~
Mark Lee
~
"Mark Lee," sounded the voice of our school dean through the loudspeaker of the auditorium, filled with emotional, sobbing parents, proud grandparents and teachers staring fondly at the students, indifferent siblings glued to their cellphones, and most importantly, a group of anxiously waiting students, biting their lips in a nervous excitement. They're uneasy about their futures going forward, draped in their deep plum graduation robes with tassels still hung to the right of their graduation caps, that and their diploma being the only barrier from facing the real world, without the shoulder of their family to lean on.
Stepping up from my seat on the auditorium floor, everyone who has technically graduated, with their diplomas in hand, to my left, and the rest left to receive their to my right, I take a deep breath in and collect myself for a moment. I'm not feeling anxious at all nor do I feel any emotional attachment to this moment. This is even most would be feeling immensely proud of the painstaking work and countless nights spent awake studying to get to this moment where all of their effort and sacrifice are being rewarded.
Yet, I'm simply exhausted and ready to get this done with. It's been a blur of the last four years, and not in a good way. Sure, it would be unfair to say that it's been a wholly unpleasant experience, as I've learned a plethora of useful things, explored and reconnected with my hometown plenty, grew new friendships, and enriched myself as a person, but I didn't want any of this. It's as simple as that. I didn't want to move to Vancouver for university, to spend days upon days stressing over schoolwork in pursuit of success, which is exactly what tore a part of my childhood away from me back in Seoul.
Knowledge is power, and I'm certainly an embodiment of that, but when it takes mental strife and physical suffering, I don't know if that power is worth wielding. I thought knowledge was all I needed when I was back in elementary school, believing that intellect and my high level of intelligence were all I needed to be happy and feel fulfilled with my life. Hell, was I wrong, and I realized I had realized that earlier on. All I wanted was to spend my adolescence, the most formative years to a naive young man, with my best friends by my side to lean on during tough times and to learn alongside with. I wanted to see the boys graduate life, watching with pride as my parents are for me now, to be their beacon of light in the pitch-black night, to be their older brother to guide them through their troubles like an old, experienced soul.
Seeing my parents up in the bleachers, standing up in gratification, proud tears well up in the corners of their eyes like they were that day I won this scholarship and my future was decided. I can't help but feel satisfied that I've made their wish become reality, that I've been the good, obedient, studious son they always wanted and accomplished what they weren't able to. After all, I wouldn't have spent the last four years working my mind to its breaking point of knowledge if I didn't want to please them and become the son they dreamed to have. I see their faces, so joyful and glowing, and I feel satisfied that I was able to at least please them, even if I couldn't please myself.
Satisfaction doesn't equal happiness, though. Satisfaction is simply the emotion that stems from the fulfillment of one's wishes or needs, and at the end of the day, what significance does satisfaction hold to me if I can't be truly happy within myself, feeling gratification for fulfilling my dreams and not someone else's? I never wanted this, after all; the satisfaction that stems from being my parent's ideal son is only a mask, obscuring my desires and path to happiness. My parents only love me and want the best for me, and I'm sure that if I had told them four years back that this wasn't the right path for me, they would've given in and let me follow the path I wanted, but all I wanted back then was to not disappoint them after all they had given me. I wish I had taken agency of my life back then.
If only I had been selfish and thought about myself for once, I would be living life on my own terms, glowing and loving myself and my life. But I could never think about or prioritize myself; I'm Mark Lee. It would be out of my nature to put my needs first; I've always been the leader, the role model, and a leader never puts themselves first, and here we are, the path to my dreams so far out of my reach because I sacrificed the last four years for someone else. I suppose that it's true that the captain always goes down with his ship; I'm going down, along with my dreams.
Why am I looking at my graduation so negatively then? Why am I so indifferent? This is the end of these exhausting, unsatisfying four years, and my key to escape this chained-up, restrictive life is a few meters from me, taking the form of a diploma, that worthless piece of paper that so many attach such great value to and feel so validated by. It's stupid to think a piece of paper is a token, the representation of the culmination of four years of tireless work and dedication, but if that's my ticket out of this unsatisfying life, I'm willing to attach some value to it.
