INT. Front Desk
Mia, Ryan and Aiden sit in a circle, terrified. In the middle of the circle are two giant cockroaches. One moves towards Ryan and he jumps up on the couch.
MIA: Don't break the circle!
RYAN: It was coming at me dude!
AIDEN: If you don't get back in the circle we could lose them. What's worse- two cockroaches or two cockroaches with unknown locations?
Ryan eases his way back into the circle.
MIA: This is ridiculous. Aiden you're on desk duty, you should have to deal with this.
AIDEN: Why me? Ryan's the one with experience here.
RYAN: An experience that continues to haunt my dreams.
Kylie enters.
KYLIE: That's a really intense game of duck duck goose.
AIDEN: There is not one, but two cockroaches.
KYLIE: So? Just kill them.
MIA: You cannot just kill a cockroach.
Aiden jumps up.
AIDEN: I am inciting our pact! You kill the cockroaches.
MIA: Aiden its getting out!
One scurries away towards the desk and disappears.
KYLIE: This is ridiculous.
She takes off her shoes and goes for the one cockroach left. Ryan and Mia jump back. Kylie swings and misses. It goes underneath a chair.
KYLIE: Huh. Out of sight out of mind, I guess.
RYAN: No, no no, you have to kill it and you have to kill it now.
KYLIE: Alright move the chair.
Ryan moves the chair and cringes.
KYLIE: There's nothing there. Aren't you a nursing major?
RYAN: Yea, so.
KYLIE: You realize one day you may have to take care of someone else's doo-doo?
RYAN: That's not a highlight of the job but yea.
KYLIE: Right now you're grossed out over a bug.
RYAN: You know what, poop doesn't move.
KYLIE: Well, you can breathe now. It's gone.
AIDEN: They don't like light anyway.
MIA: Really?
AIDEN: Cockroaches are nocturnal. They prefer the dark.
Mia takes a breath then walks back to the desk. There is a crunching noise. She cringes and lifts up her shoe.
MIA: Ew, ew, ew.
RYAN: I'm out.
AIDEN: See ya.
KYLIE: I've got class.
Mia goes to sit at the desk.
MIA: Ew. Ew. Ew...
The elevator door opens but Ryan runs back.
RYAN: Forgot my soda.
He goes back in the elevator, then nods towards Mia Gatsby style and takes a sip. The doors begin to close. He makes a face and spits out the soda. The elevator dings and we can hear Ryan behind its doors.
RYAN: I found the other cockroach.
TITLE SEQUENCE
INT. The Pav.
Hailey is drawing angry faces and Mia's on her phone.
MIA: Hey, I'm going to order lunch. Do you want a bagel?
(She pronounces it beg-gal)
HAILEY: A what?
MIA: A bagel.
HAILEY: You mean a bay-gul?
MIA: That's what I said.
HAILEY: No you said beg-gal. Its bay-gul.
MIA: Do you want one?
HAILEY: No thanks.
Dylan enters.
DYLAN: Wow. Hailey. That is a beautiful drawing. Mia did you do something different with your hair? It is so shiny.
MIA: Oh, no I haven't changed anything.
DYLAN: It must just be your natural glow.
MIA: Wow, Dylan. Thanks that's really sweet.
HAILEY: What do you want?
DYLAN: Wha? Hails, I don't have to want something to compliment my beautiful friends. Ok, I need help but don't tell anyone.
MIA: What is it?
DYLAN: I have no clue how to do laundry.
HAILEY: We've been at school for a month now.
DYLAN: My socks smell really bad.
MIA: You've lived away from home for two years now.
DYLAN: No freshman cares what they smell like. And Sophomore year I invested in Febreeze. But now that I'm 20, its time to be an adult.
HAILEY: That's so gross Dylan.
DYLAN: Mia, you have such a pretty name. Please, will you help ME-A-ddress this problem?
MIA: That's the best you got?
HAILEY: The man has smelled worse than the armpit of Jack Black for two years now and you think he's smart enough to come up with a decent pun?
MIA: Alright I'll help.
DYLAN: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
MIAL But you have to do something for me.
DYLAN: What?
MIA: I don't know yet.
HAILEY: Oooh, a blank check.
DYLAN: Oh you don't want a check from me. It'll just bounce.
MIA: When I think of something I'll let you know.
DYLAN: Ok. Tomorrow morning?
MIA: Sure.
DYLAN: In that case, I'm going to make like my checks and bounce.
He exits, then re-enters.
DYLAN: Oh come on that was a good one. That's the kind of pun you can expect from the guy that got a B in geology.
He exits.
HAILEY: I just got why they call that class rocks for jocks.
