"Well, this has to be the best place I've ever ended up for this game." Clay said, flipping the kickstand on his bike next to mine. He clicked the buckle on his helmet with one hand, admiring the view.
"You may want to slide your shoes off for this one," I said, nodding at my sandals that I'd already left beside my bike.
"Fair point," Clay agreed, surveying the length of the beach and nodding.
We looked at one another, unsure of what to do next.
"First one to the water wins," Clay said, suddenly taking off towards the lake. I chased after him, knowing I knew this place way better than he did. The way Clay was headed, I knew he was planning on running straight through the bushes. What he didn't know was that there were burrs and thorns that would stab him to hell and back, nor did he know about my alternate route. I fell behind him in hopes that he would assume I was following him, but darted to the left right before he got to the thorns. There I ran straight off a dock, hidden out of plain sight by the height of the plant growth around it.
Splash.
I heard Clay yell for me in frantic confusion after I jumped in. Laughing to myself underwater, I swam to the right until I was straight in front of him in the water. I popped up to the surface, unsticking my hair from my face as I laughed at Clay staring at me in bewilderment.
"How did you... what the..." Clay stuttered.
"Magic," I laughed. "Are you coming in or what?"
"I mean... ouch," Clay lifted his shirt above the bushes so I could see the burrs that had caught on.
I pointed to the left. "That way!" I yelled. Clay gave me a weird look but ventured out from the thorny vines and towards the dock. A minute later I heard a splash a few yards away. Apparently he found it.
It was getting darker outside; the sun was settling its way back into the horizon. I squinted, spinning around in search of Clay. Suddenly, I felt something lift me up and throw me back into the water a couple feet away, my back smacking against the water with a thwack.
"Hey, ow!" I yelped in protest, spitting water as I tried to keep my head above the water.
Clay just grinned, shaking his hair. Water flew from it and little strands stuck to his forehead, framing his face. The deep brown in his eyes brought out little flecks of all the colors that were pulled out as he faced the setting sun. In this light I could see freckles that formed across his nose and cheeks, a sign of a little too much sun but a whole lot of fun he'd had. And above his head I saw his clock ticking down, faster and faster every moment I stared at it. Before, the concern for me was that it was ticking down minutes at the rate of seconds, but now it was days. Days were flying by faster than I could count. My head was spinning. How was this possible? Was it my fault?
Let fate run its course. Tia's voice rang in my ears.
"Are you okay?" Clay asked. He was now right in front of me, looking really worried. He tucked my hair behind my ear, holding my face in his hand. I felt my cheeks instantly heat up, but there was no hiding from that.
"I'm-- I'm okay."
Clay's face didn't say that he believed me. "Maybe we should get out of the water, get you on land," he said, taking my hand and walking me up to shore.
We laid down on the beach, the stand sticking to our damp arms. Just laying in the silence, watching the sunset. Clay reached over, grabbing my hand and twisting his fingers between mine.
"My dad is getting really sick, Eva," Clay said, breaking the silence.
I turned to look at him. He had also turned to face me, looking straight into my eyes. For once, I couldn't see his clock, only the hurt in his eyes. And it was cut really deep.
"What's wrong?" I whispered, maintaining eye contact.
Clay's eyes shone glassy and he turned away, laying his other arm over his eyes. "They say it's not going to be much longer."
"What're you going to do?" I asked, unable to peel my eyes away from him. It was worse than seeing the clocks. I couldn't remember another time when I'd felt like I actually saw just a person for themselves. I'd felt the need to do a lot of saving in my life, but never had I felt so helpless. I knew that no matter what I did, no matter what anyone did, I couldn't help Clay. And it twisted me inside, manifesting an anger, an empathy, a hurt I didn't even know I had.
"I don't know," Clay said, breathing in one long, shaky breath and laying his far arm back down by his side. "I'm almost 18, I will be in about a month. So once he's gone," he swallowed, trying to take the tears with it, but I saw them start to roll. "I have literally nothing."
I couldn't look at him anymore. I looked back at the sky, feeling myself begin to shake. I knew what he was going to ask of me, and I knew I couldn't do it.
I couldn't be his everything, not with the way I affected his time. I wasn't sure how Clay was going to feel about his time on this Earth anyways once the one thing he had was gone, but I wasn't going to be the one to shorten it.
"Eva," Clay started. I squinted my eyes shut, feeling the tears start to come. "Please promise me you won't leave too."
The one promise to him I knew I couldn't make. I looked back at him, this time snapping back to reality and seeing his clock. This time, full years were flying off of it as seconds. I knew I didn't even have a full minute to explain, but I knew I had to leave. Never in my life had I seen time fly so fast.
"I can't," I choked out.
"What?" Clay said, sitting up.
"I can't Clay, I'm sorry," I said, now standing. He joined me grabbing my hands. I felt the tears begin to roll.
"Why? Did I do something? I don't mean to push so much on you, if that's what it is, I'm sorry, I won't again, I promise--"
"It's not that, Clay. It's not you, I promise. I just can't," I paused, taking a deep breath and looking at his clock. I didn't have any time left at this rate. "I know you think I am, but I'm not good for you. It sucks, and I can't tell you why, but I'm not, and you have to trust me."
"But you are!" Clay protested, his voice cracking. "You're so good," he whispered.
"I'm not," I said, aching at the strain in my voice. I reached on my tiptoes, kissing him one last time. "I love you."
And just like that, I ran. I picked up my shoes on the way but didn't bother putting them on, knowing that if I stopped I could never start again, but I had to leave. It was what was best for him. The thing about the clocks is yeah, they're a gift when you can help people, but when someone's clock starts ticking down around me faster and faster and I can't even explain why... I have to leave. I can't live with the guilt. I can't live with the pressure. It would be my fault. Whatever happened, I knew it would, because I would be the only person on the planet that could've known what was best, and I can't stand by and just let bad things happen.
