I took a bit of inspiration from Jack and Jack's song 2 Cigarettes. Here's the verse:
Outta control, that was after I got off of the road
You hadn't seen me in like, 45 days
I could tell it in your face
Yes, something was up
My arms opened wide
Open, waiting for you to jump
But you just walked up slow
Nah, wait, this ain't the girl I know
C'mon, where she at?
Give her back
Just makin' my jokes, didn't even crack a smile, damn
That's all it took for me to know there was another man
It's all downhill
This imagine contains a lot of sensitive topics so read at your own risk.
Warnings: Self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, light smut
I stood by the counter, glaring at the mirror through my tears. Stupid. Worthless. Disgusting.
Why was I even alive? I couldn't find an answer. My hands shook as I took the bottle of pills in my hands. Blood still ran down my wrists from what I'd done earlier. The pain didn't affect me at all. I was nothing but a swirling void of emptiness. I didn't deserve Daniel. And his fans made sure I knew that.
I'd been avoiding him. The hate had increased after he'd left on tour a month and a half ago. And I'd begun to believe what those people told me. The first week of Daniel's tour I'd stayed strong. Facetimed him nearly every day. But then I began to break down and I couldn't bare to see his face, terrified that he'd be disappointed or disgusted. So I began to call him, a couple times a week. And when even his voice made me want to cry I texted him maybe two or three times a week, saying I was busy or tired or my friends were over. That last one was a laugh. I didn't have any friends. Only Daniel.
I started cutting about two or three weeks into his tour. Starvation came after that. I wasn't eating, not moving most days, except to go to the bathroom. I'd lost my will. I thought I'd beaten the depression that had eaten away at me in high school. I guess not.
I poured out a handful of pills into my shaking hand, looking at my phone. One text. One call. That's all it would take to make me reconsider.
Who was I kidding? Who was going to text me? I didn't have any friends, any family. All I had was Daniel who was touring halfway across the world. A ragged sob wrung from my lips as I raised my hand.
The door to mine and Daniel's apartment slammed down the hall.
"Y/N?" Daniel called.
The pills went everywhere as I jumped. He wasn't due back for another week. I yanked down the sleeves to my sweater to hide my scars and walked out of our room.
"Y/N!" Daniel dropped his duffel bag and opened his arms for me.
My lip began trembling and I put my head down, hair sliding over my shoulders. I approached Daniel, not speaking.
"Angel?" hearing Daniel's pet name for me had me breaking down completely. My shoulders shook in silent sobs. "Angel, please tell me what's wrong." He made to hug me but I flinched away.
I shook my head. I turned and went back to our bedroom. Daniel followed behind, trying to get my to speak with him. I pointed to our bathroom when I got into the room. Daniel gave me a confused glance before going in.
I let my loose sweats fall down and slowly peeled off my hoodie, almost crying out as it dragged over my fresh cuts.
Daniel's PoV
Pills.
The first thing I noticed when I went into the bathroom were the pills on the floor, Y/N's antidepressant pill bottle standing almost empty on the counter. And then blood. There were bloodstains on the floor and sink, a blood crusted razorblade on the edge of the bathtub. A strangled cry escaped my lips and I whirled back to the bedroom.
Y/N stood there in nothing but her undergarments, exposing her too pale body. She was painfully thin. Even skinnier than when I'd last seen her. I could see every rib, every hollow place on her skin. And cuts, there were cuts everywhere. Her hips were torn apart, dug into with blades. And her wrists still dripped scarlet on to the wood floors.
I fell to my knees.
An exclamation I think could have been her name escaped me. I reached for her and she collapsed into me, both of us sobbing. "Why?" I demanded.
Y/N just shook her head.
Her expression contained so much pain and self-loathing that fresh tears poured from my eyes. I brought her into my lap, repeating "I love you" over and over as my hands pulled her terribly thin frame closer to me. "Why would you do this?" I moaned against her hair.
"I-I can't take it anymore."
"Please. Do it for me. I can help you. We can get through this together."
Y/N dissolved against me. She sobbed and cried as I stroked her hair, trying to keep my own tears in.
"I love you, angel." I murmured roughly. "I love you more than life itself. Please let me in. It hurts to see you like this. Don't do this to yourself."
"I- I can't just stop. Its an addiction, Daniel. Like smoking." Y/N got out, followed by a shuddering sob.
"We can-" my voice broke. "We can get a therapist. We can get you through this."
Y/N nodded weakly and I picked her up and sat her on the bed, squeezing her hand gently before getting the first aid kit. I slowly bandaged her wrists and cleaned her hips before getting one of my t-shirts and helping her into it.
"Let's get you some food." I picked her up gently, cradling her into my chest. As we passed the door, it was pushed open and Jack, my best friend and housemate walked in, toting his bag. He froze when he saw a tearstained Y/N in my arms. I just shook my head, silently begging that he didn't ask.
