The Life and Times of an Average Coward
Chapter 04: The Song of the Despaired
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It's done.
I stared at the hole I've dug before me, not quite deep as I wanted it to go but it will do.
It'll do for now at least.
My dull swollen eyes spared a glance at the not-so-bloodied corpse beside me, and my eyes started to burn something fierce, but I refused to let a single tear fall.
Daiki looks peaceful, I've cleaned his face as much as I can with my shaking hands then proceeded to drag him all the way here outside, not to faraway from the porch- there's so much strength a little three year old kid could have. It was beside the bed of blooming white spider lilies and lily of the valleys that Kaa-san (Mama too loves those little white bell-like flowers, I just remembered the flower's name) loves so much.
It took me hours to drag/push/pull him all the way here and another few hours to dig a decent sized hole.
I need to bury them.
I glanced at the ashen colored arm that was beside the burly man. It was what was left of Kaa-san when she was eaten whole by that thing. The only reason for it not being in the gullet of that monster was because it was left beside the doorstep, detached from the body. Probably from the first monster who attacked her.
I closed my eyes to inhale deeply, iron and something rotting was in the air. I could hear the mocking peacefullness of the forest around me, like nothing horrendous just happened last night.
(Like it was just a bad dream.)
"I love you my Songbird."
"What are ya lookin' at brat?! Afraid of a little height?"
I opened my eyes and calmly went to the other side of Daiki. With much effort, I pushed him towards the dug out hole, he rolled for a moment until he settled at the middle to where it was deeper. Carefully, I bent down to pick up the cold limb that was beside my feet, staring at it for a moment with morbid detachment.
This hand used to be warm.
"I love you Senritsu, always remember that."
Staggering and almost loosing my balance, I stood up and faced the hole, eyeing it.
I let the cold limb fall from my hands, joining Daiki in the makeshift grave.
I'm sorry, this will have to do for now.
I knelt down on the dirt, my clothes were already dirty so I didn't bother to be careful. The dirt was cool, slighly damp from the leftover morning dew, it wasn't hot even if it was noon. The cloud cover, the whispers of the wind and the sound of hurried little animals signifies that it's going to rain later. I could feel the exhaustion, the lack of sleep driving me down but I can't rest just yet. I need to finish it up. I need to bury them, it was what they deserve.
I'm sorry.
Slowly, weakly, I carded my hands on the loose soil, pushing and directing them to go into the grave. Everything's getting blurry, tears pricking the corner of my eyes.
"Let me sing a lullaby
As you close your eyes~"
My voice was hoarse, raspy and squeaky. It was painful to sing with my still sore throat, but that didn't matter. Kaa-san and Daiki-ojichan deserves a nice farewell song. It was Kaa-san's lullaby that came into my head the first thing so I ended up with that.
"And as you're drifting off to sleep
How I hope that the dreams that you find
Are bright"
I'm supposed to be lucky that I was left unscathed by the whole ordeal, I should be thankful to God for letting me live.
For extending the chance that he gave me.
But why do I feel like this?
"Love, can we meet again soon in the bluest of skies?
Where a tomorrow waits for you and I"
Why do I feel like I want to not feel grateful to him?
Why do I feel like cursing him, blaming him for everything, for letting me care for them and just taking them away just as fast?
(Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?! WHY?!)
I don't want to be alone.
"Don't worry Sen, Kaa-san will always be with you and will always protect you."
"Really?"
"Yes really."
I don't like being left behind.
"Come on brat, don't go lagging from behind. You don't want me to just leave you right?"
"W-wait slow down, old man!"
I'm a coward so what am I going to do?
"Woo there, stop being overly dramatic brat."
"I'm not a brat, but what if I get killed?!"
"Silly kid, you're not going to get you killed if I'll be there to protect you."
Sniff. "I love you Daiki-ojichan!"
A chuckle. "Well of course, the women all love me."
I'm useless. Really useless.
"Kaa-san? Why am I such an ugly useless girl?"
A tight embrace."No! No you're not who said that to you?!"
"The other kids did."
"Don't listen to them Songbird, they're just jealous because your so cute and smart and kind."
"But-"
"No buts and listen to Kaa-san because she knows what she's talking about."
