Liho, the cat, couldn't have chosen the best time to finally appear. It was the day before Christmas and it was Steve who spotted it first. Steve was cleaning the fridge that morning, stashing out leftovers to make space for all the food Pepper and Laura will be bringing the next day. It has been a month and a half since they moved in and Pepper and Laura thought it would be nice that they all celebrate Steve and Bucky's first Christmas in the house together.
Steve was emptying containers of food at the sink when he glanced at the window and saw the cat perched on the back porch railing, peering back at him. It seemed relaxed but its yellow eyes were piercing that Steve had to take a moment to decide what to do next. As far as he knew, he wasn't really a cat person so he's a bit clueless how to approach the creature without spooking it away. He turned off the faucet and walked to the back door.
"Liho, right?" Steve greeted it with a smile.
Neither of them flinched. Steve decided it was best to let Liho dictate what happens next. So he simply stood there with a smile on his face, thinking how perfect it was for Natasha to get attached to a cat. She and cats shared the same independence and love for solitude. Natasha also couldn't care less for treats, rewards, praises; something cats don't seem to enjoy as much as dogs.
Bucky entered the kitchen.
"Alright, the Christmas socks are finally hung and the sheets in the guest bedroom are finally replaced for Wilson's benefit. Even though I don't know why I even bothered," Bucky said with a playful laugh. He stopped in his tracks at the sight of Steve frozen in place by the door.
"Hey, what's ---,"
"Shhhh," Steve shushed him up immediately without even bothering to look at him.
Bucky followed where Steve's gaze was fixed and his own eyes widened at the sight of Liho. He walked over to Steve and stood beside him as he, too stared at the cat. Its black fur wasn't shiny but nothing that can't be fixed with a good bath. What struck Bucky the most was its eyes. They were wide, golden, glassy, and hard to read. It reminded Bucky of Natasha. Natasha's Red Room training taught her to hide deep and beyond, even from herself, so that not even her green eyes would betray her true emotions. Breaking through her defenses was a feat and even when you successfully manage it, it wasn't because you're good, it was because she let you in. And now, Liho was giving him the same vibe. It wouldn't just let him and Steve housebreak it unless it wanted them to in the first place.
"It means bad luck, you know," Bucky bluntly said.
Steve looked at Bucky questioningly. Bucky continues, "In Russian, Liho means bad luck."
They both stared at the cat which now had stretched and lain on top of the railing but still warily looking at them. Steve then shook his head and said, "Well, not in this house."
Bucky grinned at his friend. Then he opened the back door and stepped outside. Steve immediately looked back at the cat and was relieved to see that it didn't move but its gaze was now fixed at his best friend. Bucky started taking small, cautious steps towards the cat, his flesh arm slightly stretched in front of him. Then with just a couple of feet away from it, he stopped and waited. Liho stretched its neck and its forehead made contact with Bucky's flesh hand. After a few seconds, Bucky finally felt confident enough to scratch Liho's head. He smiled when it happily responded to his touch. Then he picked Liho up and cradled it in his arms. It purred, yawned, and snuggled right there against his chest for a nap.
"Better tell them to bring cat food, too," Bucky said. Steve chuckled and held the door for Bucky and Liho.
***************
Sam arrived that afternoon, with three large pizzas and two dozen beers. He was hoping the three of them could bond first before the chaos of Christmas and of children the next day. He loved Morgan and the Barton kids but he wouldn't miss the chance of having a one chill night, beer in hand, with his best friends.
When he arrived and had settled in, Steve handed him Natasha's letter. The way Natasha talked about him in it made Sam smile and teary-eyed.
"Wait, what did she mean you have great taste in music? Did she get deaf or something?" Bucky joked.
"Hey, man. What can I say. The lady knows the good stuff," Sam said proudly. "Tell him Steve."
Steve only smiled and nodded.
"Okay, so where's this safe?" Sam asked.
Steve led him to his bedroom and opened a door on a wall, revealing a safe. Sam stared at it, lightly scratching his chin, confused. Bucky noticed it.
"Let me guess, you don't know the codes," Bucky asked.
Sam didn't respond. He read the letter again, slower this time, digesting every word of the part about how he knew the code because he's been eyeing Natasha long enough to know it. After reading it a third time, Sam folded the letter again and stared at the numerical keypad of the safe.
Steve finally sat down at the foot of his bed and Bucky leaned on the wall beside the safe and watched Sam carefully.
"Staring and sizing me up won't help, Barnes," Sam said.
Bucky raised his arms in defense and crossed them across his chest. "She said you've eyed her a lot," Bucky said. "You've eyed her, like --- A LOT."