A newfound vigor and excitement to graduate igniting inside, my expression no longer holds somber and my skin is no longer sallow, now a determination is lit within the deep brown of my irises hold strong, my cheeks flush with life, and my expression is fired-up, ready to chase after my passions. My callousness towards graduation begins to manifest into a burning desire and confidence to reconnect with my true home, my best friends, which may finally be possible now that my schooling is finally over. Walking down the aisle with poise, thick robes flowing loose around me as I stride my way over to the dean at the podium, a proud look in his eyes as he sees one of his star students approaching him to graduate school, but more importantly, this chapter of life, both with honors.
Stepping up, I look at the older man, grey hairs and crow's feet at the corners of his eyes, warmth radiating from his smile. He's been doing this already for the past hour, smiling graciously as he hands out diplomas to thousands of students, toughing out the boredom and repetitiveness of this obligation, but I can see the small glint in his eyes when I walk up to the podium. He acknowledges me, and he's proud, which I can't help but feel validated by, even past the front of distaste and annoyance I've put up towards university. But he's not the only one.
Even among the endless crowd of parents who only give a shit when their child is called up to the podium, I can see my parents, standing up proudly in their best attire, my father letting tears slip out of the corner of his eye and my mother's eye makeup smudged. This is the dream for two working-class, immigrant parents; to see their son graduate from a prestigious university with a degree in a stable, respectable field and a good-set of careers set up right in front of him. They're so proud, and though I've done everything I can to not let them down, just so I could see those proud, reassuring smiles on their faces, I can't live this life any longer. It's just not going to work. Either way, I continue on, knowing that I've at least done the best I can for them.
Shaking the dean's hand firmly with one hand and wrapping my hand around my diploma with the other, I finally break out into a smile, directed right towards the cameras of my parents. They're ready to capture one of the most affirming, special moments for them, frozen in a picture forever, ready to show-off on the mantle in our living room. Yet, this happens to be one of the first times I've genuinely smiled in the past four years, and again, it's not because graduation is a memorable, joyful moment for me. It's because I've finally realized that this can be the end of my pain, depression, and regret if I finally take control of my future. This can be the beginning of my future; a little fuzzy without the focus of lenses, but still bright and vibrant despite the unclarity. But even with the unclarity, I can still make out the outlines of six boys, all of whom are imperative to me and my life moving forward.
Whispering quietly, the dean says, "Congratulations, Mark. You can finally go back home." And I freeze, my hand stiffening as I feel his words pierce through me like an arrow striking the bullseye; he hit the target. Realizing that I have to move off the stage now, I mumble a quick, "Thank you, sir," before scurrying frantically back to my seat, his six-word sentence running through my head like a mantra.
He knew. I was never too close with the dean, but he knew my background. I had told him a while back that I was born in Vancouver, grew up in Seoul, and that I had returned "home" for college back in Vancouver, but the old man was still sharp. He must have sensed that Vancouver wasn't truly my home when I told him, but he never gave me a clue of that, and like with everyone, I tried to put up a facade of happiness in front of him. Was I that unconvincing? I suppose that it's easy enough to see past people's masks when you've observed them for long enough.
The procession finally ends, and I'm able to reunite with my parents, sifting precariously through the packed crowd of families trying to reach their child, and as soon as their sweet, parently gazes lock onto mine, they come running towards me. Enveloping me in a hug, my heart lights ablaze, and I'm brought back to my childhood days, when I was so small that both of them could easily embrace my body at the same time, holding me like a small child. But here I am, several years later, having to gaze downwards to meet my mother's beautiful eyes, as she conversely has to look up to meet my gaze. Pressing a kiss to my cheek, she holds me tight, her emotions so intense I absorb the pride radiating through both her and my father, who hugs me from the other side.
I'm reminded again why I sacrificed these four, exhausting, painstakingly difficult years for them. I love them endlessly, and four years back, I supposed that my love for them and my desire for their happiness greatly outweighed my own. And though I'd still sacrifice most things for them--they brought me into this beautiful, exciting world, after all--I know I can no longer sacrifice myself and my life for them. Though doubts still run through the back of my mind, I finally recognize that I only have one chance to live this god-given life, and I have an obligation to myself, my friends, and even my parents, to make the most of it.
My tassel now lays on the left side, my diploma is now in my hand, and I finally know that these four years may have not been for nothing. I'm out of this stressful life, and if the tassel is pointing towards anything, it's that I'm past this chapter of my life and a new, freshly-painted door waits ahead of me to open up and step fearlessly into. This is going to be a new beginning, and I'll no longer be alone and incomplete.
