Zach
'Hi. I hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry for everything. Don't worry, I'll give you the time and space that you want. But please give me what I want too? And that is to stay with you, forever. Take care.'
I took a deep breath. I can't move, hindi ko alam yung gagawin ko.
Paulit ulit na bumabalik lahat ng alaala na nangyari kanina.
Her face, it's so beautiful and yet I destroyed that kind of face.
Her heart, it felt so whole again after her father died and after she experienced a great heartbreak but here I am, I crushed them into pieces made her feel in pain again.
Bakit hindi ko naisip 'yon? Ang dami ng nang-iwan sa kaniya tapos magiging kabilang pa ako doon.
The moment na tinalikuran ko siya kanina, alam ko na mababa na yung tiyansa na makakabalik pa 'ko sa kaniya.
Nasira ko na lahat. I cheated on her, pero pinagmukha ko na siya yung may kasalanan.
I got a call from someone, it was from an unknown number.
"Hello?" I said. There's silence on the other line.
"Who's this?" I asked. Wala paring nagsasalita.
I was about to end the call when I heard someone crying. It makes me stop. And I felt like I needed to comfort that someone.
"Are you okay?" Baliw na siguro ako, just because I'm talking to someone that I didn't know.
"A-ah. Sorry, wrong number ako." A woman said, she seems so familiar.
"Wait. Do I know you? You seem familiar to me and I don't know why." I said.
"Zachary baby..." She said and I started to go back to the place when I last saw them.
The time when we were in a vacation but I ended up living alone. Iniwan nila 'ko...
I ended the call.
Bumalik lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko. Kung siya man 'yun, hindi ko alam kung handa na ako na makita siya.
Hindi pa 'ko handa dahil may inaayos pa akong problema at ayoko ng dumagdag pa 'yon.
I was about to put my cellphone down when it vibrated again. It was a call from the same person.
I answered it with hesitation. "Hello? Are you his brother?" Someone asked. It's a guy.
My heart skipped a beat. Siya ba talaga 'yun?
"Who's this?" I asked. I'm not someone's brother anymore, matagal na.
"This is Harry, Misha's wife." Too much names.
This can't be happening. Matagal na silang wala! They already died years ako.
"S-sino?" I asked.
"Misha Keith Santos Lopez. Do you know her?" A tear escaped my eyes upon hearing that name.
My hands are shaking. How is this possible?
She's still alive. Buhay pa ang ate ko.
"She's waiting for you. Actually, matagal ka na niyang hihihintay."
"Kung ganoon, bakit hindi niya 'ko hinanap?" Tanong ko.
"Nakita ka niya. She's a flight attendant but she resigned just recently." Sabi niya.
A memory appeared on my mind again.
"Enjoy your vacation, ma'am and sir." The stewardess said. Kanina ko pa nararamdaman na tinitignan niya 'ko.
She's familiar and I didn't know why. Parang kilala ko siya but I just forgot who she is, ganoon yung pakiramdam.
I just smiled at her and I was about to go out but before that, tinawag siya ni
Julia
"Miss?" Tawag ni Julia. Nagulat siya pero again niyang binawian ito ng ngiti.
"Yes, ma'am?" She said.
"Why are you staring at me differently a while ago?" Julia asked. Ako lang ba? O familar din siya dito?
"Hey, makikipag-away ka ba?" I whispered.
I smiled. Nakakatakot naman 'to magalit.
"Kasi you're so blessed to have Mr. Lopez beside you." She said. What is she saying?
"What do you mean?" She asked. It's confusing.
"What I mean is, ang swerte mo kasi kasama mo siya ngayon, ikaw yung kasama niya. While there are still few people, dying to see him and dying to be with him so...you're blessed." Sa sinasabi niyang 'yan, parang kilalang kilala niya ako.
"So you mean that you are one of those 'few people' that you are saying?" That's my girl.
"Julia, tama na." I whispered again. I kinda like the way she confront the flight attendant but I also want her to stop.
"No i'm not. But Misha Keith Lopez does." I stopped. Lopez? Bakit Lopez?
