Am I too weak that I want to forget everything and hug her? Admittedly my life without her won't be the same either. It's like I'd lose the last person who's been a family to me. It's not easy.
"I'm ready to lose everyone else I consider friends. Jay, Veronica . . . everyone but you, Kira. I don't think I can live this life knowing you're not a part of it. I don't even know what made me think that I could actually do it after everything we've been through together since we were little girls." She sniffs loudly while drying her tears, her eyes dark and red.
No, I can't stand this. I sit down next to her, trying hard— without luck— to not cry along.
"We have a lot to fix, Sam. We have so many issues to resolve starting from what happened back in Miami and everything else that we're both hiding inside," I utter with all honesty, hoping this day can mark changes in our lives.
"Yeah. And that's why I'm here, so we can finally put an end to this," Sam says determinedly, and I agree with her.
Without snapping or yelling we talk about everything we've been holding against each other. For the first time I spill how I've been feeling regarding her comments that constantly bruise my self-esteem, and she listens without any defense.
"That's it, Sam. All I needed from you was respect and personal space," I conclude.
"Okay," Sam says, nodding. "Do you wanna know what I hate the most about you?" she questions, staring at me fixedly.
"Enlighten me." I unfold my arms, intrigued.
"Playing the good and kind even when you're not supposed to. Pretending that you're okay when you're not, hiding the things that pains you just because you're scared to hurt others," she states, and I swallow hard, letting everything in. "I hate that you think by doing so you're being good and helpful—because honestly speaking, it's infuriating!"
Sighing, I answer, "Okay."
"That's not all," Sam continues. "I know this has nothing to do with you, but I hate that everyone likes you. You make me feel inferior, Kira, and maybe it's one of the reasons I always felt like your shadow."
"You're not serious, are you?" I burst out laughing. No, I laugh like crazy, and soon my laughter turns into a trigger for the tears in my eyes as Sam laughs along in similar fashion.
I don't know what I'm suddenly feeling.
"So, you think it's funny?" Sam wipes her tears, and yet we're still laughing.
"No, you're the funny one," I say, for what she's said is the funniest thing I've ever heard. "Sam . . . between us . . . who's the charming one? Who's the spirit of the party? Who's the person capable of making everyone laugh in a snap of a finger? Do you have any idea on how much I struggled to fit in even back when we were younger? Are you oblivious of how my life in college used to be? What do you think is the reason why I chose a bookworm kind of life? It's because I got tired of trying too hard to please others while hurting myself. It's a choice, Sam, because we are not the same! We can never be!" I say it earnestly.
We can all be blunt today.
"What are you talking about?" Sam squints her eyes, bemused.
"That trip to Montana is the only thing that made me realize I'm a person of worth. For the first time I met the people who made me feel loved and appreciated without anything in return. They neither judged me, nor my background, nor my personality—they just saw the good in me. Eleanor, Malik, Liam . . . even Peter and Julian; they made me feel special."
"Kira . . ." Sam wipes her tears.
"Talking about acceptance, I think you're being unfair, Sam," I tell her. "I've been a loner whenever you weren't there and I never complained. I don't need people's approval to live my life the way I want because I've learned to realize that it's not worth it. If they love and accept you, then it should be for who you are."
A heavy silence settles as we meditate our words.
"We're really screwed, aren't we?" Sam mutters while leaning comfortably on the couch. She sighs heavily and for the first time in a while we stare at each other without ill feelings. "I've been a bitch, okay?" she adds.
I chuckle lightly and reply, "I know. I've been, too."
"But I miss my best friend. I want to straighten things up between us," Sam says. Still surprised by her sudden change of heart. "After our little unplesantries yesterday, Jonathan talked to me about this and I had time to think things over. Well, it hasn't been easy coming to terms with the truth but . . . but I guess I have to accept some things as they are."
Now I understand why she's changed so quickly.
"Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly made me so angry at you. Maybe you're right; I just didn't want to lose . . I mean, I had no real reason to be shitty at you for something you had no total fault at, but I just felt like you're the reason why I couldn't get his attention all that time. It made me despise the fact I went there with you."
Frankly I never expected to hear this coming from Sam. She never does anything to take responsibility for her mistakes, or say sorry, so this is probably the first time.
"I shouldn't have hidden my feelings from you so your anger is somehow justified, Sam," I end up saying. "But if we're going to end this, then let's do it right. The truth is, I fell in love with Liam in a way that I can't even explain. It's something I couldn't control no matter how hard I tried to run away from it. So in the end I had to run away, and that's why I wanted to leave Miami. "
"You wanted to give up on him because of me?" Her voice comes out soft.
"Partly yes," I answer. "And another part I did for myself. I couldn't bear the burden of guilt. It was too much." I recline back on the couch, sighing. "Telling you was the hardest part; I just couldn't open my mouth. But in the end I had to make a choice, that I either tell you the truth, or run away."
"And you chose to run away." Sam shakes her head, sighing.
"What would you do if you were me?" I ask. She shrugs. "I never meant to hurt you. But still, I did, and I'm deeply sorry."
"Alright! I'm sorry, you're sorry. We're both sorry, okay?" she suddenly snaps and more tears run down her cheeks. I smother a laugh. "I can't live without you, Kira. These days have been hell and I don't think I loved that man as I thought I did. No, I probably wanted a challenge for myself and it became my own downfall."
But I did. I still do love that man. Simply and purely.
I laugh tiredly as she gives me her puppy eyes. Whether she loved Liam or not, I can't tell. . But who am I to judge her? I'm just as fucked. I have so many flaws and who doesn't?
I was crazily angry at her yesterday, but a single sorry from her is enough to kill that anger away. Yes, we are all imperfect. I hurt her first, and she doubled the pain, but can that pain compare to what we've been through in our lives?
But is there any reason for me to hold onto it? To not forgive and forget?
No, she's like a beautiful outlaw in my world that I can't live without.
"Let's say it's water under the bridge," I announce. "Let's say . . . We are going to be the best version of ourselves from now on."
I'm not sure if things will get back to normal, or better, but again my heart wins. A soft sigh lurches out of my lips, my gaze fixed on Sam's baffled eyes. Did she expect me to say something else? I just smile, and one person crosses my mind, wiping my smile away.
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A/N: It takes more than a number of years to really know someone. And at times in order to find each other again, you'll have to lose each other first. I know some readers were angry saying Kira is so stupid for forgiving Sam, but it's her choice as a character. She's imperfect just like this Author.
Just like you.
We all have choices.