I have done a LOT of writing on this fan fiction. I have legit written 3 chapters or summin so get ready for those coming soon! But now I have a little bit more written I can finally post this big momentous chapter that y'all been waiting patiently for. Thanks for being here and supporting this fic ❤️ Enjoy!
Cyrus POV:
I adjusted my top button in the mirror of the hallway, anxiety was practically seeping out of me as I then proceeded to have anxiety about anxiety causing sweat patches. Shit. I ran a hand through my hair for about the millionth time in the past 30 minutes I've been trying to get ready. Right, maybe a shirt isn't the best option, especially when I feel like this. And so, I changed for the 3rd time. I made eye contact with the scared, sad and insecure boy looking back at me in the glass. His lip in a frown and eyes begging for help. Me. Although I appear rather sad...my outfit choices are on point. This is the one.
So what if I was wearing the same pastel pink hoodie I wear all the time? It's what I feel comfortable in and if I need anything right now, it's comfort. Biting my lip, I took my rainbow bracelet and put it on, boosting some extra confidence into my battering heart. I tried a smile but it just didn't look or feel right, it was as if there were weights pulling down the corners of my mouth. Those weights called friends.
After taking my phone from its charger, I trudged down the stairs to put my rainbow vans on whilst my mom eyed me carefully from her chair. 'Cyrus?'
I glanced up, 'Yeah?'
My mom paused before continuing, 'Are you sure you want to go to this party?'
I acted as if what she'd asked was crazy, 'Of course I do! Why wouldn't I?'
She knew I was lying, I knew I was lying, 'You just don't look seem very excited,'
I sighed, 'I've gotta go, I'll be late otherwise,'
'Ok, have fun,' My mom said as normally as she was capable of but I could tell she knew something was up.
****
When I got to Andi's, it was evident a party was happening. Music was vibrating from the pavement and pulsing through my blood from the drive. The amount of people I could see through the windows made my stomach twist into knots to the point I thought I might actually throw up. I swallowed it down. Not now, they'll be pissed.
My feet managed to drag me to the door so i could open it to reveal exactly what I had expected. Almost an exact replica of what I had pictured in the millions of scenarios I'd imagined on the walk here...and yesterday...and since I knew about this party.
The only thing I could appreciate that was only just visible through the crowd of teenagers jumping to the same, boring beat over and over again; the disgusting array of drinks which I'm pretty sure are not legal for our age and the gross smell of BO was the bouquets tied around the house that gave it a really nice summer feel other than the rest that made it feel like a rave, not that I know what that's like.
I stuck out like a sore thumb, everyone else was either wearing something branded or black. I must look very out of my depth and to be honest, I am. As I was trying to take in my surroundings, Buffy suddenly made me jump as she purposely tried to scare me. That plus my anxiety made me feel as if I'd had an electric shock. I subtly clung to the wall and laughed along with her as if everything was fine. It wasn't. She took my hand and lead me directly through the crowd as if no one was there at all. Meanwhile, I was dodging bodies and drink spillages like I was doing the cha cha slide.
I should've just turned and left, I should've told my friends I don't like how they've been treating me, I should've texted TJ so we could get away from this together. Instead I let myself be pulled towards more things I hate and pretended to be ok with it. Andi and Jonah greeted me as if I was their favourite person in the whole entire world when I got there. I'm not. They just like being able to push me around without a response.
'You enjoying the party Cy Guy?!' Jonah had to shout over the booming music...isn't this the same song?
I went with a nod as one, I wasn't sure I could convincingly lie to anyone and two, I'd have to yell and end up with a scratchy voice in the morning. So not worth it.
'We're forgetting something!' Andi squealed, reaching for something on the chair and revealing 4 flower crowns. She kept the red one for herself, purple for Buffy, yellow for Jonah and pink for me. She then shouted to the rest of the party about the flower crowns and before I knew it tons of people were reaching their hands out to get a flower crown from Andi when my eyes viewed as their claws reaching out to drown me.
