LET HER GO
-PASSENGER
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her goStaring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her goStaring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her goWell, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Olivia
It's been a week and I'd been receiving text messages from Adam asking me about random things or in other words want me to make a conversation with him but I never replied. I am trying very much not to.
Until on Wednesday Evening as I was waiting for one of my friends getting their car at the parking lot to give me a ride. Adam's car stop in front of me.
"Common Olivia, I'll take you home," he told me opening the window on the right side in the driver seat.
"What are you doing here?" I was shocked and happy seeing him but at the same time, it's not right at all.
"Just get in," he told me and open the front passenger seat then I entered before anyone can see him not that someone can tell things about him.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked him since he'd been driving for 20 mins now.
"To my place." He answered without glancing at me. which makes me nervous.
"You have a place here? How?" I was worried to know why because I know deep inside wheres this will take us. Trouble.
"I'm renting a penthouse for months in staying here. I have business here but not that busy so I decided to show it to you where I'm staying." He told me when he was about to park in a very tall elegant building.
"whom do you live with while staying here?" I asked while taking off my seatbelt.
"If you can still remember one of my high school best friends from my old school, Jacob who owns the penthouse by his parents allowed me to rent the place while I stay here." He answered to me.
"No one has to see me, Adam, they know me! you are married for Christ's sake! You can't do this!" I was a bit angry with him for pulling this up I can't understand him now especially for putting poker face instead of explaining, I followed him while lowering my gaze to avoid people seeing my face. Because I feel like this is not right. this is wrong.
"No one knows us here Olivia, and he won't tell words because we trust each other's dirty secret ever since." Now he was staring at me and I feel like even my soul was visible.
"So I'm a dirty secret now." Avoiding his gaze at me I've never think I am just a dirty secret now.
"I didn't mean it like that. We used to save each other before." He held my hands before he slides his card for us to enter.
He has a big place, this is design for a single or a couple of room only. There is this king-size bed in the center of a bathroom on the other side. A single couch on the right side of the bed, and a small round table with a flat big screen tv.
He was sitting on the couch and motion me to sit beside him. I took the opposite couch to him instead but he pulled my hand to sit in his lap.
"Let's talk Hon." He nuzzled to my neck and smelling my scent which makes me breath deeper than usual.
"Adam, don't do this, I can't handle your idea. You're married, it's a bit complicated than before and you know this is too much for me." I was trying to free myself from his hold.
"Live with me, Olivia." He told me in a desperate tone. Staring right to my eyes. And it's hurt, that we were into this situation.
"You damn things than this. I can't do this, I am engaged Adam, please stop this. We have to end things." I can't stop those tears that escaping from my eyes. He was hurting and desperate, he looks like a child who had been deprived of his favorite toys.
"I DON'T love her! I can't even try to love her. I want us!" he's holding his anger and I was clueless what to say. I sit beside him holding his hands.
"We have to stop this Adam, as early as we can this is no longer a high school moment where we can just fuck up things, I loved you and I still do but we have to think with our brains, not because of this! You're a father now, she needs you when she grows up, and you know I wouldn't tolerate happening that to any human being just because of me." I told him staring to his eyes, seeing a small drops escape his eyes.
"I loved you, Olivia, this was all my mistake. I'm so sorry I messed up, I'm so sorry." I feel like he's trying not to break down but I feel his hurting. I nod at him.
"I know, I just know even before, I even forgave all that you did before, call me insane but that's how much you are to me, I even think that maybe someday we will meet and things will be better than before, but I think we have to let go us." I was half smiling breaking hugging him and he was hugging me tight as if I'm about to disappear.
"I can't forgive myself." He told me
"You have to because I did. We need to try even it hurts" I tighten my holds to him and a little chuckle escapes from me.
How cruel destiny can be or whoever created this feeling that we had for each other how could he?
"I can't love someone else like how I loved you, you know you're like a dream I've been trying to reach and even if I already had, I can't get enough of that dream." He told me in a very calm voice as if telling someone their unimaginable dream.
