"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forgot about the stupid little things, like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you and the memories I never can escape, 'cause I'm not fine at all."
- 5 Seconds of Summer, Amnesia
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My world started crumbling down all around me.
I was taken by surprise, too stunned to realize that he was actually right in the same room as I was, and too gobsmacked to understand that he just wasn't on his own.
Without really knowing why, I could tell that I would have been able to deal with seeing him.
Even after days of crying and breaking down although I had sworn to myself that I would be strong, I knew that I could have been able to see him.
There still was no explanation for a single thing that had happened to us, but I could live with it.
I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.
But how was I supposed to know that he would show up with another girl at his side?
How could he have moved on that quickly?
Our relationship was cut short, definitely, but even in that short amount of time - that honestly felt like half a lifetime to me - everyone could see the depth of our feelings and the truth behind every declaration of love.
It physically hurt me to not have him by my side, and the memories of every little thing we had ever done only dragged me down further until I felt like it was suffocating me.
There was a difference between living for someone and living with someone.
Living for someone meant that you were living a life that someone else has chosen for you, or that you simply did whatever anyone told you.
But living with someone meant that they were a part of you, like your second half, and that you could not live without that certain someone. You felt like dying without your counterpart.
Harry and I had been living with each other, just as if our hearts were beating in unison. Without him, my heart was hurting.
So to say it nearly killed me to see him with some unknown girl by his side was an understatement.
If it had killed me, I would have felt a sharp pain, but then I would have experienced the sweet feeling of relief when my soul escaped this cruel place.
Right now, I felt like I was on fire. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and I barely noticed when my hand slipped and knocked over the drink Lisa had just ordered for me.
I registered some movement beside me and was pretty sure I heard Lisa calling for something, but I was in trance. All I could do was watching the one who had the power to break me.
My eyes painfully took in the way he wrapped one arm around the girl's torso, pulling her closer to him while she stood on her tiptoes to whisper into his ear.
I watched the way he flipped his head the way he always did when he found something utterly hilarious.
And I wasn't the one who made him smile.
With that realization came another one. Out of nowhere, I had an explanation for his breakup.
He had found another girl, one who was better than me, prettier and overall just a stronger character. There was no more space for a girl like me.
The air gushed out from my lungs and my shoulder slumped. My hands stopped shaking and a deadly silence overcame me, I wasn't able to move at all, even if I wanted to.
Right now, all I wanted to do was to fall asleep and never ever wake up again.
I wasn't ready for the antagonizing feelings that would overcome me like a wave sooner or later.
I was done with crying and I knew better than to weep for a guy who clearly couldn't care less about me anymore.
My mind came up with excuses and told me to stay strong, but my heart was screaming at me to let my feelings show. The inner battle was tearing me apart, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I bit my tongue as hard as possible, already tasting blood, when I saw how the girl pressed a kiss to Harry's check.
He gave her a smile in return.
There was a part of me that wanted to walk over to the happy couple and demand an explanation right now and right here, but something was holding me back.
After all, it was more than obvious, right? He was done with me, he had found another girl. End of the story.
A cold plash of water in my face woke me up from my trance. "What the fuck?" I hissed, letting my negative feelings take over.
"Zoey, what the hell is going on?" Lisa called over the loud music, her eyes wide and ablaze.
My eyes flickered to the counter in front of us and I saw that it was wet, like someone had just spilled a drink on top of it and then left without really cleaning it.
Realization struck me once again. That was my fault.
"I-" I tried to explain, but I couldn't find the right words. Without mentioning for anything, I looked back to where I had seen Harry.
Lisa followed my gaze and what she saw made her slam down her hand with the glass in it, aggressively breaking it in tiny little pieces.
Almost immediately, a bartender rushed over to us and started yelling while wiping the counter at the same time. Lisa and I paid her little to no attention.
"That fucktard is dead, I'll chop his dick of and hack it into a thousand little pieces, then I'll feed him those pieces and have him beg on his knees for forgiveness while brutally murdering him," she spoke in a deadly calmness that sent a shiver down my spine.
"Jail roommates?" I offered, the idea sounding incredibly good in my ears.
"You bet." Her body turned around to fully face the direction we were currently staring at, but Lisa made no actual attempts to move.
"Why is he doing it?" I spoke in a normal voice which was too quiet for a nightclub.
But Lisa heard me. "Who knows what goes on in that pretty little head of his?"
I had no answer for that.
Even though Lisa's words were hateful and threatening, she didn't react. Her eyes were carefully watching me as if anticipating the moment I would break down.
"What's taking so long?" A new voice spoke up behind me, nearly sending me into cardiac arrest. I locked eyes with Leona.
When neither Lisa nor I answered, she shrugged her shoulders and ordered a Martini.
