New Year's Eve 2013
Welp. Looks like I ended up in the one place I was trying to avoid.
My home.
Don't get me wrong, I love my home. I love my parents and my siblings. I just couldn't stand those typical conversations gay kids who haven't come out to their family, have to have.
My family though was so happy to see that I decided to come home. However, they were hoping I would've brought Blaire back with me.
Funny enough, I had actually forgotten that I even told them I was spending time with her. It had been a while since I started that lie and so much has happened in between.
Since then, this whole mess with Charlie has really thrown me for a loop and gotten me frazzled.
I felt like I was on my period.
Unfortunately, my family could tell the difference in my demeanor from the last time I was home.
"Sugar Pie Honey Bun why do you look so upset? You've been lookin' like that since we picked you up from the airport the other day. Tell your momma what's going on with you."
My mother is the sweetest thing alive. I love her dearly and I hate to disappoint her. I just know telling her the truth about me will break her heart.
To know that I've been lying to her for so long will make her view me in a different light. On multiple occasions I wanted to call her cell phone in the middle of the night to spill my truth and cry.
So many of those lonely and desperate college nights I wanted to be by her side and lay my heavy head on her shoulder to cry myself to sleep.
But I couldn't.
"It's nothing mom," I respond trying to sell the lie I was building.
I could probably build skyscrapers out of my lies.
My mother walked over to me and gently grabbed my arm to guide me over to the living room couch. Right on the right-side corner next to the end table where she would place her teacup, ready to play "Momma Therapist" to her precious, but hardheaded, children.
"I'm only gonna say this one more time Arizona Audrey."
Uh, oh, not the middle name.
"Tell your mother what's wrong. You know I don't like seeing my baby boy so upset. It's almost midnight. Release whatever is weighing down your mind and heart and leave it in the past to allow yourself to start anew."
Is this the moment?
Do I tell my mother what's really bothering me?
Is this the month, day, hour, minute, second, that I tell my mother?
I sigh heavily and run through my mind how fast I can gather my most prized possessions and stuff them into a few duffle bags to bolt out the door as soon as shit hits the heater.
"Mom. It's about me and Charlie."
"Oh! Charlie! I love that boy. I haven't seen him in so long. How's he doing? He came along with Blaire to visit in California, right? He doing well in school?"
Damn, this was about to be hard.
"He's good mom and school is going fine for him."
"Well what about Charlie then?"
"Mom, he and I..."
This is it.
"He and I..."
"Arizona! Good to see you up and about my boy. You never could stay up till midnight for the countdown."
My dear old dad.
A stern silver fox of a man. Sometimes it's hard to believe that this man used to be so wild in his youth. He was raised Catholic but was one of those rebellious children that wanted to see and experience the world because he was never allowed to do "normal" things.
His father, my grandfather, was a "rolling stone". He didn't care much for religion or spiritual things at all.
My grandmother on the other hand, had been one of those girls that grew up in the Catholic church but fell for the resident "bad boy" who ended up knocking her up.
In turn, her parents made her marry one of the prominent men in the church to hide the fact that she was having a baby by the town's most famous fuckup. And he, my step grandfather, was just doing what he thought was right.
Unsurprisingly, he was alright with doing this. My step grandfather has always been the sweetest and most patient man I've ever met. The two of them didn't immediately start out loving each other, but the love that grew from their forced time together was something I wanted one day.
The love, not the forced time together.
I say all this to say that my father didn't grow up anywhere else except for the Catholic church. Even though he had his VERY wild phases (like most church kids do), he swam his way back to the church and became the man he is today. A very religious, no nonsense type of man that if he were to ever find out that his son was gay, would probably not react very well.
I'm not saying ALL religious people reject people like me, but its been known not to go very well for us.
Needless to say, I guess this wasn't the moment I was going to spill my guts to my mother.
"Haha, you're right dad. I never could stay awake very long when I was younger. But I've got my anxiety, stress, and guilt keeping me up at night now, so here I am."
Woops. Let that one slip. This therapy chair really is something.
"What? What's wrong son?"
"Well, honey, if you hadn't come in interrupting, he would've told me," my mother interjected.
"Fine, fine," he says throwing up his hands, "continue the conversation."
Right when I was about to continue, the rest of the family walked in; Dakota mid-conversation with Montana and Georgia.
"Oh, snap. Did we just interrupt something? Why is the air so thick in here?" Montana says.
"Ari, what's going on? Girlfriend troubles?" Georgia asks genuinely.
HA!
"How about ya'll go grab the sparkling grape juice for everyone so we can raise our glasses to the new year when it comes," my mom tells the rest of the kids.
When did this conversation become a topic for the entire family? There definitely is no way I'm telling them about me and Charlie.