"Julia, please let's get out of here!" Sabi ko. Anong nangyayari? Wala akong maindindihan.
No, it can't be. She's already dead. Your family's dead. Stick that to your mind, Zachary.
"Bakit siya nag resign?" I asked. No I'm curious because I don't have any hint of what's happening.
Buhay siya? Kung ganoon, bakit hindi niya 'ko hinanap? Years passed by and yet wala siyang balak hanapin ako?
"Mas mabuti siguro kung siya yung kakausapin mo about doon. I'll send you the address kung saan kami nakatira so you'll—"
I ended the call. Hindi pa 'ko handa.
Out of my frustration, I packed all my things. I have to leave this place.
Hindi ko pa alam kung saan ako pupunta, if I'll go to where my sister's staying or I'll back in the Philippines, or will I go to a place where I could be alone, or I'll be forced to be with Charisse for the mean time, I really don't know.
But one thing's for sure—I'll leave because I finally decided to be away from her. I will tell her everything later. Because after all, she deserves to know it but she didn't deserve everything that is happening to her.
After I packed my things, I read the text message I received from the same number.
He sent me the address. They're staying in Canada. Bakit ganoon kalayo?
Talaga bang wala siyang balak na hanapin ako kaya sa ganoon kalayong lugar siya nakatira?
I hate her, but I love her. And there's a voice in my heart that says that I should see her because I miss her.
I want to know everything not until I do finished everything that I have to deal with my girlfriend.
Girlfriend? Hindi ko na alam.
But, my sister should have a better reason why is she doing all of this. Ilang years na nakalipas at buhay pala siya. I want to know her side, at gusto ko rin sanang intindihin 'yun kung kakayanin ko.
I got out of my unit having my things with me.
I need some air, and I need to settle everything with her that's why I've decided to go to the rooftop dahil my instincts' telling me to go there at alam kong pupunta rin siya doon.
Sumakay ako ng elevator. This is where we had so much memories, both bad and good ones.
Then the door opened and I saw her. And this will probably be added on our 'elevator moments'.
It's like I'm seeing her for the first time after a long time. I wonder what's on her mind.
"Are you coming in?" I asked her. Then she came in.
She didn't press any button. It looks like we're about to head in the same place, hindi ako nagkamali.
"S-saan ka pupunta?" She asked after seconds of silence.
"Isn't obvious?" I sarcastically said, without looking at her. Baka kasi pag ginawa ko 'yun, bumigay ako.
"A-ah, anong gagawin mo doon?" She asked. She's distracted and nervous, I can feel it through her voice and even through her existence.
"Suicide?" I said. Seriously, only if it's allowed for me to do that, kanina ko pa ginawa.
But if I do that, mas lalong lalala ang lahat. And I don't want her to be hurt even more.
Nagulat ata siya kasi hindi siya nakapagsalita agad.
"Are you serious? Kasi mag wwish talaga 'ko na ma stuck tayo dito sa elevator para hindi mo ituloy!" Sigaw niya. And I was shocked nung nangyari nga.
"Sh*t!" I exclaimed. Heck, she's powerful.
But a few seconds after, the light opened again. Good thing.
"What are you doing?" I calmly asked. She looked at my luggage, and I guess she have a hint now.
I can't leave you but I have to.
"Wala naman akong ginagawa, ah?" Depensa niya. Yeah, wala ka ngang ginagawa. I just said that so I could here your voice more.
The door opened, I got out first.
"Wait," she said weakly. Binilisan ko yung lakad ko.
Pumunta ako sa railings, tinignan ko yung view. I remembered the time when we had our first night here, kissing in front of the beautiful city lights and under the fireworks.
Selfish na ba akong tatawagin kung gugustuhin kong maulit pa 'yun?
Naramdaman kong lumapit siya sakin, but not as close as she used to.
After a heavy sigh that she did, she talked. "Anong oras flight mo?" She asked. I didn't answer, kasi hindi ko pa alam kung saan ako exactly pupunta.
Silence enveloped us.