My chest rose and fell a little quicker as I realised I was panicking. I found a clear path that meant I could sit on the stairs. I focused on my breathing until it was normal. It wasn't a panic attack but if I hadn't of got out of there, it could've been. I thought about possibly going home but there's no way I'd be able to get that past Buffy and Andi...no, they're right, I need to tough it out. I took a deep breath before standing. I should find TJ anyway.
I hadn't really thought of the practicality of trying to find TJ in this huge house at this huge party that has a huge amount of people. Great. The more and more I saw different faces the more and more daunting the whole ordeal seemed to me. I don't even know most of these people. I felt my chest get tighter and tighter as I thought of the horrible things that might happen. What if he's not here? What if he's doing drugs? What if he's drunk? What if he's hurt? What if-
'CYRUS!' I heard a yell and an arm touch my shoulder which I instinctively flinched from. Buffy. 'Where did you go?!'
I shrugged, she wouldn't get it so why should I bother explaining?
She rolled her eyes, 'Can't you just at least try to have a good time? I know you don't like this type of thing but we do, you should respect that and make an effort instead of moping about,' she turned to go, expecting me to follow but I was just stood frozen still at what I had just heard. Is...is she right? Am I just being stubborn?
Buffy noticed I wasn't following, 'Cyrus?'
I opened my mouth to say something but closed it tight shut, I knew my eyes were close to tears but I refused to cry. They'd be so mad.
Buffy must've seen she'd struck a chord because suddenly she was being all nice to me as she took my hand, 'let's get you a drink,'
Maybe she really is just trying to be nice.....wait did she just say drink?
When I had processed what she said to me, we were already at the alcohol table. Buffy took a bottle of what I assumed to be vodka and poured a decent amount into a red party cup before filling the rest with lemonade. 'Here!' She said gleefully. I examined the cup as if it was a piece of art, it really wasn't, I was just bluffing.
I tried to protest, 'I'm ummm...I don't really want to-'
'Drink it!' Buffy shrugged as if it were nothing, maybe it is to her but to me this is a big thing.
'I...I....' I stammered, the drink almost spilling my hands were shaking so much.
Jonah and Andi noticed what was happening, holding her own cup that was also filled with god knows what, she joined in, 'Come on Cyrus! Chug chug chug chug!' She started chanting with Buffy as Jonah just stayed quiet and watched.
Their words echoed in my ears as I was being forced to do something I definitely didn't want to do. My left hand had slid itself into my pastel pink sleeve as it gripped at the fluffy fabric, my right was trying to hold onto the cup without dropping it. My heart was in my mouth, blocking me from being able to speak as I stayed silent. My head and my anxiety battled with each other, one was telling me to give in and drink it, the other was telling me to run. I had to make my decision quickly as the voices become more and more persistent as Andi and Buffy were getting impatient and my heart was beating so fast that it wasn't just blocking my voice, it was stopping my lungs from getting oxygen. I couldn't breathe.
My hands finally did what I wanted them to as I threw the cup on the ground.
'Cyrus!' Andi yelled, clearly more concerned about her grandma's carpet than me.
'What the fuck Cyrus! Lighten up!' Buffy shook her head.
My anxiety mixed with my fear and only fed my panic attack. It got worse as I slid my now empty right hand into my sleeve too and avoided their eyes of betrayal.
'Honestly! What is your problem!' Buffy yelled, in anger this time, not just over the music that wasn't helping anything.
'You,' I gasped, the words escaping my mouth before I knew what I was saying. The truth.
Andi's mouth fell open as Buffy blinked in disbelief, 'Excuse me?'
Although my panic attack was blurring my senses, I still managed to speak clearly enough for them to understand exactly what I meant.
'My problem is you,' I said but louder, 'You don't care about me. At all. You never ask me how I am and you expect me to follow every order you give me like a little puppet. Well guess what, fuck you, fuck all of you because I'm not a puppet, I'm a fucking human being. I make my own choices for myself, you don't make them for me anymore because I have a voice which you'd know if you actually let me speak.'
Jonah's eyes were wide in shock as were Andi and Buffy's as it finally clicked at what I had just done. My panic attack was now the worse it's ever been as I bolted outside, making sure they didn't follow me.