...
...
...
"Okay."
I don't like this.
"Don't listen to those punks brat. You're annoyingly cute maybe that's why they're teasin' ya."
"Question, how can someone be annoyingly cute?"
"Stop that, I don't tolerate smartassery pretty well."
...
...
...
...
...
"Don't say that word and don't you ever tell your mother that I said that."
I hate this.
"Kaa-san what's 'smartassery'?"
...
...
...
"Who told you that word?"
"Daiki-ojichan did."
...
...
...
"I see."
"Songbird don't you ever say that word okay?"
"Okay."
I really, really hate this.
*-*-*-*-*
"So hold me tight one more time, but don't kiss me goodbye
'Cause I know that I'll see you on the other side~"
*-*-*-*-*
Seeing his younger friend in such a state was the last thing he wanted. Covered in grime and dried blood from head to toe, Senritsu did not make a pretty picture. There were tear tracks running along her cheeks, swollen puffy red eyes that were a great match to his own.
She was staggering, tithering to the side if not for the support of the doorway she was leaning to. Giyuu could spot red specks in the doorframe but he didn't let his mind dwell on it lest he wanted to vomit with an empty stomache.
"...Yuu." Her voice was quiet and raw, like she screamed her throat out until it bled. She blinked, her round eyes dull as if she wasn't completely sure what she's seeing is real.
It wasn't supposed to look like that. Giyuu is used to seeing it sparkle with warmth and life and kindness. Even when she was scared, those golden eyes always seemed to sparkle and shine. But now they don't, and he bets that his eyes looked the same.
Giyuu already knows the reason why her eyes were like that, the blood, the dirt and the obvious sloppily made grave with a wreath of white flowers tells him enough.
He's not stupid after all.
One tiny hand reached towards him shakily and Giyuu reached for it without hesitation. It was warm and dirty.
"Yuu..." She said once again, understanding dawning in her face as she finished examining if he was real.
Small arms, delicate arms encircled his waist in a hug. Her tiny dirty fingers dug onto the fabric of his damp blue kosode (a little shower rain) that was brown on some parts. She was warm and tiny and delicate.
Just like how she had always been.
(The sparkle may be gone but at least she was still warm. Warm, not like his sister who was cold.)
Slowly, Giyuu brought his arms to her shoulders, letting go of the little bag containing clothes and some rice balls, he stooped low to rest his head to the crook of her neck, where he could feel her steady pulse against the thin layer of skin. It was an awkward position given their height difference but Giyuu could make do.
Senritsu's dark hair was messy with dirt and some other stuff tangled with the uneven tresses. Her hat wasn't on, it's something that she never takes off unless it's going to get dirty. He could smell the thick scent of iron clinging to her and beneath that is the underlying scent of peaches and red bean paste that the child always seemed to carry. Giyuu gripped her tighter and he knows that it might've been painful, but the girl never complained, unlike before that even a slight jostle here and there would make her cry out in pain.
"Yuu." She said, voice muffled and whispered. If he wasn't clinging to her like a lifeline he wouldn't have heard it.
Suddenly, it all came crushing down on him how small Senritsu is, how young Senritsu is. He bit his already well-bitten lip to keep himself from screaming and shouting and cursing whatever God or deity that was ruling out there for putting them in this situation. For putting children like them in this situation.
(The world is really a cruel ugly place.)
"...Osen-chan." He found himself saying.
It's so unfair.
"O-Osen-chan..." He stuttered out again, eyes closed tightly, tears pricking at there corners.
He inhaled a whole lot of air and he just noticed that he was trembling now, that they were both kneeling and the one holding his weight was Senritsu. "Osen-chan." Tears flowed out of dark ocean blue eyes, as he felt tiny warm hands smoothing down his wild hair. An action reminiscent of much larger ones.
It was quiet, just the two of them in the cabin with the sun setting, casting everything a glow in a mix of orange hues. Looks like the rain had cleared up.
Senritsu started humming, the tune familiar to his ears, something she used to sing under her breath everytime that she's a little nervous.
