an excuse to not talk to me about this again." Ashton said, shaking his head.
"No, that's not true - "
"I can't live without you, Dani, and I didn't think that I would need you this much but I do. It hurts knowing that you're living your life here and I'm away from you living my own. We should be together, we're supposed to be together." Ashton said, his eyes filling with tears again. "I still love you, I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything, I just want you back."
I stood there in shock, not sure what I should say in response to Ashton. Of course I still loved him, but Ashton was right, I was stubborn, and I didn't want to give in this easily.
"Ashton, I'm not sure..." I trailed off, my mind still racing.
"I love you." He whispered, taking both of my hands in his. "And you can't possibly tell me that you don't love me back."
"I don't know - "
Ashton cut me off again, but this time instead of it being with words he cut me off with his lips. He kissed me slowly at first, but as I relaxed more and got over the sudden feeling of his lips pressed to mine we began to kiss more passionately, his hands moving to my waist and pulling me closer to him.
I wouldn't be able to say exactly how long we stayed like that. I lost track of time, my mind was suddenly on one thing and one thing only, and that was Ashton. He kissed me like nothing had ever changed between us, like the last eight months never happened.
Ashton pulled away after a while and licked his lips again, his breathing heavy as he stared back at me. I was at a lose for words once again, and I wasn't sure how I was going to even talk to Ashton after that.
"I still love you, and if you don't love me anymore then I guess that's alright." Ashton said, giving me a small shrug, turning away from me again. "I just needed to tell you, I needed you to know."
"Ashton..." I sighed, following after him as he walked out of the room.
"I'll just get going now, I'm sorry that I bothered you." Ashton said softly, making his way towards the front door.
"You didn't bother me." I said, shaking my head. I didn't understand why he was leaving so suddenly, I would think that after the way I reacted to that kiss he would be able to tell how I felt about him.
"I'm sorry." He whispered again, opening the door and letting himself out.
"Ashton." I stopped him, reaching out and grabbing his wrist to pull him back. He looked down at me with a hopeful expression on his face, his eyes wide.
I wanted to tell him that I still loved him, that I wanted him back and that everything could return to normal after this. I didn't say anything, though, because Ashton seemed like he'd made up his mind about this and I didn't want to upset him anymore. It'd been a crazy morning and I still thought that if we just came together at another time after thinking about this more we would be better off.
"I think you're forgetting what you actually came here for." I said, pointing towards the living room, where he'd left the box of records that he claimed to have come over for in the first place.
"No, it's fine." Ashton scoffed, shaking his head. "I don't want them anyway."
He pulled away from me and walked out of the apartment, shutting the door behind him and leaving me alone once again.
I knew that this was wrong. It was a mistake the last time this happened and it was still a mistake now. So instead of going back to my room and crying like I had the first time Ashton left, I did something about it, something that I should have done originally.
I opened the door and went out into the hall, hoping that I wouldn't be too late. I ran down to the end of the hall, where the elevators were, and thankfully I caught Ashton right as he pressed the button to go down.
"Ashton!" I called, startling him and causing him to look up at me.
"What are you doing?" He asked quietly. He was crying just a little, tears silently streaming down his face as he stood before me.
"Don't go, please." I begged. "I love you, Ashton, I don't want to spend another eight months alone."
"Why didn't you say any this a few minutes ago?" Ashton questioned, sniffing once and trying to use his hands to get rid of the tears on his cheeks.
"I don't know. I don't know why I didn't say anything a few minutes ago and I don't know why I didn't say anything eight months ago when you decided to leave. You're right, I'm stubborn, and I always have to make things complicated." I laughed nervously, scared that after what just happened Ashton wouldn't want to give me another chance.
"So what are you trying to say?" Ashton asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I think we should try this again. I think you were right, we always seem to find a way back to each other. This isn't any different than that time that we broke up when we were eighteen." I explained, my stomach turning with how nervous I was. "I don't think we should give up, not yet."
The elevator doors opened and Ashton focused on them for a moment before turning back to me. He looked back and forth a few times, as if he was trying to decide between leaving and staying.
"So," He finally spoke, taking a step away from the elevator and closer to me. "You're asking if we can get back together?"
"Well, yeah." I said, chewing on my bottom lip and looking down to the ground.
"I mean, hypothetically, you think we should start over? You think we should try again?" Ashton asked.
"It's not exactly hypothetical..." I said slowly. "I just hate this, I hate myself for not coming after you and I can't believe that I just spent eight months without you."
"What are you trying to say?" Ashton asked and I almost let out a groan. I didn't know why he wasn't seeming to understand what I was saying.
"I just love you, Irwin, that's all." I rolled my eyes, slightly annoyed with all of his questions.
"Well, Murphy, I love you too." Ashton laughed softly. He took another few steps closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He smiled and leaned in more, slowly placing his lips on mine again.
"So, hypothetically, do you think we could try this again?" I asked, biting my lip again.
"Well if we're speaking hypothetically, then I guess we could." Ashton shrugged, a playful smile on his lips.
"I just need you, Ash. We can just try things out and go slow again, we don't need to rush. If things end up not working then we can break up again. I can leave or you can leave - "
"Murph, I don't think I could leave you again if I tried." Ashton chuckled, pulling me forward and kissing me again.