Just to come up with an answer, I said, "Nine." I smiled a little. Ang bilis ng oras. Maya-maya, iiwan ko na siya...
And it hurts.
"I'll go ahead." Sabi ko. Honestly, I don't want to leave yet. Pero hindi ko na kaya...
I got my luggage again na nilapag ko kanina at aalis na sana ako when she pulled my arms. It's so tight. Pinaparamdam niya sakin na ayaw niya 'kong umalis.
Babe please, let me go. Kasi hindi ko na kayang nakikita kitang ganyan.
"Take care. See you when I see you. I'll be waiting for you, remember that." And that...broke my heart. She doesn't deserve me.
I felt the cold air na sumasabay sa nararamdaman namin.
Binitawan ko ulit yung gamit ko. I faced her and I took a deep breath. She wants more time to be with me and that's what I needed to.
Besides, hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kaniya. Hindi ako makahanap ng tiyempo.
"Don't wait for too long, you'll only hurt yourself." I said. I don't want her to wait because there's a low chance that I'll be with her again.
I don't know. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako patungo pagkatapos nito.
With Julia, she gave me directions. Now that I know that we're falling apart, wala na ulit akong direksyon. Wala nanaman akong buhay.
"W-what do you mean?" She asked. Hindi mo kailangang maintindihan kasi hindi ko rin naiintindihan.
"Just...don't wait for me to come back. I don't want to give you false hopes." I said. Ang sakit mo magsalita, Zachary.
"Hindi mo sinabi na pang habangbuhay pala 'yang time and space mo na 'yan." Pero ang sakit din nitong sinabi niya. I don't want this pain to exist forever, gusto ko ng matapos 'to.
She looked at me directly, and her eyes are transparently telling me that it hurts.
But I said this, "I'm sorry, but I'll be leaving...for good." Napailing siya.
"Zach, tell me. What did I do to deserve all of your sh*ts? Isang beses lang akong nagkamali, pero matagal kong pagbabayaran? It's not even acceptable!" Sabi niya. I can see anger in her eyes.
Deserve mo 'to. You deserve this, Zachary.
"I hope you'll understand—" sabi ko but she stopped me from talking.
Heck. Bakit ko ba pinipilit na intindihin niya 'ko? This situation is completely bizarre and chaotic.
"No, I won't. That's not even understandable! Ipaintindi mo naman sakin, oh." She pleaded. No. Don't do this.
"Dahil ba inakala mong mahal ko pa si Azreel kaya ka nagkakaganito? Napakababaw lang ng dahilan mo, Zach." Hindi naman dahil doon.
I know that she's saying the truth na hindi niya talaga mahal 'yun. It's just me and my shts in life.
"Julia, hindi lang 'yun yung rason ko!" I shouted. Ayaw ko mang sabihin sa kaniya 'to, but she should. Ayokong maging selfish sa kaniya.
It's my fault, I know. But it's not only my fault, at sana pagbayaran niya 'yun until she's still alive.
She looks so done with me as I am also done with myself. "Eh ano pa?" Tanong niya.
"I'm a f*cking cheater." Finally, I said it. And I know that there's no turning back. She froze.
The consequences for hurting her is what I'm gonna pay for in the future. If this is hard for her, doble yung saakin.
"What did you just said?" She asked as she slowly come near me. Unti-unti naman akong lumayo sa kaniya.
"She's...pregnant. That's why we're getting married in Canada. In fact, she's already waiting for me there. And we're staying there for go—"
Yeah, I just received a big slap from her. Pero manhid na ata ako para hindi ko maramdaman yung sakit.
The mere fact that I'm gonna be responsible for that baby and also for that woman is really unacceptable.
But here I am, being a jerk in front of her again. Naulit nanaman.
"I don't want to believe you. You're just lying, Zachary!" She shouted, that almost break my eardrums. That's the loudest that she did.
She started to cry and sit. I want her to feel my embrace and comfort.
My love looks helpless, and in this situation, I can't believe that I am the one that is letting her experience all of these.
"I'm sorry." I said. I also started to cry. She's my strength, but she is also my weakness.
