I was in a shabby coffee shop when he arrived, unkempt as always. I'd been tapping my fingers restlessly on the table, trying to avoid connecting the smell of the clothes I was wearing to my boyfriend and feeling my stomach churn with guilt. I felt sick, as if I was going to throw up any second - that, or pass out. I didn't know which was worse.
This was probably the worst idea in the world, because I knew that we could never actually be friends, and we both desired the same thing. Except one of us had it, and the other didn't.
He didn't even bother ordering anything before slumping into the seat in front of me, brushing his hair back. "I fucking hate people." He grumbled, resting his chin in gloved palms, his elbows on the chipped table.
"Sorry." It was a half-hearted apology, accompanied by a half-shrug.
He scoffed. "Yeah, you don't mean it." I raised my eyebrows briefly, acknowledging the truth, and he smiled. "So."
"So."
Bert arched an eyebrow. "Why did you want to speak to me so badly?"
The silence was fifteen seconds long, and he lowered his gaze to stare at my hands. I kept my eyes on him, listening to his breathing, to the regular hustle and bustle of the shop. In fifteen seconds, the door chimed, someone's phone rang, and a dog barked.
"I know you fucked my boyfriend." I spat the words out as if they tasted foul, the bitter truth settling on my tongue like a pill and making my stomach churn. I was going to throw up I was going to throw up I was going to throw up I -
"I didn't fuck your boyfriend." He said, and my hands clenched into fists on the table. I'd been waiting for these words, and I had a retort ready. "Just hear me out, okay? I didn't fuck him."
"Yes you did, Mikey told me you did -"
"To start with, he fucked me - because even though he bottoms like a goddamn bitch, when he's wasted he makes a very convincing top - and second, I know you probably want to roast me on a spit or something right now, but seriously, hear me out. Because your boyfriend isn't as innocent as you want him to be."
My jaw clenched. I knew that Gerard wasn't innocent - far from it - but hearing him say it hurt a whole lot more. I'd spent the last day in New York without him, and it was just the weirdest thing. Bert had left a note to say that he was staying at a friend's - hence why I hadn't spoken to him until now. But seriously...
"Fine." I exhaled through my nose. "Fine."
He licked his lips. "I'm not trying to shoulder the blame, or, y'know, make excuses...because I know how much you hate me and this is my fault as much as his. But Frank - I - he - we -" he swallowed heavily. "If you think that my intention was to break you up or something, then you're wrong." I snorted. "No, I mean it. I just...I...fuck, okay, I'm gonna tell you about that night, and I want you to listen to me and not say a word. Got it?"
My gut twisted. I really didn't want to hear about the night my boyfriend cheated on me, but if this was ever going to be fixed, I guess I was gonna have to.
"Yeah." I choked out, my heart thrumming at an irregular rhythm. "Okay."
He kept his eyes on the table as he began to speak, frail fingers tracing patterns on the wood in front of him. "It wasn't long before you graduated, actually. I...I'd had one hell of a bad day, stuck inside the house, inside my head, while Gerard was at work, and...when he came home, the pot I'd smoked was wearing off, and man, he was so pissed. Like, I don't know why, but he was pissed, so he had some of the leftover pot, and he decided it would be a good idea to drink.
"I told him not to, y'know, I said, 'Gee, you shouldn't', but he dismissed me, he did it anyway. I'm sure you know what that's like." He raised his head and gave me one of those looks. Yeah, I knew what it was like. He lowered his head once more and continued. "Yeah, so he was drinking, and I thought 'fuck it, may as well drink too', and...we both got pretty wasted, y'know, so..." He paused, and I wanted desperately to say something, to fill the silence, but I had to listen. "And then he looked at me with those eyes, and you know how fucking gorgeous he is - I couldn't resist, he - he just climbed on top of me and kissed me and oh my God I kissed him back and -"
He cut himself off and I shook my head, screwing my eyes shut. "I don't...I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this. I knew I had a reason not to trust you!"
"Yeah, I'm pretty untrustworthy." I glared at him, and he held his hands up. "I admit it, I am."
"I know you fucking are."
I was starting to question everything that had happened between Gerard and I, and whether he actually loved me. But it all added up to the fact that maybe he didn't, maybe was never in love with me in the first place, and maybe he was a better liar than I gave him credit for.
"Does he even love me?" The question was out of my mouth before I could really think about it, and I dreaded the answer because I knew that he'd probably have a better idea of it than me.