"Even if we have to love someone else besides us, we have to try and lived with it. We are better than this Adam right? we won't fuck up each other's life. Because that's how friends do, they are happy because their friends are happy." I told him while caressing his face.
He moved us, sitting on the right side of the bed. I was sitting on his lap. he smiled at me and I smiled at him, I guess we have to force ourselves to do it. MOVED ON.
He was giving me a feathery kiss on my face and I just closed my eyes, this is what I'm going to lose but I have to taste it before I lose it. I kissed him and he did we were losing each other right now, at least maybe we wouldn't get any what if's in the future.
It takes two to do the tango, we were both naked now, kissing each other like there's no tomorrow. Until he was about to enter me, he was waiting for my permission and I did. I was terrified to feel those pain. It feels like I was being shredded like those cratch papers. And it dawns on me what happens. I gave him that most important thing to every woman, those things that they supposed to give to their husbands. And it dawns on me that we messed up.
"I'm sorry! God! This is your first! You're a virgin." He was terrified but I tighten my hold to him.
"Go on. Let's lose them all for once." I told him before I close my eyes kissing him and he continues what he started.
We were both naked staring at each other while lying on his bed.
"I regretted things in the past, but I was more regretting it right now." He was tracing an invisible pattern into my face. He was happy but at the same time, it was the saddest side of him.
"We didn't use protection but I'll take all the consequence. But I don't regret it, the same time we have to grow up from this." I told him smiling because I don't regret it actually, for once I want to be selfish but I know I am not that type of human being.
I decided to grab some robe before I entered the shower, I didn't close the door because I know he will follow. As the water was rinsing my sin from my body, the blood from my tight part was also flowing with the water. Now I even lose my virginity to him, my soul and my heart from the very beginning. Until I feel him on my back. He was staring at the water that a little reddish on the floor.
"Is it hurt?" he was asking me concern
"Well, you just shred it with your hard down part, It hurts but I'll live."
He chuckles to my humor, he took the body scrub and the liquid soap, he bathed me so gentle.
I am a sinner, that kept ringing to my brain. While he's washing my whole body. Until I heard my phone ringing.
"Who might be calling you at this hour?" he was cleansing my hair using the small towel.
"It was Eden shit!" I was nervous to answer his call. He will know because he is Eden.
There's a lot of messages from him. And some from Claire my study body.
"Your aunt calls me if you are with me and I told her that you passed out and probably will spend the night with me." -CLAIRE
"Call me as soon as you can your fiancée was even calling but I keep dropping his call." -CLAIRE
"damn! Girl! Where were you?" –CLAIRE
"damn it, Olivia! Don't do something stupid with Adam!" –Eden
"I know he was here, you better not come close to him because Alice might find out and I don't want you to get drag into their married life!" –Eden
"Answer his call" Adam nudges me from zone out moment.
"I can't Adam, we can't fool him." I was a bit irritated by his idea.
Then it rings again.
"Olivia! Where are you!" I almost drop my phone from his scream. He is angry I know
"I spend the night with some friends," I answered in a careful tone, my heart was beating like I'm about to lose it.
It didn't help what Adam was doing, he was touching me everywhere in my lower body part.
"I'm staying in some hotel near your place, I thought you were with him I don't want you to do things you might someday regret." I heard him saying on the other line and he was right.
"Tell me the address, and wait for me at the lobby," I told him and drop the call.
Eden is right I just drag myself into the biggest mistake.
"I'm leaving." I stand up from his hold I grab all my things and wear all my scattered clothes.
"Do you care about him? You're leaving because of him?" he was pissed and I don't care. He was the careless person I've ever known, Impulsive I can say, but this has to be stopped. We are not a kid anymore.
"I'll call you if I can, or maybe never," I told him before I was about to close the door I heard the bang. And I turn my head to see him, his fist was bleeding and the vanity mirror was beyond damaged. But I just exited the room.
"I can't go back there" I was telling myself.
Before I can ride into the cab I call, I heard my name being called.
"Hey, Olivia right?" It was Jacob, I remember his feature.