My dad sits next to my mom and stares at me as he waits for my response.
"Son, if you need advice on a girl or if you're upset because you just broke up with a girl, you can always come to us."
"Hey, wait for us to come back so we can hear what's going on!" Georgia shouts from the kitchen.
I let out an exasperated sigh and roll my eyes. My family could be so annoying sometimes.
"Dude, I didn't know you were dating anyone after Blaire! What's her name? I've seen the girls on the campus swoon over you when you're at football practice. You snatch up one of them?" Dak asks getting excited and sliding into the living room on the hardwood floor in his red fuzzy socks.
"Guys! It's not that serious! Charlie and I had a huge falling out and we're not friends anymore," I finally yell to shut everyone the hell up.
The room is silent for a few seconds save for the loud stares of my family members.
"That's it??? That's why you have been so moody?? I was expecting some real gossip" Georgia says disappointed.
"Gia!" Montana says slapping her arm.
"I'm sorry that my friend drama isn't juicy enough for you, sis," I tell her.
"Aw, son. I thought you were having girl trouble. When are we gonna meet one of your girlfriends?" My dad says speaking up.
"You have. Maya, Blaire, and Nova."
My dad sighs in annoyance with my smartassness.
"Not a girl-friend, Ari. A girlfriend. Don't you have a girl cheering you on at your practices and games? A girl to cuddle and hold during the cold months. Someone sweet to go out with and kiss on the cheek?"
A girl? No. Charlie? Yeah, I had that with him till he went and fucked shit up. Literally.
"Sweetheart, what happened between you two? I'm sure you boys just had a little tiff," my mom says placing her sweater covered arm around me trying to soothe my obvious discomfort.
"It wasn't just a little "tiff", mom. He lied to me about something serious. I can't trust him anymore! Was anything he said to me ever the truth? Was he ever really my friend! I loved him! Uh, as my uh, best friend."
"What did he do little brother?" Montana asks while rubbing my knee.
"You boys fighting over a girl?" My dad asks.
DAMN, what is it with him and girls? Why is he so obsessed with me and the female species? He doesn't bother Dak about girls like this. But of course, Dak has introduced them to many of his girlfriends over the years. It's no secret that the ladies love him.
"Dad," I start.
"It's a girl isn't it? Was it Blaire? Did he like her too?"
Definitely not. But I can see I'm going to get nowhere with them. So, I do the only thing I can.
I lie.
"Yeah," I sigh for the third time, defeated. Yeah, dad. Except, it wasn't Blaire. It was a different girl. Her name is....Whitney. Blonde, beautifully shaped body, smart and snarky. Perfect for me. We had been dating for a while, but I found out that she had been cheating on me with him for two whole months.
One time when I traveled up to New York to visit him, she came with me. They hit it off really well. I mean who wouldn't hit it off with him? Charlie is charming, good looking, funny, tall, and intelligent. He's a hot nerd! Uh, so I've been told by many girls in high school.
Anyway, what I didn't know was that while we had been up there, they hit it off so well that they started a secret relationship. She had the money to go see him a couple times, and he came down to California to see her once. Long story short, he spilled the beans to me about it before I came home and now, we're not...friends... anymore."
I'm so sorry that I used your name Whit. You were the first girl to come to mind. My family will never meet you anyway. Should be ok, right?
"Wow. I, uh, I'm sorry bud," dad says solemnly.
"Girls named Whitney suck anyway. Who even names their daughter that anymore? She sounds like a total whore," Georgia says.
"Georgia!" Mom says slapping her other arm, "Don't you go using that kind of language in my house. Even if it's true. Baby boy I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Especially with Charlie. You two have been friends for so long. I can't imagine him doing something like that."
Neither could I, but it happened. Sorta.
"You know what man, forget him. He's all the way in New York anyway. You've made new and better friends at UCLA. He's replaceable," Dakota puts in, "And if need be, we can make a trip to Columbia and pay him a little visit that may or may not leave him without kneecaps."
"What are you Dak, the Italian mafia? Violence is not the answer Ari."
I hate when Montana is on her hippy love and non violence bullshit. This isn't the time for that, girl.
"Guys we almost missed the countdown!"
Georgia directs our attention to the flat screen tv before us to hypnotically gaze at a ginormous ball descending towards the people below it in none other than, New York.
"5,4,3,2,1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!" My family yells, clinking and cheering their glasses of the nonalcoholic beverage with mine.
Fuck, what I would give for some serious, hard liquor right now.
"We thank God for letting us move on from our past year! Here's to another year of good tidings. And here's to finding Arizona a new friend and new girlfriend!" My dad says raising his flute in the air.
Fuck, shit, damn, this was about to be a stupid next few years.