I sat stiffly in the leather round chair watching as the clock's minute hand ticked by. Liza was fumbling through her notes as she began to prepare herself for our session. I wondered if she already knew. Was it written across my face? Or was she telepathic and had already read my mind to know what I was going to say.
"So, I assume we have a lot to catch up with, Rose?" she piped up, fidgeting slightly in her chair as she re-composed herself and comfortably positioned her notepad on her lap.
"Yes," I replied, rubbing the palms of my hands together anxiously.
"When you're ready Rose," she said, offering a sympathetic smile. Was it really possible for someone to not judge? I know it's her job to listen but that couldn't come without any opinion. What did she really think? Despise? Pity? Or had she trained herself to not feel any sort of opinion? Because if I was in her shoes, I would be disgusted sitting opposite someone who has cheated on their partner and lied to their best friend without remorse.
"I—I guess you could say a lot has happened," I admitted, looking to my feet, the ends of my trainers battered and discoloured from their years of use. "My divorce has been settled...I haven't spoken to my best friend since I told her the truth. And the guy I was having an affair with has admitted to me that he pursued me originally because of my uncanny resemblance to his dead ex," I explained, feeling not an ounce of weight disperse off my shoulders.
Liza lifted her brows as she shuffled in her chair. "That is a lot—but let's go through each individually. Your divorce? How does that make you feel?"
"It doesn't feel real. I just can't...get over it. I know I can't blame anyone but myself but...it just doesn't feel right. All I've ever known is Nick and...now it's over," I replied.
"And you think this definitely means you and Nick are infinitely over?" she asked, jotting down notes as she spoke.
"Yes...I don't see us ever getting back together."
"And—this uncanny ex. You mentioned?"
I paused, an image of her picture entering my mind reminding me of the suspicion I now felt towards Shane. I wasn't sure I had even took the time since he had told me, to reflect. I mean, how could I? I then opened my mouth to speak, surprised as I spewed at the words without a pause for breath. "The man I had an affair with admitted to me that I remind him of his dead ex, I've seen the photo myself, it's like looking the mirror but although he's promised me that he loves me for me, I'm not sure if I believe him."
Liza was scribbling away, only pausing as she picked up her glass of water off the side table and took a quick sip. I was met with her curiosity. "So, do—let me rephrase," she paused again, "do you want to be in a relationship with this person?"
"I-I don't know. If I'm honest at the beginning I did," I replied, startled by my lack of hesitancy. "But, now I'm not so sure. I-I just feel like I would be living another lie because how do I really know he's telling the truth? He could be just a good liar wrapped up in the fantasy that I'm his ex—and not me."
Liza nodded in agreement. "You make a good point. It rather seems like you've answered your original doubts.
I'm pretty sure we went over my 1 hour slot. I didn't leave feeling any happier or fulfilled-- not that I expected that. The usual 'it will take time but you're making the steps' phrase must have been recycled ten times or something. None of this felt real. Maybe it was just a nightmare? Maybe I'd be home with Nick and Shane wouldn't have walked into my path. But this wasn't a nightmare, it was reality. Nick, well I didn't know where he was but he was far from me. And Shane? He was keeping his distance like I had asked.
Later that night, barely eating a spoonful of food for that entire day, I sat behind my desk, the screen flare lighting up my face as I scrolled through Twitter. Part of me wanted to type 'I cheated' and post it out to my followers but what good would that do? Somehow or another, there'd be the few who would use my qualities to redeem me of my foul play. I just hated seeing positivity spread across my page. I wasn't a good person. I was horrible. I deserved hate.
Startled by the alert of my phone, I picked it up. "Rose, it's Jennifer."
Nick's mom. "J-Jennifer." I sat up, my heart beating fast.
"I—Nick told me not to phone you. He wouldn't tell me why—but I know you two have split. What happened?" said, sounding upset.
"I-I," I began.
-"You two were so happy together. I don't understand. Has he upset you?" she interjected. I knew I couldn't lie. It wouldn't be fair to for her to think that the marriage was somehow Nick's fault and I wanted her to know the truth. I didn't want to be a coward. I wanted her to hate me.
"Jennifer, I cheated on Nick," I replied, without hesitation.
