I'd rarely seen a grown man cry before, but it was quite a crushing experience. Like I said, nobody wants to see one cry, and no man wants to be the one crying.
But seeing Mikey Way cry - not just crying, but sobbing softly into his pale hands - made my heart wrench, and I didn't know what to do. His shoulders shook and his hair fell forward, but he made no move to brush it away.
I just...didn't know what to do. I'd never been able to cope appropriately when someone in front of me was upset. I simply froze up.
"He - he doesn't care!" Mikey suddenly slammed a fist onto the counter, looking up at me. "He doesn't give the slightest fuck, does he?" I slowly shook my head, admitting that maybe he didn't. "It's always been Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, and everyone else can go fuck themselves as far as he's concerned. I'm sick of it!" He sounded like a furious mom, but he was his brother, and that probably meant so much more.
His head fell back slightly, and he ran his tongue over his upper lip. He swiped at his face but tears kept coming, streaking his flushed skin. He rubbed his eyes, exhaling heavily and sort of slumping against the counter.
"What do I do?" He turned his gaze towards me. "Did he mean it? When he said it wasn't Bert?"
I shrugged, the action feeble and tired. "I don't know. Maybe. I wouldn't be surprised."
"He...he doesn't care." He sank into Gerard's vacant seat, rubbing at his arms. "Ever since he started drinking, he's just cared less and less. And - and - and he shuts himself away. Haven't you ever noticed that he's never really been sympathetic, or empathetic?"
I thought for a moment, and realised that he'd never been emotional at all - I mean, he had, but not like a normal person. Not like Mikey or I.
He seemed to sense my agreement because he continued, his voice shaking. "This wasn't...this wasn't even because of Bert...Bert tried to make him better, even though I could see that he was struggling himself, and - and now, they're both fucked and they fucked each other and -"
"What?!" I practically shrieked, my heartbeat rocketing and my hands shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out.
Mikey stared at me for a moment before realising his mistake. "Fuck."
"No no no Mikey, this isn't just 'fuck', what the fuck?! Are you shitting me?!" He didn't reply, his lips pressed together as his hands held his upper arms, his elbows on the table. "Mikey, I swear to God, this had better be a fucking joke -"
"You weren't supposed to find out this way -"
"I probably wasn't supposed to find out at all!"
"Frank, it was just a drunken thing, before you went to New York -"
Suddenly the coffee went flying, the mug smashing against the floor. It was my turn to slam my fist against the table, my turn to shoot up from my chair. "What else has he been keeping from me, huh? What else has he lied about? Is he even an American citizen?!"
"Of course he's an American citizen - just because he screwed Bert -"
I covered my ears, my lower lip trembling. "I don't want to hear it!"
I didn't know if I was more hurt or angry; didn't know if I wanted to punch my so-called boyfriend or cry in a dark room until I lost my voice. And then a cold sort of realisation washed over me, and I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
I lowered my hands from my ears, taking several deep breaths before I spoke. "I'm going to Brendon's, and then tomorrow I'm going to New York."
"How will you get there?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Just don't tell Gerard."
~
We ended up crying together.
It was as if everything had snowballed behind me, and it was now hitting me like a train, leaving me sobbing helplessly in Brendon's arms, while he sobbed helplessly into mine.
It was sort of comforting to cry, even with the tears being shed after Ryan's death. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest, and it sounds cliché, but everything seemed sort of...clearer, after.
I pulled back once I was out of tears, meeting his dark, bloodshot eyes. He had the sort of expression on his face that would kill Ryan to see, and it hurt me, too. We both looked a mess, that was for sure.
"I'm sorry." He choked out, and I shook my head, a faint smile at my lips.
"You've got nothing to apologise for." I replied, my own voice slightly hoarse.
He shook his head a little, fresh tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumb, my hand lingering on his face, and his eyes met mine.