MIA: Last chance. You sure you don't want a bagel?
HAILEY: Oh, just say it correctly.
MIA: There's nothing wrong with the way I'm saying it.
HAILEY: No, there's everything wrong with the way you're saying it. Bay-gul.
MIA: Beg-gal
HAILEY: No that's wrong!
MIA: So I don't say it correctly so what? Just let me be wrong.
HAILEY: But if something's wrong, it's just, you're-you're... please try.
Int. Laundry Room
Mia and Dylan both glare at a massive pile of dirty laundry.
MIA: Ok, so first we have to separate between your whites and darks.
DYLAN: Ok, so what about this?
He tosses her a workout shirt. Unfortunately, she catches it.
MIA: You know, I thought the grossest thing that would happen to me this week would be stepping on a cockroach.
She puts the shirt in a machine. Dylan tosses her underwear.
MIA: Oh, God I was sorely mistaken.
Ryan walks in and sees Mia holding Dylan's underwear.
RYAN: Hey guys.
DYLAN: Nothing!
RYAN: What?
DYLAN: I am doing laundry, which I am an expert at doing.
RYAN: Right.
Ryan moves a set of clothes from the washer to the dryer. Dylan throws a pair of red socks into one washer. Mia takes them out and puts them into the other.
RYAN: See you guys.
MIA: Bye!
DYLAN: I didn't realize Ryan was such a neat freak.
MIA: People that do their laundry more than once a month are not neat freaks. They just practice regular hygiene.
She says as she pulls out a sweaty workout shirt.
DYLAN: His clothes were already clean, but he put them in another machine.
MIA: He put them in the dryer. What did you think we would hang them outside on a rope?
DYLAN: That's what they do in movies.
MIA: Where's your detergent?
DYLAN: Here.
MIA: Alright so throw a packet of that in there, then close the door, make sure it has the right amount of heat,
DYLAN: Oh, I'm good at that.
MIA: And press this button. Capeesh?
DYLAN: Capush.
MIA: Ok. You got it from here.
DYLAN: I got it. I got it from here.
She exits. He picks up his detergent.
DYLAN: Tide. Tide. Tide is high but I'm moving on, I'm gonna be your number one.
INT. Hallway
Aiden and Hailey meet in the hallway, both carrying laundry baskets. They eye each other suspiciously.
AIDEN: You know, a lot of people do laundry on Tuesday morning. You should probably change your schedule.
HAILEY: It's still early. I'm sure there will be a laundry machine open for both of us.
AIDEN: Of course.
They face off. Then they both dart in the same direction. Aiden falls behind.
INT. Laundry Room
DYLAN (singing): I'm not the kinda girl who gives up just like that. Oh no!
Hailey and Aiden burst in and Dylan quickly shuts up. Hailey beats him and puts her laundry basket over two washers.
HAILEY: You know what, there's one for you right there.
AIDEN: I ca- I ca- one second.
Aiden bends over and wheezes to catch his breath, then straightens out.
AIDEN: I need three.
HAILEY: Three?
AIDEN: Yes. Whites, colours, delicates
DYLAN: We're supposed to use three? But Mia said/
HAILEY: Mia is wrong a lot of the time!
Hailey begins shoving her clothes into a washing machine.
DYLAN: My clothes are already in two washing machines.
HAILEY: Do you know how much water is used in one cycle of a washing machine?
DYLAN: No.
HAILEY: We are in a drought! Ok? Those glaciers that are melting are going into saltwater, not drinking water. In 10 years there will be no more drinking water and it will be all because you decided to use two washing machines!!!
She slams the door and storms out.
AIDEN: Don't listen to her. Listen if you want to do your laundry correctly, here's how you do it. You separate your clothes into whites, darks, and delicates. Then you take your super nice clothes to the dry cleaners. You put your original three groups through the wash cycle, at different settings, of course. Then you take out the clothes that can't go in the dryer and hang them up. After your clothes are dry you get your ironing board, or if it's a nice jacket your steamer...
DYLAN: Hold up, hold up that is a lot of information at once.
Dylan washer dings.
DYLAN: I'm just going to move this to the dryer now.
Aiden watches sceptically as Dylan moves his clothes.
AIDEN: Mmm
Dylan freezes then keeps going.
AIDEN: mhmm.
Dylan continues.
AIDEN: Ohh.
DYLAN: What?
AIDEN: You don't put jeans in the dryer.
DYLAN: Why not?
AIDEN: They shrink. Hang them out in your room.
DYLAN: Ok.
AIDEN: Here. Take a dryer sheet. Help keep the static off your clothes.
DYLAN: Thanks.
AIDEN: You clean out the lint?
