(Noah)
FRIDAY
Friday morning Elle decides to go see her mom. I ask her if she wants me to come along or if she'd rather go on her own, and after a pause she asks me to drive up with her but let her have the visit to herself. I find a bench to sit on as I wait for her, and it's impossible not to think about the last time I sat waiting for Elle here. It's not the same bench, and it's not like October was the first time I'd waited here while she visited her mom, but still. I've learned, over the years, what Elle needs from me those times her mom fills her mind even more than usual. She doesn't want to talk, she needs her space, but she also likes to know I'm nearby. To know that I know.
I hesitated before coming here, in October. I booked my flight impulsively after talking to Lee and then I refused to think about exactly what I was doing or why, but the doubts were still there, unacknowledged. The second-guessing hit hardest when I walked into my parents' house after flying in from San Francisco. The house that had been the last place we'd been together and the place we'd somehow fallen apart. The scene of all our breakups, actually. The house where Elle's presence had been a constant longer than I could remember and the house I knew she still visited often, but never when I might be around. I had no idea what to expect, no real plan for the weekend beyond finding Elle. But however Elle might react, it was long past time we talked.
I could have called first, or sent a message. I could probably have gotten Elle's campus address from my mom, or maybe even from Lee, and shown up there instead. But I didn't want anyone else involved, and I couldn't figure out what I'd say if I did send a message. Or maybe I dreaded the possibility of never getting a reply. So, despite all the second-guessing, I decided to just show up in the one place I knew she'd visit at some point that Saturday, the place where the thought of her alone that day had provoked this whole trip.
Elle rejoins me after a while, and when she curls up with her head on my lap I wonder if she's been thinking about October, too. But even if our positions are the same, everything else has changed. This time I don't fight the urge to thread my fingers through Elle's hair, brushing it off her shoulder before letting my hand sweep down to rest over Dinah. This time I have no confusion about how I feel, or how she does. This time we've forgiven each other for all our disasters, not just opted to ignore them. There's a long silent stretch, a quiet moment shared, and when Elle finally says she's ready to go, this time there's no question that we're leaving together. Going home, together.
~~~~
Mom calls with a few wedding updates and questions as we eat lunch. The guest list has grown slightly. Elle's mom's parents are coming, as are Mike's brother and my aunt Jen. Mike's parents don't travel much anymore, nor do my mom's, but we promise to visit with Dinah as soon as possible. My dad's mom does still travel plenty, which is why she can't be here, as she's in the middle of the Pacific on yet another cruise. The friends side of the guest list has stayed limited to Adam and Mickey, though; there are no easy lines to draw after those two, and so that's where we've kept things. On Monday we'll need to go downtown to get our wedding license, but other than that Mom really has kept most of the planning off our shoulders.
"One of Mickey's friends has a play premiering on campus tonight. We could grab dinner at the Thai place by my old dorm before the show," Elle suggests as we finish lunch.
"Nope."
"Oh, come on, the last play wasn't that bad."
"It was, but that's not why."
"Do you have a better idea?"
"It's Friday. I always have plans for us on Fridays." Always, minus those years we spent being idiots. Which means we have a lot of Fridays to make up for.
"Do these plans also involve Thai food? Dinah and I will both be very angry if they don't."
"That could probably be arranged."
"Stop being mysterious and just tell me your plan." Elle glares.
"I figure these next couple weeks are our last chance at some of those adventures we talked about but never got around to."
"Such as?" Now Elle looks downright suspicious.
"Well, you always wanted to go camping in Big Bear...."
"Are you out of your mind?" Elle yelps, interrupting.
I wouldn't mess with Elle so often if she didn't reliably react so entertainingly.
"I mean, we can't drag a baby camping, right? So we'll have to wait years if we don't go now." I force myself to keep a straight face.
"You can't drag me camping! I already can't sleep comfortably in a real bed without five pillows, I'm not sleeping on the ground! And have you forgotten that Dinah wakes me up every three hours to pee? If you think I am sleeping in a tent in the woods, I —"
I give in and grin at her. "I was kidding, Elle. We share a bed, I'm more than aware of your current sleeping habits."
"You were kidding about all of it? This isn't one of your Friday schemes where you refuse to tell me where we're going until we get there? You promise I get to sleep in my own, real bed tonight?"