~~~
3 months later
"Mark, why haven't you turned in the monthly report yet? You can't be late when you've just started the job! Our boss is going to fire you and maybe even me on the spot, and I'm not going to let you destroy this chance for me. We're at the biggest engineering firm in the whole country, and I can't let this opportunity be blown away because of your indolence and whatever your depressing backstory and personal problems are," my coworker criticizes and shouts at me, deservingly, I might add, as I give him the most drained, impertinent glare, as I look like an unkempt vagabond, my face unshaved, eye bags, uncombed hair, and wrinkled clothing. I hate life right now.
My coworker and I both only started work at this engineering firm two months ago, both first-generation Canadian-Koreans fresh out of prestigious universities. The only difference, though, is that he's incredibly passionate about this job, and is hard-working, disciplined, well-liked, and usually has a good attitude. I share all of those attributes with him... usually, that is, but I'm exactly the opposite now. I'm sure by my resume and interview with the firm, the people who were hiring me expected an upbeat, dedicated, and bright worker, but again, I had to throw that facade on another time to get the job. I don't want to be here, living this drab life in the middle of Vancouver, helping oversee and manage random engineering projects around the city.
And yet again, I gave up my chance to finally live life brightly again, instead of dreading waking up each day, and only being able to put minimal effort into everything I do. I feel like an outcast from the world right now, and in all seriousness, it's not a good look on me. I've stopped caring about anything; my work, family, friends, and just life, in general, and I feel trapped because I don't know what to do and where my escape out of here is.
I thought I had broken free and liberated myself from the chains of what my parents wanted from me. After graduation, I was sure that in just a few week's time, I'd be on a flight back to Korea to go back home and see my most beloved friends again. I thought I'd be happy again, nestled in their arms as we continued to make new, joyous memories to add to our already full trove of beautiful moments.
But of course, I can never seem to live for myself, and for no one else but me. Selflessness is my one major fault, and I can't ever seem to deny people's needs or wishes, and it always leads to unhappy situations. That is if the people are anyone but Renjunnie, Jeno, Jae, Lele, Sungie, or my sunshine, Haechannie. I'm more than happy to sacrifice anything for those six boys because they are my ideal life; they're what I've wanted more than life for the last four years. After all, what is the value in life if you don't have the people you love the most?
"I'm sorry, Brian. I just can't deal with this shit anymore," I mutter apologetically, with a slight hint of remorse. I don't have anything against my slightly irritating, goody-two-shoes coworker, but I just don't want to deal with his constant, slightly condescending reminders that I'm practically failing at my job. Yeah, I know that my performance is totally my fault, but I prefer not to be reminded every fifteen minutes that I'm practically a failure to my family now. My parents would flip out if they knew how much I've been slacking on the job. I'm basically one more missed deadline to being fired, but honestly, that'd be fine with me.
"Look, Mark, when you've gotten some sleep and aren't in a god awful mood, you're a cool guy. I know that you weren't always like this, but why the fuck did you take this job if you don't want to work, have no passion for engineering, and are practically as alive as a goddamn zombie every time you step foot in the building? I've tried to sympathize with you, goddammit, but I literally can't think of a single fucking reason why you'd continue with this job if you're this unhappy," Brian retorts frustratedly. I can tell he's trying to keep his cool, and I get why he's all fucked up over this. I've been a complete pushover, and I've practically taken advantage of his desperation to keep his job by making him work for me when I've slacked off.
The young man continues with his impassioned rant, "It's not fair to me, you know, Mark. We're both new to this job and we're together in this, so anything you fuck up, I'm also accountable for. I don't care how much you hate this job, but you aren't going to ruin this for me. Quit if you fucking hate this job so much, you asswipe! You're supposed to be a fucking genius; some stupid-ass fucker will eventually hire your entitled ass, Mark fucking Lee!" Brian's coolness bleeds away, and his rage finally blasts out of his body like an inferno. His cheeks are heated up and his fists clench painfully at his sides.
My once calm, non-aggressive or confrontational demeanor has shifted, and I feel my own body heat up with an irrational rage as I feel ready to confront Brian after he blasted me with his painfully truthful words, standing up to him, fists clenched and ready. And I know that everything he said about me is right and that I'm deserving of all of his insults, but I've changed so much that I can even bear the truth, so much so that the defensive front that I've put up has become me. And I'm so terrified of me.