I could hear my breath catch in my throat each time I attempted to breathe, my hands emerged from their sleeves so I could touch the cold slab I was sat on, hoping it would shock my system back into sense. It didn't. The party continued inside as if nothing had ever happened, as if I were never there. I felt tears come out of my eyes as I let them fall. My head was running. I really shouldn't have done that, they'll never take me back now. I'm going to have no friends and be all alone. I choked back my sobs as I just thought of how stupid I am. I didn't even care if I couldn't breath as I just hugged my knees to my chest and cried into them.
It had been a few minutes until I heard the door open, briefly making the same agonising beat that had been playing for hours seem louder, then close again. I heard the heels of whoever it was hit the floor reasonably loudly, they were wearing heels. I was too emotionally exhausted to try and speak to anyone so I stayed where I was. Meanwhile, whoever the person was sat beside me but didn't say anything, I could just feel them there. It was actually kinda comforting, even though it wasn't TJ. My anxiety didn't like it though. I tried to cover up the fact I was spluttering for breath but it didn't work, it alarmed the person.
'Are you okay?!' They sounded concerned, 'Can I do anything?'
Since they were being so nice, I lifted my head to look at them, hoping that as soon as this was over, I could thank them. I met their eyes and saw that they were actually very pretty. She had her hair in tight curls that were tamed out of her face with a blue head band. Her makeup was really good and her white, woollen turtle neck dress, though strange for summer, was extremely stylish. Is she even in my year?
I wiped my eyes, aware I looked a mess in front of someone so cool. For some reason, just laying eyes on her made me relax a little and instead of spluttering it was just hard to breathe. It's not that I liked her like that, it's just something about her is familiar...I can't put my finger on it. My eyes flickered across her face...fuck. She looks like Buffy. I know she's not Buffy but now I felt extremely cold towards the girl and dropped my eyes to the floor.
When she stood up though, my heart jumped at the thought of being out hear alone again. I almost called out but I was too nervous. She disappeared for a moment and I thought that was it, that I was just going to have to endure this all alone with my not so friendly thoughts. I buried my head in my hands as my harsh breath caressed my skin but then I felt the girl's presence beside me again. I lifted my head to see her holding a cup, it was extended out to me. I took it but then I remembered what just happened and decided to ignore it. Just being sat with her was calming me down little by little until I felt comfortable enough to speak.
'W-What's in th-this,' I stammered.
She smiled warmly, 'It's just water, I promise,'
I trusted her but out of precaution, I smelled it...Water. I took a sip, it tasted so good, I hadn't realised how thirsty I was until then. There was a moment of quiet between us until the girl said, 'Do you want to talk about what happened?'
I didn't know her at all, swear I've seen her around Jefferson but this would be the first time I'd met her. Even so, I began to spill my issues as if they were exploding out of me.
'I've been friends with these people since second grade and they just keep treating me...as if not actually a human. They force me to go places with them, I feel like I could never say no to them or they would do something awful. They pressure me to do things and blame almost anything that happens on me, flooding? My fault, war? My fault. It's endless and I don't know why I never spoke up about it. I just feel invisible...' Tears pricked my eyes as I glanced up at the girl who was being empathetic.
'They're fucking assholes,' she frowned.
That made me laugh a little, 'Yeah...'
The girl laughed with me, before giving me some advice, 'I get that you've known them for a long time...I had someone like that.....it was scary imagining my life without them but in the end, they were doing more damage than letting them go would do. They were toxic and I just needed to learn that they're not my whole life. The good memories I should cherish but I'd be a lot happier without them using me.'
I thought over what she had just said before asking, 'How did you find new friends?'
She paused before saying, 'As long as you're a good person, you'll find your people, even if it takes time,'
My mind thought of Amber, Walker, Natalie and Marty, they were all so much nicer to me than Andi, Buffy and Jonah have ever been. Why don't I just hang out with them?
'Cyrus?!' A deeper voice panted as someone ran towards me. Before I knew it, I was being embraced. It took me a while to realise it was happening because I had been too engrossed in conversation but when I replayed their voice in my head and smelled their cologne my brain clicked.