"Promise. I did actually think about surprising you with some kind of getaway, but it turns out we don't have a lot of options right now."
"What would we be getting away from? We have nothing to do and a very nice apartment in which to do that nothing."
"I know. I just figured we'll be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, it would have been fun to check a few more adventures off our list while we can."
"You didn't seriously consider camping, did you?" Elle still looks concerned.
"Not actual camping, no. But Parker's family has a cabin in Big Bear, so I did think about that... until I realized how far from the hospital we'd be if you went into labor."
"I'm not going into labor this weekend."
"Probably not, but I'm still not taking that chance."
"Agreed. So what else did you consider?"
"Well, you did always threaten to make me go to Disneyland..."
"Because you are literally the only LA native who has never been and that's just wrong and weird."
"Yes, you've told me that. Many times. But being around a bunch of hyped-up kids doesn't seem like great pre-baby relaxation."
"Fine. But I am dragging you there eventually. You know that, right?"
"We'll see about that. But not this weekend. Anyway, Joshua Tree and Palm Springs are too far, one of Mom's friends is using the beach house this week, and I ruled out anything involving sailing or ferries since you've been getting queasy just driving around."
"Yeah, no, I'm vetoing anything sway-y right now."
"So, basically, other than checking into a nearby hotel and pretending to be tourists for the hell of it, not a lot of options for a weekend getaway right now."
"I appreciate the thought, but I'm perfectly happy staying home. So if we're not going anywhere, why can't we go see the play?"
"We're not going anywhere, but I did have plans for us. Do you remember Ironic Puppet?"
Elle stares blankly at me, and then her eyebrows rise sky-high.
"That band those guys from my dorm started? That I dragged you to all those times because my roommate had a crush on the drummer?"
"Yeah. Apparently they kept at it, because guess who's playing at USC tonight?"
"Wow. That's kind of amazing that they're getting actual gigs."
"I listened to one of their recent songs. They're... somewhat less weird and terrible now."
"So that's your mystery plan for tonight?"
"It's been forever since you and I went to a concert, and when I saw their name pop up, I figured we had to go."
"I love it. I wish I'd kept that shirt they guilt-tripped the whole dorm into buying. I can't believe they're touring."
"Well, touring the California college circuit and some tiny clubs. They must have moved out here."
"I also can't believe they're still together."
"Think they'll say the same about us?"
Elle punches my shoulder, but with a grin, and I'm glad our dramas are slowly turning to funny stories. Maybe not all the way funny yet, but at least crossing over from bitter to bittersweet.
~~~~
Ironic Puppet must have made quite an impression at BU, because Elle recognizes several other alums as we hang out before the show starts. Pretty soon they're all singing along, and if it weren't for the glint of her ring catching the light as Elle dances with her new-found friends, I'd forget where and when we are. Well, the ring and the belly; that detail is also new. Everyone keeps congratulating us, and I quickly realize they don't just mean the baby. I guess that's the problem with having gotten Elle a wedding band as an engagement ring—except I'm just fine with the assumption that we're married.
I go get us another round of drinks, and as I'm walking back I see a guy walk up to Elle. She smiles awkwardly at him and I hang back, trying not to eavesdrop too obviously. It's hard to ignore the way he's looking at Elle, though, and eventually I walk up and give him a tight smile. He disappears quickly after that, and I'll admit I'm curious.
"A friend of yours I haven't met yet?"
Elle winces. "Not quite. We, ah, went out a few times. Because Lee made me."
"Because Lee made you?"
Elle gives me an embarrassed smile. "I mean, Lee didn't make me go out with Will. But he signed me up for this dating app, and sometimes he'd send me profiles he thought I should talk to... Anyway, that's how I ended up going on some dates with that guy. Do you actually want to hear about this?"
"Probably not." Do I kind of want to kill Lee? Yeah.
"You did ask."
"So he was glaring at me because he thinks I stole his girl?"
"He was glaring at me. I may have ghosted him a little bit." Elle admits sheepishly. "Not because of you, this was in August. But I guess he doesn't know that."
"So do I need to go set Will straight? And should I expect glares from any other guys at this concert?"
"Are you asking who else I dated? Don't worry, you've staked your claim pretty obviously. I'm hugely pregnant, I'm wearing what everyone thinks is a wedding ring, and you just did that thing where you drape an arm around me and smile smugly. If Will hadn't already gotten the message from me never calling him back, I think he's clear now. As is everyone else here. I don't have to give you the caveman lecture again, do I?"