He went silent for at least a minute, raising his head but looking anywhere but at me. Finally, he exhaled, running a hand through his hair. "I can't say for sure, because I'm not Gerard, but..." He shrugged. "He's one of those guys who's oblivious to other people's feelings. Not on purpose, that's just the way he is. I know that you love him and care about him but Frank, I don't think he's the guy for you." He went on before I could interrupt, though by that point I didn't have much to say. "I'm not just saying this because of how I feel about him, I'm saying this because, well, I don't like you and you don't like me, but I don't wanna see you get hurt. Not by Gerard."
I didn't want to admit he was right, but I didn't have proof that he was wrong. It suddenly felt like every romantic gesture, every time he did something nice or special or anything, it ended up in some form of sex. And in a way, it was true. Thinking back...it was true.
And the promise ring...
"This isn't me saying that he doesn't love you, but I can't say that he honestly does. I don't know, Frank."
"Okay." I choked out, my clenched fists relaxing, my shoulders slumping. "I see."
"Frank, I -"
"No, I get it." I pushed a hand through my hair, glancing out the window at the scenery. "I get it. I mean..." I let out a sad little laugh. "I don't know why I'm so surprised."
There were a few seconds of silence, and then he sighed. "You're a good kid, okay?" I began to shake my head but he continued anyway. "No, you are. You're what, eighteen? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Remember what I said about the whole age gap thing?" I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I was an asshole - I'm sorry - but y'know, it kinda makes sense. Not the age gap, the age gap is fine...it's just how old you two are. He's twenty-five. Do you really wanna spend your days hanging around a guy seven years older than you are?"
I nodded, because I loved him, and it killed me to think that he didn't feel the same even after he promised he did, and I heard him exhale.
"This is Gerard we're talking about, here."
"You don't understand." I said, my voice cracking.
"I probably don't. And I know you don't expect me to. But..." He licked his lips. "Jesus, this is so hard for me to say without sounding like a prick." He paused. "If he's so happy to cheat on you like he did - and that was my fault as much as his, I'll admit - then do you really think he loves you like he says he does?"
"Of course he does!" I cried, causing a few people to snap their heads towards us. "I mean...people make mistakes!" My voice turned pleading, and tears rose to my eyes. The terrible truth was sinking in, and I was getting desperate.
"Yes, Frank, but..." He trailed off, shrugging a little. "If you cheated on him it would be the same."
"I did." I admitted in a small voice.
He froze. "You what?"
I bit my lower lip. "The other day, I was seeing an old friend, and I kissed him - or he kissed me - I don't know, I don't know, but - but - I kissed someone else and it wasn't Gerard and is that bad?" He stared at me, wide-eyed. "Fucking hell, say something!"
"You need to tell him."
"What, like he told me?"
"Frank, this is different -"
"This is not different!" People were staring now, and they weren't looking away. I was hurt and angry and scared and everything was fucking falling apart. "This is no different to him sleeping with you so don't you even dare tell me it is!"
He sighed, his head now in his hands. "You need to be the better man and tell him, Frank. If you don't, you're just as bad as him." He raised his head. "You're not that, are you?"
I took several deep breaths, resisting the urge to slam my fist on the table. "Do you realise how unfair that is?"
"I know that's not fair, but -"
"But it's the truth. I know."
Suddenly my phone began to ring, and I pulled it from my pocket to see Gerard's called ID on the screen. He was the last person I wanted to talk to right now, but Bert's expression told me that I needed to, whether I liked it or not.
So I answered the call, sighing heavily as I put my phone to my ear. "What?"
"Frankie, where are you?" The sound of his voice made my gut twist, and I found myself unable to speak. "Frank!"
"I'm in New York." I said, trying to sound angry and failing miserably.
"What?! Why the fuck - how - what?!"
"I can't explain right now. In fact, I don't think you're worthy of an explanation."
"I'm so confused right now. Frankie, please tell me what's going on."
And then I kind of lost it. "I know you fucking slept with Bert, okay? Mikey told me and I spoke to Bert and he told me everything."
There was a pause, a dangerously long one. "And I know you kissed Bob."
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So much for that break eh *le sigh* ah well, I tried, I really did, so...
So close to 100k reads too omg thank you guys so much <3
And I predict this to end at about chapter 25 maybe? Who knows? I doubt it will reach 30 though, I'm sorry >.<
Okay now I DEFINITELY won't be updating again until next week, for obvious reasons (I'm gonna cry I) so I hope you liked this one and yeah :) thanks for 13k votes on TMIABM too aw:3
Thanks Pete,
-xocharr <3