"Don't you fucking talk to me like that, Brian Kang!" I roar, gripping the collar of his shirt aggressively. Brian's a tough guy, but even his expression turns to shock as soon as he realizes that I'm getting physical. Whatever happened to me using my brain instead of letting my emotions control me?
He's scared, and as soon as I see that glint of fear in my eyes, something finally clicks in me, and my logical, rational side finally enters back into my possessed brain and I let go. I've become a fucking monster. I don't even know if I'm the same man that I thought I was when I look at myself in the mirror, but I have to change now, and not only for myself.
I frantically apologize, on the verge of tears at my angry outburst, "I'm so sorry, Brian. I don't know what took over me, I'm really sorry. You're right, I'm going to quit. You don't deserve this, and frankly, I don't either. You're a great, hardworking guy, and I wish the best for you and your future. We'll most likely never meet again because I'm gonna move back home, so it was a pleasure to work with you, even if I was a terrible coworker." Bundling up my items and stuffing them into my briefcase, I shrug on my jacket frantically, an almost anxious peace settling in my stomach. I'm finally going to go back home, and no matter what, I can't turn back now. My life is for me, and no one else.
Surprised at my sudden shift in emotion and demeanor, as he's seeing the genuine, kind, smart, cooperative, confident me for the first time. He's seeing the Mark Lee that's truly a leader and will no longer blindly follow. Waving goodbye in slow motion, I walk out of the office with my head held high, going to find my boss to officially quit this and move on from this chapter.
My greatest achievement in life is guiding and leading my six best friends to adolescence while being their role model, not having won prestigious awards or graduating from university. And then again, my greatest regret in life was not being able to be there for my friends as they are graduating high school, going to college, and finding out who they are as people. I can't turn back time, but I can sure as hell go back now and try to be there for them until they don't need me anymore.
Pushing the creaky, mahogany door into the dull, bland office of my boss, an eerily happy smile graces my face. Part of me knows that this strange bout of euphoria is overcoming me because I'm realizing that in a matter of weeks, the boring, uninteresting decor and the musty atmosphere of my mini-hell inside this unassuming office will soon be replaced by the rolling skyline of Seoul, a metropolis meets nature, the fresh air filling my nose as I saunter along the bank of the flowing Han. If this is my hell, Seoul is my heaven.
My smile dropping from my face as I meet my boss, an intimidating young woman who only ever means business whenever speaking to someone, a stern expression almost eternally gracing her features. She knows I've been slacking, but at the same time, she can't afford another qualified employee to quit. Weirdly enough, she's one of the only people who realizes that I'm capable of doing all of the work I've been slacking on, which is why I believe she hasn't fired my incompetent self yet, but I've got to take agency of myself and end things right now.
"Hi there, Grace," I shakily greet my boss, giving her a firm handshake, hesitancy written all over my face, "If it's okay, I'd like to talk to you about something." She eyes me up and down, squinting as if she was a scientist examining a cell through a microscope, realizing that something is off. Noticing the coat over my shoulders and my briefcase slung over my shoulder, I can tell she knows what's coming. Now, she's only waiting.
"Hello to you too, Mark Lee. Why don't you sit down?" she says, motioning to the chair across from her desk where countless tech and business billionaires and executives have sat for years. Sitting down, I don't even bother to set my belongings down, so frozen in fear and anticipation for what's to happen.
The moment is too surreal; it almost feels as if I'm watching myself in a movie on a big screen, instead of experiencing the event firsthand, like I am right now. Magically, the stars have finally aligned in the cold, dark sky, and life has set me up in the most perfect position to finally quit this life and chase the one I most desire. There's no time to rethink my decision, and even within this obscuring haze of fear and anxiety, I know I have to keep forging ahead until I see the light again.
"So, what would bring you here? Are you finally ready to turn in your overdue report?" she asks somewhat amusedly, teasing me with a glint of knowing in her eyes.
I know Grace is just waiting for me to drop the news by myself, but she can sense the reluctant in my body language and the way I'm presenting myself. She's only ever seen me anxious on the day of my interview for this job, so being a very intelligent and observant person, she knows something has changed from the laid-back, procrastinator she's known for the past few months.
