"I wish I had done everything on Earth with you." – F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Days 85 + 86
I understand why Ellie needed three months to get to know me before agreeing to follow me around the country. I understand that any reasonable person wouldn't say yes if a random musician asked them to practically run away together. However, understanding and acceptance don't always go hand in hand. In this scenario, acceptance is a lot harder than understanding. Sure, I understand Ellie couldn't just pick up her entire life for a stranger, but to this day I wish she had. My time with Ellie will never be enough in my eyes, and I beat myself up for the moments we didn't spend by one another's side. Eighty-five long days and nights passed between the time I met Ellie and the day she finally joined me on tour.
I spent those eighty-five days riding the most intense emotional roller coaster of my life until that point. My highs – those first few days with Ellie and every moment we spoke – were the highest points I was capable of reaching, but my lows? My lows were dark and cold and lonely. My lows were so low that they'd intimidate the Mariana Trench. In those eight-five days, though, I wrote the first songs about Ellie. I became focused on pianos and acoustic guitars and ukuleles because the sound of strings became a priority after Ellie walked into my life. Strings said things I couldn't. Pianos and guitars had a wider vocabulary than me so writing with strings, when it came to writing about Ellie, seemed to come even more naturally. Needless to say, my sound took a turn from what my fans were generally used to. Not every song became a slow ballad, but most songs were about Ellie regardless.
I don't think I ever wrote as prolifically as I did in those eighty-five days. I may have written as many words as Stephen King took to write It over the course of twelve years. Writing was the one thing that managed to distract me from heartache. Some of my favorite songs came out of those eighty-five days. I still sing some of those songs on every tour.
I wonder how long it took her to realize I was singing about her.
There was a shift in Ellie that first night on tour. She met me at a venue and after the concert, I noticed how uncharacteristically quiet she was once we settled into the bus for the night. I couldn't sleep worrying about if everything was okay. I began to overcompensate. I began to overwhelm her. The worst part about my behavior is that as much as I wanted to stop, I only caused my anxiety to spike even more and my behavior to worsen in response. Eventually, Ellie reached for my wrist in the middle of me pacing up and down the length of the bus like a maniac.
"Jensen," Ellie's voice came out unusually timid. She tugged my wrist lightly, pleading for me to sit beside her. I hesitantly lowered myself next to her, her gentle grip still grounding me. "What's wrong?"
My eyes darted rapidly, and thoughts raced so quickly I could swear something was catching on fire within my body. "Something's wrong, isn't it?" My voice was weak - too weak. I swallowed hard, exhaling slowly and hoped she couldn't hear the pounding of my anxious heart.
Ellie knitted her eyebrows together, "That's what I'm asking you. Is everything okay?"
I began to slowly nod a moment before it shifted into an aggressive shaking my head no. "You-" I sighed, unaware of how to word myself. "I feel like you're not okay," I spoke softly, but honestly. "Did I do something wrong?"
Ellie pulled her hand back, the warmth of her fingers leaving my wrist leaving a sensation and pain only absence can cause. "No," Ellie shook her head, "you didn't do anything wrong. It's just-" Her eyes glanced around the bus, never once daring to land on me. "I think I'm just overwhelmed is all."
"So it is me? I did something wrong then." She could've said anything in that moment, but all I would've heard was she regretted being there with me.
"What? No." Ellie shook her head again and I swallowed hard, worried I had ruined something before it even began. She glanced at me, a small generous smile calming my nerves unintentionally. "It's silly, really. I shouldn't even be feeling this way. I think I'm just having second thoughts. I mean I've never been away from home for as long as tour is going to be and I thought I was excited about the experience, but tonight you were obviously, and rightfully, very busy and I just got so anxious whenever you weren't near but it's selfish of me to need to be by your side all the time and I-" She continued to ramble, but all I could think about was how she was unhappy.
This perfectly wonderful girl sitting beside me, agreeing to go on a cross-country tour with me, was telling me she was changing her mind. My fears were being realized and all I wanted to do was overcompensate more. I wanted to do everything in my power to make her comfortable. I wanted to make her feel safe. I needed to somehow make a cramped bunk on a bus feel like home.