"You don't need to, but I always enjoy it. But Lee has stopped setting you up, right? He's not still hanging out on dating apps picking out guys for you? Because that's really, really weird, even by his standards."
"Not recently, no."
"Good." I'm grinning at her, but I'm still irrationally mad at Lee for ever having done it. Although, who knows, maybe this was another of his attempts to make us realize we were being stupid. Grudgingly or not, he's been in our corner a lot longer than he likes to admit.
~~~~
SATURDAY
We sleep in after being out late at the concert, and I manage not to wake Elle when I slip out for a run. She's still dozing as I get back and shower, and afterward I let her pull me back into bed.
"You look less green than usual this morning. No need for the seltzer?" I ask her as she curls herself against my side.
"I was queasy, but I got up and had tea while you were out. And then I decided I wanted more sleep. In this nice comfortable bed. That I can't believe you even considered making me give up for the weekend to go sleep in a tent."
"Once again, I really didn't. I told you, it was a cabin we could have stayed at, with real beds and running water and everything."
"All of which we already have right here."
"Yes, I'm aware. I guess I was just caught up in the idea of taking advantage of our last few weeks of freedom."
"It's not like we're dying or going to prison. We can still travel and do stuff after Dinah's here. Maybe not right away, but soon enough. And your mom's reminded me a hundred times that she'd love to babysit if we need a break."
"I know, and you're right. Having a date on the calendar was just making me antsy. Like we're in some kind of countdown rush."
Elle props herself on an elbow, looking at me somewhat nervously.
"Are you afraid we're going to be missing out? That this was too soon? You've made some comments..." Elle's voice trails off.
"No, but..." No isn't quite accurate, but I need the right way to say it. "Well, maybe yes, but not in a bad way."
"Yes, this was too soon?"
"It was—sooner than expected. Which doesn't mean too soon."
Elle still looks concerned. I don't want to lie to her, but it's hard finding the words to explain something I'm still struggling with myself. I sit up against the headboard and pull her up with me.
"Yes, I want more time, but I wouldn't change anything to get us that time. If that makes sense."
Elle nods, but she's looking down at her hands. I trace a finger across her cheek, hoping she'll look at me.
"Look, Elle, there's a million different ways the last few years could have played out. A million points where we could have made different decisions, or had different luck. Maybe we could have figured things out sooner, but we also could just as easily have screwed things up worse, or for longer. And none of it matters now, because this is where we are."
"You just wish this had happened later."
"No. I don't want anything to have happened differently, because it got us here. And I can't really imagine being happier than this."
"Except you want more time."
I'm still not getting it across right.
"The extra time I want—it would still never be enough. Look, I like being with you. I'm always going to want as much of that as I can get. So if I could somehow get more time for just the two of us... yeah, that would be great. But I'd feel that way no matter when this happened. And I don't actually want to delay Dinah getting here, because I want that too."
Elle smiles at me now. "You know that makes no sense, right? We can't have both. But I get it. Change is scary. Babies are scary," she laughs.
"Terrifying," I grin back at her.
"We agree we can deal with that terror without making me sleep in the woods, though, right?"
"For the last time, I was never actually planning—never mind. Yes. We agree."
~~~~
We don't end up leaving the apartment at all on Saturday, and after dinner Elle puts on a movie. Apparently not one she cares enough about to pay attention to, though, because she's soon progressed from idly playing with my hair to climbing into my lap and completely ignoring the movie. I have no objections, but I do have to laugh when an on-screen explosion startles her.
"You know, if this was how you wanted to spend the evening, you didn't need the movie excuse. We have our very own apartment, we can make out without escaping to a movie theater or claiming we're going to your room to watch TV."
"I know. But this is... tradition. And maybe I just have a thing for Marvel movie soundtracks in the background," Elle grins.
"We did watch a lot of movies every time I came back to visit. Absolutely none of which I remember."
"Why did we even pretend? It's not like our parents didn't know."
"Because your father is surprisingly terrifying when he wants to be, and we accidentally fell asleep watching a movie was the polite fiction we all agreed to when I was still in your room on Saturday mornings."
"Even though he knew I wasn't staying at a hotel when I was the one flying out to visit."