Sam looked at Bucky cautiously. There was something territorial and warning in his tone. Half of Sam knew Bucky was just messing with him, but his other half couldn't help but wonder that he might have crossed some line with Bucky, with Natasha being the love of his life.
"You know you can't blame him, Buck," Steve said. "Or anyone, really."
Bucky smiled mischievously and Sam eased up a bit. Sam looked at the safe again and thought hard. Yes, he had watched Natasha a lot. There were times when it was necessary because they were training and she was teaching him a few combat tricks, and of course there were times when he just couldn't help himself. Especially that time when their new uniforms arrived and Natasha tried hers for the first time.
And right there, it hit Sam. His face finally lightened up, his eyes twinkled with mischief. He confidently reached out to the keypad and punched in six numbers. He paused for a moment, breathed in first, then pressed the 'enter' button. The safe's screen lit green.
"You really know me so well, don't you, Nat?" Sam whispered with a smile.
Inside the safe were a couple hand guns, extra mags, a handful of cash, and the white envelope referred to in the letter. Sam picked it up and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper with a list of names with corresponding code names, contact numbers, and P.O. Box addresses. Towards the bottom of the list were usernames, email and URL addresses and passcodes. Sam looked at the list with confusion.
"It's her web, her network," Bucky said. "Those probably are her contacts all over the world."
"Okay," Sam said, still perplexed. "But why give it to me? Why not to Fury or Hill?"
Bucky shrugged his shoulders and peered into the list. He couldn't help but be impressed with how extensive Natasha's network was.
"Maybe because you're not a spy," Steve said.
"Exactly," Sam said. "Not that this wouldn't be useful but why entrust their identities to me?"
"Since you're not a spy, she assumed you'd never treat them as mere sources," Steve surmised. "You're a people's person, Sam. You know compassion, empathy, and should you ask any of those in the list for help, Natasha's sure, you'd never compromise their welfare by milking them for information."
"And Fury would?" Bucky asked. It was Steve's turn to shrug his shoulder.
Sam stared at the names in his hand, whose lives were now in his hands. Bucky saw his hesitance, his fear. He simply clapped Sam on the shoulder and readied a smile.
"Natasha knew they'd be safe in your hands. And she's right," Bucky said proudly. "You'd never trade these lives for anything else."
"But why not leave it to Steve?"
"She knew I'd rather handle a landmine than a network of informants. I'm too transparent to delve into espionage, Sam," Steve said followed by a laugh. "Besides, you may be man of uniform like me, but like her, you grew up in this era, and you're far better bred to handle the gray of this world."
Sam smiled, bitter-sweetly. Natasha left him a huge responsibility, but instead of feeling burdened by it, he felt proud because it was a testament to how much trust she had in him. He folded the list and put it back in the safe. He removed the handguns first before shutting the safe close again. He saw the huge question mark in Bucky's face.
"I'll keep it here until I find a better spot to hide it in or find an effective way how I can keep and access it at the same without compromising security," Sam explained. "You stash the guns in strategic spots around the house."
Steve agreed and gave Sam a big hug, as if telling him that it was a well deserved gift. Sam smiled back. They were headed out of the door when Bucky blurted out, "So wait, what's the code then?"
Sam turned back to him with a naughty smile and said, "To be honest, I think you and Steve know it too. So, how about, I'll let you figure it out yourself."
Steve laughed out loud and said, "You're right, Sam. I think I do. Would you mind if I check right now?"
"It's your safe," Sam said with a smile.
Before Bucky could say anything else, Steve approached the safe and punched in the codes. Bucky tried to take a peek but Sam stood between them. Steve's first try was wrong. But then he changed the last two digits and the safe opened to him.
"What?!" Bucky exclaimed.
Steve laughed. He closed the safe again and headed for the door. Bucky turned to Sam, pleading that he at least give him a clue.
"I promise, dude, deep down you know the codes too," Sam teased and followed Steve downstairs.
Bucky looked at the safe one last time, scratching his head. But his eyes were on fire and his face was set with determination that he would figure it out.
***********
That night, the three of them sat in the front porch and finished all three large pizza boxes. Liho came out on the porch to join them. It lurked around them for a while, even sat on the floor in front of Sam and stared at him for a long time, sizing him up. Then finally, as if it lost interest on the Sam, or convinced that he wasn't trouble, it hopped and perched itself comfortably on Bucky's lap.
"I guess this means she likes me best," Bucky said with pride.
The moon was already out, its reflection glistening on the surface of the lake. They have spent the last three hours laughing, joking, and teasing each other. Sam promised himself that he wouldn't bring up anything work-related, no matter how much he wanted to rant. But Steve, being the perceptive person that he was, felt it, so he at one point steered their conversation towards that topic for Sam's benefit.
