"Hey, Jimin!" Namjoon pushes his way through the sweaty, dancing crowd. "HEY! JIMIN!"
Jimin's mouth tightens, glancing sideways to gesture at the girl he is talking to. She is undeniably gorgeous – tall, blonde and completely out of his league. Namjoon slows, mouthing sorry to his friend.
Jimin's eyes close, shaking his head, but when he turns to face the girl, he can practically see her losing interest. "Is that your friend?" Her gaze flicks to Namjoon, then down at her phone. "I've been meaning to find mine, actually..." She trails off, hovering.
Jimin runs a hand through his hair. "Sure. Come find me later, if you change your mind."
When she smiles at him, Jimin grins back because she is interested – he can tell.
That is Jimin's whole game, after all. Be confident, tell girls exactly what they want to hear – but do not lie, never lie. Lies get you caught and girls talk. The second you are branded a liar, no one will go home with you, but when a girl hears from another girl that you deliver – Jimin smiles.
"Okay," she murmurs. Sarah – or was it Lisa? – leans in, grazing Jimin's cheek with her lips. "Can't wait to see what else that dirty mouth of yours can do," she whispers in his ear.
When she pulls away, Jimin's eyes darken. He nods, watching her leave. The girl knows he is watching, throwing an extra sway in her step walking away.
"Damn," Namjoon chuckles, entering Jimin's line of vision. "Who the fuck was that? And where can I get one?"
Jimin laughs, tipping back the rest of his drink. "Just a girl," he shrugs, accepting the drink Namjoon pushes his way. "How many times do I have to tell you? You have the looks, you have the smarts – you just need the confidence."
Namjoon shrugs, taking a sip of his drink. "I'm just not about that life, man. A different girl every night? What about intimacy," he protests, gesturing loosely. "What about connecting with someone?"
Jimin snorts. "Yeah, okay," he says, clapping Namjoon on the back. "If one hundred girls came up to you and said, 'Hey, Namjoon! We want to ride you – one after the other, for the next one hundred nights' – what would you say?"
Namjoon nearly chokes at the thought. "I'd say, fuck yes."
"See?" Jimin laughs. "It's human nature. Screw intimacy."
"Screw intimacy? Is Intimacy the name of that blonde by the bar?" Seokjin cackles at his own joke, scanning the bar but not seeing the face he desires. "Huh," he muses, nose wrinkling. "Not many people here yet, are there?"
Namjoon laughs. "What you mean to say is, Minsun isn't here yet."
Seokjin blushes. "No, no! That's not – well, fuck," he sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "Am I that obvious?"
Both Jimin and Namjoon nod.
"Yeah, man." Jimin grins. "It's cute, though. Seokjin: the face that launched a thousand dates is finally smitten with some girl."
Seokjin exhales. "I just – why does she have to be perfect?" he complains. "Minsun is smart, hot and doesn't take shit from anybody. Hey, it's not funny!" he whines, when Jimin starts to laugh.
"It's kind of funny." Jimin takes a sip from his drink. "But I do apologize."
Namjoon laughs too, patting Seokjin on the shoulder. "She'll be here, man. Just relax. Have a drink – but don't get too drunk. Gotta be able to perform," he adds, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Right," Seokjin pushes a hand through his hair. "Drink, but don't get drunk. Be funny, but not overbearing. Smile, but don't freak her out. All of which is great advice."
Jimin actually laughs, eyes crinkled while slapping his knee. Some of his drink spills out, which Namjoon easily dodges. "Hey," Namjoon complains. "Let's not attack our friends; the people who just want to help and support you."
Seokjin wipes his forehead. "I'm sweaty. Am I sweaty? I – oh, fuck. There she is."
Looking around, Jimin sees Minsun enter. She is not alone though, and when his gaze sweeps sideways – Jimin freezes.
You are not the kind of girl he would normally go for. Normally, his friends are able to pick out who Jimin will like a second after entering the bar. He goes for the tipsy one, the already dancing one, the one scanning the crowd as though evaluating each guy is her bed. Usually, the girl wears tight clothing, too much makeup and an air of desperation.
To be fair, Jimin also wears tight clothing and is desperate himself.