'TJ!' I wrapped my arms around his neck and giggled as he swung me around.
When we pulled away his beam faded to a frown, 'Have you been crying?'
Shit. I dried my eyes quickly on my sleeve and shook my head, 'It's ok...I'll tell you later,'
TJ nodded and his eyes shifted to the girl who was still sat on the step, I then realised that she had just seen that. 'Kira? I didn't know you were going to be here...'
My eyes widened, mumbling, 'That's Kira?'
Kira fiddled with her hands, 'I didn't know you were going to be here,'
TJ intertwined our hands, 'I see you've met Cyrus, my boyfriend,'
Kira stood with her mouth slighted parted, shock evident on her face, 'Oh...I, Uh...didn't know,'
There was a few seconds of awkward silence as me and TJ observed her reaction and she seemed like she wanted to say something else, lingering for a moment before concluding the tension, 'Well, I better go now, I hope you feel better Cyrus,' and with that, she went back inside the party where I could make out the silhouette of my 3 former friends doing karaoke, so glad I escaped before that one.
'I'm...guessing you don't want to go back in there?' TJ asked.
'Definitely not,'
'...we going back to my place?-'
'Yes, Let's go,' I said almost a little too quickly as I practically dragged him away from the house.
As we walked hand in hand down the street, I debated on whether to start the conversation or to wait for him to. Luckily, that was solved when TJ spoke first.
'You going to tell me what happened?'
Although I wanted to talk about it, although the I expected the question to be asked, for some reason as soon as the words left his mouth the overwhelming realisation of what has been happening for years hit me like a ton of bricks. Before I realised it, tears were streaming down my already blotchy face.
TJ stopped us walking, clearly upset to see me in such a state, 'Oh Cyrus,' he wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head into his nice smelling shirt as I stained it with my tears, sobs muffled within the fabric. 'Let's get you back to mine and I'll give you some food ok? You must be hungry right?' He smiled.
Despite the fact I was crying, his smile made my heart flutter so much that I couldn't help but smile too. 'Yeah...as long as it's some kind of sugar,'
'That's my Cyrus,'
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Once TJ had made us both hot chocolates; taken them up to his room and covered his bed with as many pillows and blankets as we could find for maximum comfort, we finally started talking about it.
'What happened at the party?' I could tell he was trying not to worry but the way his nails were tapping his glass rapidly told me he was failing.
I sniffed, letting the sensation of chocolate and heat spread throughout my body, clearing my heart of any sadness I had. Of course, it came back but the temporary relief was enough. 'Andi and Buffy were trying to force me to do something I didn't want to do and I just couldn't take it anymore,'
TJ took my hand, which was warm from the cup, and smiled a little, 'Cyrus...you don't have to tell me but I know there's more to it than that, I've.....I've noticed it for a while now,'
My grip on my hot chocolate tightened as I just stared at him for a few seconds, 'Y-you...you can't tell anyone,'
'I won't, Cy, I promise,'
I nodded, turning to put my mug down on his bedside table. Playing with my hands, I kept my eyes on my lap whilst I figured out how I was suppose to explain it to someone, as this was the first time I would be doing so.
'It's not just what happened at the party,' I started, tears already in my eyes.
(7 years ago)
I couldn't help but stare into the distant as memories from last night flashed into my head. The word 'divorce' echoing in my ears to the point I believed it was actually being said. After a while, I felt a sharp prod in the shoulder.
'Cyrus! Why are you not listening,' Andi rolled her eyes as she clearly didn't care what I was feeling.
'I'm just...sad today,' I mumbled, avoiding their eyes.
'Me too,' Buffy nodded, 'I asked my mum if I could dye my hair and she said no!'
I stared at her in disbelief, seriously?
'Buffy! I'm so sorry,' Andi rubbed her back, 'I know how much you wanted to dye your hair...'
'It's not the end of the world,' I said half-heartedly.
Andi's head shot up, 'Cyrus! Can you at least show a little compassion? Buffy's upset!'
Fear struck my heart, 'T-That's not my fault...I don't know what to say,'
'How about you just say nothing,' Andi snapped, shaking her head before continuing to comfort Buffy.