I set Y/N down on one of the barstools in our kitchen. Jack came in as I kissed her tenderly, squeezing her hand lightly before crossing to the fruit bowl. I gave her a plate of chopped apple and a bit of watermelon. "Try to eat that, sweetheart."
Y/N's lip trembled as she gingerly picked up a piece of apple in her shaking fingers and just looked at it. Jack's eyes widened as tears traced down her cheeks. I stroked her hair and tilted her face to look into my eyes. "Please, darling. Just a couple bites."
Y/N ate a few pieces before curling her shaking hands into fists on her lap, toying with the edge of her shirt as she seemed to fold in on herself.
"It's okay, angel. Its all good. We can stop there." I picked her back up and she sobbed into my shoulder.
Jack opened his mouth and immediately shut it, a pained expression on his face.
I just took Y/N back to our room and laid her down, bringing the blankets tighter around the both of us. Y/N curled into my chest, her own heaving with sobs. I ran my hand up and down her back, murmuring sweet things into her ear. I kissed up her wrist and told her all the things I loved about her, kissing her lips at the end.
Once Y/N was breathing steadily again, drifting into the realm of sleep, I slowly disentangled myself from her and went to find Jack.
Jack was sitting on the sofa in the living room, waiting for me.
"What- what's going on?" he croaked.
I sat down heavily and put my head in my hands. "I should have known when she stopped calling. I should've known. Why didn't I come back? Why wasn't I here for her? Its all my fault." My voice cracked at the end.
Jack put his arm around me. "It's not your fault, Dani."
"She- she tried to..."
I heard Jack's breath catch.
"She was cutting and starving and depressed and she tried to end it." Tears welled in my eyes, spilling down my face. "My perfect angel tried-"
Jack hugged me. "It'll be alright. We're here now." I could here the shock in his voice that he was struggling to hide. "We can help her through this."
I nodded numbly. "She's so thin, Jack."
"We're here for her. We'll get her back."
***
Y/N's PoV
"Please eat something, baby." Daniel coaxed.
We were sitting at the island in the kitchen and Daniel was trying to get me to eat some chopped apple. Every time I looked at the food I felt like I'd throw up. It had been a week since the "incident". Dani and Jack had been trying to get me to eat something every day, small things like fruit or crackers. It was a struggle not to cry as I looked away from Daniel's pained face.
He suddenly got up, thrusting his fingers through his hair and walked into our bedroom.
I felt so ashamed. Here he was trying to help me and I was making his life miserable. I was useless.
Attention whore. Slut. Worthless. It would've been better if you'd just died. You should die.
But Daniel believed in me. If I quit now, I'd just be disappointing him again.
I shoved the food into my mouth, chewed and swallowed, trying not to think about it. Every bite made me want to cry. An uneasy feeling filled my stomach, rolling and yowling in protest. I heaved myself up and padded down the hall, the waistband of my sweatpants shifting loosely around my waist. I found Daniel sitting at the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
I climbed up behind him, wrapping my arms over his shoulders. "I ate all of the apple." I said, trying to cheer him up.
I could see Daniel's smile beneath his hands. "I'm proud of you, angel."
Across the room from us was a full length mirror. I saw Daniel, beautiful and confident and happy. And I saw me, weak and ugly and scarred.
"Beautiful." Daniel whispered, looking at us.
I started to shake my head.
"You're beautiful, love." tears welled in his eyes and flooded over his lashes. "It hurts me to know that you don't think so."
I shifted slightly to kiss his cheek. He didn't deserve this sentence I'd placed upon him.
Daniel turned so that my lips met his. He gently opened my mouth and swept his tongue inside. "I could make you feel beautiful, if you want." he said rather breathlessly against my mouth.
"Show me." I whispered.
Daniel turned fully around and took me in his arms, guiding me until I was laying with my head on my pillow. He kissed me again and slid off my shirt, tracing my body with his fingers. I shivered. Daniel kissed down my stomach to the hem of my sweatpants. "Do you feel beautiful yet?" he asked between kisses.
He pulled off my pants and socks, tracing loving hands up my thighs. He slid his hands up again and undid the clasp of my bra, pulling it off before kissing my nipple. He slid his tongue over it and rubbed the other one sensually.
After a while, he removed his mouth and looked at me again. "How about now?"
I still couldn't respond the way he wanted.
Daniel slid of my panties and moved his mouth to my heat, moving in a skilled and artistic way. I moaned, my hands burying themselves in his hair. "Or now?" he mumbled around me. He slid his tongue over me again and again before finally going exactly where I wanted him. He worked me until I was moaning his name over and over again. I finally came undone around him.
"Do you feel beautiful now, darling?"
"I do." I smiled, tears of happiness clinging to my lashes. "I feel beautiful with you, Daniel."
Daniel grinned and gathered me up in his arms. "Good. Because you're the most gorgeous girl in the world to me, love."
I gave an exclamation of gratitude and threw my arms around him as he moved us to the bathroom. He started the bath and stripped before lowering both of us in.
Then he made love to me, slow and deep and passionate amidst the bubbles.
"I feel beautiful with you."