After the disastrous breakfast, I no longer feel like the day. It would be so easy for me to just flop into my bed and never resurface. So easy to go on pretending. So easy to hide myself away again. But I know I can't do that. I've got a job to do.
Because I can't let her win.
So I go and get my bag instead. I struggle to kick my brain into gear enough to figure out exactly what subjects I had today. Eventually I have to go and find my timetable, which I haven't looked at since my first day at school. I decided it would be better to get to know the truancy officer again after my summer off.
It turns out that I have history first. Then double maths. My already fried brain is struggling to compute this information and I'm having to fight with it to not turn itself off immediately. At least I'll have a break in the middle to recover a little bit. I still don't know how I'm going to manage it.
My timetable tells me I have English before lunch and then art and biology after. Great. My plan for after school may not be as well executed as I would like.
I shove all my books into my bag just as my sister yells up the stairs to tell me to get downstairs if I want to catch the bus. My heart sinks simultaneously with my groaning brain. I hate public transport. But I pick up my bag, sling it over my shoulder and walk downstairs anyway.
Because I can't let her win.
As I walk downstairs and approach the front door, my sister looks at me dubiously as if she can't actually believe that I am coming to school. She is not the only one. My brain is struggling to believe it and is still desperately trying to get me to about turn and head back upstairs. I can tell that Jenny knows I do not want to come to school by the way in which she is eyeing my legs dubiously as they struggle to make it to the front door. They move woodenly, like a puppet, just like the rest of my body.
When I finally reach the front door I know that this is it, now or never. I inhale deeply as Jenny shoots me another dubious look before opening the door, letting a blast of cool autumn air through the door, blowing my hair back slightly. I scowl deeply as Jenny looks at me apologetically and shove my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans.
"You might want a jacket," she says to me, a smile starting to quirk at the corners of her mouth as she watches me shiver slightly in the cool breeze. My frown deepens and I shake my head slightly hunching my shoulders and bowing my head. Jenny tries to hide her smile but doesn't succeed. She shrugs slightly at me. "Suit yourself." She moves slightly past me, leaving the door wide open and yells upstairs. "Bye mum, see you later."
"Bye sweetie, have a good day at school," my mother replies enthusiastically while she runs down the stairs to give Jenny a hug. The smile on her face falters slightly when she sees me standing there. "Oh," she says, looking shocked. She quickly covers it up with a wide smile which doesn't reach her eyes. "Bye Jo. Have a good day." She reaches over to hug me too, but I step out of the way and walk out of the house before she ahs the chance to. I don't look back to see her hurt expression.
As I walk down the path I hear Jenny apologising to my obviously upset mother. I don't wait for her to catch up with me when I hear the door slam. I just keep walking away, down the pavement towards the bus stop.
"What the hell, Joanna," she all but shouts at me. "Why did you do that? Could you not see how upset she was? Do you have no feelings?" She exhales loudly in frustration and I hear her l loud footsteps clattering along the pavement to catch up with me. I feel a hand on my shoulder and suddenly I am facing her.
"Aren't you going to say something to me? Fight back you ungrateful, emotionless little . . . Ugh!" She shoves my shoulder and glares at me with blazing eyes. I don't know what she expects me to say. So I just turn around and keep walking.
I hear a small scream erupt form her lips as she continues to walk as well, not even bothering to catch up with me. "Your infuriating, you know that? Your so bundled up in this blanket of pity that you can't see anyone but yourself and your needs. We've all got problems too, you know. And you just make everything worse." I try not to flinch at her words. They hit home, more than she probably realises or expects them to. I am selfish. I'm too selfish to care that I'm selfish, or do anything about it. I just want to ignore everything and pretend I have no emotions.
But something about her words cause a reaction inside of me, a feeling that I've been trying to suppress ever since that day.
Guilt.
When was the last time I spoke to my little sister? Properly spoke to her, about her school work, her friends, her life? I realise that I don't know. I can't remember. And I feel extremely guilty for it. And that is an emotion that I don't want to feel.