"Yeah, listen, buddy, Adam was not in a good state and can you please check him on his room? I have to go, my Fiancee needed me right now." He was standing on the side of the road, while my half body was about to enter the cab.
"OH, ok. Take care and please I care about him but not that I don't agree with this issue about you and Adam but you mean the world to him but I know you deserved more than this so. I'm just telling you right now is if he can't let go of you, you better do it for him." He tries to hold my hands that were on the door of the cab.
"I know and thank you but I'll be checking him by you, don't let him know," I told him before I left the place.
We are each other's misery now, were no longer each other's fairytale or hope.
It's been a month I never even answer all his call, but I've been checking on Jacob about him. He told me that he went back to Melbourne because his business here was done but he will always ask him if I ever drop by at his place. He's waiting for me to come back. Eden was understanding, I told him everything. But he was worried about Adam's wife if ever she finds out about me as being his mistress.
I've avoided my guilt so instead of spending my time alone at home to wait for the next semester, I've been partying with my colleagues.
We were sitting on a round table laughing on each other's joke and drinking since my sit was facing the entrance and I just couldn't believe what I just saw that entered the bar. And seems like he's looking for someone. Even if' I'm in my drunken state I will know it's him. Was he following me? he always knows where to fetch me.
And then his eyes catch where I was sitting. Damn! He was wearing a breathtaking casual outfit. Until he was standing in front of me.
"Everyone, can I borrow your friend, Olivia, for a while?" he was stating to everyone and they are all silent, the girls are looking at him with lust in their gaze. And the boys are waiting for what's next.
"What are you doing here," I uttered in bit anger but not obvious for them to realize.
"To talk." Then he held my hands for me to stand up then we went out of the bar. I told my friends I'll call them if I can't make it later.
I feel a little dizziness from my sit, he was driving fast than normal. And I know where he was heading. And I know where this will lead.
And it happens again. How can you resist your old fucking dreams?
We were both lying on his bed. naked and exhausted, especially me in a drunken state. But I was more awake than the other early morning I guess.
I turn my back to him before I decided to fetch all my clothes before I can fix my hair. He was hugging me behind.
"You can let go of me, you can forget me but please make it slowly." He was sobbing in my back as I was sitting on the other side of the bed.
It breaks me hearing him say that.
"Text me, when you need someone to talk to. Call me once in a while. Ask me if I'm doing fine. Just make it slow. Because I'm about to lose my sanity thinking this is our end." He was crying. He never begs for something desperately and now he was even losing the old him.
"I'll do it because I also need it. but there's no seeing each other Adam. We will keep ending like this so please go home to your wife and daughter." I was crying, we were both crying out loud. Sobbing from our heartache.
"I promise." He told me. then I stand up to face him, giving him a lingering long kiss, I even hug his head tightly to my breast, and he was breaking and sobbing. He was hurting more than I am right now. He can't accept it.
"I LOVE YOU ADAM, I will never love someone like this, but it sucks not to moved on," I told him about holding his face. Tears were escaping from his deep chocolate color eyes.
Then he nods at me.
"She was pregnant, and I will make it work." Hearing him said those words
"You're going to be a dad once again, this is just a sign that this was our end. Our dreams should be forgotten." I told him a bit lightening up the mood.
"I will name him our favorite name if he's going to be a boy." He told me "you will always be a part of me, Olivia." He added. And I smiled at him I can't take that away from him.
He should move on in his way.
It's been two months and I was worried. I only have one year left at school. We've been constantly texting asking what's new about us. Eden was a bit bitchy nowadays. He wants us to get married in months but I've been convincing him that after our graduation I'll marry him. He's not bad, he can be what other girls dream in a fiancée. You can say I respect him, I loved him, I care about him but it will never be the same. But it was fine for him.
I've been moody this week, I've been clubbing and shopping and attending different parties but today I'm not feeling well, I even have to run to the toilet to vomit all whatever I can have to.
Then it hits me. I've been missing my period for two weeks.
SHIT!!!