Getting drunk, really drunk, sounded absolutely brilliant right now.
"Don't even think about it," Lisa warned when I raised my hand to get the bartender's attention. I hesitantly dropped it, listening to her.
"Liss, I need to do something," I pleaded, my eyes stinging from the tears that I was fighting to hold back. I refused to start crying at all costs.
Against any better judgment, I got back up on my feet again, nearly running into Leona. There was no time to apologize, I just had to get out of here.
Someone caught my hand and I didn't have to turn around to see that it was Lisa. She mouthed "stay," but my bitter face told her I would do anything but lurk around to observe my ex-boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend. The word was dolorous, and the description was one I thought I would never have to use for the one and only who meant the world to me.
"Team up with Jane," Leona suggested and linked our arms. I was forcefully tugged away from the bar, my wrist slipping from Lisa's grip.
She helplessly watched for a moment but then dismissed her broken drink and the bartender trying to flirt with her again to follow us back to the rest of the girls.
"Wow, took you ages," Phoebe screamed over the music, her cheeks red and her hair already sticking to her sweaty temples.
With one look at my face, she dropped her smile and shot a questioning look at Lisa who simply pulled a grimace. That was all it took for my sister to understand.
The other girls quickly caught on as well, but seemed to be clueless of what to do next. Only Jane had an idea.
"You can either approach him and punch the living shit out of that dick, or you party like it's the last night of your life." Her daring frown told me what her favorite solution was.
"Let's party," I grinned, feeling anything but happy.
The girls seemed to buy my fake smile, only Phoebe frowned. Lisa raised an eyebrow and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "We can go if you want to."
I shook my head and threw up my hands, trying to let the music take over again. The amount of alcohol I had already drunk had little to no effect on me anymore, the sight of Harry waking me up like cold water in the morning.
The little water Lisa had plashed into my face had woken me up, too, and I hesitantly touched my already dried skin to see if my makeup had been ruined. I guessed I was fine because the girls hadn't told me that I looked like a panda. Lisa was in for a revenge, though.
It didn't take too long for me to forget about my decision and let my eyes wander across the dancefloor and over to the tables again. Quickly adjusting to all the people around us, I zoned out to draw my full attention to Harry.
He tapped his left foot along to the beat and unconsciously licked his lip while intently staring at the girl whose back was turned to me. Making sure to listen to her every word, he didn't notice anything around him.
I sighed, remembering all those times he had done the exact same thing to me. Harry had a way of making you feel like you were the only person that mattered when you talked.
Whatever the girl said made him smirk, a sight that contradicted his friendly smile. His hand ruffled through his hair, making it stick up in different directions.
I shot daggers at the girl's back when she reached up to put it back into position. Harry steadied her with his hands on her waist and I could read the "thank you" from his lips.
"Earth to Zoey, ignore him," Jane snapped behind me.
"How can I ignore him?" I whispered, knowing exactly she wouldn't be able to hear it.
"I won't watch you sulk. We can go to the club across the street?" Meredith offered with a little smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"Look, I'm sorry for ruining the mood. I'll go back to the bar and order a drink, see you guys later."
Just when I turned around to walk away, I sensed Lisa's presence beside me. "I'm not going to leave you on your own. Who knows what could happen?"
"Bad things always happen at a nightclub," I remarked, remembering all those visits in the last few months, starting with the first one where I had met Louis and ending up at our last one where a stranger had kissed my boyfriend.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Lisa asked.
The loud music made it hard to have an actual conversation but after years of friendship and understanding, I could have easily read her mind.
"No, didn't quite work out the last time either, right?" I laughed without humor.
"That was right after the breakup, he was a mess," she defended the failed attempt.
"He didn't even speak to Niall," I pointed out, sitting down at the bar.
The eager bartender from earlier walked over to us and threw an exaggerated smile in Lisa's direction. "Martini?" He asked, trying to show off that he could remember what she wanted.
I tried not to gag.
As he walked away, Lisa spoke up again. "Jake offered to help you get over Harry." She made a face and rolled her eyes.
Even though I wanted to see the irony in her statement, I couldn't help but feel sadness crash over me. "I don't want to get over him."
"Right, you need to get back together," she nodded excessively and reassuringly squeezed my hand.
"I need that bitch to be gone," I spat out, quickly judging the stranger at his side.
"Kill her," Lisa suggested with a sneaky grin.
"No, be serious." I sighed and abstractedly played with a beer coaster that was lying on the counter.
"They aren't even together," she offered this time, questioningly raising her eyebrows. "You're just assuming things."
"They're all touchy-touchy." I glared at Harry and the girl who were still talking. Well, better than dancing.
"No, they're not. That's just you imagining things."