DYLAN: No?
Aiden goes into Dylan's dryer and picks out a large ball of lint. Dylan cringes. He freaks out and drops it.
AIDEN: You gotta throw it away.
DYLAN: I will, I will.
AIDEN: Were you singing that tide song earlier?
DYLAN: ...maybe
AIDEN: Man that song is a bop! Tide is high but I'm moving on.
INT. Front Desk
Hailey is on desk duty, furiously typing. Kylie enters.
KYLIE: You ok?
HAILEY: Yea why?
KYLIE: I can hear you from my room. It sounds like the Incredible Hulk has a ten-page paper due in an hour and he hasn't started.
HAILEY: I'm writing an article on the success of our local animal shelter.
Kylie looks at the screen.
KYLIE: That's a really cute puppy.
HAILEY: Puppies are disgusting. First, you think their kisses are all cute, then you realize its just slobber. They slobber all over your life. They kiss you and your grades go down and it's hard to sleep and eat and you think just because you are so passionately in love. Then you take them for a walk and they take a giant poop. But they themselves are incapable of scooping it up! Why can't they take care of their own crap?!?
KYLIE: I think they have cats at that shelter. If that's more your style.
HAILEY: I think I have to break up with Mark.
KYLIE: I'm sorry honey.
HAILEY: I used to think he was so cool. In high school, we were like, the couple. Everyone thought we would last forever. But he's different now. Or maybe I'm different. I don't know. Like, I used to be excited for him to come over, but now whenever I see him I'm afraid he won't approve of... God that probably sounds stupid.
KYLIE: It's not stupid. Doesn't sound healthy either.
HAILEY: I need to be more independent. Like you! Oh God, I'm going to be so lonely. I can't do this.
KYLIE: Give yourself some time to think about it. I'm here if you need me.
HAILEY: Thanks. I should probably go apologize to Aiden.
KYLIE: Why?
HAILEY: We were in a race to for the laundry machine and I was really mad so I managed to slip a cockroach in his sock.
KYLIE: Man those things are everywhere.
HAILEY: You think Smith would call an exterminator?
They look at each other and start laughing.
INT. Laundry Room
Dylan enters, singing again.
DYLAN: Every girl wants you to be her man. But I'll wait, my dear, till it's my turn.
He takes his laundry out and begins folding it. Kylie enters.
KYLIE: Were you singing?
DYLAN: Psssh, no.
KYLIE: Huh. It did kinda sound like a girl.
Dylan takes out the dryer sheet and throws it away.
KYLIE: You know those things cause cancer right?
DYLAN: Wha- Aiden gave it to me. Are you saying Aiden was trying to kill me?
KYLIE: I mean, people still use them, but you should use dryer balls.
She turns on her machine and leaves.
DYLAN: Dryer balls. Cancer. This is my favourite shirt. I trust it, so it will not be giving me cancer anytime soon.
He folds the shirt.
DYLAN: Geez, it smells weird.
He sniffs it.
DYLAN: Ah man.
He puts it down and folds his other laundry.
DYLAN: Tide is high but I'm moving on...
The ball of lint on the floor starts moving. Dylan sees it out of the corner of his eye. It stays still. He begins singing again. It moves again. He puts his clothes down. As he watches, it moves across the room. Dylan screams and runs out. After he's gone the ball of lint falls off the back of a cockroach.
INT. The Pav.
Everyone is there for their meeting except for Dylan. Smith enters.
SMITH: Where's Dylan?
KYLIE: I just saw him doing laundry.
SMITH: He will be late in 5, 4, 3,
Dylan bursts into the room.
DYLAN: That's it! I have had it! I tried, I tried really hard to do my laundry but everyone says I did it wrong. It took two hours out of my day. Two hours that could have been spent doing other, better things. AND in those two hours, I accidentally got cancer, put an end to the world's freshwater supply, and rotted my desk chair because it's wooden and I put my wet jeans on it. And now there's a monster in the laundry room because I left a ball of lint on the floor. I'm going back to Febreeze!
Dylan exits and slams the door behind him.
SMITH: Why am I here? Why?
CREDITS
INT. Elevator
Mia's in. Ryan steps in.
RYAN: Hey going down?
MIA: Yea!
RYAN: So I noticed you and Dylan hanging out the other day.
MIA: Yea, I was helping him with his laundry. It was so gross.
RYAN: You were holding his underwear.
MIA: Oh, my gosh, never again.
RYAN: Really?
MIA: Never. If I ever have to touch those things again, I swear.
RYAN: Oh. Good.
The elevator doors open.
RYAN: Do you touch a lot of guys underwear?
MIA: What?
RYAN: No-nothing.