Giyuu didn't know when they both decided to go inside the house, barricading every entrance and exit or how they both ended up asleep inside a cramp cabinet where the futons were kept. Clutching each other, dirty clothes and all.
In the back of Giyuu's mind, he could hear his sister berating him for not cleaning up before going to bed, then her squeals of elation at how he was being 'adorable' with Senritsu.
Nightmares of what happened plagued them through the night, but the reassuring heat and presence of each other kept it bearable.
Come morning, they both reluctantly came out of their nest, clean the house as much as they can and then cleaning themselves quickly on the near fresh stream of water. They bathe together, unable to keep each other away from their sight, and since they were just children, it was okay.
Giyuu decided to forego his blue kosode and instead wore the red yukata of his sister. With Senritsu's passable needle skills, they managed to adjust it to his size.
And much to Giyuu's begrudging agreement, Senritsu's pale cream girl's yukata was changed to a dull green boy's yukata and a brown hakama ensemble. It was a disguise that'll have to do while they travel.
(They just don't want to stay in a place filled with memories of a life that they could never get back to.)
The era that they live in is dangerous for children. Children were often discarded when the parents can't support them, living them fending for themselves on the streets through thievery and pity, some were even sold as slaves, in red light districts for a life as nothing more but a pretty caged bird. But the worst fate for children like them is death.
And in this mysoginistic world it would be much more dangerous for a little girl to be wandering around. So Senritsu decided that she will disguise herself as a boy, for less convenience and less danger.
Giyuu doesn't want her to do it but he knows that it cannot be helped with how the world runs its course. Besides, if he wasn't able to protect his own sister who says that he'll be able to protect his friend with the way he is right now. With the disguise, Senritsu would have at least a layer of protection to some factors and Giyuu is determined to cover the other bases to keep his only friend by his side safe.
He won't let anything happen to the only person he has left.
*-*-*-*-*
"Yuu I'm tired."
Blue eyes glanced at me for a moment before they searched towards the surrounding area for us to rest for the night. The sun was setting on the horizon, the yellow orange ball of gas barely seen through the thick foliage and towering trees.
It was dark.
The forest creatures were already settling themselves for the night, I could hear the nocturnal animals rousing from their sleep, getting ready to hunt for their unlucky prey.
We've been walking for hours with no particular destination. Just going in a random direction until we see a new village, stay there if we find it suitable enough or we could travel again until we find a new place to call home.
I know children traveling alone unsupervised by adults is highly dangerous at this kind of era where wild animals and monsters like it could attack us anytime, or just plain bandits being bandits capturing us to be sold at the nearest black market were great posibilities. But as said before, we were just children, (and I'm counting myself as one because I am biologically still a toddler) stupid distraught angry children who wants nothing but to get away from things that will hurt them, what had hurt them.
The decision to leave was a spur of the moment thing when Yuu asked me if I wanted to leave and well, I said yes.
So if this decision we've made comes back biting us in the ass then it's an easy move to just blame myself. I'm the older one in this duo, reincarnation bull be damned, so it's just right to take responsibility from this whole thing.
"Here, let's rest here." The boy gestured to a hallow tree that has enough room to fit both us, it was a grand ancient thing with large thick roots digging to the earth, towering dark trunk and winding branches that reached far and wide. The sound it produces was pleasant, calming and something you could say old as time. It promises a level of protection from possible nightmares.
"This looks nice." I said, giving him a small upturned of lips. It was the best thing I can do for a smile at this moment.
Yuu's only reply was a nod and proceeded to help me settle in for the night.
The hallow inside was filled with dry leaves and some branches but all in all it will fit us both comfortably. Good thing it was still autumn. Not too hot nor too cold, but the awful thing is, the little demon crawlers are quite abundant this year because of the nice weather. Pesky things procreate too much when that happens, but hopefully by winter they all die and return from hell where they came from.
After spreading a thick blanket from the bed of leaves for protection in getting bugs to our ears (just thinking about it makes my skin crawl, and the sickly reminder of the monster crawled in my head at this), we both tucked ourselves in the other thick blanket that we packed. We've already eaten before on the way to this little shelter and hopefully we would be seeing another village soon. The food we packed could last so much for a few days, a week at most if we rationed it well. Clean water was no issue since we were following the river stream (that was from near our house) to get us to a new village.