You are none of these things.
Actually, you look kind of nervous when you enter. You hold your purse close to your body, lips pursed in disapproval. The all-black turtleneck and suede skirt you wear are out of place but for some reason, Jimin cannot stop staring. He cannot stop imagining what lies underneath all those clothes.
Maybe that is the point. Some girls dress like that purposefully but for some reason, Jimin does not think you are like that. Everything about you seems too genuine to be planned. The way your eyelashes flutter as you walk, the small tic your fingers make against the fabric of your skirt. When a light flashes over your face, illuminating your eyes – Jimin sucks in a breath, not understanding why he is reacting to you this way.
"Uh, earth to Jimin?" Namjoon says, waving a hand over his eyes.
Jimin blinks, gaze moving to Namjoon. "Uh, right. Seokjin," Jimin says, pointing. "There's your girl!"
Seokjin has turned a rather unnatural shade of white. "I c-can't do this," he stutters.
"Yes, you can." Jimin gives him a nudge. "Namjoon and I are right behind you. Metaphorically speaking. Literally, we'll be standing over here."
Seokjin whirls to grab Jimin by the arm. "What if I fuck this up?" he gasps. "That's it, you're coming with me."
"Me?" Jimin protests, but Seokjin is already dragging him towards the door. Heart pounding, Jimin cannot stop looking at you. He wishes he had more time to prepare, to think of something to say. "What do you need me for?" he asks.
"Because," Seokjin hisses, looking over his shoulder. "Minsun brought her roommate, Jimin. That means she's worried. She thinks I'm lame or boring and is worried she'll need a way out."
Jimin chews at his lip, allowing himself be pulled because Seokjin is right – that is what that means. "Okay," he agrees. "Fine. But what do you want me to do?"
"Distract her," Seokjin pleads. "Talk to her roommate, I'll owe you! She's cute," Seokjin nods enthusiastically, knowing you are not Jimin's usual type, which is why he is begging. "She's not bad to look at, either."
"Not bad to look at?" Jimin mutters, offended. "She's fucking gorgeous." Luckily Seokjin does not hear this, too busy watching Minsun as they walk. "I mean," Jimin corrects himself quickly. "Let's go."
Finishing his drink, Jimin follows Seokjin and once they arrive, Seokjin flashes the women a smile. "Minsun," he says, waving shyly.
Minsun looks at him, as though she only just noticed Seokjin was there. Jimin stifles a grin because Minsun very obviously saw Seokjin when she walked through the door. The game they are playing is at once both adorable and nauseating.
Jimin's gaze moves to you. "Hey," he says, pushing hair back from his forehead. "What's your name?"
Your eyes flick to his. "Hey. Y/N."
Offering no further conversation, you return to your drink.
Jimin frowns. "What're you drinking?"
Lifting your gaze, you seem uncertain as to why he still stands there. It is hard enough to read your expression in the dim lighting and Jimin's stomach swoops just a little. When you offer him a smile, meeting his gaze – Jimin feels the full force of his breath leaving his body.
"Sex on the beach," you admit. "I don't go to bars, so when the bartender asked me what I wanted, I kind of panicked." Lightly, you laugh. "I blurted out the first drink that came to mind."
"And that was a sex on the beach?" Jimin grins. "Interesting."
Embarrassed, you look down again when Jimin smiles. He continues to stare at you, wanting to hear the name of the drink again from your lips, wanting that thrill of hearing you say the word sex. Lips which – Jimin shakes his head. What the hell is he doing?
He is just here to support Seokjin, nothing more.
Looking away, Jimin spots the blonde he was talking to earlier. The one he originally set his sights on and Jimin sighs because she is still here, acting as though she does not look at him – even though she does, and Jimin feels suddenly uninterested. Not when he has you, staring down at your drink and casually saying the word sex like that. Jimin sets his own drink down on the bar, turning to you.
You look up in surprise.
"You're not missing much," Jimin says. "Not coming to bars every night."
"Oh?" You look around. "Odd, coming from you. You seem so at home here."
Jimin raises a brow. "At home in this bar? Or, bars in general."