I didn't expect that we have to be at this point in our relationship. Bakit kasi ang daming humahadlang? When we just both wanted to love endlessly and have genuine happiness? Ang unfair kasi.
"Then leave. If that's just a lie or that's the truth, I don't care. Just leave, and don't you ever show your face to me again." She said, still crying.
She wants me out of her life now, at ngayon hindi ko na alam kung paano mabubuhay ng wala siya.
She stood up and faced me, not minding what she looks like. But as for me? She's still beautiful and yet I made her turn into a mess.
"You want to end this? Then, okay. If breaking up satisfies you, then go ahead. Almost eighteen years naman kitang hindi kilala, so it won't bother me not to see you forever." She boldly said. Her words can hurt me like a bullet, it's up to that extent.
She looked at me in the eyes. And that is what I'm gonna miss looking into.
"I'm really sorry. I just have to do this. I'm really really sorry, Julia Faye." I apologized, kahit alam kong wala namang effect 'yun.
I held her hand and she held mine too. I love her so damn much.
"I'm sorry. I have to give up the fight that we both started. Always remember that I love you. I'm letting go because I love you, remember that." I said, looking into her eyes. Wala akong ibang nakikita ngayon kung hindi siya lang.
She nodded. "I don't need your sorry, because I won't forgive you that easily. I need you to leave me. Kasi kahit mahal kita at ayoko pa, ang sakit sakit na kasi." From the moment that she said that, unti-unti niyang binitawan yung mga kamay ko.
Then I said, "Goodbye." It's hard to leave her like this. Kung pwede lang humingi ng extension para makasama siya.
She nodded again, and she closed her eyes. Siguro, para hindi niya makita kung paano ako umalis sa tabi niya.
And in her life, too.
She turned around and I saw how she's shaking and crying hard.
It took me a minute bago ako tuluyang umalis. I can't believe na iiwan ko siya ng ganito.
Bumaba ako through the stairs.
I shouted endlessly as I throw my luggages. Wala na 'kong pakialam kung may makarinig pa.
I felt someone approaching me.
"Zachary? What are you doing here? Sa'yo ba yung maleta doon?" She asked. I didn't answer.
But instead, I hugged her at sa kaniya ko binuhos lahat.
"Ssh, it's okay." She said as she tapped my back. Good thing she found me here.
"I'm sorry, Caitlyn. I'm really really sorry." I said to her.
"Kung ano man 'yung kasalanan mo, alam kong hindi mo 'yun ginusto. Yung ginawa mo sakin dati? I know na hindi mo 'yun sinasadya. Too bad, ngayon ko lang 'yun na-realize."
"I know that you love her. Witness ako doon. Kapag nalaman ko yung ginawa mo sa bestfriend ko, sorry but I'll be mad at you. But I'm gonna trust and believe you, Zachary." She said.
I looked at her, looking like a mess as I smile genuinely.
"Thank you, Caitlyn. And I'm sorry." Then I stood up and walked away from her.
But she called me again. I stopped, without facing her.
"Babalik ka naman, diba?" She asked.
I just nodded and I walked away from this place.
Away from the mess that I created, and away from my love.
I'm sorry, Julia Faye.
----
"Good evening sir, how can I help you?" A receptionist asked.
"Room 304, please." I said.
"7th floor, sir." Then smiled at me.
As the elevator go up, I can't help but to get nervous. This is it, and I know that I handle it...yung mga information na malalaman ko.
I knocked at the door and I keep pacing back and forth as I wait for someone to open the door and let me in.
"Hi, please come in." He said. I don't know him, but I can feel the warm welcome from him.
As I walked towards a room, my heart's beating so fast that anytime, I can have a heart attack.
He opened the door of the room and I stopped.
She's smiling at me from ear to ear as a tear escape from her eyes.
She's lying in her bed and she looked so sick. Ang daming nakasaksak sa kaniya. I saw a doctor and a nurse doing their work.
I slowly walked inside the room. Hindi ko napigilang umiyak.
I held her hand as I called her name. "Ate Keith..."
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