Ignorance is bliss, but I'll never know what it's like.
***
"Eva, what is it?!" Tia asked, immediately worried when she picked up the phone to my heavy breathing, a result of crying while running. Definitely would not recommend.
"It's not good," I said, slowing down in front of my house, straining my voice as I tried not to cry. "And I really need you here right now."
"I'm on my way," Tia said. I heard her house keys clinking in the background. "Hang in there." Click.
I came in through the front door, closing it behind me and squinting my eyes shut, pleading for the world to just fade away. I hated having to hurt people because of something I couldn't control. I hated knowing no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't help someone. I hated feeling useless.
I felt a sudden presence. Looking to my right, I saw Matt and Jane in the living room. Although I couldn't see her face, Jane was visibly shaken.
"They're so pissed," Jane said, sniffling into Matt's chest. With any other girl, I know he would've been so grossed out with someone else's snot on him. But with Jane, he just held her even tighter, letting all the sadness fluids pour out of her and onto him.
"Jane," Matt said, grabbing her by the shoulders and making her look at him. "I don't care what your parents think. People get pregnant, shit happens, in and out of college. And your choice to keep this little guy," Matt said, playfully poking Jane's stomach and smiling. "While continuing to study makes me the happiest guy in the world. And I know that together, we can do it. Okay?"
Jane nodded, taking a deep breath. The moment was sweet, but that didn't stop the boiling rage and depression inside me that was beginning to spill over.
Matt finally took notice of me, squeezing Jane's hand and whispering that he'd be right back. He came over to me, a look of concern on his face. I hated it. Never in his life had he really cared about what I was doing.
"Eva, where have you been? What's wrong?" he asked, pulling me in for a hug.
I stepped back, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm fine," I said, feeling my insides heat up. He couldn't fix anything either. He was just as useless as I was. And the one time he couldn't even try to fix it was the one time he actually showed any sign of caring. Not when our parents weren't around and he was out drinking, not when I was trying to study and he was throwing a house party, not when I wasn't even sure what I was doing with my life and he didn't have any brotherly advice to give. All he'd ever done in my life was shush me, just like he did when we were little.
"Eva, let me help," Matt said, trying to hug me again.
"Since when do you ever even care?!" I popped off, stepping back once more. "You've never once cared about where I was! All you've cared about is drinking so much you can't even remember where your own room is! All you've ever cared about is partying to try to get a reaction out of mom and dad, anything to bring them home! All you ever cared about has nothing to do with your little sister and everything to do with yourself!" I screamed. "And don't even think now because you're going to be a father, you try to be the brother you never were. Because you can't."
I pushed past him, checking him with my shoulder as I ran away from the second problem of the night that I knew I couldn't fix. Nothing I could say or do could ever fix our relationship.
Clover was lying on my bed, instantly sensing that something was wrong. Jane had Matt, and I had Clover. I didn't need anyone else for comfort. No one--
I heard a knock on my door.
"Tia!" I exclaimed, picking myself up off the floor and opening my bedroom door to Tia, holding a Kroger bag full of snacks in one hand and tissues in the other.
"I came prepared."
I threw my arms around her, nearly throwing her off balance.
"Tell me everything," she said, setting the snack stash down and handing me the tissues.
And so I did. As much as I could anyways. But once it came time to tell her about the clock, I couldn't. Now would not be the time to spill the world's biggest secret.
"I just," I tried to think about how the clocks really made me feel. Not just as a responsibility, but how a normal person might still feel without them. A guilt. A helplessness. "I felt like I couldn't save him."
"From the stuff with his dad?" Tia asked.
"Yeah, from the stuff with his dad," I said, nodding. That was a good way to frame it to the world.
"Eva," Tia said, pulling me in for a hug. "You know you couldn't have known. You can't do anything to fix that."
It took everything in me not to chuckle at the irony. "I know."
Tia sighed, looking at all the snack wrappers surrounding us. She took her arm, and with one giant sweep she sent them all flying onto the floor. "That looks like a problem for tomorrow," Tia said. "Here's the plan: you are going to go get a shower because, no offense, you reek of lake water. I'm going to go pop this in the microwave," she grabbed a bag of popcorn, my favorite, waving it in front of my eager eyes. "And when I come back, we are going to watch a movie and everything is going to be okay. Okay?"
"Okay," I nodded weakly, pulling myself off of the bed and into the shower. Well, more of Tia pulling me off of my bed and shoving me into the bathroom before slamming the door behind me, as if to say "you'd better be getting a shower!"
I stepped in, letting the heat strip everything off of me. Not just the lake water, but everything I'd been feeling. I could no longer attach emotions to my duty I'd been given-- to help people who didn't even know they needed help, and not to get tangled up in a whirlwind romance in the process. Everyone is placed in the world for a reason, and mine was to help people who didn't even know they needed it. And if that meant not being there for them was the best way to help them, then that is what I had to do. Clay's time was ticking down to tell me to get away, and I did. Now, even though I couldn't be there with him, I trusted that he was safe. My job had been done, and I do my job well.
When I stepped out of the steam, gone were my days of emotional attachment. My assignment from the universe was to help people in a way only I knew how, and that is what I knew I had to do.
Tia had kept her promise, waiting for me on my bed with a bunch of fluffy blankets and the biggest bowl of popcorn I'd ever seen. I immediately dove into it, double fisting copious amounts of buttery goodness.
I had so many problems in my life, but popcorn was not about to be one.