We both looked at them again only to see the girl throw her head back while laughing, then standing up on her tiptoes to kiss his check.
I was relieved when the bartender brought us our drinks and nearly downed half of it in one go. Taking some time to inspect my hand, I finally realized that I hadn't hurt myself when I broke the glass some time ago. Or did I just tip it over? I couldn't even remember, the sight of Harry having clouded my memory.
"She's going," Lisa suddenly called, catching my attention.
"Going where?" I stupidly asked, already spinning around on the stool.
Harry was now sitting down at the table they clearly had occupied, but the girl was gone.
Lisa tipped my shoulder and pointed to our left. My eyes quickly found the girl again, and I watched how she was aiming for the hallway to the restrooms.
"That's it," I stated and stood up.
"You're following her?" Lisa guessed with wide eyes. "Gosh, Zoey, don't actually kill her!"
"I'll just see what she's like," I explained and moved away.
I had no idea what I was actually doing. What good would all of this be? If this girl turned out to be actually nice, I would be completely crashed because then it was confirmed that he had left me for someone better.
But if she was a total bitch, I would doubt my whole existence. Harry hated those kinds of girls, I knew that for sure.
Right now I honestly felt like I didn't know him at all anymore.
While I was following the girl, I hoped that Harry didn't watch her moves. If he kept an eye on her, he would surely see me too. That could end in a disaster.
I didn't dare to turn around for the little possibility that he actually was watching but didn't recognize me from the distance. It seemed unlikely, but not impossible.
The door to the ladies' restroom was already falling shut and I picked up my speed to catch it. So far my plan was to 'check my makeup' in the mirror and wait for her to finish her business. Maybe I'd be able to start a conversation.
I rushed into the restroom and nearly jumped a feet in the air when I ran into a woman standing behind the door.
"Watch it," she hissed, and an odd sense of déjà-vu struck me. The same had happened before, weeks ago, at Applebee's.
Looking into the woman's eyes, I knew it was the exact same person.
Amelie.
Before I could stop it, an unbelievable "you?" escaped my lips and I stared at her in disbelief.
Was this a fucking joke?
"Zoey?" She asked, clearly surprised as well. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you."
I took in her outfit and the way she had done her hair and finally found the reason why I hadn't recognized her earlier. Her usually wavy hair was straight, so it was obvious that she had straightened it this time. Or maybe she simply hadn't curled it, who knew?
I was at a loss for word and helplessly stared at her.
"So, how are you doing?" She smiled, but then probably realized how stupid that question was. "I mean, like, no, ehm... Sorry."
"Sorry? For what? Taking my boyfriend away?" I sneered and glared at her with my hands on my hips.
"What?" She asked, her eyes widening. "What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." My voice had dropped a few octaves and all I wanted to do right now was shot her in the knee and leave her on the cold, hard ground to die.
"I don't. If you honestly think I'm the reason things are over, then you're completely mental," she dared to say.
"I know how it happened. You saw him at this exact same place a few weeks ago, immediately fell in love and crept your way into our lives to ruin our relationship, then you dropped your fiancé - if you even ever had one - to win him over."
"Zoey, are you even listening to what you're saying?" Amelie asked, sounding as if she were out of breath.
A woman emerged from a stable and quickly rushed out of the restroom without even washing her hands, simply trying to get away from the scene of crime.
"Don't make it sound like I'm the crazy one." I took a threatening step forward but Amelie didn't seem to be intimidated.
"It's not my fault that the two of you couldn't work things out. You didn't have to end it if you were still feeling something for him, but don't blame it on me." She threw up her hands for a second and then clapped the sides of her thighs.
"I didn't end anything," I told her, my eyes narrowing to little grooves.
She looked confused, but I wasn't buying her act. "Harry said it was a mutual decision."
"It was as mutual as the decision to start the Second World War," I sneered again.
"Hey, that's what he told me!" She took a step back and her lower lip quivered, making me stop a rant that was about to come.
"Wait, are you serious?" I asked.
"Yes! I ran into him a few days ago and he looked utterly broken. After I asked him what was wrong, he said that the two of you didn't work out so you mutually agreed to end things." There was a sad look on her face and I hesitated a little before I asked my next question.
"And how did the two of you end up here?"
"Well, Harry was so crushed, I kind of doubted that it was a mutual decision. If it had been one, it would mean that all the feelings were gone, but he didn't seem that way at first. After I thought he had sulked enough, I dragged him out of his apartment and started doing things. Today is club time," she explained.
At first. So his feelings were gone now. I had no idea if any of that even made any sense but I couldn't find the fault in her words.
"Okay," I whispered, feeling absolutely miserable all over again.
"I'm so sorry things are over," Amelie sympathetically told me and patted me on the back, then brushed past me to exit, leaving me empty and lonely.
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