"Umm...well, you see," I start nervously, tugging at the ends of my sleeves as a nervous habit, apprehensive about saying anything. My mind whirls into a dizzy haze between deciding whether to say what I want or not, my heart becoming caught in the messy, disorienting mix as I fight against and with my multitude of thoughts. Just as I begin to feel lightheaded, she interrupts.
"Look, I know what you want to do, Mark, so I'll just do it for you," she states matter-of-factly, adjusting her slicked-back, blonde bun, "Thank you for putting at least a little effort into working these last few months, and I know this is the right decision for you, Mark. You're an incredibly intelligent young man, but this just isn't the right job for you. You're fired from this job. You're dismissed, and I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Here's to a more lively, productive future for both of us." Grace stands up and shakes my hand firmly, gently pushing me towards the door. And as if it was a jailbreak, I take this chance to escape once and for all.
My lips curl into a huge grin, ecstasy running through my veins as I finally, for the first time in more than four years, feel free. The chains have been stripped off, and as I sprint out of that building feeling almost weightless, with the burdening weight of those iron balls of an unwanted life finally taken away from me. I run down the sunny streets of Vancouver, my original home that I've only recently become familiar with, feeling like a baby bird finally taking flight, zipping through the crowds of pedestrians who look at me in confusion, but I couldn't give less of a damn. I've spent too much time worrying about what others want from me, and I'm finally past that.
As soon as I reach my small apartment, I immediately get on my computer, more-than-ready to make all of the arrangements to finally return back home to where my soul is, still laying within the six people I love the most, in the most magnificent city in the world, Seoul. They've already all reunited, but little do I understand how many heart-wrenching, miserably morose hours, days, and weeks they've spent waiting for me.
Opening a fresh email on my computer, I get typing, the light of the screen reflecting off the deep chocolate of my irises. However, that's not the only beautiful glint in my eyes; I've been set ablaze again with the same passion and ethics I thought I left back in Seoul, and the true personality that I thought had vacated my body like a soul leaving a body, finally begins to seep back in, showing through the glow of my skin and the glint in my eyes.
Fingers ready to type diligently, I start:
Dear Jisung, Chenle, Jaemin, Haechan, Jeno, and Renjun,
I pause a second, deleting the few words I had written. Then, I typed in something shorter and sweeter, but more fitting:
Dear Dream...
And I pour out everything, my sorrows, how much I've missed them, but most importantly, that the pain won't last much longer; I'll be back before they know it.
~
3 weeks later
It's dusk again, just like the moment about four years ago where all seven of us gathered to speak of our best, most treasured memories on the night before the six of them were about to help send me off for the next four years away from their compassionate, warm, and familiar embraces. A beautiful variety of magentas, oranges, and violets paint the sky, blending and swirling together, before transitioning to the deep navy of the night sky. The moon comes out of hiding yet again, and I remember those melancholy nights and excruciatingly early mornings in Vancouver where I felt powerless, so disconnected from my beloved friends, my home.
Whenever I felt that stifling hopelessness shake me to my already unstable core, ready to crumble at the light press of a finger, I looked up at the moon and realized that was the most assuaging, relieving connection I had back to them. Even though the time difference was so stark, I realized that just maybe if I looked out the opened window of the dorm, feeling the night breeze tickling my cheeks, and I looked at the moon, they may also be doing the same across the ocean, back home in Seoul. After all, we no longer shared parallel lives, but we still shared our beguiling moon, and that wouldn't change.
But that desperation for comfort by staring out into the depth of the endless sky, entranced with the moon on violet nights, wouldn't have to last any longer. Our lives will finally be connected by more than a mass gravitating our Earth again because I'm finally home. This is the moment I've been anticipating for the last four years, and I've arrived back in the place of my dreams, where I left my heart four years ago, and my heart's finally found its way back to me.
It's surprising, though. I expected this intense feeling of catharsis to fall over me; I thought the amount of relief that would wash over me and the amount of almost intoxicating euphoria flowing into my veins would cause me to experience some intense, out-of-body experience to come upon me once I arrived mere hours ago. It does feel different than what I had imagined, yet the experience is no less surreal than I thought it would be. Instead, this almost paralyzing calm has come upon me, and though the relief is no less cathartic, the feeling running through me is much more tranquil.
Everything just feels right again; I'm not a spiritual person, but to describe the feeling, it's as if everything has aligned again within and outside of me. My soul, heart, mind, and body function as one again; I left my soul and heart here in the city, and they've finally found their way back to me. I finally feel like the Mark Lee I thought I'd lost forever during those darkest moments away from home, and the cosmos is again in balance, as it was when I'm with those I love the most. Everything just feels right around me.