Nothing was said as we stared at each other, my tears all dried up and his still going. I didn't know how it happened, but I'd ended up at his house and he was already crying and I ended up crying and here we were. I was staring into his deadened eyes and he was staring into mine.
His eyes flickered to my lips, and mine to his, and I didn't really know what was happening but all of a sudden he was sort of leaning in, and -
And then it all came spilling out, like word-vomit, though I really felt like actual vomiting.
"What do you do when you find out that your boyfriend fucked his ex?" I said, and his eyes widened. "Because Gerard slept with Bert and he's been drinking and everything's falling apart and I don't know what to do because I love him and I know that he doesn't love me even though he says he does and -"
"Hey, Frank, calm down. Breathe." I shook my head, feeling my palms begin to sweat. "What's all this about Gerard and Bert?"
I shook my head again, faster, almost giving myself whiplash. "I can't, I can't I can't I -" I pressed my lips together, unable to cry anymore but feeling my chest tighten all the same. I clenched my hands into fists, trying to ignore the fact that they were visibly shaking, and Brendon had hold of my upper arms, watching me with a bizarre mixture of worry and anger written all over his face.
"Jesus, Frank; what's going on? Are they having some sort of affair?"
"I don't know." I choked out, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. "I just...I need to leave, I need to go to New York, I fucked up real bad, I fucked up Brendon I -"
"Frank! I can't help you if you don't breathe." I gulped. "Now tell me what's happened. Slowly."
So I told him. I told him about the drinking, and the argument, and the funeral, and going to Bob's. I even told him about the kiss, which he looked less than pleased about. I told him about going back to Mikey's, and what Mikey had said, and everything else on top of that.
When I'd finished, I felt defeated. I felt as if the air had been sucked from my lungs, and I wanted nothing more than to lie down in a darkened room.
"So you want to go back to New York with him?" There was an edge to Brendon's voice, and I shook my head.
"I don't care if he's there or not. I just...I need to sort some things out. And then..." I took a deep breath. "And then I'll talk to Gerard."
"How will you get there?"
I shrugged, burying my face in my hands. "I don't know. Fuck, why did I ever leave in the first place? He's just some asshole that completely took over my life and he has me doing what he wants and I hate it!"
His hand went to my back, slowly rubbing small circles. "You do stupid things when you're in love. I've done my fair share of them." He took my right hand and laid my arm flat on my leg, palm-up. He placed his hand over my upturned wrist, sighing. "Just don't do anything too stupid."
I scoffed. "What do you take me for?"
"The king of stupidity."
"Fuck off."
He nudged me, and when I looked up at him, he was smiling. "Do what you gotta do, but make sure you come back before you run away to California or something."
I half-smiled. "I'm not going to California."
"Shame. Coulda taken me with you."
I laughed a little at that, letting him take my hand and link our fingers together. It was silent for a few moments, and I was pretty sure his mind was elsewhere. Mine, however, was just focused on the decision I'd made and what I had to do. After what felt like an age, he pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you, Frank." He said quietly.
"What for?"
There was a pause. "Everything."
I could tell that he wanted to say more, but he pulled away before I could press him, and by the time he'd stood up, the moment had gone.
"You'd better get to New York, then."
I sighed in defeat. "I had." I got to my feet. "I...I'll be gone a couple of days. Don't tell Gerard where I am if he asks, though it won't be difficult to guess..." I shrugged. "Anyway. When I come back, I'll tell you everything. Okay?"
He nodded, hugging me once more. "Be careful."
"I will."
And then I left his house, my mind made up.
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Cheeky little surprise update for you all, even though I was like 'nah I'll take a break'...apparently not!
Nothing to say really, only gO LISTEN TO FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS IMMEDIATELY IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY EEEEEEEEE and um don't forget to tell people to read TMIABM and vote for it and share the fuck out of it and all that shit xD
Oh oh oh also - IF YOU SEE ME IN CARDIFF ON SUNDAY COME SAY HI PLS OKOK
K bye
Thanks Pete,
-xøxøcharr <3