"Aidan," I whispered as shock muted my voice, I looked directly into his eyes and saw an abundance of raw feelings. I saw speckles of emotions that I'd never seen before and his face adorned a pained expression.
We sat for a minute or two in silence, never breaking our gaze as each of us tried to delve behind the facade of emotions that laid behind our eyes. Something unvoiced bounced between us, something at that moment changed the connection we had for each other.
The unknowing covered us in a blanket, my jaw was slightly agape and my brain was still trying to figure out what was unspokenly transpiring between Aidan and myself right at this very moment.
"Before we continue this conversation, I don't want your sympathy or pity, I don't want you to look at me differently," Aidan affirmed.
I released my hand from his and sat back on the bench before I crossed my arms over my chest. I was taken aback by the abruptness in his voice and the coldness that swamped my fingers from the removal of his touch. I had no idea what the etiquette for this kind of situation was.
Was I supposed to ask questions?
Was I supposed to pretend everything was normal?
Was this supposed to change things between us?
God, everything makes sense now. The way Aidan had been acting, the things he said... this was the trauma that happened to him over two years ago. This was why he had to separate his personal life from work boundaries at the bar. This was why he'd not been able to get close to anyone, why getting to know me was such a big risk for him.
And the baby... the outburst he had about it, it was derived from his loss. Aidan's baby died and he had to stand by and listen to me saying that I didn't want mine. That must have hurt him, and although he was still wrong for what he said to me, I could understand his point of view better now.
I had gatecrashed into his life with my problems with no regard for how disruptive I was being, and not knowing how triggering my situation would be for him. Now at this moment, I'd forced his hand by starting a conversation about not wanting children, this was all my fault.
I knew I didn't deserve Aidan, but this confirmed that. Aidan deserved so much better than me, someone that could give him what he wanted.
"Rowan?" I heard Aidan's voice call my name but it sounded distant and muffled.
What was going on? My heart was beating out of my chest, my surroundings seemed blurred and my head was spinning.
"Rowan?" I heard Aidan's voice again, "Rowan, can you hear me?" His voice slowly came into focus and so was the realisation of my rapid breathing. My chest was tight and I found myself panting to catch my breath.
"Rowan, just focus on my voice," Aidan worried whilst he rubbed gentle circles on my back with his right hand, "breath... in and out."
"What's going on?" I muttered, panic-stricken I perched myself on the edge of the bench with my head bowed down parallel to my knees.
"You're having a panic attack. Here, take some deep breaths in with me," Aidan exclaimed. He began to suck in air into his lungs, holding it and slowly exhaling as I attempted to breathe along with him.
He spoke to me in a calming tone, Aidan's soothing voice made sure I was focused on my breathing and nothing else, and his gentle touches gave me reassurance.
After a couple of minutes, I found my breathing had calmed down and I could focus adequately once again. Aidan removed his hand from my back and was now perched on the bench edge so that he could get a look at my face.
"Has that ever happened to you before? Do you have anxiety, Ro?" Concern laced Aidan's voice.
"Yes and yes, although it's not happened for a long time," I replied now shuffling my body so it was turned slightly into Aidan's direction as he once again took my smaller hands into his larger ones.
"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I snapped at you," Aidan apologised, with his eyes towards the floor in avoidance.
"It's not your fault," I tried to offer some comfort, but the fact he thought my panic attack was his fault made me feel even worse.
"Aidan, I wasn't looking at you with pity or sorrow. You have never done that with me and I could never treat you that way... I was just shocked at what you told me."
"But I saw something in your eyes, I saw wisps of something I've never seen before."
"I..." I stuttered, trying to comprehend that my own emotions had exactly mirrored Aidan and he had seen the same thing in me that I had in him, but what was it?
"I promise you, Aidan, it wasn't pity. I'm sad that you had to go through something so horrific... my heart breaks for you..." I stopped dead mid-sentence, realising the true meaning behind my words.
That was it, the moment of clarification, my heart was literally breaking for Aidan because I was utterly, truly, one hundred per cent in love with Aidan Miller.
That must have been the change between us, that must have been what he saw reflecting in my eyes.