I sit down on a creaky, maple bench, staring at the playground that changed my life forever, a few cobwebbed street lights lighting up the structure dimly, as I stare almost gratefully at the structure. Who thought the novelty play structure we adore as kids could've caused me to meet the most important things in my life, the people who are my meaning, the only people who've caused me to endure the pain, all because they meant everything to me?
I only arrived back home a few hours ago, and as soon as I exited the bustling airport, only a small suitcase of m most crucial belongings in hand, I jumped in a taxi and told the driver to take me right back to the park. He looked at me weirdly, and with my small suitcase in hand, he probably thought I was about to do some shady deal, as night was nearing, but I could care less. I stopped caring as soon as I sashayed out of that god-awful engineering firm for the last time in my life.
My parents weren't too enthusiastic to hear I was coming back to school; as expected, they were shocked to learn that I'd voluntarily quit my well-paying job at one of the most prestigious firms in the world, but I explained to them my whole story over the phone as I was preparing to move out. They felt guilty, to say the least, as they were for the most part unaware of my aversion to college and a job away from home, but what really tipped them is when I explained just how painfully unbearable it was to be separated from those I loved the most, and how serious the depression I fell into was.
They empathized with me, and I could practically feel the pain I was expressing to them through the static connection of the phone, and that's when I remember how much they genuinely love me, and how much I owed to them. Mom and Dad are my parents, after all, and parents first and foremost love their children unconditionally. I apologized about lying to them about my unhappiness in Vancouver and willingly accepting the path they suggested I take; at the end of the day, if I had only been more adamant that I wanted to stay in Seoul and figure out my life for myself, they would've given in. They would've given in simply because they love me, their son, endlessly. Obviously, taking that option is years past me, and the past can't be changed, so I've finally promised to myself that going forward, things will be different.
Although my parents have finally settled with the fact that my new life going forward will stay here in Seoul, and that I'm still not sure what I want to pursue and master, it doesn't prevent the natural concern they have for me, and I certainly don't blame them. I moved back here on a whim, don't have stable housing, a job, and most importantly know what I'm going to do with my life and what my plan from here is, but that to me is the beauty of where life has taken me.
Absolutely everything is up in the air about my future, but that gives me more of a passion and drive to explore, learn, and reconnect so I can finally feel fulfilled with where I'm at, even if I'm feeling incredibly nervous myself. I've traded some of the most important years of my life for this moment, and now that my natural intellect, passion, and leadership has been instilled back in me, I'm not about to bomb it. This is it for me, but I wouldn't trade where I'm at right now for anything. This is life; my life.
That being said, the calm that filled my body and the atmosphere around me begins to lift and replace itself with an almost giddy anticipating, vibrant, newly hatched butterflies soaring through me. I smile again, my joy adding to the scarce source of light illuminating the dark nightscape.
The main wish of my return back home will be fulfilled soon enough, and my heart lights ablaze at the thought of knowing that I'll be able to see my beloved friends in the flesh again, after years of interaction solely through the screen of a phone. Though I've been able to see them, nothing is quite like truly seeing those you love in the flesh, being able to soak in their endearingly familiar features and immerse yourself in their beauty again. All six of them have grown so much, and I know that as soon as I lay my gaze on them, I'll break down in a fit of tears. I've simply missed so much since I left.
Waiting on the bench for about ten minutes, the time begins to feel more like an hour as the nervous, but excited anticipation builds up to an unimaginable level. My impatience begins to take over, and all I want is just so see them, even if it's only a fleeting glance. I'm just so incredibly desperate; it's as if I was a lover doing anything to even get a glimpse of the one they're enamored with. To be honest, my situation is honestly quite similar to that of an enamored lover, the only exception being that the ones I'm pining after are my best friends, whom I love just as passionately, but only in a platonic way.
Burying my head into my hands, I take a deep breath as I cover my teary eyes with my palms. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion and excitement, but I continue to breathe in and out slowly in order to control my erratic heartbeat. "Goddammit, Mark Lee... calm down," I whisper to myself, wiping away the tears that collect in the corners of my eyes.