"Either or," you say, taking a sip. "In the short time we've been together, you've checked out at least three girls who aren't me. The blonde over by the bar is looking back, by the way."
Jimin's breath catches in his throat. "Not three," he sputters. "I mean – fuck. What?"
You laugh, tipping back the rest of your drink. "It's okay," you say, turning to order another. "I'm a big girl – what was your name, again? You don't have to babysit me while Jin talks to Minsun. I won't intervene unless she asks me to."
Jimin stares at the back of your head. "Jimin," he says. "My name is Jimin and I'm not just talking to you because of Jin." When you give him a dubious look, Jimin protests. "I'm not!"
Grabbing your drink, you shrug. "Oh, really?"
Jimin shakes his head. "If that's all this was, Namjoon would be the one talking to you. I – well, I saw you the second you walked through that door." It is the truth, after all.
Immediately, your expression shutters. "Don't lie to me."
Heart pounding, not sure what he is doing, Jimin takes a step closer. "I'm not lying," he says earnestly.
When you tilt your head, something in Jimin softens. He wants you to believe him, wants to be the kind of person you would believe and it has been a long time since he felt like that.
Warm relief spreads through his chest when you nod.
"Okay," you say.
Jimin smiles, touching the edge of your wrist and watching your gaze drop to his fingers. "Want to dance?"
You swallow, saying nothing – and then nod.
Jimin does not wait, hand closing around your wrist and bringing you out on the dance floor. "I'll take that," he says, holding out a hand for your drink.
Shaking your head, you tip back the rest of your drink. "No need," you grin, wiping your mouth with one hand. "Let's dance."
Jimin's eyes widen, letting you pull him on. Out on the floor, he turns you against him, dragging his hand up the side of your body. Moving his hips against yours, Jimin feels his heart start to pound. He has done this many times before, knows exactly what to do in order to get you to home with him, but something about this feels different. Normally, there is not this strange sense of confusion, this mix of excitement and nervousness. The press of your body to his feels new and Jimin finds he cannot think straight.
Normally, this would be when he starts to whisper, telling you exactly what he wants to do to you tonight and exactly why you should listen. Tonight though, Jimin cannot think of anything to say. When you press yourself closer, he nearly groans in response. Jimin hopes you cannot feel him hardening through the material of his jeans, because it is fucking embarrassing how badly he wants you. Your touch undoes him and briefly, Jimin wonders if you would be the one in control tonight.
Without prompting, you turn around in his arms. Jimin stares, slowly lowering his forehead to yours. His hands slide down your back and there is no space in between you, but Jimin does not want there to be. He loses himself to the edge, relinquishing control – and then his gaze lifts, meeting someone just over your shoulder.
Namjoon frowns at Jimin, shaking his head at the sight of you in his arms. Jimin frowns, not understanding what Namjoon means when he beckons him forward. Although Jimin looks side to side, he sees no one else. As Namjoon continues to wave, Jimin reluctantly sighs.
"Hey, Y/N?" he says, disentangling himself somewhat.
Looking up at him, your gaze remains lidded. Jimin exhales, wanting nothing more than to crush your lips to his. He wants to kiss you, make you his and take you back to his bed. He supposes all of that can wait though, until talking to Namjoon.
"Yes?" you say, tilting your chin.
Jimin smiles back. "I'm going for a drink but I'll be back, okay? Wait here for me?"
Although you raise an eyebrow, you nod. Crossing both arms, you step to the side of the dance floor. "Alright," you say. "I'll wait."
Nodding eagerly, Jimin turns around. He cuts through the sea of dancers, nearly shoving Namjoon into the bar when he reaches his side. "This had better be important," Jimin says, glancing over his shoulder. "I was having a really good time with Y/N."
"I know," Namjoon says, looking your way. "Look, Jimin. You can't go home with her."
At first, Jimin does not have the words. Once he has recovered from his initial shock though, he frowns. "What? Why not?"
Namjoon exhales. "Because of Seokjin, Jimin. He really likes Minsun. Not just as a fling, not just a crush – he wants to date her. How would it look, if you slept with her best friend and never called her again?"
"But..." Jimin starts to protest and stops. Namjoon raises a valid point.