"Rowan, are you having another panic attack?" I looked up at Aidan's words, a frantic expression on his face.
"What? No! Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts," Aidan pulled me into his firm chest and slung his arms around me.
"What's on your mind?" I could just about hear Aidan's muffled words as my head was pressed so closely into his T-shirt.
"Nothing," I softly whispered.
I turned my head around so I could look out onto the view of the park. We sat secludedly underneath a massive oak tree, one single bench that was frozen in time, overlooking everyone else as they briskly went about their daily business.
A perfect view with the light spring wind blowing in the scent of freshly blossomed flowers. The most romantic spot of the park and here we are bearing our rawest of emotions to each other, maybe not quite verbally but one look into each other's eyes and it was like we could see inside the soul.
"Talk to me, Ro. Tell me what triggered this panic attack," Aidan gently rubbed his hand down my back. I knew he wasn't going to let this go, Aidan could see right through me, especially when I tried to hide my feelings.
I sat up with one single tear flowing down my cheek, Aidan patiently leant back against the ageing, rickety old wooden bench.
"I don't deserve you, I'm not good enough for you, Aidan. You're only going to be worse off with me around," I blurted out.
"No! Stop right there. This is not you talking, Rowan," Aidan let out a puff of air and sat forward where he entwined his own fingers together and placed them on his lap.
"When you've been told something enough times you start to believe it. I don't know what happened with your parents but I know they didn't treat you the way loving parents are supposed to."
"Please don't..." I whimpered.
"You need to hear this Rowan, let me finish please," Aidan abruptly interrupted, "they used you as their emotional punching bag, they made you feel bad about yourself when really they were projecting onto you and that made you think that's how all relationships should be."
I closed my eyes tightly at Aidan's words, he was definitely getting to the truth of it no matter how much this was hurting me. I placed my head into the palm of my hands as he continued, "you settled for your ex because your parents had set the bar for you thinking you should be treated that way. It's not you Rowan. Your parents... your ex... they were never worthy of you."
"No! I'm the one that's not worthy of someone like you Aidan, you are too good for me," as those words left my mouth I had never felt more pathetic than I did now. I'd always been strong and made the most of the hands I'd been dealt but right now I felt weak and that Aidan deserved better than to be dragged into my drama.
"Rowan!" Aidan shouted. He jumped to his feet and startled me in the process, "they were the ones with the issues, not you. I'm going to show you the way you should be treated and you are not going to settle for anything less."
Aidan dropped to his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his with our faces only inches from each other. "Is this what made you have a panic attack?" He asked.
I slowly nodded back, I kept my eyes shut but tears were still escaping and staining my cheeks. "You had an anxiety attack because you think I deserve someone better than you? What are you thinking, Rowan? That's nonsense!" Aidan placed his forehead against mine whilst still clutching my hands in his.
"You've been through so much Aidan, I'm only just realising how much and here I am opening up old wounds for you."
"I needed those old wounds to open so I could heal properly. I've told you this already when we first met you made me realise that I needed to face what happened. I was stuck not being able to move on and you are helping me to heal, Ro."
My quiet sobs continued as I opened my eyes to see Aidan directly looking at me. I saw the pain on his face but I knew he meant every single word he was saying.
"I told you healing is painful, whilst it might hurt to explain my past to you, I know in the long run I'm going to feel better for it."
"But I've brought my problems to your door not realising how much this would affect you."
"How could you know? To be honest, I don't blame you at all. Our past situations are much more similar than you are giving credit for."
"That's not true!" I pulled my hands away and got to my feet. I tried to place some distance between us before I paced up and down at the back of the bench.
Aidan had now got to his feet and was watching me cautiously, "I lost the person I loved and a baby I wanted. You lost a person you didn't love and a baby you didn't want," I stopped pacing at Aidan's words and looked up at him. "The situation still hurt you and your feelings aren't any less valid than mine. Pain heals, Ro. Right now you're experiencing the pain."
"We are bringing out the worst in each other," I sobbed, my hands now leant against the back of the bench.