"I just don't think I can do this, Jensen." Ellie's words cut through me with a serrated edge.
"I want you to stay." I pleaded.
"I know."
"It's late," I searched for any excuse to prolong our conversation, "Do you mind if we talk about this tomorrow? There's not much we can do right now anyway." I don't know if my tone came off as bitter or just plain sad, but Ellie agreed regardless of how I sounded.
It's safe to say I didn't sleep that night. I assumed I was forcing too much onto Ellie and holding too tightly onto this girl who no longer wanted to be around me. The next morning was filled with me trying too hard and equally forcing myself not to try at all. I released my grasp on Ellie as much as I could without completely abandoning her that day. I wanted her to know I was still there, but I didn't want her to feel any sort of obligation.
We weren't alone again until that night. I found Ellie lounging, reading a book in her bed when I suggested we finish our conversation. I've never seen Ellie stop reading in the middle of a chapter except once - it just wasn't in her to do so. The only time she put a book down without caring about her stopping point was that night. She looked at me with earnest eyes, waiting for the words I hadn't yet formulated.
We stared for a while unsure of the right words. Unsure of each other. "Jens-"
"You don't have to stay." I cut her off abruptly, sounding too willing to let her go. Her lips parted briefly before she glanced down to avoid my eyes. "You don't have to stay." I repeated slower, calmer. "You're not being held hostage. We can make any arrangements needed to help you get back home."
Ellie slowly, ever so slightly, began to nod. She stood hesitantly. "I uh-" Her eyes searched the room, not wanting to land on me. "I'm going to go call my mom. I haven't spoken to her since this morning. I'm sure she's anxious to hear about...everything."
She walked past me, heading for the back of the bus. "Ellie," I weakly muttered as she passed me.
Her step stuttered, and she brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear as she looked back to me. "Yeah?" She sighed.
"You don't have to stay," I repeated, this time confident in my composure.
"Yeah Jensen," she forced a smile, "you mentioned that." She turned to leave again, but my hand managed to connect with hers. She stopped again, glancing at our delicate fingers.
"But," our eyes connected, "we can also take this one day at a time. You got through today, right?"
Ellie smiled through her disbelief. "Yeah but Jensen, I can't follow you around like a lost puppy for the rest of the tour."
"No one said you couldn't."
"Jensen," her tone twisted into a serious one.
"But you'll get more comfortable. I'm sure of it. Soon, you won't be able to get away from me fast enough once we make a stop." Our hands were still connected, and I turned to face her completely. "You got through today. So, let's try to get through tomorrow. That's it. If we get through tomorrow, we'll try again the next day. And the day after that. Just one day at a time. I think we could do that." My eyes pleaded with her, and I don't know if what came next was what she wanted, or if she felt that sorry for me that it would've changed her mind.
"I'd like that."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." She paused, smiling. This time, a genuine smile. "Yeah, I'd like that. One day at a time." She squeezed my hand and a shiver of excitement ran through me. "I should still call my mom." She smiled at me again before releasing my hand. My fingers lingered, not wanting to part, and I watched as she turned down the aisle again.
I wish she had told me that night. She wasn't completely honest with her fears or what was going through her mind. I wish she would've told me everything. But I was still a stranger to her, and she never wanted to put anyone through the burden of knowing what was going to happen to her. She never wanted to put me through the burden of losing her.
Anne later admitted she remembered the conversation they had that night. Ellie cried to Anne that night. It was quiet enough that I couldn't hear her, and somehow that makes me feel even worse knowing that I had no clue just how much she was hurting. Anne told me her sadness had nothing to do with me, but there's a part of me that will never fully accept that. Ellie uprooted her entire life to follow me and I was too selfish to let her walk away when she needed it.
I know I would've found a way to be with her. A way to stay in her life no matter what it took. I just wish Ellie would have trusted me enough to confide in me. If I had just known...maybe we could have stopped it from hurting as much as it did when I did find out.
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Long time no update! I apologize for how long it's been, but it's good to be writing again. I look forward to continuing Ellie and Jensen's story with you all!
Chapter song: "Make it Without You" by Andrew Belle
Until next time,
Aiden :)