(5 years ago)
'Lets go on the ferris wheel!' Buffy suggested excitedly.
'Yes!' Andi agreed, already running after Buffy towards the stand.
My stomach flipped with nerves, 'Guys...I umm...I really don't want to go on that-'
'Cyrus stop being so selfish!' Buffy shook her head, 'The vote is 2 to 1,'
I started to argue but it was too late as they were already there. I'll just suck it up.
We reached the stall and my heart only beat faster when I realised the guy behind the stand was extremely attractive...wait what. Oh no. No.
'Please! Please can we go back to yours, I can't go on this ride!' I panicked, ignoring the confusion in my head about the guy and tried to avoid it as quick as possible.
Andi huffed, 'You always do this! Why are you such a baby?'
Anxiety swirled in my stomach but I took a deep breath and tried to suppress it, 'Andi, please, I'll buy you food!'
Andi shook her head.
Buffy, oblivious to the current situation, asked, 'Cyrus, can you get the tickets?'
I glanced at the guy and gulped, 'W-why?'
Buffy clutched her chest, 'I just get so nervous talking to people, I just feel really awkward,'
Andi laughed, 'You sound like Cyrus!'
They both burst into fits of laughter as I just stood there feeling more self-conscious than ever. Realising I wouldn't get out of this, I took a deep breath and walked up to the stall.
'Ummm hi,' I said a little quietly, catching the attention of the beautiful looking guy behind the stall. His blue eyes were like a sparkling lake with not end, his blonde curls lightly flopping down his face as he gave me a charming smile. Again, wow. NO.
'Hey there, what could I do for you?' Even his voice was angelic *cough*
I just stood there in awe as he began to look more and more confused. I knew I had to say something or it would be really awkward. Without thinking, my mouth made the only noise that my brain was currently fixated on, 'gay,'
Immediately, I knew what I had said and took one last look into the guy's eyes before running off.
(2 years ago)
I sat in silence whilst Andi and Buffy were doing each other's makeup. I secretly wished they'd do mine and I realised that they probably would if I asked...but then they might ask things. But...when it comes to it...I actually do want to tell them. Yeah, I'll just tell them.
'H-Hey guys can you listen for a second?' I asked hesitantly.
Andi rolled her eyes, 'I'm just finishing Buffy's makeup, can't it wait?'
I paused, tempted to just shout 'no' at her...but I did as she said, 'Yeah...s-Sure,'
It had been a few minutes when I realised when she said she was finishing Buffy's makeup, she really meant that she didn't want to hear and this was her excuse. I decided to just start talking.
'So...I have something to tell you guys,' I sighed, pulling at my jeans as my two best friends were finally paying attention to me. In fact, they must have sensed something in my voice because they immediately dropped all makeup and leaped onto the bed.
'Yes,' Buffy said questioningly.
The words were caught in my throat but I managed to push them out, 'I'm...I l-like g-guys,'
Andi frowned, 'Soooo...you're bi?'
I lowered my eyebrows, 'N-no-'
'But, you've had a girlfriend?' Buffy intervened.
'Yes b-but I don't-'
'Well what are you then,' Andi shrugged.
I took a deep breath, reminding myself this could have gone a lot worse, 'I'm gay,'
'But you can't be gay,' Buffy shook her head, 'You don't sound it,'
'That's not even what that means,' I argued in disbelief, 'How can you still somehow manage to make this about your opinion when it's not even about you,'
'Jesus Christ Cyrus, calm down, you're being dramatic,' Andi checked her nails.
'I'm being dramatic?!' I laughed sarcastically, staring back at their blank faces as if to say 'yes you are Cyrus' guilt took over my system as I fled the scene with them shouting after me.
(Now)
'It's ok Cyrus,' TJ shushed me as I sobbed into his hoodie that I was snuggled into, 'They're gone now,'
But were they really gone?
Forever?
That was a long boi, what did ya think? I know the flash backs were a bit messy but I wanted to show how shit Andi and Buffy had been (in case you couldn't tell) Next chapter won't be too long away, maybe next Monday? I don't know but...maybe?