"I'd say it was quite the opposite. I'd say we are bringing out the best in each other. To face the past means we want to move on from it, it means we see a future. A time where we can both be happy again because if you've helped me learn anything then it's that life is for living."
"Aidan..." I heard the softly spoken voice of Eliza making me snap my head up to see she was walking up behind Aidan.
"Mum?"
"Son, why don't you go join the others?" Eliza stopped next to Aidan and gently grabbed his shoulder.
"We were in the middle of something private."
"I'd like to speak with Rowan," she gave a nod of reassurance.
"Fine," an exhausted and defeated sigh came from Aidan's mouth as he gently rubbed his strained temple.
Eliza watched Aidan walk away and waited until he was out of hearing distance before she came around to me and pulled me into a hug.
"How much of that did you hear?" I asked, trying to wriggle myself out of her grasp.
"Enough. Aidan means well, of course, he does, he loves you."
"Aidan isn't in love with me," I choked on the tears that were threatening to pour out of my eyes again and I gave up trying to remove myself from Eliza's embrace.
"You will both see it when you're ready to," my cries got louder at her words. Eliza gently rocked me in her arms, I grabbed onto her back and didn't let go. "Love releases a lot of raw emotion, Aidan is right about one thing, you're both healing from pain and meeting each other triggered that."
"No...I..." I couldn't get my words through the lump that had formed in my throat, my cries were still in the midst of momentum and I couldn't tame them back. It felt good to finally have a gut-wrenching cry in the arms of someone I felt safe with.
"Is this what it feels like?" I asked not quite believing I wanted to know the answer.
"Does what feel like this, dear?"
"Is this what a mother's love is supposed to feel like? Because I've never had it before."
"Yes, it is. Regardless of what your children do or how much they hurt you, you're supposed to love, encourage and support them no matter what. You're supposed to make them believe they are capable of anything they put their mind to. You build your children up, not tear them down. Your parents were never deserving of you. You deserve a family who will love you and that's exactly what you have now."
"What do you mean?" I whimpered, my tears had now finally slowed down.
"If you ever need me you can come to talk to me. Any of us, our family is now your family and we will love you. We will help build you back up Rowan, we will help you see what a beautiful, smart woman you are."
Eliza's words rang around my head in disbelief, I almost couldn't believe this woman who I'd only met a couple of times was accepting me like I was one of her own children. It seemed I was no exception either, Riley and Tommy had also been initiated into the Miller fold. This woman was so kind and generous, she was a strong woman, an amazing mother and she even picked up the slack from other people who weren't even capable of being parents.
"Come, let's sit down," Eliza said escorting me around the bench once she realised I was seemingly a lot calmer.
As soon as we sat down she pulled me back to her side where she sighed, "there's a counselling service next door to my clinic. I think it would really help if you talked to a professional, it seems you've been through a lot, Rowan."
"I'm not sure that's my thing," I cautioned.
"Aidan said the same thing at first but he still gave it a try."
"He did?" I gasped and Eliza nodded back. "I'll think about it," I released myself from Eliza's arms as I sat back on the bench uncomfortably rubbing up and down my own arm.
"Is there something on your mind?" Eliza smiled.
"Yeah, actually there is..." I hesitated.
"You can talk to me."
"It's just if I'm going to move on from the past there's something I need to do first."
"Baby steps, Rowan."
"What do you mean?" I glared into Eliza's deep brown eyes which reminded me so much of Aidan.
"I mean don't overwhelm yourself, take one thing at a time. The fact alone that you're thinking about the future is amazing but sometimes it helps to focus on one task at a time."
"Then once I've stopped bleeding the first thing I want to do is get an STI check. Can you do that for me?" My gaze now wavered from Eliza's in slight embarrassment.
"Of course, just drop into my clinic any time you're ready and I will fit you in."
"Thank you," I stretched out my arm and gently touched Eliza's hand with mine for which she was quick to place her other hand on top.
"Thank you for not asking questions or making me explain."
"I will never judge you, just know that if you need to talk I'm always a phone call away," she smiled.