Embarassingly, it was Yuu who suggested it and it did made perfect sense.
Yuu's probably smarter than I am when I was his age. I won't probably be able to keep that calm mask after what happened, knowing myself, I would probably just cry my eyes out, maybe die out of sheer grief from losing someone while I was so young. And this is me, reborn and technically eighteen, still felt the need to just break down, to just wail and curse everything in existence. Because goddamnit, it hurts so fucking much.
Hasn't the Random Omnipotent Asshole (ROA) had enough of the cosmic gag he had put me through?
Loosing my family once was earth shattering and it completely broke me to think that I'll never be able to see, touch and hear those people again. Hear their loving words and feel their caring touches.
But no.
ROA hasn't had enough of one cosmic gag, he puts me somewhere in Kermit's green ass baby nippon, where fucking centipede monsters exists and that they feed on fucking humans.
What is this?
The apocalyptic Pokemon world?!
Where you can be the very best through killing those, those fugly things?!
What is this? A shounen anime where the main character has to have tragic backstory?!
Well, if anything I don't want to be an MC in any which way possible if that's the case. I'm content to just being Villager C, a background character who can be drawn as lackluster as the animator wants and still the viewer wouldn't care. I want to be that Villager C that has that easy life paved for them, content and happy and nothing to worry about.
Nothing to be scared about.
I scooted closer to Yuu and brought one arm to his waist. He did the same for me and placed his head on top of mine. This near I could hear his beating heart up close. His sound. The ocean that was still going through a violent storm, churning waves that threatens to drown everything. He was't as calm as his mask suggests, I knew that right from the start. Right when he was standing there on that doorstep wet with dried blood splatters on his robes and that haunted look in those beautiful blue eyes.
Yuu was still a child and it breaks my heart to think that he had lost someone precious in such a young age.
I hummed, it was still painful for me to do so but I carried on. The gentle lulling tone filled the expanse of the little shelter and I could feel Yuu's shoulder relaxing as he gripped my small body closer to him. Sharing our warmth felt reassuring, in a sense that the other has still heat to give, a proof that they're alive and well.
A tear fell down on one cheek and a small hand was quick to wipe it away. "I'm here." The boy murmured quietly. He gently squeezed my body and then relaxed. "We're both here."
*-*-*-*-*
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" An ear shuttering raw bloodcurdling scream broke Giyuu from his nightmare and into the next.
His mind instantly went alert and he quickly got up from the warm nest of sheets. Panicked blue eyes searched for the small body occupying the other side and his heart dropped when he found nothing.
Quickly, he got out, almost bashing his head on a thick root when he tripped at his haste. Once out, Giyuu searched for the source of the scream.
"AHHHHHH!!! STAY BACK, STAY BACK, STAY BACK, STAY BACKKKK!!!!!"
After a few seconds of locating the scream, Giyuu saw a hunched small figure and he palmed for the sharp knife he had grabbed before going out. Tiny hands covering her ears and eyes shut tightly with tears leaking through. Her breathe was labored, it's as if she wasn't breathing at all. Blue eyes surveyed the area for what might've caused the fear and quickly went to his friend.
"Osen-chan! Osen-chan! What's the matter?!" He took her small shoulders, shaking it slightly. In his discovery, she wasn't breathing at all.
A panic attack, Giyuu calmed his heart as he shakes her shoulders again. "Osen-chan! Osen-chan, I need you to breathe. Can you hear me?"
No reaction.
The girl was turning pale and Giyuu did the next best thing to get her attention.
He slapped her in the cheek. Hard.
"Senritsu!" Much to his relief, the girl started coughing and inhaling air.
"Keep breathing," a small hand searched for his and Giyuu complied, squeezing it thrice. "Just breathe and explain to me later."
Senritsu's labored breathing filled the quiet forest, unintelligible murmurs coming out from her mouth as she kept squeezing the hand given to her like a lifeline.
Quietly, her eyes still closed shut. "I-is... i-is it gone?" She said in a pleading fearful tone, making Giyuu survey the area again with sharp narrowed eyes.
He let the girl closer to him in a reassuring hug. "What is it?"