"You know, you can still come and work, right?" Sam said to Steve.
"I'm done, Sam," Steve said with a smile. "Besides, there's already a memorial with my name engraved on it. It'd be a shame to render it useless."
"Yeah, he's done, Wilson. What are you trying to do?" Bucky asked rhetorically.
Sam laughed and pointed at Bucky. "Well, you better watch out, Barnes. I think Fury's cooking something for you."
"Well, good thing we moved, right? He wouldn't know where to knock because he doesn't know where my door is," Bucky said with a laugh.
"But seriously, though. Don't you want to go back out there?" Sam asked with seriousness in his voice.
Bucky looked at his half-empty beer bottle. He sighed and said, "I'm not sure."
Steve gave Bucky a comforting tap on the shoulder and said, "You'll figure it out. I promise. Take your time."
"Yeah, like how you'll figure out the safe code," Sam teased.
Steve laughed. Then Bucky continued, "There's another thing that's been bothering me, though."
Steve and Sam turned serious and waited patiently for Bucky to gather his thoughts.
"In her letter, she specifically said she wanted me to have the bedroom with the view of the lake. Why? I mean, she didn't necessarily say that Steve should have the master suite but why very specific with me?"
"Hmmm, you're right, that is interesting," Sam said. "She was very specific with what she wanted us to have. Me the list, Steve, his art studio, and you, that room."
They all fell silent for a long time. Steve, too, was deciphering things internally. It didn't seem peculiar to him at first but Sam's argument made sense. Plus the fact that Bucky was not just any other man in Natasha's life. Steve looked at Bucky with a smile.
"Like I said, Buck, you'll figure it out. We can help you ---,"
"Nah. I think this one's on me," Bucky said with a smile. "Like Sam said, the safe was his to crack, this one is mine."
Steve nodded in understanding. Bucky raised his beer and dedicated a toast for her, "For she is the fire in all of us, that not even death would dare to touch."
**********
It was past one in the morning when they all finally decided to go to bed. Steve maybe over a hundred years old but he didn't back down. His alcohol tolerance was still way beyond normal. Bucky went straight to his room and plopped himself on the bed. He didn't notice but Liho had followed him and it went straight to the window where it sat on the sill, staring down at him on the bed. Bucky stared back but his attention drifted from the cat to the moon, which is now fully visible from his window. He stood up and joined Liho. He scratched its head and it returned a purr.
Why this room, Natalia? Bucky asked, silently.
No answer came. All he got was the moon staring back at him and this brought him back, all the way back to those times when he and Natasha secretly met. Those might have been stolen nights but everything they did together and whispered to each other were theirs and theirs alone. He recalled how they stared at the moon together and let it bathe them in its melancholic glow.
Bucky started to tear up. And to distract himself from crying, he sat up and looked around the room. He needed to figure out why this room. It was ordinary. He knelt on the floor and felt the floorboards, lightly pressing here and there to see if any segment would come loose. Nothing. He went to the walls next. He traced his hands on them, feeling for a hidden door or something. Again nothing. All he got was Sam's soft snores from the other side. He went for the ceiling next. Nothing.
Exhausted and frustrated, Bucky went back to the window and stared outside. Liho surprised him when it hopped on his shoulder and settled there like it was a tree branch. Bucky chuckled and let the feline have its way. For the past month he'd been sleeping in that room, he haven't really took the time to appreciate the view of the lake from the window. It just started snowing so the lake wasn't frozen yet. Bucky relaxed a bit and enjoyed the view, which Natasha seemed to be so keen for him to have.
He didn't know how long he was staring at the lake when something caught his attention. He didn't notice before because the moon wasn't in the right position yet for its light to bounce off it. But now, it was clear and shining. The shape was very subtle but it was there --- a star. It was carved on the trunk of the tree by the lake shore, directly outside of Bucky's window and at the same height as Bucky's room. It was shining because it seemed like the carving was filled with gold.
Bucky hurried downstairs. His training helped him dash out of the house without raising a racket. He didn't want to wake Steve and Sam, not until he found out what was waiting for him outside. With Liho at his heels and the snow crunching beneath his every step, he jogged towards the tree and looked up. The golden star carving wasn't visible from where he was standing now but he was sure it was the tree. He touched its ragged trunk as if trying to feel anything from its core. Then he circled it. He looked up and thought if he should climb. But there was nothing extraordinary with its canopy above so he directed his eyes below. The tree is tall and old, some of its roots were jutting out from the snow. If it wasn't for his perfect eyesight, Bucky would have missed it --- another star carved way down the trunk, almost hidden behind the roots and snow. This one was just an outline. No gold filling. In the spring and summer, it would be hidden by grass.