I don't know what to feel, I'm scared to death right now. At the same time, I felt small happiness while holding my stomach, it was Adam. But this is a mistake. My family will kill me or they will kill him. But were a grown-up I can do this alone without everyone knowing. Eden will be devastated, I failed him for protecting me from like this situation. I don't have anyone beside me. I can't let him know about this, I know he will drop everything he has for this baby, and I can't do that to his children. I'm selfless yet, I'm a sinner.
I keep answering his casual hi or what's been going on until after a few days he told me he was about to visit. And asking me if he can see me and I told him I'll see if I can because Eden will be around.
Eden decided to ask permission from my Grandparents back home if I can live with him and they agreed that we rent a penthouse near my school. So that anytime he was around it will be easy for both of us, since he lived in an hour flight.
We sleep together but never forced me to do more than kissing and make out. He agrees to everything I'm trying to do without any words. He deserved better and he deserved more than lies.
As I was preparing our dinner. I am decided to let him know and be it whatever happens. I can vanish if he wants out from me, because I know I did too much.
"Eden we need to talk," I told him while we were trying to collect our plate after we ate
"Sure, I'll be in our room." He told me or might hint that it was a serious issue.
Inside our room, there is this long couch facing the big flat screen tv. He was sitting in it while watching a random channel. He was holding a wine on his hands.
"Talk," he told me motioning me to sit beside him and I did. He gave me a glass of wine but I just took it and put it on the table. And he stared at it.
"I might be pregnant," I told him while we were both staring at the flat screen and were not even paying attention to what channel was watching before he pushed the power button on the remote control and it was quiet now. He was quiet.
"What do you want me to do?" he asks me, he didn't even glance at me. he still asking what I want. That's why I have to stop this between us.
"I'm leaving and you have to stop this because you don't deserve this," I told him, we act like it's casual.
"How long are you now?" he asked again.
"I'm not sure, probably just a week old" I honestly told him
He never judged his base on his tone. He was thinking, I want him to get mad at me, I want him to hate me. I want him to tell me I'm a mess.
"You can't just elope because what future you can give to her or him, you're almost done with college. Your family will hunt you and Adam will do anything to find you. you can't mess up what we can control right now." He narrated to me.
"But they will know about this." I disagree with his idea.
"Will tell them I'm the father, right now you can't mess up your future. I will accept it even after a year. You're underestimating my feelings to you, Olivia." He told him then we look at each other.
"Your taking responsibility for my mess?" I asked him and then he nods at me.
"Let's get married after school. I can't let you into any more mess, I am your best friend, after all, you can't let that child grow up without a father. You knew my past and you have an experience that Olivia." He was looking at me as if analyzing my next answered.
He was right I can't let this child grow up like how I grew up. And just how he grew up without his family and taking care of himself with his grandparents because his family was busy making money and forget they have a son.
"Are you sure? You won't regret this? I will be fine. I've been doing fine for years. And a baby will not be that bad." I told him smiling a bit.
"I've been loving you and still will until I reach my limit about this feeling but I guess, not too soon." He shrugs. as if he was very sure bout his plan.
"Fine, but you will tell me whenever you want out because I will let you," I told him and he holds my hands pulling me beside him kissing me to my forehead.
"I'll stay and will stick with this baby with you. but we have to let them know that your pregnant to avoid any mess." He told me. I never imagine Eden as a matured person. Maybe that's what love does to us. CHANGE.
The following days he accompanies me into an ob gyne to check and it was confirmed, I am 3 weeks pregnant but the doctor told me I might lose it because of having a very weak placenta. And might have an early miscarriage. Since this is not a planned pregnancy.
I was advised to take a full rest and stress-free environment.
Eden went back to Melbourne to talk to my grandparents about my pregnancy and admit to them that he was the father and they just agree to my plan. Eden told me that Adam might hire someone to follow me everywhere so it is safer to stay at home. That will might trigger him to do some stupidity.
I even ignored all his messages but now he was calling while I was spending time watching a movie.
This was the first time that he was eager to talk to me because of the constant call which I never answered. Until I have received an unknown number, I don't want to answer it but It makes me worried knowing that what if it's Eden that needs help.