Even though Namjoon looks uncomfortable, he sighs. "If you screw over Y/N, Minsun is the type to cut Seokjin out completely, just because he's friends with you. You can't do that, man. Seokjin doesn't deserve that."
Jimin falls silent, drumming his fingers on top of the bar. He hates the fact that Namjoon is right. Jimin does not date, he does not do the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing – not right now, at least, when he is still recovering from the last relationship. It was a toxic hell-heap where she cheated and cried, then cheated again. Any attempt at commitment since has left a sour taste in Jimin's mouth.
More likely, he would go home with you and you would have a great time – and then Jimin would not call you again. You seem like the type who wants a boyfriend. You seem like you would be down for sex, but eventually would want love and commitment – Jimin is not that guy. Logically, he knows Namjoon is right.
But there is this large, irrational part of himself which wants to return to your corner. You seem different and for a moment, Jimin allows himself to wonder what-if. What if he woke up tomorrow, saw your face and he smiled. What if he wanted that closeness, what if he felt like making breakfast again.
That is the problem, though – Jimin does not truly know you and right now, these are only what-ifs. It is not worth ruining Seokjin's shot for something which could be.
Wearily, Jimin looks down. "Yeah, alright," he says softly. "I guess you're right."
Namjoon touches Jimin on the shoulder and forces him to look up. "It's for the best," he assures. "I know Y/N. She's not the one night stand type. This could only end badly – trust me. And," Namjoon adds, as they walk away. "She's not really your type, man. Your type is more – oh, I don't know. That hot blonde at at the bar."
Jimin glances dejectedly at the girl he was talking to earlier. Attempting a smile, he orders another drink. "Jack and coke," Jimin says, returning to Namjoon. "Okay, yeah. I'll go and talk to the blonde. Y/N is off-limits."
The moment the words leave his mouth, Jimin regrets them. He keeps looking to where you stand on the dance floor. You stare at your phone, trying to pretend you are not waiting for him. Jimin feels the strangest urge to take you out of this bar but, oddly enough, not for sex. He wants to hear you laugh again, wants to make you smile and bruise his ego a little.
Seokjin, though. Jimin cannot hurt his friend and so, he leaves, ignoring you to approach the blonde at the bar. Jimin barely has to say two words before she agrees to go home with him. As they walk towards the door, Jimin cannot help but glance at you – you look up.
Your gaze meets his dead-on. It is only briefly, but Jimin knows that you see.
Jimin knows and his stomach sinks to the floor. He knows what type of girl you are. He knows the type of guy you want – and now he knows you will never see him in that way.
Feeling slightly nauseous, Jimin walks out the door.
Now it is you walking out the door.
You leave the coffee shop quickly, while Jimin pushes both hands through his hair. He takes a step forward, then back, trying to remain calm. He needs to make sense of his thoughts, because if he ran after you now – he cannot promise it would be logical. His words would not sound coherent because around you, Jimin cannot think.
He is not sure when he first realized he loved you.
The night that you met, probably not. Jimin knew you were different, knew he liked you, but love at first sight is a myth, a fairy tale. More likely, Jimin realized he loved you during one of your movie nights. One of the nights you buried yourself in his blankets, your shoes at his door with your head falling onto his shoulder.
Jimin usually held his breath when that happened. He held his breath, did not move – did not dare blink, for fear of disturbing you. Or, maybe Jimin realized he loved you on a late night snack run. You usually did this after hitting the bar, heading to either McDonald's or Wendy's. You loved to order a giant meal, eat half and push the rest towards Jimin, insisting you liked a man who could eat.
Unbidden, each memory comes to mind. Jimin can recall your feet propped up on plastic seats, hair falling into your eyes while you cracked up at some pun Seokjin made. Those moments hurt the most for Jimin. Moments when you were entirely beautiful and Jimin realized you were not his.
It hurts to think about, but Jimin has felt this way about you for so long – loved you for so long – that Jimin does not have any idea what it would be like to feel differently.
He has never once considered the possibility you might love him back. Jimin is content with being your friend; even if he is in pain, it is worth it because it is his own damn fault you see him this way. By the time Jimin realized his feelings for you, he was too deep in the friend zone to be considered anything else.