Not really bothered by the cold, Bucky knelt down and touched the carving. He expected some sort of hidden compartment but there was none. So his instinct told him he must dig. Right there and then, Bucky started digging with his metal hand. First the snow then the soil itself. Then twelve inches down, his fist made contact with something and he heard a 'clang'. Minutes later, he was pulling out a silver metal box, the size of a big shoe box. It was plain except for a red star on top and a fingerprint scanner. Without anymore hesitation, Bucky placed his right thumb on it and waited for the lock to click and the lid was released from its latch. Bucky fully opened the box, almost tearing the lid off, and what he found inside made him weak in his knees. He dropped the box in the snow and scooped out a couple of worn-out journals. His journals.
He flipped through the pages and recognized his own handwriting, the bits and pieces of memories he jotted down since escaping Washington DC to Bucharest. He remembered how he followed and held onto those memories like bread crumbs, hoping it would lead him back to himself. He thought he lost those journals when they took him into custody. Natasha must have nicked them before disappearing in 2016.
There was a third journal in the box and Bucky remembered it was the newest of the three, having only written on its first twelve pages or so. He picked it out of the box but then stopped. Something else was at the bottom of the box. It was another journal. It wasn't his but it contained him.
Bucky froze. He looked undecided and scared as the familiar red journal with a black star on its cover waited for him to make a move. Bucky dropped the three journals in the snow and peered into the box. He didn't dare touch its last content. The night was so quiet that he could hear his own palpitations.
Finally, Bucky mustered the strength to pick it up. But he just held it for a while, staring at it. Then finally, he opened it and a sticky note with Natasha's handwriting greeted him.
Forgive the past.
The future is yours, moy mily.
You have my love, then and always.
- Natalia
Bucky's vision started to blur with tears as he gently caressed Natasha's name on the paper with his fingers. He sobbed, almost soaking Natasha's note with his own tears. Then he heard the front door creaked open. He looked up and saw Steve standing there. He wanted to move, to stand or at least tell Steve he was fine, but he couldn't bring himself to. His shoulders were shaking, his hands were shaking, and his heart was breaking. It was so painful, even more painful compared to the physical pain when he tore his arm trying to break his fall.
Steve saw Bucky crying but held his ground for a while. He thought that whatever Bucky found could be something between him and Natasha or between Bucky and himself. So Steve felt that he shouldn't intrude. Only when he saw Bucky wiping his tears and finally taking in a big breath to compose himself that Steve left the porch and walked into the snow.
Steve reached Bucky and sat himself on one of the protruding roots. He didn't say anything. He just held Bucky's shoulder and let his best friend silently cry by his knees. Steve saw the journals and pieced everything together. He picked up the red book and saw Natasha's note inside. Steve took a deep breath.
"You've never really asked me why I chose to stay in the other timeline," Steve said.
Bucky looked at Steve not knowing what to say. He almost said that it didn't matter but he couldn't lie to Steve and to himself anymore. Of course it mattered to him, he just didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Steve looked back at him with a sad smile.
"It was because I wanted to fulfill the last thing Natasha asked me to do, to get a life. So I did," Steve continued. "I always knew I would come back because I had every intention of keeping my promise to you."
Bucky smiled.
"So I hope you can forgive me for leaving you for a while."
Bucky nodded and gave Steve a reassuring pat on the knee.
Steve smiled with relief and said, "And now, it's your turn to get a life, Buck."
"I know," Bucky said. "I just wish she's here."
"She is," Steve said with a smile and looked back at the note with a smile on his face. "Then and always."
Bucky smiled and nodded. He released a huge sigh of relief and further eased up when he felt Steve's comforting and encouraging tap on his shoulder. He put all the journals back in the box and shut it close. He would deal with them later. Then he sat on the box and looked far away. Everything was still quiet and despite the brightness of the moon, he could see the sky littered with thousand of stars.
Then and always, Natalia, Bucky silently whispered to the moon.
***********
*A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I started writing these chapters as my own way of coping after the events of Endgame. I strongly feel that Natasha wasn't properly grieved for by the people around her. So this is me grieving for her. But right now, I honestly don't know how I'm going to end this story. Haha! Maybe because a part of me doesn't want it to end. I have plot ideas but I'm still figuring out the logic of it all. I can follow the whole 'Natasha clone' plotline in the comic books but I'll figure it out first. So I'm not going to end this story, not officially, 'cause who knows, an idea might hit me sooner or later. Thanks again!!!