Soon, I feel something tap my shoulder, but I figure it's only the soothing night breeze blowing a stray leaf against me, or maybe it's just my imagination. Fidgeting a bit, the tapping persists, and as it continues to touch my shoulder all too delicately, I feel split seconds of warmth as it connects with my skin on-and-off.
I've gone mad, at least I think so, that is until, I hear the softest, most familiar, "Mark, open your eyes," against my ear, delicate, warm breath tickling me, and my eyes shoot wide open. Looking around me, I see all six of their beautiful, mature, smiling faces, and I know I can't be dreaming any longer. They're just too real, and this image is too vivid; I break down into sobs as tears cascade down my face like a waterfall, blurring my vision of them, but I know they're here in Seoul, in the park where we met as kids, and they're back in my life again, now, for good.
Still worried that they'll somehow slip out of my grasp, I jump into their embrace, almost tackling them all to the cushioned, grassy ground as I can hear the beautiful mixture of giggles slip out through their lips, from Chenle's squeal to Haechannie's muted chuckle, even throughout their sobs. I have to remember, the last four years were just as hard for them as they were for me, but everything's gonna be okay now because we're back together again, our hearts reunited in our soul, Seoul.
"I'll never leave you six again... I promise, and not just for your sakes, but for mine as well," I exasperatedly breathe out, sinking their warmth as we all stand up, "Four years is way too long to not have my beloved friends by my side." Jeno helps me up, and we all continue to cry tears of sheer ecstasy; I never thought I'd feel this alive again, but life manages to work itself out in remarkable ways.
Still crying joyfully, Haechan and Renjun wipe away the tears from my eyes like an affectionate, doting mother, and I remember again just how special moments like these feel, close to your friends, as we leave our pain behind and replace it with joy, continuing on in life by each other's sides. I'm finally able to see their faces clearly again, which causes another wave of inconsolable tears to fall over me, so shocked by how much they've all grown and matured, now being able to see them up close. I've missed so much of them growing up since I left, but now, I'm relieved that I'm at least back, and now I don't have to miss any more of their adolescence.
"You all... you've g-grown too m-much," I choke out between sobs, stunned by their presence.
Jaemin comes next to me and envelopes me in an adoring hug, replying sweetly as Jisung rubs my back, "I know... but don't worry, Markie. We're still the same people, and you're still so young. We practically have an eternity left with all of us together. We'll look back as elderly best friends, and marvel about how short those four years were. We have the rest of our lives to make more memories."
Chenle and Jisung are finally together, both of them looking now like grown men instead of the lanky teenagers they were before I left, so enamored as they hold hands next to me. Jeno still looks as handsome as he was before, but his aura no longer radiates the same timidness I knew of him; he's more confident now, and he's finally found himself within these last few years. Renjun has grown taller, even though he's still the shortest in the group, and just like Jeno, this proud, self-assurance radiates off him. Jaemin still looks like a wonder, just as mesmerizing as he was before, but now, the pure joy that I can see in his eyes is unlike anything I've seen in him before.
And my Haechan, the first friend of the group I made... he's absolutely stunning. Hair-dyed ash grey and some of his signature baby fat in his cheeks lost, he looks more mature than ever, but as I make eye-contact with him, I see the pure relief and euphoria in his eyes and expression. As much as I know the boys have missed me these last four years, I can tell simply by looking at them that they've managed to get by and pave their lives themselves.
Haechannie, on the other hand, I can tell is feeling just as relieved, comforted, and happy as me, which shows that these last few years have been so incredibly painful for him too. I give him a small, acknowledging smile, hearts practically popping out of my eyes for him. If it weren't for Haechan, all seven of us wouldn't be where we are today, plain and simple.
As we all begin to calm down and our brains start to form more coherent thoughts and sentences, we spend the whole night reconnecting, talking, and loving the connection we all share with each other. Sitting on the dewy grass, the excitement in our eyes and streetlights our only source of illumination, we sit in a tight circle, Haechan resting his head on my shoulder, Jisung and Chenle holding hands and sneaking cute kisses, Our bond has proven to be unbreakable, the friendship the seven of us share is still the pinnacle of love and trust. Feeling comforted by their words, I know that these six boys are truly my home, just as Jeno said right before I left for university.