Jimin thought about telling you several times but always reached the same, bitter conclusion. You saw him as a playboy, a fuck boy, a serial dater, someone physically incapable of monogamy and so, Jimin tried to date other women. He tried to be happy in other relationships, but it always came down to the same damn conclusion.
He cannot fall in love, not with you standing right there. And somehow, he cannot bear to remove you from his life.
Whenever he broke things off with other women, you would laugh. "Jimin," you would groan, shaking your head. "What exactly are you looking for? That girl was amazing!"
Jimin would just smile, pretending his heart was not in a pile on the floor. "I don't know," he would shrug. "She's just not... it."
What he would not say though, what he never said was the truth. She was not you.
When Jimin offered to have sex with you, it was selfish. It was selfish and wrong – Jimin pretended to be helping you, that it was nothing more than a favor when in actuality, he was insatiable. He still is. Jimin has been unable to think of anything but your touch, your body and you. When you kiss, when you respond to his touch – Jimin feels so ecstatic, he can hardly bear it.
Jimin inhales shakily. He thought he loved you before, thought he knew you before but now, you are a physical part of him. Now, he has been inside you, he knows your body as well as your soul and it is too much, it all is too much. Already, he has come so close to admitting to you how he feels.
There was that time in the bar, when he first saw you dancing with Sungmin. Or later on in his apartment, when Jimin took care of you drunk. Even last night, when you showed up at his door and kissed him like that. The only thing which kept Jimin from telling you his feelings were your rules. The ones which killed him to agree to, since Jimin knew he was already breaking the main one.
Exhaling again, Jimin lowers his head to his hands. He is an idiot. He thought last night meant something to you. He thought when you wrapped yourself around him like that, it meant you felt something more. Jimin thought when you said you did not like Sungmin, it meant that you liked him.
But no.
Opening his eyes, Jimin grabs his keys to shove them into his jeans.
Of course you would not want to date him. Jimin would not want to date him. You are so wonderful and good and Jimin is not. He is not good at all. In the five years you have known him, he has never once had a serious relationship. Partly because of you, Jimin supposes, but mostly because he has not been interested.
You should date a guy like Sungmin, or like Seokjin – sturdy and genial. Maybe someone like Namjoon – a calm intellectual. Not Jimin, never Jimin. Pushing open the door of the coffee shop, Jimin steps into the night. It is snowing outside, flakes drifting down to land on his face. When he glances sideways to where your car was parked, it is gone. You are gone.
Jimin looks up and down the street but, seeing nothing, turns away. Although he took the bus to get here, Jimin decides to walk home. He pushes his hands deep in his pockets and walks, ignoring the chill of the cold. Somewhat stupidly, Jimin did not bring a coat but the cold numbs his thoughts, which is a blessing in disguise.
It is only a few blocks to his apartment, but Jimin arrives gasping and shivering. His lips are faintly bluish walking in through the door. When Seokjin sees him, he jumps up from the sofa.
"Jimin?" Seokin crosses the room in concern. "What the...? What's wrong? Were you just..." He trails off, glancing at the door. "Outside?"
Jimin nods, barely remembering how to answer. "I, uh, needed to run to the store," he mutters, walking past. "Forgot to bring a jacket. Stupid mistake."
Seokjin stares after him, eyes wide. "That's – that's pretty dumb, Jimin. You should have come back in and grabbed a coat."
"Yeah." Jimin exhales, pausing in the frame of his door. "Jin," he says, glancing backwards. Tears brim in the corners of his eyes, but Jimin blinks these hastily away. "Do you really think there's someone out there for everyone?"
Seokjin seems confused. "Jimin," he says carefully. "What happened? Did someone say something to you?"
Jimin looks down, unable to keep eye contact. "No. It's just – ah, I don't know. It's been so long since I've dated anyone," he explains, still not looking at his roommate. "And it's been so long... since anyone wanted to date me."
Seokjin tilts his head to consider. "Nah," he says. "Impossible. Jimin, look. When you meet the right girl – she'll love you back."
"Maybe." Jimin runs a hand through his hair, pushing open the door to his room. "Or maybe not."
The door shuts behind him.