Eliza sat back on the bench beside me, both of us faced forward and watched the world go by. Our hands still touched as they rested on Eliza's knee. I didn't know how she managed to calm me down so much, I went from uncontrollable crying to her getting me to talk to her, and now I was sitting here with contentment, not needing to say another word.
"May I offer up some advice?" Eliza cooed, breaking the silence from around us.
"I guess it can't hurt," I breathed, knowing I was probably not prepared for what she had to say.
"But first I have to ask you something," Eliza pulled her hand away from mine and I turned to face her nodding in approval. "Have you always known you don't want children?"
"Actually, I always thought I wanted them but something changed recently," my answer was about as honest as I could get.
"Then my advice to you is don't let a temporary situation let you make more permanent decisions. How you feel about the situation now is only a part of the journey and not the final destination."
"I'm not sure I know what you mean," I gulped and waited for Eliza to expand on what she had said.
"You have to live for today, you can't think too much about the future," Eliza let out a breath, clearly having the death of Aidan's ex on her mind, "do what's best for today's version of you and leave the older version of you to decide the future choices."
"What you're basically saying is whilst I might have decided not to have a child at this point in my life, I shouldn't decide that for my future self," I sighed. Eliza nodded and gave me a sad smile.
"What makes you so certain that I might change my mind about this?" I slapped my hands down onto my knees.
"You might not but that's the point, that decision is for another point in your life. Aidan might be certain that he wants children but your relationship hasn't developed to that point yet."
"But one day we might get there and I don't want to disappoint him, so I might as well save him that future pain," I muttered, my gaze to the floor as I kicked at a loose stone that was by my foot.
"You think you have a future with him, shouldn't that tell you everything you need to know."
Eliza was right, that was what hurt the most. This was what I was fighting most against - myself. Because I actually think I could have a future with Aidan, I actually want a future with Aidan and this lack of control scared me shitless. I was trying to grasp back some power of the situation, I refused to believe that fate had more of a say in the direction of my life than I did.
"The path isn't going to be easy, but the best things in life are worth fighting for."
"What if I don't want to fight?" Eliza's instant laugh almost made me jump out of my skin.
"You, my dear, are a fighter. I don't doubt that one day hasn't passed by where you haven't fought for something, it's like second nature to you now."
How can one person see right through me? I was literally talking to an older, female version of Aidan.
"Fight for yourself, fight for Aidan. Fight for the endless possibilities that your future could hold. It's not going to be easy, there are going to be times that Aidan will have doubts, and times that Aidan's past will make him trip up but don't give up on him. Just like the bump in the road that you're having now, Aidan is not giving up on you. Aidan is fighting for you because he's finally found something worth fighting for again."
After mum came to talk to Rowan I walked back to the rest of the family not quite sure what happened. I sat quietly trying to reflect on what transpired, lucky for me the rest of the family were busy doing their own thing and seemed oblivious that anything was wrong.
After half an hour my mum and Rowan returned, I saw Rowan immediately take another glass of wine and drink it in two gulps before Riley was quick to refill her glass giving a sad smile.
After a couple more hours the rest of the family went home and we returned back to the apartment. Rowan hadn't said one word to me in the car, being thankful that Avery was there to fill in the silence.
Once we got back Rowan went straight to our room and I went to the kitchen where I took out a beer bottle from the fridge, downing half of it in one go before I slouched against the counter and picked at the label.
"Spill! What happened back there?" Avery came around the corner to place the dirty Tupperware into the sink.
"I think we had our first fight," I replied solemnly as I looked up to receive one of Avery's sarcastic eye-rolls.
"No, shit. I think everyone knew that."
"Wait... they did?"
"Of course, they were being too polite to say anything though in case we made the situation worse."
"I guess that explains why they were pretending everything was normal," I muttered.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?"
"I told her about Katrina and the baby dying," I placed my beer down and rubbed my face with both hands.
"You did? Holy shit! That's huge," Avery dropped the last of the dishes into the sink before she ran over to me and threw her arms around me.
"Something changed between us and I don't know what it was..."
"And?" Avery snuggled into my chest.
"And I realised I'm completely in love with Rowan Raine."