Hours and hours pass by like the blink of an eye, none of us giving a care because we're simply so immersed in each other. That is, until dawn begins to break over the skyline and the same warm colors that were painting the sky last night, mere hours after I landed back in the greatest city in the world, reappear. Though we'll definitely be seeing each other regularly again, all the boys have to finally leave for the day; after all, they have other commitments like work and school. We're finally adults now, and naturally, that comes with more responsibility and self-control; it's certainly not like our high school days where we could stay up all night and afford to miss a day of classes.
Embracing everyone, I give them sincere promises that we'll be seeing each other soon, rays of sun peeking between the towering skyscrapers, feeling fulfilled as if I have meaning for living this life again. I feel grounded with my boys by my side again, and though I still don't know what direction I want to go in, I know that I'll feel supported and loved throughout the whole journey.
At one point everyone except Haechan has left for the day, and it almost feels like the journey of our friendship has come full-circle to this point. It started with the two of us at this same park, only six and seven years old, and now we're both here again, as adults, and we have the most beautiful friendship in the world. Sitting down on the bench, we watch the sun continue to rise up, as the darkness transitions to the hope and reassuring brightness of day.
"So, do you have anywhere to stay, Mark?" Haechan asks, threading his arm through mine, keeping his big, charming eyes fixed on the sky.
"Actually, no... this all really did happen on a whim. But it's the second-best decision I've made in my life," I reply breathily, my heart fluttering just a little bit as my gaze flickers over my pretty friend endearingly.
"Ah, and what would be the first then, Mark Lee?" he quips cutely, booping my nose in affection.
"Becoming friends with your endearingly annoying ass," I joke, causing Haechannie to blush red and slap my arm lightly.
"Watch your mouth, Lee," he retorts, pouting, "But I'm flattered, honestly. I can say the same for you though... Becoming friends with your nerdy little-self is the best thing that I did for myself." I chuckle a little bit, changing my position slightly so Haechan can cuddle up to me more, resting his mop of silvery hair on my shoulder.
"Anyway, you are more than welcome to stay with me, Markie. Actually, you're going to stay with me, whether you like it or not, I finally have my own apartment, and it would literally make my day if my best friend would live with me," Haechan adds graciously.
"Hmm... that's an enticing offer, Haechannie. I think I might just have to say yes," I tell him happily, my smile stretching from ear-to-ear. God, Haechan just makes me so damn happy, and living with him now seems like even more of a dream.
"Really? That makes me so happy, Mark!" Haechan shoots up from my shoulder, inches away from my face as he continues excitedly, "I swear, this is the best day of my life! I already told you before the boys left, but I was struggling so much without you by my side, and suddenly you're finally back, and now you're going to live with me! Fuck, I've missed you so much, and I can't even explain how much I love you." Haechan threads his arms around my neck, burying his face into the crook of my shoulder. My heart beats out of my chest, and delicately, I lift his head out of my shoulder and loop my hands around his torso.
"I've missed you so fucking much too, Haechannie. Life finally has a purpose again, and god, it feels so amazing to be back home, in your arms. I have no clue in hell where life is gonna take me, but...," I begin to whisper, pausing my train of thought as I scan over my stunning friend, my eyes widened, the magenta sky setting an intimate backdrop. I love Haechan so much, but god, I've never felt this way before.
"...but just seeing you here convinces me that everything will be fine," Haechan whispers almost soundlessly, staring so mellowly into my eyes like a baby fawn, finishing my sentence effortlessly.
Haechan lightly rests his hands on the sides of my cheeks, a mellow pink light casting over his tan skin, creating a beautiful view for me. Slowly, he leans forward and presses a delicate kiss to the corner of my lip, making me unsure whether he meant to place it on. my cheek or my lips, causing me to freeze in surprise, my heart rate speeding up. That... that was new, but I certainly can't say I disliked it.
Still, I draw Haechan close to me, snaking my arms around my waist, and he rests his head in the crook of my neck again, and so do I, following his suit. Inhaling his sweet, rose-like scent, a calm washes over me as I just hug Haechan tenderly, immersed in him.
My mind finally feels at peace, taking me not only through all of my fond memories here, but at the prospects for my life going forward with Haechan and the boys most importantly, but also my family and my future, feeling settled with myself and at home with my beloved friends. And I know I certainly don't know what will happen a day from here on out, given how I reacted to the kiss mere seconds ago and the insecurity about life going forward, but Haechannie said it perfectly.
With relief in my tone and joy in my heart, I whisper softly, but assuringly to him...
"You're right...everything will be just fine."
The End