Silence again and a deep inhale.
"T-the c-c-centipede..." she dug her head closer to his neck and Giyuu looked around for the insect that caused her fear.
"No, it isn't here anymore." Giyuu glanced at the wild berries and handkerchief on the ground. He concluded that Senritsu was picking it for them.
"It's gone?"
Giyuu nodded and the girl relaxed in his arms.
"I'm sorry if I woke you up so a-abruptly." She said, still rather breathless, her right ear located to his chest.
Giyuu carded his fingers through silky uneven hair. "It's alright." His eyes softened when golden eyes looked up to peer up at him. There were still some lingering tears in there, but the gratefulness and warmth could still be seen.
Large golden eyes looked down and then backed up again. "I-it's just that... the thing," another deep inhale. "that thing looked like a centipede too so I..."
Nothing more can be said and Giyuu just lets his head fall to the crook of her neck and hummed a familiar tune.
Giyuu is not good with words nor was he used to socializing. Out of the two of them Senritsu always did the talking and interacting which was kinda sad since he was older by five years.
But what he does know is Senritsu. Coward, kind, friendly, loud, smart, gentle, talented, low self-esteemed and cute Senritsu.
Senritsu who would cry out whenever the chance is possible. She get's scared easily and always finds someone to hide from something that scared her. She's kind, just like how her mother was gentle. She forgives people who had wronged her when they say they were sorry. Those bullies that has nothing good to do was always forgiven because "They're just kids, they make mistake so just let them." yet she overlooks the fact that she's also a kid as well. She befriended him, even if he doesn't know exactly what to do with that. She's smart, because look at her, she's just three yet she speaks bigger words than some of the adults he knows. She's talented, probably the reason why Suzuran had called her 'Songbird'. She's cute even if she doesn't believe it herself and that makes it all the more purer.
Giyuu knows that he had only been friends with her for a month or so but that's enough because she's a bit easy to understand and the fact that she can't hide her emotions well is one of a giveaway.
But what Giyuu doesn't understand is why her eyes would sometimes have this faraway look in them. They felt so distant, old and wary. Something that you'd see on a grown man, not something you'd see on a three year old little girl. Her golden eyes would gloss over ever so often, looking at something Giyuu could not see. Sometimes this sad, depreciating smile would just stretched from her lips and he doesn't like seeing much of that.
By the end of all of that, Senritsu was still his friend. He might not know all about her just as how she doesn't know a lot about him, just the thought of having someone to save them from drowning is enough.
Just the two of them is enough.
Amber eyes shone when the morning light struck, making it seem like it was molten gold instead. "Thanks Yuu. Thank you so much."
Thank you for being here.
For the first time since the tragedy happened, ocean eyes sparkled and pale lips quirked upwards.
"You're welcome."
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A/n: Hi guys, I hope you enjoyed this new update and I'm so happy a lot of you is enjoying it. I'm sorry if my grammar or sspelling is up to par because English is not really my first language.
I hope you find Giyuu's point of view good enough and I'd like to add that this is my first fic to be in First person point of view so I'm sorry if there are some errors. If you see some then kindly point it out to me and I'll edit it when I have the time.
Some facts here:
Kosode - literally means 'short sleeved' , think of a basic Japanese robe but had shorter sleeves. It can be worn by men and women.
'White' spider lilies or lily of the valley represents sweetness. But lily of the valley (Suzuran) in christian religion it means humility or the second coming of christ. It's even called Mary's tears or Our Lady's tears derived from christian legends where it sprang from the Virgin Mary during Christ's crucifixion. The power of people to envision a better world was also attributed to the lily of the valley.
The red variation of the spider lilies are often used in funerals. It means 'lost memory', 'never to meet again' and 'abandonment'. Most of these flowers grow near the Japanese cementery and is said to be growing in the Sanzu River (Japanese version of the river of Styx) that's why it's also called the flowers of hell.
Suzuran's lullaby was from 'The Promised Neverland' titled 'Isabella's Lullabye' the lyrics was written by Amanda Lee (Leeandlie)
Oh yeah I added something on the previous chapter and edited it, seeing all the missing words made me cringe.
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