"Apparently parenthood is going to involve a lot of selective blindness."
"I don't know, we could be the realistic parents who don't pretend their kids never do more than hold hands with their boyfriends or girlfriends."
"Sure. As soon as Dinah's thirty."
"You're expecting her to wait until she's thirty? I hate to tell you this, but she's going to do the math and know we did a lot more than hold hands before then."
"She doesn't have to wait until she's thirty. I'm just not going to acknowledge it before then."
"Awesome plan. We'll see how well that works out sixteenish years from now. Somehow I don't believe you're actually going to ignore her boyfriends."
"You realize this conversation is becoming a real mood-killer, right? And I was rather enjoying the... mood we had going earlier."
Elle giggles. "Yeah. Maybe we should pay attention to the movie for a while until we've forgotten."
~~~~
SUNDAY
"Cassandra."
"You're kidding, right?" I stare at Elle from over the rim of my coffee mug, and she glares back from the other end of our couch. She claims there's not enough room on the couch these days for her to be comfortable lying with her head near mine, but mostly she wants an excuse to put her feet in my lap and guilt trip me into another foot rub by reminding me who's to blame for her current discomfort.
"No! I really like Cassandra." Elle insists.
"Isn't her claim to fame that no one listens to her? Hard pass."
"Fine. Your turn."
"Lucy." I propose.
"In the sky with diamonds? No."
"Alice."
"In Wonderland? Also no."
"Mary."
"Literally the most generic girl's name ever."
"Jane."
"Ok, I was wrong. That's the most generic name. And are you forgetting your mom is named June? June and Jane would be too confusing."
"I was thinking Jane sounded like both our moms' names, actually. Which seemed like a good thing."
"Oh. Well, now I feel like a jerk for shooting it down. But I don't actually want to name her for my mom, or for anyone else. She deserves her own name. Her own story."
"Alright, now that you've rejected all my ideas, hit me with more of yours."
"Calliope."
"Like the circus instrument? No." I swear some of these Elle suggests just to get a rise out of me.
"Persephone."
"Something not from Greek mythology. With fewer than a thousand syllables."
"Andromeda."
"Elle." She's got to be kidding me.
"But I like Greek mythology."
"And if we get goldfish, you can give them all the weird names you want. But we're not saddling Dinah with a name like that."
"Ha. You're the one who thinks we should consider actually using Dinah, so you don't get to talk about saddling kids with terrible names."
"It grew on me. And at least it's not four syllables."
"Zero chance. Less than zero."
We scowl at each other again. We've had versions of this argument almost daily this week. Elle likes unusual names. I want a name people recognize, something... normal.
"I guess we'll just call her The Baby. And then later she can be The Kid. Or she can just have one name, just Flynn."
"No." Elle glares.
Yeah, I didn't think Elle would go for that.
"I didn't say I liked those options. I'm just saying that's where we'll end up by default if we can't agree on an actual name," I point out.
"Alexandra. But you can call her Alex since you hate long names. Or Al, if you're really lazy."
"I am not naming my daughter Al."
"Fine. Allie. Lexie. Sandy. Andie. Surely one of those sounds boring enough for you."
"You hated Alice. How is Allie any better?"
Elle releases an exasperated sigh. "It's not. But I'm trying, okay?"
"I mean, it's not your worst idea."
"I'm writing it down. You know, Andie could be a nickname for Andromeda, too."
"Absolutely not. That one is your worst idea."
"Penelope, but you can call her Penny. Or Emilia, and you can shorten it to Em."
"Should we really be planning on calling her different names? I don't recall you being fond of alternative nicknames, Shelly."
"I can deal with you using a nickname if it means her actual name isn't boring."
"Alright, enough for today. Maybe once she's born and you see her nice, cute, normal face you'll be willing to consider normal names."
"Maybe if you stop confusing normal and boring. And I'm banking on you feeling pretty grateful and willing to give me whatever I want right then. Wait 'til you hear the name ideas I'm keeping in reserve until then."
The worst part is she's probably not kidding, but I guess I'll have to take my chances. A dozen rounds of the name debate and we still haven't done better than don't totally hate it. And while bickering with Elle is a favorite hobby of mine, we're going to need to live with the outcome of this argument a long time. But we're making progress, and we've still got time. It'll never be enough time, and I can't wait.
~~~~