I resent my sister slightly, for having the nerve to confront, to talk about touchy subjects, for making me feel. I want to turn around and start on her, then give her a hug and cry on her shoulder, spilling out everything. But I don't. I just keep walking away, like I always do. Away from her, away from my emotions, away from my life.
Finally we reach the bus stop, where a couple of other kids form our school are standing. they stare at me as if I am a rare species of bird that can only be seen once in a millennia. They immediately start whispering and shooting looks at me, as if I cannot see them, or here them. I know that my story is well known around the school, and that I have basically become a recluse, but there is no need to be rude. So I decide to stare them down.
The two people look terrified and immediately look away with embarrassment and I stand there, feeling satisfied and suitably alone. But then I here the voice in my ear.
"Having fun?" I jump causing the two nosy people to turn back around and stare again. I nothing short of glare at them and they look away again hurriedly. I slowly turn my head so as to see who spoke, even though I know exactly who it was.
My suspicions are confirmed as I see her lounging happily on the seat of the bus shelter behind me, looking at me curiously.
"When are you going to stop pretending Joanna?" she asks me harshly. "What are you doing here? Go home. And stay there. This plan is not going to work." She glares at me. The hatred she feels for me is so obvious that I'm surprised I have not started burning up because of the heat of it.
She continues to stare me down and I swallow uncomfortably and loudly. My palms have started to sweat and I can feel my throat starting to close. I desperately don't want to have a panic attack. that would be a disaster, my day ended before it had truly even started.
She continues to stare at me and I can feel my head beginning to get woozy and light. I know in a few seconds that I'm going to either curl up in a ball in the foetal position, screaming, or keel over in a dead faint. I silently hope it is the latter.
I feel a hand on my arm, and I yelp, turning to see Jenny staring at me weirdly and looking over my shoulder embarrassed. I turn and see the two idiots from earlier walking towards us, not bothering to hide their stares. I here her laughing behind me.
Jenny turns back to me. "The bus is here Jo." I turn back and look beyond the two people to where the bus is making it's way over to where we are standing. Jenny looks at me one last time before turning and walking away towards the bus.
I start over there too, but not before she speaks to me one last time.
"Your really pathetic you know, Jo." My step falters slightly and I almost do not make it to the bus stop, every nerve in my body screaming at me to get the hell away form her, away form her. But I make it.
Because I can't let her win.
I end up last in the queue for the bus. I stand and hope that there will be a seat on the bus for me to sit alone in. The last thing I want is to have to sit next to some weirdo who kept staring at me.
Finally it is my turn to get on the bus. I am just about to walk on past the bus driver, but he stops me. "Hey," he says gruffly. He raises an eyebrow. "Are you new?" I look at him for several seconds, not really understanding. Just as he is about to ask again, I respond.
"No," I say, looking at him perplexed. He frowns at me.
"May I see your bus pass," he says. I open my bag, rummaging around in it for my bus pass. I can feel the eyes of the people on the bus boring into me and my face flushes. I finally find it and hand it over to him with a shaking hand. He takes it off me and looks at it closely. I watch him, my eye starting to twitch with stress. I just want to sit down and forget about everything.
Suddenly, his eyes widen and he hands the pass back to me. "Your Johanna Prescott?" he asks incredulously. I nod tentatively. "You haven't got the bus for ages. I'm sorry I didn't recognise you." I shrug and run away down the bus, shoving me bus pass back into my bag. I raise my eyes briefly, scanning the bus for a seat, and my eyes make contact with someone I really didn't want to see.
Sam Riley is staring at me intently. When I meet his eyes, they spark, with something that looks too much like hope for my liking. He sits up in his seat slightly and he opens his mouth as if to speak to me. I remember that promise I made him so long ago. And I know I have to avoid him today at all costs.
Suddenly I realise that I was standing stock still in the middle of the bus, and when the bus lurches into first and drives off, I nearly fall over. Sam looks like he is about to get up and drag me over to sit next him so I quickly find a seat and huddle against the window, settling there for the ride to school.