It went silent on the other end. It must have been an uncomfortable 5 seconds or so before the call abruptly ended, leaving nothing but the sound of my heart resonating throughout my eardrums. There. She knew. My ex mother-in-law knew the truth. She wasn't blinded to the truth. I had said it and I knew now that our previous bond was shattered.
I dashed my phone onto the side of the desk and sank back in my chair. How my life has changed.
----
The following morning felt just as empty as yesterday's. I'm not sure anything could have prepared me for the tiniest changes from splitting with Nick. It was strange to be sleeping alone, another warm body absent from besides me. Or just not to be awoken from Nick fidgeting as he got up for work, trudging around in his boxers or often naked, kissing me quickly on the cheek as he would to leave to get ready. I don't think anything could have prepared me for the desolate silence hanging around me day and night. To be honest, when had I ever been truly alone? Truly by myself? My relationship with Nick had been so...quick. We'd gotten together so young that besides the four years of my juvenile teenage existence, I hadn't really experienced being single. I think I was just used to having someone there. Do I really know myself? I can't honestly say.
I was dishing up the scrambled eggs from the frying onto my plate but my mind was heavily focused on Pete's brief. As of next week, my latest book would be launched into the world. I would be signing books at my book launch at the bookstore in town where a number of my dedicated fans would get first dibs into signed copies. The book that pretty much detailed my affair with Shane.
The front door rang capturing my attention. A little disappointed to leave my fresh cooked eggs on the side, I headed to the foyer. I opened it, close enough to faint as I took in the sight of Nick standing at the footstep.
"N-Nick."
The man before me looked like he had aged years. The usual neatness he prided himself was gone. Matted and overgrown, his stubble looked like it hadn't been shaved for days, possibly weeks. It was a typical Wednesday working day so it was surprising to see him dressed head to toe in grey tracksuit bottoms and a blue t-shirt. Those piercing blue eyes seemed duller, fragile as though the colour had been sucked dry. The man before me no longer looked like Nick. I had broken him.
"Nick, I-" I stuttered unsure what to say.
"Can I come in?" he muttered, reluctant as it appeared to look me in the eyes.
"Y-yeah, p-please," I said, shuffling aside as I watched him anxiously step into the threshold and head down the corridor. It was strange hearing him asking for an invite into his own home but it must have not been as strange as discovering his ex-wife had cheated on him.
I followed him into the kitchen where he took to stand near the counter adjacent to the oven. His eyes took notice of the fresh eggs sat on the ceramic plate. I quickly picked up the plate and discarded the contents in the bin, no longer feeling my appetite as I awaited what was to be said.
"My mother told me you told her the truth about our marriage," he said quietly, sounding lifeless like a rotting zombie.
"I did," I replied.
"I wish you didn't," he said, looking at his black trainers.
"I-I'm sorry, I just didn't want her to—"
"No, Rose, what you did was selfish," he cut in. This time he looked up, briefly meeting my eyes before glancing towards the conservatory. "I didn't want her to know that. I was going to tell her in my own time that things had just fizzled out. You told her the truth because you just want to feel a sense of guilt, a sense of moral justice for your actions," he explained, his tone ever so blunt.
I couldn't argue with him. Maybe subconsciously I had.
"She's in tears over there. She's fretting over me more than she has done before. And I didn't want that, Rose. I don't want her thinking I'm broken even if I am," he said, "I came today because I don't want anyone else knowing the truth. We stick to the story I told on the papers," he instructed.
"I'm sorry, Nick. I am," I pleaded, tears threatening within the base of my eyes. "I never meant to hurt you."
"I don't care what you say, Rose. I don't want to hear it," he replied coldly, "Just keep to the story. I don't want anyone getting hurt." He then began to turn pausing as I called after his name.
"Nick," I cried, tears failing to keep bay. "I never wanted to hurt you. I still want you in my life. You've always been there for me."
"Exactly. I've always been there, Rose," he muttered. This time heading on towards the front door without pause even as I pleaded after him.
"Nick. Please. Can we just talk?" I called after him as he headed down the driveway. "Nick!"
"Nick!"
"Nick!"
"Nick!"
Nothing. The man I once loved disappeared around the corner and was gone.
Thank you for reading and your continuous support. I'd like to apologize for the delay in updating the story. I've had a lot on my plate so I haven't had the time nor have I felt exactly in the right space of mind to write. I'm hoping to get back into writing. If you enjoyed this chapter, please kindly vote, comment and share!